Waiting while my World Changes

I spent the weekend in Philadelphia. Penn had a grad school preview thing, so I went up to see their program. In terms of design and appeal, I really like Philadelphia. It's bigger, older and dirtier than Atlanta, but that's why I like it lol. could take the train from the airport, and walk a few short blocks to my friend's apartment. This is my friend BLACKFRAT, or I'll just call him JH to keep things simple. JH went to Wharton, so he has a bit of an inflated ego through that fact, and always finds subtle opportunities to put down Morehouse for whatever reason. But we have been friends since we were 11, and he was more than happy to help me out while he was here. Since it was Homecoming, he was mostly out getting drunk with friends and having a good time, meanwhile I was trying to catch up on work.

This semester has kind of hit me like a bullet train. It's my second to last at Morehouse. I'm taking the GRE next week. I'm applying to graduate schools. Everything is coming together right now, perhaps not in the ways that I would like, but they are. I don't know where this year went lol. I remember I was in the the 3^rd grade when I learned that 2006 and 2010, high school and college graduation if I stayed on schedule. They seemed so far away then, but they are here. To be honest, I hadn't given life much thought past high school LOL. And now, I will be venturing into real adulthood, having a real job and a place of my own one day. It's exciting to think about, but again, I don't know what to expect. Like there are many thigns I have to work out, and in my mind there are so many scenarios for how things will turn out for me. One of my goals is to do better than my parents. It's nothing against them, but I want to have a more comfortable, and financial stable life than they did. I want to fall in love, like really, head over heels fall in love, and have somebody to build a family with. I already had in it my mind, three children, one would be adopted, and we would get a surrogate for the other two. Not sure how we would work that out, but I'm hopeful. Lol

The past two days, I have just been getting myself organized to stay on track. Apart from all the school stuff I have to deal with, I'm also building up the social tip. I went to the Drag Show that was at morehouse (haha, yeah right) Spelman last Friday, and that was a lot of fun. There were a lot of live performers doing slam poetry, and I was able to see a few people I know in the show do their thing. The theme was the infamous Morehouse 'Appropriate Attire Policy,' and the models when from gender appropriate attire to gender ambiguous to totally in drag. A lot of the live performers were lesbians, and you know, they know love better than most gay men and most straight people that I know. The models were fab of course. I knew after leaving the show that Morehouse and Spelman are changing. As I leave, it's great to see that more and more students are out and confident in who they are and willing to fight and speak against anybody that would threaten their wellbeing. I kinda wish I was a freshman or sophomore, with the new crop of people at school know, and with the hindsight knowledge I have. But things must change, and I have to leave, move on to the next phase of my life. I nervously look forward at what that might be.

Mood: A little overwhelmed

Listening: "Born to Run" by K-os

Random Quote: I don't think that how that works, but good for you!

Response: … I really don't need the smug sarcasm right now

How Come R Don’t Call Me

*This is going to be a long one*

So much has happened since I last wrote a blog post. I find myself a few steps closer to graduation and adult life. I find myself filling out applications for graduate school, and considering my options for jobs afterwards. My parents are planning to leave my childhood home in Los Angeles. My younger cousin, who I thought would never grow up, is going on her first college tour. I walk down Brown St., the main road cutting through campus, and I have to acknowledge that many of these faces are no longer familiar to me, and many don't recognize mine. There are so many changes going on, and I am trying to keep up.

Much of my entries in the past have focused on me discussing change. But damn, you know what, I have not moved an inch past that whining and complaining. Change is hard. Recognizing those exposed parts of yourself that are weak is the easy part, figuring out how to change them is the hard part. I had thought that I was exposing myself through this blog. Unraveling, layer by layer, the intense walls of isolation and negativity that I continue to wallow in, while time keeps moving. This is not where or who I wanted to be at 21. Yet, I have been making the choice to stay here. Everytime I feel jealous and compare myself to somebody else, every regret I feel for things in the past, every hour that I waste avoiding facing myself, every conservation that I allow my own voice to be crowded out by others, every negative feeling that I allow to take over my day – so many things that I grip tight and hold onto. This is what prevents my progress. It's me. I hate to say that, but I consistently have worked to compromise and diminish myself and my happiness.

So CHOCOLATEDROP or R and I felt apart before we were put together. One night at the club, while we both were drunk and wanted to forget the mess of the past, I kissed him. I can't recall all the events of what happened between us, because for one, it all happened in the course of a week. Perhaps my inexperience in terms of relationships made that week more intense and painstaking than it should have been, but it still really affected me. After the club, I called R and confessed to him that I had feelings for him. He in turn told me that he definitely "felt chemistry" between us and that we should take the time to get to know each other more. I told him that I wanted to "cuddle," J. I ventured up to his dorm and met him in his room. While I sit on the bed, I relax and ask him about his day. He talks quickly and nervously, until he decides to join me on the bed and starts rubbing cocoa butter on my arms. Mind you, I was NOT ashy, so this was his idea of foreplay. From there we start to make out, and then we simply laid there for a minute, and I looked into his eyes. For that brief, 30 minute period, we didn't have sex, but felt such a close and sweet intimacy with him that was gratifying and amazing.

The second time we got together, I actually spent the night. We again made out for a long period, but this time it was more intense. Before he had told me to kiss him gently, but today, I felt the passion and force from his lips, and it felt great. While we kissed and caressed each other naked (yes, I actually got the boy to take off his clothes, a feat in itself), he told me "I feel so safe when you hold me." I have had a few random sex encounters, where I did more than I did with R that night. There was no intimacy, there was no passion, no feeling. With those anonymous hookups, I was almost always left feeling dirty or restless. With R, I felt close to him, and it felt so good, like nothing I had ever experienced before. To have somebody look into your eyes and touch you and make you feel that way. It's something indescribable.

But as fast as the flame between us was sparked, it fizzled out just as fast. What began as a simple text conversation over the phone on my Halloween contest, became a contest to see who could hurt the other's feelings first. Since we had gotten together, it had been a week since I had spoken to him, and if I had, I had to contact him, and he had every excuse in the book. Once it got to Halloween, I was hurt and confused. I was ready to start having that time with him where we could go get something to eat together, or watch a movie, or just hang in the room and act goofy. I didn't even need sex at that point, I just wanted to be around him more. But he pulled away. He said that when we kissed in the club that night weeks earlier, he was drunk. I was "chasin'" him and that I was a bad kisser and gave me some fairly strong impressions that I was not good enough for him and that he was not interested.

I was hurt. Here I thought something was building up, only to be rebuffed. Not only that, but what he said really got under my skin. I felt confused and angry because he was about to have such an effect over me and not even know or care. The connection between us was unbalanced. I don't think that we were right for each other, and I know that now. But it still hurt to lose somebody that I had a genuine connection with. I was specific advised not to get involved with R, considering what had happened earlier this year, but I did it anyway.

Thinking Back

I took a much needed (at least in my mind J ) personal day today. The past week has been meetings, events, studying, exercising, moving stuff, and a lot of wasting time too, but mostly working. I went to the SafeSpace meeting a few days ago. This campus group that is supposed to be the speaking voice for all SGL students. Going to this meeting and seeing the energy and confidence of the new crop of gays at the school made me reflect on my experience here. The first time I had attended a SafeSpace meeting was way back in sophomore year. It was a lively meeting and the topic was basically "where do we go from here," and discuss what should students and Morehouse affirming alumni be doing to promote gay issues. At that point in my life, I was so scared of being found out or discovered that I said nothing doing the whole meeting. Even going to Morehouse, if you choose to shield yourself and hide away, you can easily coast through the school not knowing anyone. I did that. I have spent the better part of four years here thinking that I was different and therefore better than major of the people here. I thought that since I was shy and less able to converse with others and put on airs, that I was preserving some uniqueness within myself that elevated me above those around me. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you close off the rest of the world. Now I know how foolish I was and how much I allowed myself to miss out on as a part of the black college experience. True, I may not have wanted to come here in the first place, but I certain could have made it a more personal and fulfilling experience.

The topic of the meeting was the overstated conflict of homophobia and the church. Ok, even somebody as uninvolved as me is tired of hearing about this one. I mean, really guys? But it was fun to go to the meeting and see some new groups of students. Somebody said in the meeting that each new freshman class of gays are more out and comfortable and flamboyant than the last. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that idea, but it is true that the class of 2013 (omg, that sounds so far away when it isn't …) is a lot more open and active than the ones that I have known. SafeSpace seems to have come back with the bang, and surprisingly has a lot of straight members now, at least in the facebook group. I am excited to get to know more people in the group, and to have an organization like this.

A long time I felt like I was the man on the moon at Morehouse. I wanted to believe that I was somehow fundamentally different from everything that goes into the "Morehouse mystique." But, I am part of that. I am an individual, opinionated, difficult, and complex, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than anybody else at school. I have to let go of the fear of people seeing me as who I am, and hearing what I have to say. I have to be open enough to hear and see others as well, beyond face value.

Mood: Good

Listening: "Already Home," Jay-Z feat. Kid Cudi, "The Glow of Love" by Change feat. Luther Vandross

Random Quote: "No no, they already don't like you, the question is, what are you going to do about it?"

