Sunday, July 12, 2009

It’s Been a Long Time Coming …

It's hard to be grateful. It's much easier for me to be mad. Right now, I'm trying to let it go of all the frustration, anger, discouragement - all the negative feelings that have consumed me for the past two days. Something I haven't quite mastered I guess.

For the past two weeks, I have made a new "Friend." I say because I don't quite know what we are to each other. In June, I was feeling really depressed and bored here, because I didn't know anybody, and the other interns in my program were not really doing it for me at the time. I came to start talking to MONEY&SEX on the phone. A LOT. I mean, I think I talked to him everyday for a while. He can be extremely arrogant and careless in his confidence on the phone – like I don't think he has every truly criticized himself. But anyway, one day we were talking and the conversation got to BGC. He was like "well, if you aren't getting any attention on there, let me 'work' on your account." I easily relented. So he changes around my about me section and most everything else. And but of course, I start getting messages from people. I hate that. Why do I do something and nobody responds at all, then he does it and the attention comes immediately? K

So he boils it down to two people on there. French and d16. French only seems to have a provocative crotch shot with his basketball shorts barely exposing his freshly cropped pubic hair. D16 looks to be a fem (well, at least more than I thought I could be attracted to) kid from the suburbs. With my permission, out of both envy and curiosity, I let him talk to the both of them under my guise. By the end of the night, he has set me up on a date for sex with French and a real date with d16. I was slightly scared at this point. I didn't know anything about French except that he was supposed to be a student at Trinity University, an African immigrant from France, and that he wanted me "between his legs"… So to the shock of MONEY&SEX, I traveled to the NE area of DC, right off Rhode Island, and hung out with this dude in his back bedroom. He was fairly big, but once he was finished he said "well, that was relaxing." And walked me back to the bus stop. I was really confused. I don't know if I was good or bad, and I don't know how I feel about it. I remember he looked very much unlike his pictures on bgc and his eyes looked like he was blazed out for days before that. I'm worried that I will continue to attract the same type of guy. But anyway I did it.

D16 and I have been dating on and off for a few weeks. We're both in demanding programs and don't get to see each other a lot. To me, he is sweet and everytime I think of him it makes me want to smile. He is a strict bottom and considerably more fem than I am, but I enjoy being around him, and he likes me for some strange reason. He can be a little ridiculous in public, I mean, one time we were riding on a crowded red line train and the boy started singing, LOUDLY. I was very embarrassed. We haven't had a lot of chances to be intimate, but through my own convoluted thinking, I brought him up to the office where we fooled around. There was no penetration, but I have a permanent scar on my knee due to rugburn … Another time, we got caught in the rain walking to the train. It was one of those moments that I will always remember, because for the first time I have been able to share that part of myself with someone and it feels great. I love it.

Mood: Alright

Listening: Nothing, I need some new music

Random Quote: "I miss u too" d16

Response: awwww