Books and a Movie

Today, I got up late, and tried to rush out of here to get to the library. I have a side project that I am working on for school, so I wanted to check out a few books on the subjects. I have always liked the library, but it seems like I never really find what I need in there. Sure, they have thousands of great books and stuff, but not what I need necessarily. Instead of the local library, I thought I would try out the Central Library Downtown. It's a really cool building, but it is such a hassle to get there. I should have taken the bus instead of paying $15 to park and sit in traffic for hours to get there and back. And it was a strange experience unto itself. The librarians weren't too helpful, and they always seem to be slightly annoyed or dismayed about something. One did try her best to help me, but only pointed me in the direction of books that were already checked out. NO computers were available, and I saw people using them for everything from looking up porn, to watching Star Wars online. There was a strange smell in parts of it, the same smell I remember from walking through the older parts of New York and Boston (the North End). It's a public place, but still a harrowing experience.

BLACKFRAT called and noticed that I had clicked on "not attending" for a party held tonight by a mutual friend that we went to high school with. I debated on going to the party, because this is something that would have helped me in the long run. Although my first instinct was to brush it off, I knew it would probably be better to go. I have spent so much of my life avoid uncomfortable situations, dodging informal interaction with people, and denying myself a more diverse array of experiences. In the end we didn't go, because I am well below the age requirement, and BLACKFRAT didn't feel like paying $20 for a birthday party. But the next time a situation comes up, I'm not going to shy away as always. I have to participate. The only way I can make these things less weird, is to put myself out there more and more. I know that now, and I'm starting to feel a little more confident about myself in that respect.

Went out to Calendar's and saw 4 Christmas with two friends from elementary school. We have known each other for years and had fun looking at old yearbooks from when we were in 3rd and 4th grade. It was so crazy to see that stuff. This was the typical big city public school. Majority minority, every class had a minimum of 40 students, black top playground, and plenty of bad, foul mouthed kids (myself included). We used to think so much of ourselves, that we knew so much and looked to reaching the 8th grade as some magical boundaries. I saw the 8th graders as the pinacle of adulthood, the big kids, the leaders of the school. There were so many people we lost touch with, so many that have gone on to college, had children, and sadly, a few that didn't make it. That school was a lot of things for me. It really affected the way I view myself in relation to others, and at times was a public nightmare and a private hell. But I also received attention from some caring and wonderful teachers that saw something in me and pushed me to do more.

In a pivotal scene of the movie, Reese Witherspoon's father sat her down and talked to her about honesty. He gave her some quote akin to "the truth will set you free," I wish I could remember exactly what he had said. The words struck a chord with me. I really hate being fake, lying, doing anything that isn't authentic to who I am. Yet, I often find it easily to hide behind appearances, tell people what they want to hear, and try to make myself seem more important.

Mood: Spent
Listening: "Hey Ya!" by Andre 3000

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In His Eyes

Here is the assessment that my friend did of me.

After meeting Catchingupat20 in a very strange setting, I found myself drawn to him for a host a reasons. After realizing that this young man was not the typical ATL trash, I decided to finally unveil that I, too majored in (BlANK). After hearing about Catchingupat20's desires and past summer experiences at MIT, I knew he was destined for not just greatness, but supreme excellence. A few conversations eventually allowed both Catchingupat20 and I to open up and exchange more freely our thoughts and ideas about each other, life, religion, politics, social issues, etc. Although we have a significant age difference, I value Catchingupat20's opinion (although sometimes a bit "rogue" in nature...) and look forward to having Catchingupat20 in my life for years to come.