Response: Keep living, breathing, changing and growing.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So the rains have started, stopped and restarted again in Atlanta, and most of this weekend saw those perfect, beautiful clear blue skies that beg for picnics and days at the park. Fall is here. Those cool breezes will turn stronger and colder, and the temperatures will steadily drop. I didn't do a lot this weekend, but I did reflect a lot on my life, I consulted my advisors, and I am learning to better evaluate where I am and what progress I have made. The vast majority of my posts on this blog, I attempted to analyze my perceived idiosyncrasies with a fine-toothed comb, and done nothing with the information. I seem to just spit out my feelings of inferiority, negativity, depression, anxiety – basically every dark part of myself. I have made the complaints, send them out to the world, but the complaints are with me. I have to get up, and do something about it. I have allowed myself to feel comfort in my shortcomings, wallow in them, and live day to day like a hollow shell waiting to be cracked at the first instance.

I have spent an undue amount of time obsessing over things and people that do not care or affect me in anyway. In the second grade, my teacher made us write in this reflections book, and I have kept it to this day. As a little kid, I wrote then that one on my problems was "breaking my shell and reaching out to other people." I guess that phrase, the more things change, the more they stay the same, is true. I have heard it from too many other people, bloggers included. DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. No matter how much I opine about being somebody else, I can't. I can only be me, and I always have to live with me. That's not such a bad thing. There are some parts of myself that I love, and I'm learning to love every part, and discovering the parts I didn't even know were there.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Job Hunting" by Mama's Mustache

Random Quote: "Money doesn't matter to me. Nor does skin color, or what continent she was last on. It just so happens that some of the girls who are cultured/beautiful enough to chill with me are like that." – J.C.

Response: It's too big, it's too wide ... ya'll know the rest

Much Ado About Nothing (It’s cute)

Damn, I wish I was somebody else. Like somebody that goes to parties and clubs and has a fucking good time. Im just sick of the crap that seems to be constantly handed to me as my social life. Pardon me for the negativity, but I must admit this weekend has royally sucked for me. Atlanta Black Pride. The black gay man's sexual feast. He finds himself surrounding by beautiful faces, hard bodies, and feelings of lust and licentiousness that he would be hard-pressed to find any other time of the year. The men, the boys, the gurlz flock to the Super 8 rooftop, TRAXX, 708, the Jungle, Django's, Vita, and the numerous other bars, clubs, and hotel that add to the bevy of excitement. I understand that pride, or at least the underlying purpose of it, is meant to be a celebration of identity, sexuality, individuality, and freedom. The black gay man probably feels twice as much of reason to celebration due to the conflicting and challenging definition of being a black man and gay or single gender loving in this country. So maybe pride is supposed to be a weekend of thanksgiving and celebration, and to an extent it still is. But, it has also become an extension of the typical weekend club experience, but this time around the bars are full of out-of-towners even more in search of those gratifying sexual experiences than the townies. The typical fanfare of conspicuously clad dancers doing things that would make even the most sexually experienced gay blush, armed with oiled, sculpted bodies, extra large, bulging packages and erotic movement. The divas like Toccara, Lil' Kim, Nene and others that play hostess, and the gays of course. The thugs, the gurlz, the tall, the short, the fashionistas, the preps, the big boys, the skinny and mini – every size, shape, type and complexion you can think of can be found in the streets of Atlanta.

I don't really know what I expected to happen. I mean, I tried to enter this situation with the chief intent of enjoying myself. Even, if I was just going to dance by myself (which I did) or have a drink with friends (which I did). But, to my un-surprise, it wasn't lol. Just nights of staring emptily into crowds of strangers that all mesh together into this sweaty, tall mass of nothingness that exist within a realm that I do not comprehend. Initially, I was kinda excited to go out, because I rarely do (although recently that has been a different story). I always privately keep this hope that I will see somebody, lock eyes with somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY and it will just click. Things will work out. I will know what to say or he will say all the right things. We will dance, and kiss and hell, it could just be a one night stand, I don't really care at this point. I guess I don't have any kind of magnetic factor that attracts people to me. I know I'm not the cutest (something that I have yet to fully grasp, but have to accept), I'm short, I don't have a winning personality of charm and wit. Ok, I get it. I don't like it, but I get that much now. It does seem like everyone around me is always having more fun than I am. Man, I hate that feeling lol.

Friday, SIXTYNINE, FRENCHXL and I headed to the Jungle for Wassupnatl's party there. FRENCHXL is a bio major from St. Louis that loves to CHAIN SMOKE weed and tobacco, and drink Wild Irish Rose. Despite my annoyance while waiting for him to "pre-game" with all of his substances, I enjoyed seeing him in this light. I don't him very well, so it was pleasing to see him cut loose and really enjoy himself. He claimed to have touched more dick that he ever had in his life, and taken some champagne from a gentlemen onstage that had toasted it with the tip of his penis as well. SIXTYNINE got some serious action from a queen that skillfully unzipped his pants on the dance floor and also gave him some oral pleasure as well (I don't know if he was exposed or it was through the pants, but I don't think that dude cares all that much). The crowd was a bit older than I expected, and the dancers and pornstars that showed up were a lot more, I don't know, real , to see in person. I honestly didn't have a bad time, I was glad to see my friends really enjoy themselves and to take in all the sights lol. I hadn't really expected to enjoy myself, it is what it is.

Saturday, we headed to Vita, and JUST MISSED the free admission and free vodka. There weren't many people when we first arrived, but in the matter of half an hour, it seems like almost a hundred dudes streamed into that small place. We danced on floor for a minute, and saw the infamous Dwight from the Real Housewives in all his glory having a good ol' time. It got so hot inside that we went outside to take a breather for a minute. Then, I immediately spotted two Morehouse students (because I have this knack for knowing everybody's name and history, but they don't know me of course ), BD and MP. BD was a high ranking SGA official that graduated last year. Short in stature, but not in ego or wardrobe. He immediately comes over, and like any gracious Morehouse Man, gives us the typical display of condescension mixed with intrigue. He is surprise to see SIXTYNINE here, I guess because of his height. But, in any case, after SIXTYNINE caresses his hand, BD goes, "Oh I'm a top, and trust I'm packing, maybe even bigger than you" to SIXTYNINE. Dude, I doubt you are LOL, but anything is possible. Anyway, once BD moves on to continue making his rounds, FRENCHXL gives a call to another friend, who comes to supply some weed. Then, a charming, little liar named Irvington comes over to find out about the square. Irv is a half-Japanese, Half-puerto Rican in town from Michigan by way of Miami, and wants to meet guys "that are interesting in more than sex." He was so pretty that I couldn't help but smile and giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Anyway, he talks to us for a while and even promises to buy me a drink. I know better than anyone that this was a B.S. ting entirely, I had seen him making his way through the whole crowd, with that fake foreign accent playing innocent. An accent immediately gratifies me, makes me want to know more, lol. But yeah, he lied of course lol. I got a few texts from my D.C. friend. He was in town at TRAXX, so I did make the trek out there from Buckhead, but the damn place was hella crowded, and that place was so packed I couldn't begin to find him. The police were like checking the parking lots and arresting people for fighting and "indecent exposure." So I know that was my cue to go home.

I don't think I need to go to any more events. I'd had my fill and I'm ready to move on. One thing I know that I need to do is a complete personal re-assessment, to determine what my weaknesses are (among the many) and more importantly what I consider to be my strengths. Again, I'm slipping into this doomsday outlook on everything. I don't know how to shake it, but I'm really nervous about what's coming. Youth is fleeting, as a gay male, it's a mere millisecond. If this is how things are now, I shudder to think about the future. I have work to do, work on myself.

And sidenote: Since when is the cute the new adjective for any and everything??

Mood: Mean mug on my face

Listening: "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu

Random Quote: Promise me we will buy tickets to fly in next year - SIXTYNINE

Response: I promise you will buy a ticket to come next year. I might be straight by then

La Dolce Vita

SIXTYNINE came back, horny as ever. Since he is finally 21, we decided to head out to some clubs for the local nightlife. At first he had wanted to go to Blake's, so he could dance to disco and house and party with white folks. But we both didn't really care, and eventually just settled on the club promoted by Atlanta's most popular (I guess?) black gay promoter. I have driven past this place numerous times, and it appeared usually packed, line out the door, but today, it was a breeze. I've only been to a few clubs in my life, but I'm always surprised at the difference between 18+ and 21+ clubs, like those three years make a hell of a difference. Compared to some others that I have been to, *cough* TRAXX *cough*, this one was more laid back, dudes were all nice looking, great music, and all around great atmosphere. SIXTYNINE immediately became the target for all of the tall guys in the room. So he had a good time.

All of my party and social experiences in the past have been I went to the party with some friends, talked to them for a minute, then they go off and I become a wallflower. I can't tell you how many awkward walks past dance floors and refreshments I have had in the past, but it's been a lot. I would find somewhere to be posted, get a drink, and that is that. No talking to others, no dancing, a bit of drinking – nothing but strained waiting until the other people I came with were ready to leave. I don't know if I just don't have quite a developed enough personality or what, but that has been every party experience lol. With this in mind, I didn't expect a lot to happen for me at the club. And it didn't lol. I guess I expected some dude to just spot me out of the crowd, whisper something perfect in my ear, and everything else would fall into place. Yeah right. I saw plenty of men that I was attracted to. And I did nothing. I got drunk off of a blue motherfucker, and a margarita. The bartender politely smiled and called me sweetie as he took my LAST 8 DOLLARS lol. I stumble through the club after, probably not looking very attractive or even approachable lol. And that was it.