When I first met Catchingupat20 it person, it became immediately clear to me that this young man was searching for something very deep. I could tell that Catchingupat20 was shut out, mainly by his own actions, from the joy of having an abundant and "full" collegiate experience...probably because he felt as if he did not fit in. I could tell that Catchingupat20 was a simple guy in terms of clothing selections, etc...but this did not mean he was unkept or unattractive. This self-imposed banishment has caused Catchingupat20 to feel as if he was a social outcast, when indeed, Catchingupat20 has not given his personal desires a chance to flourish and grow (as his academic success has). It probably doesnt help that Catchingupat20 sees himself as unattractive, unavailable, unwilling and non-committal to the "human" side of life. As a result, this man chooses to live a life that's extremely "robotic" in nature...reacting to personal issues only when absolutely necessary. This is no way to live.

It doesnt help that this young man already felt this way throughout his adolescent years, and now, these same issues are plaguing him in present-time. I also saw someone who was very sad deep down inside, and yearning to be accepted by the majority (what Catchingupat20 doesnt realize yet...and wont until years later, is that being accepted by the masses @ Morehouse at this day and age is probably NOT a good thing). I do not want him to suffer the consequences of not having a sounding board or guide to avoid years and years of unnecessary heartache. Therefore, I felt the need to intervene and assist this man in not choosing the rough side of the mountain. Its so obvious that Catchingupat20 is going to be fine in life- if only he believed this for himself and applied some experimental techniques into his daily routine to "get better" at the things he wants from life.

I want to help Catchingupat20. My prayer is that this brother will heed my advice, learn and listen to others, realize that these are indeed the golden years where its completely ok to try new hairstyles, clothing styles, and things that (safely) strike your fancy...and modify the things that you want, but realize that its completely ok to be just who you are. Catchingupat20 should pray and meditate more and ask God for his divine love; it is only there that Catchingupat20 will be able to receive the full grace he's deserved to live out the "full live" he earnestly seeks.

I see him as a gentleman in the making. Catchingupat20 will need to exercise extreme patience and prove to himself, moreso than others, he is indeed an open individual. Learn to respect the differences and opinions of others- just dont exchange your soul and heart for things that are not true representatives of yourself. Catchingupat20 guards himself by hiding from the world and not sharing the joys of his personality and outspoken nature. He also views similar to "Steve Urkel" (a nerdy kinda character----what Catchingupat20 doesnt realize is that Steve also turned in STEPHAN....Catchingupat20 has so much potential to turn into a STEPHAN like character...once he defines what is comfortable and fitting for him). Everyone who has come into contact with Catchingupat20 knows he's a scholar; there is no need to fine tune this attribute or prove yourself. Your thirst for academics and quest for excellence is evident and you dont have to say a word about it. Catchingupat20 needs to MAINTAIN his scholarly ways, but exert the same level of energy and persistence from his academic success into remedying his own personal flaws and desires.

I am confident Catchingupat20 will succeed- but he must realize that you only live once. Restraining one's self is no way to live life....we must live each day as if it were our last. As black men, we must also realize that no one, including those who look like we do, is going to give us anything. That includes hoping/wishing/praying for friends to find you. You must define what you want, and you must go for it with God's love at your side. As the great Benjamin Mays once said, "Low aim, not failure, is sin".

 

I felt bad that I hadn't put quite as much into my assessment of him. As he describes me as sometimes "robotic," I wrote a much more impartial assessment of him, borderline ruthless. I wasn't trying to be mean or deliberately hurt his feelings, but he said I assessed him like a "cold, IRS agent would audit a business." Ouch. Well, I did it to the best of my ability :)

I agree with many of the points he made concerning the lack of self confidence and inhibition from new experiences. I don't know where that rogue comment came from, I am if anything, cautious, especially in talking to other people about themselves. I feel like he was projecting some of his own qualities back onto me. For his privacy, I left out a large part of this where he talked about his own dark experiences in the past, and he has had a very unique experience. My own life aside, I am grateful that I did not have to go through many of the things that he did, and partially jealous for the same reasons. Often, the age gap between us makes it hard for me to really evaluate him, yet I generally feel more comfortable talking to him than people in my own cohort or whatever. That has always been the case for me. I can play and get along with kids, I can converse fine with adults, but I cower around people my own age. I don't know why that is. I was the only cousin born in my age group in the family (between 1985 and 1991, I was the baby), so I had to learn to get along with people older and younger than I am.