I admit I was more than a little jealous that SIXTYNINE got more attention than me. But, then again, I wasn't surprised. My apprehension toward these types of events stems from one dull experience after another since I was 13. This is an area that I want to focus on, meeting people at events. Not just in the club atmosphere, but whether it be a cute guy at the bookstore or at an event on campus. Damn, I wish I had a little of that natural charisma that some people do. But you know what? If I want to change it, to become someone else, then I have to work on it. I don't want to radically change who I am, I just want to learn and polish up those parts of myself that I have been neglecting. My level of confidence and social skills are two of them.

Mood: Ok, just HOT

Listening: watching True Blood rerun

Random Quote:

Response:

You Never Know What’s Coming …

It all came rushing down in my head today, and I just feel mean. I feel this sluggish enmity toward everybody and everything. All the things that I don't understand, the people I don't comprehend, the places where I allow myself to fall down, low down. I get so easily consumed by fear. I have a long list of things and people and places that I carry fear, anger, and even hatred for. These negative feelings all just fester within me, and I suffer because of them. I suffer when I expect too much from others, and the worse of myself. I continually see everyone and everything as an ongoing threat to my existence, all of whom I almost naturally have learned to evade or fight at all cost. And what does it take to climb out of these feelings? It takes things like patience, confidence, trust, and love. I believe that I am capable of these things, but I would have to believe that I am capable of change.

I got a call late at night from my mom. She abruptly asked me to delete her facebook account. I was a little angry that she felt it necessary to call me at 2 am about this, but I obliged. After I logged onto her account, I looked at her messages, and found three messages. In these three messages, a woman confessed herself to my mom. She explained her lengthy affair with my father. He had given her an allowance of $300 a week, taken her to the same restaurants he had taken my mother and me. At family parties and gatherings with his friends, she was his companion, he even bought this woman a room down the hall from the room my parents shared when they went away for their anniversary. He told her things about my mother, details about her illness, how she is severely disabled, and how she is blind in one eye and can't even drive at night. The woman wrote that she had "found God" and was fed up with how she felt my father was treating my mother. She thought that everything he had said were lies, and felt it necessary to tell my mom about what was going on.

I have often felt that my mom was cheated out of a lot in her life. To me, she is an incredible person, because she has endured a great deal of pain and sadness, and she still lives on. Since before I was born, she has had a disease called ankylosing spondilitis. The disease slowly fusing the bones of the spine, and causes painful inflammation in the eye and joints throughout the body. I'm really not supposed to be here, as in my mom was probably too sick to carry a child, and had a narrow window to have one. But I am, and so is she. Most of my childhood, she was bedridden, and countless surgeries and the creation of new medicines have given her increased mobility, but she still has limited vision and trouble moving. Taken all of this into account, my father and she do not have even the normal sex life of a middle aged couple. I know now that she was smart enough to know that my father probably had women in his life other than her to fulfill these needs. In fact, she probably preferred he do so. People in my father's family often said that she, in her illness, held him back, but she did a lot for him. She worked in his first office, and has been a constant source of strength, practically, and support. In fact, for all the work that he does, I daresay in her own way, she has done just as much, if not more.

I can't say that I was surprised to hear about my dad's infidelity. I had suspected it as well. But I was just disappointed to see that he was so careless about it. My mother is very proud person, perhaps too much at times. So instead of any defect in my dad, what she felt the most was embarrassment. My dad had paraded this woman around family and friends, people that my mom converse with everyday. She was especially hurt to know that he brought this woman to the same hotel in which they stayed on their anniversary. I honestly don't know what to make of all of this. I know she feels embarrassed, and he feels ashamed. My dad has a lot of issues that he needs to work out for himself. All the men in the family have a history of having women on the side, and they have able-bodied wives. He has issues with drinking, and also seems to be very alone. In fact, he might be the loneliest person I know. I wish I had a closer relationship with him. I wish that my mom wasn't so proud in that we could have a closer relationship. I know that they are adults, I can't carry their burdens. They are the parent and I am the child. But sense I am an only child, sometimes, I feel so connected to their fate and their happiness. Idk …

There have been other things affect where I am at this point, but now I see that childhood is done. 21 years old. Young, yes, but not a kid. No more time for living in my world of dreams, where somebody to blame is always there, the man I love will just arise from thin air, and I can put off with dealing with my problems for the future. I have a lot to work on, and I don't know how all of it will play out. But I know that I have to get started, that I can't give up on me.

 

Mood: Reflective

Listening: Watching Benjamin Button

Random Quote: "You will have fun when you learn to stop expecting things from people," JG

Response: Oh, thanks.

I Cannot Tell A Lie From The Truth

MONEY&SEX and I have been hanging out the past week, movies and lunches and whatnot. No, we aren't dating or anything (according to him, he is seeing some ex-football player turned GA patrolman or whatever) but he likes to get out and do stuff, and he has a car so I don't have to drive all the time lol. We went to see Orphan and The Hangover this weekend, we also ate at Chinese Buddha, well I think that's the name, and also at the Flying Biscuit. I have gotten a crash course into the life of MONEY&SEX , his east coast upbringing, law school aspirations, and more poignantly, his VAST experience in casual sex encounters via the internet. He has deemed himself some kind of sexual guru, and regularly tells me (whether I ask for it or not) about who I should be doing, and wants to know every painstaking detail of my encounters. I was hesitant to trust MONEY&SEX because I have conflicted feelings toward him. I regret having done anything with him in the past, and he was a player in all the drama of last semester. But something about him, the self-serving way he refers to himself, his CONSTANTLY referring to me as short or little - those are just some of the many things he does that put me off. I know I have a long way to go in tolerating other people, but he really tests me.
I hooked up randomly with somebody at an "independent living facility" on the Southside. No, I wasn't with some 70 year old man looking to get his rocks off, but the 23 year old that works the front desk after hours. He was cute, he had braces, and had this adorable accent. I admit that living in Atlanta has made those accents grow on me. Anyway, so we met up at the front desk, he buzzes me in and we then proceed to one of the empty rooms. The room was cold, and set up like a hotel suite, it was nice. I laid on the bed, and he then goes to the bathroom and, well, prepared I assume. So he then gets naked, but I'm not paying attention to his body, which was GOOD, but his right hand. I see a plain gold ring on his finger. Oh. My. God. Seriously? It was good though. He gave me head, which was a first for me, and he did a great job as well lol. I tried bottoming again, but the same problem, pain, like almost immediately once he got close to penetration. He said "You act like you know what your doing down there" when I gave him head. So thanks, mr. nightwatchman

This morning I texted MONEY&SEX and asked if wanted to play tennis later. He said sure, then after he grilled me about my night at the "home." I hate talking about these things with people, and I gave as little detail as possible. Then, he tells me that he went on a date with my first, BIGGIERICH, to some theater in Henry County, and that BIGGIERICH ate him out in the theater, and that he's a bottom, and that he has a master's in the same field I am interested in. A lot of random details that I re BOLD FACE LIE. I immediately called BIGGIERICH, and he easily debunked MONEY&SEX's lie. I mean, did he not think it would be easy for me to find out the truth? Two possibilities: MONEY&SEX is either the worst liar known to man, or he wanted me to know he was lying and this is part of some subversive mind game. I don't have time for this. I can't barely keep the truth straight to myself, and now the people around me are spreading BS?

I wish my other peoples were here!!!


Mood: exhausted from HEAT
Listening: Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds
Random Quote: "He a lie" - BIGGIERICH
My Response: TRUE

Close Encounters of an Intimate Kind

I'm sitting here, watching Tiny and Toya, and I'm thinking: if these women can really get it together, why can't I (LOL)? I flew back into Atlanta from DC confused and exhausted. I was confused because I am entering my SENIOR year of college. I have to decide, and fairly quickly decide where I am going to end up next year. I have no idea even on what city I want to live in, what career I really want to see myself in, who I want to be in the next 5, 10 + years. It's scary. Since I there is no blueprint, no one steady or right path to take, but I don't want to take one that leads toward disappointment or regret. That much, I do know.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have had opportunities to "hook up" with men in Atlanta. It's funny to think about how just 4 months ago, I turned my nose up at people that did the online sex thing, and here I am wading waist deep in the waters of BGClive and adam4adam. Is it right? I don't know. I have been with a thug, an intellectual, a mechanic, a teacher, and CDC number cruncher. These are all artificial, arbitrary labels, and none of them are all-encompassing. I met these guys for at the most 4 hours, and we didn't exactly have soul-searching discussions. I know that for me, sex is good. No, sex is great lol. Contact with a man, being touched and felt and kissed and more is an amazing experience, each time feels different, and surprises you. I also need intimate contact. I need you to look into my eyes, and kiss me passionately and feel down my back and across all of my limbs and protruding parts. I need you to take an active role with me, please don't sit back and lay there, and expect me to kiss and suck and ride while you barely do anything. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! I shouldn't have to tell you to do that!

I didn't have the opportunity to top, but I have bottomed (safely of course), and each time it was a painful experience, like really painful. The tops were rough, really rough. It's a trip to go to the bathroom half an hour after having anal sex and seeing BLOOD. That was scary, really scary. I don't know if I can only do it with someone that I really trust, or if I need to learn some special pelvic exercises or what. I kind of assumed that since I am short, it's expected that I'm supposed to bottom, and I assumed it was supposed to feel good, but, in the times I have done it, it has not. This is a superficial concern, but in the future I will be more aggressive in stating what I want and try to relax more. I don't think I will be patrolling these sites anymore. I'm the type of person that has an addictive person, and I could easily see myself setting these casual encounters on a near daily basis. That would be a pitiful state of being, and an unproductive (not to mention unsafe) means of personal development.

 

When I ask others about my concerns toward sex, I get the typical answers. MONEY&SEX says you just lay on your stomach and it doesn't hurt at all. All I can do there is roll my eyes, I'm not going there with him. I hate talking to him or SIXTYNINE about these types of things, because they always come off so smug and stuff. I get very sensitive whenever it comes to these issues about sex and relationships. The people I know always have the right answer, like I should do this or that, and if I don't I'm strange. MONEY&SEX told me that the fact that I have had such few partners is strange and I am at a detriment because I don't have more sex. The man that friends people on facebook just to see if they are potential hookups. Let me live the way I see fit.

I'm starting to come to a better definition on how I see sex and relationships through these causal encounters. More than ever, I see that I need to RELAX, be willing to open my mouth and talk to people, and stop expecting and comparing. Nobody is worried about me other than me. I can be envious of people all day, I can hope that every man I see will be some prince charming, but that doesn't do anything but set me up to be disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointment, awkward moments, all of the emotions that I subject myself to out of my own insecurities with myself in interacting with others.

It’s Been a Long Time Coming …

It's hard to be grateful. It's much easier for me to be mad. Right now, I'm trying to let it go of all the frustration, anger, discouragement - all the negative feelings that have consumed me for the past two days. Something I haven't quite mastered I guess.

For the past two weeks, I have made a new "Friend." I say because I don't quite know what we are to each other. In June, I was feeling really depressed and bored here, because I didn't know anybody, and the other interns in my program were not really doing it for me at the time. I came to start talking to MONEY&SEX on the phone. A LOT. I mean, I think I talked to him everyday for a while. He can be extremely arrogant and careless in his confidence on the phone – like I don't think he has every truly criticized himself. But anyway, one day we were talking and the conversation got to BGC. He was like "well, if you aren't getting any attention on there, let me 'work' on your account." I easily relented. So he changes around my about me section and most everything else. And but of course, I start getting messages from people. I hate that. Why do I do something and nobody responds at all, then he does it and the attention comes immediately? K

So he boils it down to two people on there. French and d16. French only seems to have a provocative crotch shot with his basketball shorts barely exposing his freshly cropped pubic hair. D16 looks to be a fem (well, at least more than I thought I could be attracted to) kid from the suburbs. With my permission, out of both envy and curiosity, I let him talk to the both of them under my guise. By the end of the night, he has set me up on a date for sex with French and a real date with d16. I was slightly scared at this point. I didn't know anything about French except that he was supposed to be a student at Trinity University, an African immigrant from France, and that he wanted me "between his legs"… So to the shock of MONEY&SEX, I traveled to the NE area of DC, right off Rhode Island, and hung out with this dude in his back bedroom. He was fairly big, but once he was finished he said "well, that was relaxing." And walked me back to the bus stop. I was really confused. I don't know if I was good or bad, and I don't know how I feel about it. I remember he looked very much unlike his pictures on bgc and his eyes looked like he was blazed out for days before that. I'm worried that I will continue to attract the same type of guy. But anyway I did it.

D16 and I have been dating on and off for a few weeks. We're both in demanding programs and don't get to see each other a lot. To me, he is sweet and everytime I think of him it makes me want to smile. He is a strict bottom and considerably more fem than I am, but I enjoy being around him, and he likes me for some strange reason. He can be a little ridiculous in public, I mean, one time we were riding on a crowded red line train and the boy started singing, LOUDLY. I was very embarrassed. We haven't had a lot of chances to be intimate, but through my own convoluted thinking, I brought him up to the office where we fooled around. There was no penetration, but I have a permanent scar on my knee due to rugburn … Another time, we got caught in the rain walking to the train. It was one of those moments that I will always remember, because for the first time I have been able to share that part of myself with someone and it feels great. I love it.

Mood: Alright

Listening: Nothing, I need some new music

Random Quote: "I miss u too" d16

Response: awwww

More Thoughts

I went on a run tonight to the Washington Monument. And now, I am beat. I thought I had been making gains in terms of losing weight and getting in shape, but I realize that it takes a lot of work when you have a history of being chubby. Running is … hard lol. And it's usually so easy for me to be psyched out about how it's going to feel, and insecure about having to stop halfway through the workout. I realize that there are many things that I want to do: get in good shape, be healthier, sustain better relationships, network and build new ones, and GET INTO A GOOD GRADUATE SCHOOL. In terms of the whole man thing … I don't know. I haven't exactly really been putting myself out there to meet people and seek out potential relationships. In my mind, I admit that I think I am a lot more attractive than I really am. Combining that warped self-image with my long-felt feelings of desperation and rejection, every man I see, gay or straight (or bi … K), that looks decent (and these days, in this city, that seems to be a lot) I get my hopes up. I look into their eyes with a sense of longing and interest that probably would get me jumped were I not in public. So, if they do notice, they return the favor with either a stare of unconcern, confusion, or total refusal. This just decimates my sense of self-esteem. I would love to be like everybody else. I have these "friends" that tell me all of these stories about people they have meet, and times with friends who do this and that. All I can think about is "I want that for myself. How do I get those attractive, flashy friends?"

I'm smart enough about myself to know that I am an intensely jealous, no envious person. The envy is the result of others throwing their insecurity or pride unto me, and I tend to take things at face value. Changing this disastrous way of thinking means changing a lot of the way I view the world. It's hard to remember not to take myself or anyone else too seriously. One of the things I struggle with all the time. How do I continue to maintain my sense of self, when all I see within myself are things that need to be fixed, tweaked, and repaired? That in itself is something I need to work on. Finding the good with myself, and also within others. When I walk around, carrying this cynical and discouraging view of people and life, it's no wonder I'm not getting what I want or need out of life. I am not calling it to myself.

Mood: Better

Listening: "Reflections" by Diana Ross and the Supremes

Random Quote: ExaminedLife, why do you have to be so cool?

Response: Enrique, why are you so damn sarcastic?

Music Just Saved My Life

I joined one of my friends from Morehouse to go to an Anthony Hamilton concert last night. It was ON. It was Chrisette Michelle, Musiq Soulchild and him. They are brought something different to the table, and I could appreciate their unique styles, yet they all are definitely a part of the neo-soul movement. Anthony brought the house down with his energy and sense of movement and vitality, even with a limp leg lol. He took you to the juke joint, a Southern Baptist church, and a family picnic all in the range of one show. I realized then how much I really love music and I truly enjoyed that shared experience of hearing "my" song and singing and jamming with the rest of the crowd. It was a great experience.

Before that, I had a bit of a revealing experience when I told one of my roommates I was gay. He was surprised, but he didn't really seem to care. That to me was cool. I'm thinking I might buy a rainbow wrist thing and just wear that. I mean, because that way, it's saying it without REALLY saying it. I'm tired of people asking me if I have a girlfriend. Like, it's the question of the day. To me, it's shouldn't be any of their business, but of course people are curious. Honestly, at this point, I don't care anymore. I'm ready to be me. It sounds corny as hell, but I always felt that everybody else was stifling me sexually, but it was never about them. It was always about me. Going to the concert, and hearing all those songs about love and affection, made me really long to have somebody there with me, for me. It made we want to feel and express myself physically emotionally, sexually – without a thought to who might care or react. It made me feel slightly more positive about the future and what is to come for me.

This week I am going to focus on being a better intern, and framing the world around me in the way that I want it to be. I don't mean, that I am going to walk around in a delusional fog, but I am going to start to work on creating the person and the life that I want to have. If I'm going to be unhappy, then it won't be by choice. I have to work with myself at those angry, sad, and discouraged points to remain focus and stay positive. I have to be my own best friend.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Love Brings Change" by Jamie Foxx

Random Quote: "No, we ain't singing your song tonight. I'm tired of Charlene." – Anthony Hamilton

Response: hahaha

Last post on this guy, I hope …

It was a cool, rainy day today. I got caught in a little of it walking to work lol. Even as I was walking to work, I was still thinking about JG. I was wondering if I should cave and call him or just let him drop out of my life. This always happens to me. When people are in my life, I try my hardest to push them away, but when they do leave, for better or for worse, I end up feeling bad. I talked a little big to SIXTYNINE about it, and this is what he had to say.