The weather in LA has been disappointing lately. This week it has been rainier and COLDER than Atlanta's winter, and now my cousin, OLDGIRL, tells me that it is in the low 70s out there. Weird twist of fate I guess. She is going to be coming out here soon and I have to figure out what to get her for Christmas (I pulled her name in the family's Secret Santa). She loves Betty Boop stuff, so I will probably get her a purse with the cartoon insignia or something cool Downtown. She has been talking about mounting her guitar, and since I leave to go back before she does, I could stop by Lowe's and get some slats to put in on the wall. For PRIVATEPLAN, I think I will get a joke gift, like a certificate to Victoria Secret or something haha. For BIGGIERICH, I am getting him a one month membership to a wine of the month club. Everybody else I already have covered.

Positivity. It's a frame of mind. It's so easy to drift and wallow in cynicism and sarcasm, that I don't even know how to be happy. I think PRIVATEPLAN hit the mark in his assessment that I need to figure out what exactly I want: from myself, from others, from life. I read something today that asked, what idea/force/thing makes you get up in the morning? I think the fact that at school, I often had trouble getting up is proof enough on this one. I just don't know. Questions about life purpose stop me right in my tracks. Of course, I love cities, I love architecture, I love urban design and development. I love my family, and have made a handful of friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have to admit that none of that really excites me enough for me to swear by it as my wake up in the morning, life's purpose. I got up today, just to eat some of my mom's pancakes and walk her little dog. Baby steps. I'll make progress from there. Paso a paso, se va lejos.

Mood: Impatiently waiting for nothing at all
Listening: "My Babe" by Columbus Short playing Little Walter
Random Quote: "Yeah, Mr. Williams always asks about what Little Denzel is doing..." - Dad
My Response: Oh gosh, I don't really know about that. And if I could blush right now, I would /:-)

Home Again

My friend and I are doing assessments of each other, so I thought I would post mine here.

"Catchingupat20 is a short, Black guy with a large forehead and somewhat large but sleepy eyes. He has issues with his height, and generally has difficulty in establishing relationships with people. His viewpoint on life is marked by cynicism, lack of focus, and self denial.  He has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates him and inhibits his readiness to give himself freely. While Catchingupat20 wants to surrender and let himself go, he regards this idea as a weakness which must be resisted. Self-restraint, he feels, will lift him above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality. He has a complicated, but selfish and conceited view of himself in the world. Although he wants to connect and converse with the people that he deems to be worthy (attractive, intelligent, ambitious), he does not feel confident enough in himself to do so. He holds onto the fantasy that people will magically seek him out and things that he wants will fall into place, but in reality attempts to put on a façade of melancholy and disappointment. Catchingupat20 is egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. He is very sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. He is prone to intense jealousy of others, and has difficulty in celebrating the success of others. He has few close friends, and rarely allows people get close to him. He tries to remain as neutral as possible. Often his sense of ego makes him irritable and intolerant of others.

Catchingupat20 has an unstable personality that varies from angry to sullen. He is not often visibly happy, and when he is, it is a fleeting experience. He is extremely neurotic and highly introspective to the point that he could exist for days at a time without speaking to another person. He sticks obstinately to his own point of view in the belief that this proves his independence and self-determination.  Often he is in a strained state of trying to calm down and unwind after periods of over-agitation which leave him listless and devoid of energy. He is constantly in search of peace and quiet, and becomes irritable if this is denied him. Catchingupat20 is very exacting in his emotional demands, especially during moments of intimacy, and is often left frustrated in his desire for perfection in relationships with friends and partners. Catchingupat20defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or opposition.

Due to his small size and athletic ineptitude, Catchingupat20 has a negative view of his own masculinity. He often feels inadequate in terms of height, strength, and stamina. Physically, he does not have much appealing characteristics. He has a goofy face, strange build, unattractive scars on his face and hands. 