[23:47] ExaminedLife: i need to change out of my work clothes lol
[23:47] SIXTYNINE: lol
[23:47] SIXTYNINE: i'm ni my undies
[23:47] ExaminedLife: haha
[23:47] ExaminedLife: should i even be surprised
[23:48] SIXTYNINE: i hate pants
[23:49] ExaminedLife: haha
[23:51] ExaminedLife: can only imagine what you will be up to
[23:51] SIXTYNINE: talking to The girlfriend eating pizza hut
[23:52] SIXTYNINE: you don;t like it when i talk to you and jack it
[23:53] ExaminedLife: I'm not the one who would
[23:54] ExaminedLife: save that for Mr. CHOCOLATEDROP
[23:54] SIXTYNINE: wow
[23:54] SIXTYNINE: where'd you dig out that skeleton
[23:56] ExaminedLife: you're memory is mighty short
[23:57] ExaminedLife: that was two months ago lol
[23:57] ExaminedLife: *your
[23:57] SIXTYNINE: you musta found him on the Columbia Law school fan page
[23:57] ExaminedLife: funny
[23:57] ExaminedLife: that would be JG SORRY ASS
[23:57] ExaminedLife: he that still has not called me BACK
[23:57] ExaminedLife: but I'm not bitter
[23:57] ExaminedLife: ..
[23:58] SIXTYNINE: yeah right
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: CHOCOLATEDROP est maintenant fan de Columbia Law School.
[23:59] ExaminedLife: who?
[23:59] ExaminedLife: CHOCOLATEDROP?
[23:59] ExaminedLife: ain't nobody worried 'bout weasel eyes
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: uh huh
[23:59] ExaminedLife: i was talkin about JG lol
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: i was saying from earlier
[00:00] SIXTYNINE: i know who JG is and I'm still in disbelief that you can take somelong to get over a bad person no longer liking you
[00:00] ExaminedLife: haha
[00:00] ExaminedLife: he's not bad
[00:00] SIXTYNINE: see
[00:01] ExaminedLife: well, it's complicated, i don't knwo
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: i mean a bad friend a bad confidant a bad mentor
[00:01] ExaminedLife: i do carea bout him
[00:01] ExaminedLife: damn
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: a person who's bad at being loyal bad at being there for you
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: bad at compassion bad a eloquence bad at understanding
[00:02] ExaminedLife: damn ... ok ...
[00:02] SIXTYNINE: not a bad person
[00:02] ExaminedLife: he was alright. I mean, I don't know
[00:02] ExaminedLife: i liked having somebody check up on me everyday
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and joke around with about bs sometimes
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and talk about planning with
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and who is also gay
[00:03] ExaminedLife: i mean, come on. That is like needle in a haystack
[00:03] SIXTYNINE: easy come...
[00:03] ExaminedLife: it wasn't exactly easy come
[00:04] ExaminedLife: but the going definitely was for some reason
[00:05] SIXTYNINE: well it's over now
[00:05] ExaminedLife: and it sucks
[00:05] SIXTYNINE: oh is this another game
[00:05] ExaminedLife: i miss my mentor lol
[00:05] ExaminedLife: huh?
[00:06] SIXTYNINE: weren't you mad at him
[00:06] ExaminedLife: yeah
[00:06] SIXTYNINE: so how did this become you begging for him to take you back in his life
[00:06] ExaminedLife: but i didn't ask to cast him out
[00:06] ExaminedLife: i haven't
[00:06] ExaminedLife: that's why i haven't spoken to him since
[00:07] SIXTYNINE: but you're mad he won't call you
[00:08] ExaminedLife: i'm disappointed
[00:08] ExaminedLife: damn, it's like a relationship, but not
[00:09] SIXTYNINE: that he proved himself to be what he already proved himself to be
[00:09] ExaminedLife: like, if somebody literally called or texted you everyday
[00:09] ExaminedLife: and then just stopped
[00:09] SIXTYNINE: if Karl Trusdale did that, his discontinuence would be shouted from the rooftops
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: or micha or anyone else i didn't like
[00:10] ExaminedLife: wait, huh?
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: just b/c someone contacts you doesn't make them a friend
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: just b/s someone is a friend doesn't make them a good one
[00:11] ExaminedLife: well, i appreciated that consistency
[00:11] ExaminedLife: that is now gone lol
[00:11] SIXTYNINE: and just b/c the other person lets go first doesn't mean it should have always stayed together
[00:12] ExaminedLife: i guess
[00:13] SIXTYNINE: i mean, maybe you presented the worst of both of us to each other or w/e but I have never been fond of JG and I'm not sorry to see him out of your life
[00:13] ExaminedLife: haha
[00:14] SIXTYNINE: I don't have all the answers for you either (although I love pretending I do)
[00:14] ExaminedLife: well, i probably didn't present a fair representation
[00:14] SIXTYNINE: but I didn't like seeing you care more about someone than they cared about you
[00:14] ExaminedLife: but i miss his texts and calls none the less
[00:15] SIXTYNINE: so what was it that you wanted: a friend or a fan?
[00:15] ExaminedLife: he didn't exactly cheer me on lol
[00:15] ExaminedLife: he would just joke with me, or talk about himself
[00:16] ExaminedLife: and i didn't mind it to be honest
[00:16] ExaminedLife: .. most of the time lol
[00:16] SIXTYNINE: well good with the bad and all that
[00:17] SIXTYNINE: just don't go wanting what don't want you
[00:17] ExaminedLife: clearly
[00:17] ExaminedLife: that to me is like the whole of black gay men rejecting me
[00:18] ExaminedLife: because that is what he was for me lol. Like a microcosm of all the experiences, and wants, and ideas that I don't have
[00:18] ExaminedLife: concerning 'the life'
[00:19] SIXTYNINE: but why want to buy in so despretly to a system that doesn't want and doesn't understand you
[00:20] ExaminedLife: and what are my other options
[00:20] ExaminedLife: be alonw
[00:20] ExaminedLife: be alone?
[00:20] ExaminedLife: that's all i have
[00:20] ExaminedLife: or rather, all i could
[00:20] SIXTYNINE: no
[00:20] ExaminedLife: that is my demographic
[00:20] ExaminedLife: and my demographic
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: just don't be a homothug
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or a dl brotha
[00:21] ExaminedLife: rejected me
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or a oreo fag
[00:21] ExaminedLife: huh?
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or anything
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: just be you
[00:21] ExaminedLife: a black gay man is what i am
[00:21] ExaminedLife: i wasn' t even going there
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: but you know as well as I do that that is not just one thing
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or two
[00:22] SIXTYNINE: or ten
[00:22] ExaminedLife: i was just saying that for me, JG represented the life
[00:22] ExaminedLife: and the life said that i was bitchy and wanted everything to go my way
[00:22] ExaminedLife: and then didn't call me again
[00:22] ExaminedLife: what do i take from that
[00:23] ExaminedLife: that i literally have no peer group that i can belong to
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: why do you need a peer group
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: can't you just have peers
[00:24] ExaminedLife: that's where they would come from ...
[00:24] ExaminedLife: peers from peer group
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: is that how you found me
[00:25] SIXTYNINE: I don't belong to your peer group
[00:25] ExaminedLife: you do, sort of
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: key word sort of
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: you sort of belong
[00:26] ExaminedLife: but you don't know any more of the life than i. I just appreciated having somebody that has been in my place, and hearing about his experiences and ideas
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: you can't find identity and meaning from ppl that are 'kinda' like you
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: and you got that
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: so what else did you need from him
[00:27] ExaminedLife: i just wanted to hear from him
[00:27] ExaminedLife: that's all
[00:27] ExaminedLife: i haveway like the nigga dammit
[00:27] ExaminedLife: with his craziness and all lol
[00:28] SIXTYNINE: well that's another story
[00:28] SIXTYNINE: for another time, lol
[00:29] ExaminedLife: it's just weird
[00:29] ExaminedLife: and i'm here, and again, as in atlanta
[00:29] ExaminedLife: i can't even really enjoy it
[00:29] ExaminedLife: so what's the point
[00:29] ExaminedLife: i can't even get a damn hit for sex on damn bgc

And that was it. So that is where my mind is right now. Still on damn JG.

Mood: alright

Listening: Searchin' for my soul by Amel Larrieux

Random Quote:

Response:

Musing on Things …

 

Drip, Drip, DRIP. Our faucet has been leaking all DAY, and it's driving me insane. Of course there is close to nothing I can do about it, just one of those things you have to let go. I have been in the "district" for about a week now, and it's been good. The dorms at GW are, well, they definitely leave something to the imagination. Our room was pretty dirty when we got here, but it's starting to feel normal. It's been so hot and humid in the fanless bathroom that my bath towels don't even dry at night. My roommates are all really nice guys, and I love that they aren't psychotic frats or players bringing girls in here every night. What I also enjoy are the walks to work in the morning. Something about a man in a suit, with a well groomed face, and a smug look of self-important. Yeah. Hot. Every morning there are at least 3 guys I see that make that walk in the morning sun worthwhile.

In my job today I thought I was making progress on research project. But after a few talks with my boss and my mentor, I am back to square ONE. It's very frustrating because I have to go back, retrace my whole though process, and come up with a new research question. Meanwhile, I can barely stay awake during our meetings, and I am trying to budget the lunch issue. I don't know how people afford lunch. Like 8 dollars for a sandwich/main items, not including a drink. Maybe I'm cheap, but that is a LOT to me lol. I'm confident that my project will work out, but in the meantime, I have to do quite a bit of leg work to catch up on things. I just wish I had a summer, or a month, where I had absolutely nothing to do or care about. Where I could just relax, and enjoy exploring a new place, with all the time I wanted to relax and just be. That would be paradise lol.

There was this FINE dude working at the Safeway bagging groceries. He had the best lips and that sleepy look in his eye, and developed muscles in his arms with the slightly bulging veins. Yeah, that tease … Knowing my luck he is probably straight . I tend to only find straight men attractive, especially when they are with a woman. I don't know what it is lol, but that is the truth. I am only attracted to men that are straight. I know it's definitely not a rare thing for a gay man to go through, but at the same time unproductive to my development right now. What is it about men that I know to be gay that I don't see as attractive? I think it is that something within them that I see in myself that I don't like. But there are always things in them, bascially gay expectations that I don't see in myself. There are definitely gay norms, and the black gay norms are perhaps even more conflicted. I'm not tall, I'm not athletic, I have a dreadfully average build, yeah. Not much in the looks department, but we all have to make a way, right? How do I attract what I want? How do I even know what I want? The issue is just trying to be more accepting, of my own shortcomings and those of others.

 

Mood: Cool

Listening: Actually watching that Television spin doctor Nancy Grace

Random Quote: Man, you're healthy, your in shape

Response: Oh EV, you are such a tease …

Busting Out?

I was talking to my friend JH on the phone. We were introduced by a mutual friend a while ago. Although I quickly found out (from him) that we are "irreconcilably incompatible," he has being a cool person for me to bounce ideas off of. He is so ready to come out to DC and visit, but I don't know where he would stay. I have three other roommates, and that would be an interesting situation to explain to them, especially since I am not out to them. In fact, the whole "out" status thing has been the subject of most of our conversations as of late. The biggest thing I'm worried about is how I actually do it, and how I navigate my relationships, especially with my roommates if they know this information. Do I have to hear them in hushed conversations talking about "sissies" and whatnot that would (hopefully) abruptly end as I enter the room? I don't know how to deal with all of that.

I don't know how to define myself as a gay men, because I'm still confused on a lot of things. What about being a black man? A man in general? An only child? I have so many different categories for myself, yet none fit me well, nor do I know have to wear any of them adequately. I don't know how to dress, I don't play basketball, I am very soft-spoken, I can be a loner. Does that make me bad or strange or just different, or just lik everybody else. I have spent much time worrying or deliberating on how to stay positive and just be myself. How many times have I written that? lol

Mood: good

Listening: Liar by Madcon    

Random Quote:

Response:

Quick Update

Went out to this place called Busboy's and Poets on U St., but it was so damn crowded we couldn't get in. The more time I spend in D.C., the more I like it here. Not nearly as many black people as in Atlanta, but you get all kinds here. It's not as segregated to be. There were lots of gays, blacks, whites, latinos, you can find a little of everything here. Even during the day walking to work, you see professions in suits and polos of every persuasion, there is an energy in the air that makes you pumped and feel connected. Of course, I have yet to meet anybody that could be a summer buddy for me, but I'm going to try to find somebody out here. Too many dudes out here for me not to at the very least make a friend. But knowing me, that's what would happen.

After walking around trying to find a place (half the group was under 21 grrr …), half of us just went to this Spanish type bar for drinks. I got this thing called a Metropolitan. Wow, could I be any more gay. Whatever it was, it had me pretty loose, like I didn't directly do anything stupid, but were it another group of people it would have been another story lol. Right now, it's like, I don't know if I should or should not tell people about me being gay. Sometimes, women have an expectation that you should be always trying to court them, especially when you go out. I don't know. I was ready to have fun, I know that lol. It didn't really happen last night though.

I'm still thinking about damn JG. I don't know why, but I am. I hate the idea of losing anything, especially a friend, with what few I do have. To be honestly, I never felt totally myself around him, and I think he only tolerated me because I reminded him of his ex boyfriend. It's tiring to be around people that only see you and pigeonhole you into one definition: the nerd. Even my close friends do this. I am immediately a nerd, meaning I can't dance, I have no swag, I'm not that cool. Damn I hate that. People might surprise you if you give them a chance, me included. JG did that shit all the time with his smart ass comments about me. I have sent too many unresponded texts and calls to not know that he basically just told me deuces lol. But damn if that sucks. We talked almost everyday since like October. The fact that he could just as easily cut that off says a lot I guess. Nobody said this was a friendly or happy life, but I don't want it to be a lonely one. So many other things going on, so why can't I get somebody that obvious doesn't give a care about me out of my mind. I guess I had a crush on that yellow mf. K

 

Mood: Ok

Listening: "Beggin'" by Madcon

Random Quote: Dude you got a Hangover - roommate

Response: Not from one drink, but I got my lil buzz going

Letting Go of the B.S.

Internalizing my emotions is a big problem for me. Sometimes, I get so angry, or sad, or at those RARE times happy, but it is all contained. Often, it's like the people that I thought I was close to are the ones that let me down. The feeling starts and grows in my head and takes over how I feel and my whole persona. Like, all of a sudden I have a weight put around my chest. Sometimes, it makes me want to holler out loud!

I asked my "friend" JG to take me to the airport tomorrow (well, later this morning), and perhaps spend some time with him this weekend. I asked him about this over a week in advance, twice, and both times I asked him if he had anything to do, and he said he didn't. I get home from the airport today, and he calls and says he will be there in an hour. Mind you, this is after I had walked down the terminal, taken the train, got through baggage, and I am at the curb. So I tell him I will take a cab to the townhouse, because I needed to change out my bags. I was online in Detroit for a week, while I will be in D.C. for two months. So I needed a lot more bags.

JG texted me and said maybe it would be easier if I had more time to pack and that he could come later. It was only going to take me a few minutes to repack and be ready to go. Then he tells me over the phone that he had a cookout and a dinner party to go to, and he needed to shower and get ready. So, my choices were for him to come get me now, or wait until after he was finished with all of his activities. I relented and just said ok I'll wait. So, every time I go to JG's house, he falls asleep. So I am just sitting in the living room twiddling my thumbs like, OKAY …. I later (10 pm) sent him a text and said that I would just take a cab in the morning and that he wouldn't have to come pick up me. And it starts.

So he says "Not everything can go your way. I told you I had other things to do. Why you throwing a tantrum." Then I responded that he had only told me today about his busy social calendar. And he then said, that I was rude and that I was bitching about nothing and all this stuff. I was infuriated. I literally had to shout out loud, and I am still mulling over the emotions of what happened. What I hate about in my dealings with JG is that he is infalliable and I am always wrong. I criticize him, I throw tantrums, I am bitchy, I am PMsing, and he just cruises through everything as Mr. Nice Guy.

I know now in reflection that he was going to do me a favor, so I just should have been patient and waited. But if he was so busy, why couldn't he have just told me that before and not tried to mask what he was doing. I understand that if anything is not beneficial to him, he does not prioritize it. Especially concerning me. That much I understand. But damn, you could at least maybe consider that I also matter, that I always don't need to be attacked by him. I feel like I can't depend on him for anything.

The further I go along, I feel like I can't seem to trust or let anyone into my life. Eventually, everyone either just makes me really angry or disappoints me. I know the theory that if you have a problem with everyone, they aren't the problem, it's you. The farther I go along with others, they seem to trust me less and less. With JG, there have been times where he invited me to go to the gym with him or out with his friends. And both times I either declined or he judged that I'm not a good person to do those things with.

I don't know, this sucks. I don't have anybody at this point that I can depend on, that sees me as a resource to be valued, nor do I have anybody I value in that respect. I guess I have to do that for myself first. It's so disheartening because I feel like the people I know don't have the time or energy to put up with me, and on the flipside, I push them further away. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment, and general malaise. I hate that I always feel like I am always having to apologize. What is my issue? That everything and everyone that takes importance in my life, I am in conflict with.

Mood: Grumpy

Listening: Get on up by Jodeci

Random Quote:

Response:

Same ol’ Same ol’ …

It's cold in Michigan. I'm mean, it's June and it's cold in this piece. I had to run back to the room today and turn on the heat. LOL. I have been spoiled by Los Angeles and Atlanta weather, both mild compared to the rest of the country. But today was an okay day. Full of lectures from professors, I mean, we sat in the same building for 10 hours today. I was nodding off by 2, I couldn't make it.

Since one of my goals is to learn to be sociable and attempt some of my social awkwardness, I "endured" this evening of going to a bar to drink beer. The program I am doing is full of environmentally minded people. The outdoorsy, hippie types that surf, and backpack, run 6 miles in the morning (my roommate), and travel to Kilimanjaro and East India to save the world. I know that these are exactly the type of people that I complain aren't at Morehouse. But to a degree, I just feel so dwarfed by them. I don't know. They see and do so much more than I do. What, I study and feel depressed and go to Atlantic Station. That's the sum of my life outside of class. I often don't feel very interesting or know what to see. In fact, I often just lie, because I don't have anything else to say.

This has been one of my greatest challenges. Just to go out with a group of my peers. It's just about the hardest thing for me to do. I wish it wasn't. This great negative anticipation I attach to these casual situations is RIDICULOUS. Yet I do it every time. It is so hard for me to just be natural, retain a positive outlook. Instead, those thoughts of self-doubt come in, and I feel myself being too quiet, stumbling over my words, laughing too loudly and insecurely. Like, I'm afraid people will see something they don't like, and all I see in them are things that I don't like.

I'm going to start meditating. I need to do something to start quieting my mind and setting things start. The reason I am so unsettled is that I never take the time to reflect back on this, and realize half the bullshit I feel I create and delude myself with. That's the hardest thing to realize. I know I don't have that animal magnetism and charisma that some people have. In fact, I am like a natural deterrent. There is a cute dude that is well spoken (check) and he went to Harvard (check), and he is so nice. I don't even know what to say or how to approach him. And it was probably wishful thinking on my part, but I swear I saw him smile at me during lunch. I could have fallen out then and there. Well, two days down, 6 to go. Please God, let him be GAY lol. Tell me I am not crushing on a str8 boy AGAIN. Damn if that doesn't happen every day.

Mood: chilly

Listening: Runnin' by Pharcyde

Random Quote: none

Response: Ok, let's fix this thing called catchingupat20 …

Back to LA

L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean catchingupat20; I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry; in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm going to take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way. I have a lot of things I want. Confidence, Social Skills, personal Style, Fitness, Relationships, Money, Health, the list goes on and on and on lol. But, I'm going to look at it one day at a time. And do what I can, without rushing or anticipating things and ruining the moment.

 

Mood: Good

Listening: Saudade Vem Correndo by Stan Getz

Random Quote: "All I remember about the dude was that he had Size 17 feet" – OLDGIRL, smiling

Response: *eyeroll* of course that's all YOU remember …

Just One of Them Days …

I'm here in the library, currently working on what I thought was a group project by myself, lol. I have my last final tomorrow, a presentation. And then I am done for the year. Thank you!!! I needed a break from people today. I don't feel like listening to others problems, and I damn sure don't want to talk about my own right now. I wish I had my own place, a little island somewhere or a nice patio, where I could just sit and lay my head back and just be. For the past few weeks, it seems like I can't turn around without stepping on anyone's toes or creating some sort of tension. I have always been a person that seems to carry a lot of tension. I walk fast and with heavy footsteps, and I think I miss a lot of things in rushing around from one project to the next. The main reason I rush is procrastination. Lately, I haven't felt much of an impetus to do anything, and I always seem to finish every project at the last minute and in an incomplete way.

Did I say I hate this library??? SO DAMN LOUD. Black people treat the library like the parking lot at Cascade. If wasn't short and under 150, I would go off on somebody in here.

Little Boy or Grown Ass Man

I have a lot more growing up to do. It's funny to look back and think about the silly things that I have said and done in my life. I remember as a kid I let a friend borrow money from me, and pressured her so much to pay me back that she stole the money out of her mama's purse the next day lol. At an even younger age, I admitted to myself that I was a "child of the sun," and I would not only stare straight into the sun, but I also squinted. The perfect vision I inherited was lost forever. I also cheated on an essay in the 9^th grade. I told everybody in the 5^th grade that Crystal Jackson was a ho, that one of my 'good' friends was a faggot, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I strangely always seem to remember. I didn't think that I would get caught, but I did, and I found myself greatly humbled afterward. I tell lies, and I like to gossip. These are my vices (among others …). I realize know that they manifest often when I find myself at a loss or unwilling to talk about my own life. They can't be excused away, but the reason I tend to fall back on them time and time again, is because I rarely get caught. Today I did.

I have to introduce an interesting cast of characters: CHIPMUNK, CHOCOLATEDROP, MONEY&SEX, and the omnipresent SIXTYNINE. CHIPMUNK I contacted through honesty box on facebook (which I have deleted FOR GOOD as an application). Initially, I thought he was cute and I wanted to get to know him. We shared some messages, and he seemed interesting, so we planned to meet. I invited him to dinner, but I also brought SIXTYNINE along for protection. I, in my own naivety and insecurity, did not realize that he, CHIPMUNK, intended this to be a date. So, as I had gotten to know CHIPMUNK more and more, I began to see the similarities between him and myself. We even went out on another outing that I did not know was a "date" but he considered it to be. Over the past two months, I pretty much haven't spent a weekend away from him. I have come to learn a lot about CHIPMUNK, and I judged him not to be someone that I would pursue romantically. Not only does he seem to carry a deeper degree of depression than myself, but he also has a lot of strange quirks and ways about him that I just couldn't see myself relating to. And I made mistake number 1. I judged CHIPMUNK to be lesser than myself and not worthy of my affection.

CHOCOLATEDROP is CHIPMUNK's best friend, and they share an extremely, extremely close friendship. And also very physical. VERY PHYSICAL. Anyway, I first met him, on one of their weekly jaunts into Piedmont Park. At first, he seemed like the usual, DL, Morehouse, Christian mindless, hypocritical moralist. He claimed that he was a virgin, and seeing as how I met him at Piedmont Park after dark, I had my doubts. I quickly judged him in the negative, because he seemed like a self-important airhead, and talked endlessly about him and the boys that propositioned him on honesty box. I thought he was too effeminate and dramatic for my taste. But CHOCOLATEDROPhas a quality about him, and the more I spent time with him, the more I began to really see him and become attracted to him. I started to love his voice, his smooth, dark skin, his always perfect goatee, and air of confidence and charm. We also shared a brief, but perfect kiss that left him notably disappointed, but left me wanting more. He seemed to be in such high demand, that I did not pursue simply because I didn't have the will to compete for his affection. But herein lays mistake number 2. I hid my feelings about CHOCOLATEDROP, and disrespected him.

MONEY&SEX was originally SIXTYNINE's jump-off. But for some reason, I decided to violate the rule. The rule is that I do not, EVER, hook up nor do anything more with anybody SIXTYNINE has "touched." But I broke the rule with MONEY&SEX, and I don't even know why. I am not particularly attracted to him, or like him even as a friend. But I did, I hooked up with him, and I gave him all of me, including my virginity. I kind of regret that. I haven't been saving myself under any religious or romantic ideal, but at the same time, I imagined it would carry a lot more significance than it did. And I am disappointed in myself in that it didn't mean that much … I don't know. Although I'd like to think of him in a cursory capacity, he does play an important role in what happened this weekend. But what I can't stand about him is that he CONSTANTLY contacts you. I think I received no less than 20 text messages from this guy in a day (and I had responded to less than half). MONEY&SEX expects you to devote so much time and energy to him, yet he didn't want a relationship. In fact, he told me he wanted something between friendship and an official relationship. What the hell is that? But after two romps with him, I think that I am just about through.

I wanted to feel out MONEY&SEX and see where his head was. He had been constantly texting and sending messages online, that I had come to inventing a few lies just to avoid him. Again, he had caught me on face book chat, and was trying to get me to come to his place. I thought I might stave him off by saying that I was somebody else, and I picked CHOCOLATEDROP, because I could say that he was using my laptop (he doesn't have one), and that I had left my facebook logged in. So, what began as a simple deception ended up with horny MONEY&SEX trying to get CHOCOLATEDROP in his room. He quickly asked to be friends, then quickly friended CHOCOLATEDROP. Somehow, MONEY&SEX managed to get the boy in his room, within the hour, and strangely sent me a text of CHOCOLATEDROP on his bed. I immediately became worried. I felt like I had fated them to end up together, with myself another. No, I didn't think CHOCOLATEDROP was cheap, but I always assume the worst to happen, and I somehow that they might end up as a couple from this chance meeting. MONEY&SEX manages to tell CHOCOLATEDROP many things that I had confided in him with, things about the both of them, and certain sexual activities that had been happening in the past week.

All of these activities and secrets and gossip and revelations that I have seeded, prolonged, revealed and concealed have come full circle and hit me smack dab in my face. I have one friend that accused me of having low moral character and not worthy of his trust. Another that considers me TRASH, and beneath him, another that tried to defend me although he knows I messed all up, and yet another "friend" still calling me about coming OVER TO HIS PLACE. This is my fault. I can't evade that, it did most of this, and without a doubt, I deserve the blame if the situation calls for it. But, I'm interested to see that one of my goals for the year was accomplished. I wanted an intense social experience. And these collective happenings definitely have been, not nearly in the way I would have liked. I have a lot of growing up to do, especially if I want to be somebody that is in the jump-off/booty call/friend with benefits/whatever network. It implies a certain level of discretion and nonchalance about sex that I honestly don't share. I know now that I'm not cut out for all of that, definitely not at this point. I call myself a grown ass man, but I then create situations like this. I create these situations because I am often so afraid of telling people what I really think, and to protect myself from having to. And I end up doubly experiencing the emotions I try to avoid.

Maturity is learned. And so are humility, veracity, and courage. Not courage in any grand sense, but just enough to face the things, the people that you have wronged. Enough to face yourself, and your faults. I still can't really do it. I had to leave the room when confronted about what I had said. I just felt so small, so young. Like the same little boy that I was at Parent Elementary, not the 21, soon-to-be senior at Morehouse. Gosh, where is my head lately?

Mood: Greatly Humbled

Listening: "Another Day" by 4hero

Random Quote: My mother always told me that if you get down with trash, you have to brush it off in order to remain clean (or something) - CHOCOLATEDROP

Response: Wow, really, I am trash now Lady Macbeth?

It’s a Thin Line …

I moved all my stuff out of my dormroom to my cousin's house. I know it's early, but I wanted to get it done earlier. Actually, I can't actually say I'm done, I still have a bunch of clothes and a few things left over in there. Every year I do this, I'm amazed at the amount of stuff I have, especially the amount of clothes. I end up giving or throwing away a lot the stuff. And living on the third floor, it's no easy task to haul all that stuff up and down the stairs lol.

SIXTYNINE was there to help. Carried most of the stuff and helped me unpack at my cousin's house. She had her usual jump-off at the house, so we went upstairs to give them their privacy. So SIXTYNINE and I were just laying the on bed, both on laptops and talking about whatever. And for a brief moment we shared a bit of intimacy that I was unsure about, but I let it happen away. For the past month, my definition of what I think of as friend has gone from concrete to very vague. Apparently for most of my friends, sex and intimacy are not equal; so SIXTYNINE can do everything with another friend and it just means nothing. We are all supposed to forget about it, and move on. Even if I liked the person, or if that person is emotionally unstable, or whatever. It's very confusing, and I can't say I'm comfortable with the fact that every person that I know has had some form of sexual contact with him. Hell, I even experienced him perform an act on somebody else! So, where is the line drawn? I don't what a bunch of friends with benefits, where we share each other and debate and discuss each other's sexual exploits in private. I have to have clearer boundaries in my life. I'm not saying that I wouldn't let a future relationship develop from a current friend, but I would prefer not to follow-up on people that all of my friends have already "had." Yuck.

So, I as lay on my bed, next to somebody more than twice my size, the only combination in our growing set that hasn't hooked up, I can only wonder what he is thinking or expecting. I need friends, and I would like a boyfriend. What I don't need is a bunch of in-betweens. Call me crazy or a prud, but I don't want to share sexual favors with friends. SIXTYNINE is a great friend, dare I say my best friend. I don't want that to be turned into something that would become uncomfortable and unclear. I don't care if the rest of the world is crazy, I assume friends are there to be your sense of security. Again this all points back to my need to branch out and meet more people. Sometimes, I wish I could just skip the b.s. and know whether or not this person is a friend, or a potential bf or whatever. It would makes things a lot easier, but a lot less interesting. I'm did not, nor will I do anything with SIXTYNINE or any of my current friends. New people are another story, but that's only when the both of us are sure and certain on what we want from each other. I'm never sure on where I should draw the line.

Mood: Cool

Listening: "Sober" by Pink

Random Quote: "This is nice, us sitting here. I feel like I could do this as the real thing."

Response: yeah, yeah … just no funny business …

 

Won’t Cost a Penny for These Thoughts …

In less than a week, I will be at home. Away from Atlanta, and classes (THANK YOU!), and the townhouse, and my roommate/cousin, and this life I have fallen into here. Indeed, my friend says that I have a life now, I have business. I don't know exactly what that means. What I have had is a strange level of intimacy with two people I wasn't particularly attracted to, but they seemed to be more in the moment than I was. I have had a serious personal feud with a sophomore, and we still haven't quite reconciled that discussion. I shared a brief, but wonderful kiss with somebody that I never expected to be attracted to, but is more arrested in his development than I could ever be.

I think that I am becoming somewhat more confident in terms of being social, but I still have a long way to go. There is this annoying quality within me that arises constantly: the need to be great. No matter what I do, I feel that I should be the best at it. I felt more than a twinge of jealousy at a freshman I know from LA that was featured in the newspaper's Men of the Year issue. I don't know what. I have never been a part of that group, nor have I done what it takes to be a member. Those people that walk across that campus as if they were God's anointed. They freely dole out those masculine greetings of fist bumps and head nops. They chat with the school president and administrators as naturally as anybody else. Comparing yourself to others is a big problem for me. I could look at anyone else, and see them as having that greener grass than my side of the fence.

I know the work that I have to do as a person. I have to speak up and be heard. I have to strive to meet more people. I have to be assertive and aggressive. My prince ain't coming, I have to be my own prince before I can find another. I mean, I'm 21 years old. I'm still going through some of the b.s. that should have been left in elementary school. I can remember my last day of the 5^th grade. A lot of people in my classes often changed schools after this year, and I remember Artel Smith cried because his friend Ben was leaving the school. In fact, they both cried. Then I ran home and cried in my mother's lap because I knew nobody at that school would cry over me. Perhaps, the better question was why I didn't cry over them, but about them.

I have to write in this damn blog everyday as I had promised myself and let go of all the emotional drama I have been going through the past month.

 

Mood: Bothered

Listening: "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell (Love it!)

Random Quote: "I am going to make you fall in love with me by the end of the year …"

Response: *chuckle* Now, that would be surprising …

Stop and Smell the Roses

This is the hectic part of the semester. Although the weather is warming up, the projects are building up. I have literally so many big things to do that it's doubtful if I can make all of my obligations. Here's a sample of what I have to for this week.

Sociology: First Draft of a 10 page paper

Environmental Law: Write a policy brief on climate change, as well as a presentation on a 56 page case

Speech: a well thought out paper and Persuasive speech

Money and Banking: study to make up for the last two tests

Macroeconomics: Continue to study

City of Atlanta: Just random projects, but it takes a cool 20 minutes to get there

Public Service Institute: Real Estate Development project

Summer Program: Complete the summary of my research outline for the 8 week program

Urban Studies Club: Try to have 3 events in the next WEEK so that we aren't put on probation next year

STUDYING FOR THE GRE AND LSAT (Which I haven't done AT ALL!!!!!!!!!)

Ok, this is just the academic tip, and doesn't account for all the personal and professional things that I would like to do. I need to work out, I need to get to know more of my poli sci teachers for recommendations, I have so many damn things to do it's literally the monkey on my back. I have slacked off for most of semester, and now everything has come to a head. PRIVATEPLAN recommended to me that I take a step back, and stop so hard on myself. Live day by day. It's difficult. Sometimes all I want to do is take a long walk through the park, and relax. Look at the trees, take a deep breath, and become totally aware of everything outside of me. Just sit and be. That idea to me would be HEAVEN.

Mood: Actually, good

Listening: "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro

Random Quote: When you file your taxes remember not to list yourself as a dependent.

Response: ummm … what??

3 Dreams in One

K, so I had a dream that was weird as hell last night. I dreamed that I was at this studio, with Essence Atkins (the sister from Smart Guy). So she was a teacher, and there was a classroom set. But it was like she was a real teacher. First her students are in the classroom, and they are happy because she sent out the bad seeds . Then, for some reason, the kids are gone and essence is with adults. She got a big promotion to work in New York, and the other crew on set are happy for her. But all of a sudden, some thuggish mob guys come in, and decide they have to rape her, because they already raped her sister. They do it, and then she tells her sister, "well, you know I have to do everything you do."

Then, my dad and I were in a car, and these guys were shooting each other on the street. I was in the driver's seat and dad was in the passenger seat. One of them comes up to his window, and I'm like dad get down. I pull him down and I am over him. The guy is pointing the gun into the car like he is really going to shoot. And I'm just thinking, "man, please don't shoot him, don't shoot my dad."

Then, for some reason, I developed a gap between my two front teeth, and lost one tooth on the side, and another loose one, I stopped pretending and just pulled it out. I remember the pain from pulling it out and tasting the bloody stub from where it was. I sent my dad a text about this or something, and took back my earlier promise to never let him look in my mouth. He said "well, thanks much appreciated." I was nervous and angry that I had lost these teeth, because I had always prided myself on them. I went to see some random female dentist, thinking that I had to get all these root canals and false teeth. She was like "You have been eating too much candy, and now you suffer the consequences" or something like that. So I was then looking at myself in the mirror thinking, "DAMN. Ok, so now I have to live with this??"

This was like three mini dreams all rolled into one. I have so much random stuff going through my head, I don't even know where to start in terms of analysis. Just thought I would add that lil' bit of info for ya.

 

Mood: On the way to being awake    

Listening: Looking Through the Eye of a Pig

Random Quote: From dream "Losing teeth is a sign of lost wisdom."

Response: Oh shit …

Spinning out of Control

I have been fighting a battle. I have been armed and on the move, with stealth strategy, the most advanced weapons, and plenty of infantry. My enemy seems to be in retreat, but his weakness only makes me press harder. The enemy is me. I don’t know how I got here, but I have morphed into this emotionless being. Someone that doesn’t respond to or acknowledge anything or anyone. I can’t even muster up the initiative to walk down the hill from the dorm, in the fear that people are judging me. That fear, that paralyzing sense of rejection and hurt. I hide from everyone and push them any because of it. In reality, nobody has ever been close enough to me to actually reject me. It’s a crisis period now, because I am a junior in college. I can count on my HAND the number of people here that I might talk to when I get older. This is my challenge. To see myself as valuable. To see others as valuable. To engage with others confidently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want my clothes to fit me and perfectly accentuate my own personality and style. I want to have strong and lasting friendships. I want to be perceived as fun, accessible and worthy. I want to be a greater catchingupat20.

I went to the California Club meeting after classes today, and it was weird to be with those people again. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of animosity toward black people from my home state and especially my home city. Since I am “new” to the club, I had to stand up and introduce myself. Ok, now I thought I was improving here. I mean, I thought that I had learned how to confidently interact with my peers. But, I was wrong. The worst part is when I said my high school, I said “Brentwood School.” Apparently saying school was just too damn affected and ‘proper,’ because the perennially cool DJ/hipster asshole Kevin ‘Era’ Cox thought it was funny. Granted, I don’t truthfully know why he laughed, but damn, why does somebody always have to get a laugh at my expense. What is the deal with that? The meeting was alright, I mean, I met one person, but it was nothing big. This girl Brittany that goes to Chapman in Orange County. Another girl from home I know was there, as well as the Senator twins.

Renita had come to my meeting at the Leadership building today, and of course she blew them away. She is hands down one of the most intelligent people that I have ever seen. She can go anywhere and talk about anything with such an ease and confidence. She also knows how to work people, and work around them to get her point across. I’m proud to be related to her, but at the same time, I see the more tragic parts of her life. She didn’t get to finish college, has worked at a demanding and thankless job for years, and carried the burden of caring for her aging parents. She is a selfless person, and I admire that about her. But it makes me sad to know that she is not being utilized as the amazing resource of knowledge and positive energy that she is. Maybe that is something I can learn from her as well. I wish I had a bit of the charisma that she has effortlessly.

I feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault that people don’t respond to me. It’s my fault that I have never been a relationship. It’s my fault that I can never truly get close to people. It’s my fault that I feel like an alien to my campus. Ok, so my taking responsibility for that since I am grown man (as my mom so unkindly reminded me on the phone). So what do I do? Where do I start. My style, my confidence level, my organization and time management, my familial relationships, my friendships, my physcial health. It’s daunting to think of it all, and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I think it’s about changing how I think and feel about myself. Ok, that is difficult, and I haven’t given it enough of a try. But perhaps now I will.

Mood: Unsettled
Listening: Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie
Random Quote: catchingupat20, you tried to hide, but you have to do it too.
My Response: I hate intros ...