Focus for Improvement:

Sociability: Willingness to talk to new people, begin and sustain conversation, carry more positive outlook and demeanor

Health & Fitness: Increase fitness level to remain competitive, play sports

Personal Development: Develop a personal style –dress, conversation, and opinion, stay focused on important tasks."

 
 

I have been back in LA for three days now, and things are alright so far. My parents have been hit pretty hard by the economy, especially when my Dad is hiding bankruptcy forms from my Mom in my old room and she has also made the decision not to decorate the house this year, put up a tree or buy any new Christmas CD's. This dearth of Christmas spirit seems to be pervasive everywhere I go. Maybe it's the economy or other issues, but I don't feel the energy or the warmth from other people that you usually feel during the holidays. I can't even remember the last time I wished somebody a happy holidays or vice versa. I'm going to start saying it now, and being sincere about it.

Every year I come back home from college, my relationship with my parents gets stranger. Technically, I am 'grown,' but I can't really admit to this since I am financially dependent on them. My Dad pays half of my rent, and my Mom pays my cell phone. I try not to ask them for money; most major purchases that I have to make (airline tickets, new computer, tires for the car), I make on my own. Luckily, I do have a job with a very generous boss and also have scholarship renewals that have sustained me, but I am not truly independent. Although I would like to think that they would not do this, I have to consider what life would be like were I to be cut off. If I tell my parents the truth, I don't know how they would take it at this point. I have to be prepared with what I would do if I was financially independent. I definitely don't think they would kick me out of the house or worse, but I know they won't be pleased. As an only child and son, whose father is a first born son, whose grandfather is a first born son, legacies have an unspoken performance. My father is also in competition with his younger brother, who has FOUR sons, and I sense that he is banking on my having grandchildren, for my uncle will unquestionably have them.

We are in a weird place, because we both are getting older, and I have to learn to change the context in which I see them. Although this is my 'home,' it is not my house anymore. It is my parents' house. As I have gotten older, they have become less imposing and more human to me. I used to see my Dad as this hard-working, steadfast, intelligent man that was passionate, opinionated, and independent. But I now see his faults glaring up at me, from being lax on financial matters, to expressing some frighteningly uninformed opinions on issues (he voted yes on Prop. 8, because he believed 2^nd graders were going to have gay marriage in their TEXTBOOKS. I don't even remember them having traditional marriage in them, but whatever …). My Mom was the considerate one, who kept order and stability through a clean house, an open ear, and a dedication to common sense and practicality. Now, I see she is just as emotional, irrational, and imperfect in her views of the world as anyone else. She spends money on frivolous items and refuses to take a close look on things that don't go her way. I love and respect my parents, but maybe this is a part of growing up. Maybe, time away from home is making me smug and more critical of my parents. But maybe for the first time I am seeing them as they really are, with all their strengths and their weaknesses.

At home, I have yet to visit any of my old friends, because well I don't really have any here. Most of the people I still interact with aren't home yet, so for now I am going to focus on creating a workout plan, searching for the perfect internship this summer, working on activities for my extra-curriculars at school, and just going out and spending time in the city. And oh yeah, MEETING PEOPLE, particularly gay people. That's a big thing I need to work on. I have to think positively, and develop a comfort and ease with myself, and with interacting with people that I have just met. I have sworn myself off BGC and Craigslist for the interim, at least until I get to a place where I know that I could survive and build social networks for myself without it.

Milk

So SIXTYNINE and I went to see the movie MILK movie yesterday, at the only theater it seems to be playing at in Metro Atlanta. Before that, we had lunch at the Flying Biscuit and then hung out at the Outwrite bookstore before going to the movie. Yes, I can be very uncreative and picked some very gay-cliché to hang out ha-ha. I had a good time, but I am concerned about 1. SIXTYNINE being the only out person I know, (a bisexual with a girlfriend at that), and 2. Being his weekly gay thrill. SIXTYNINE and I have a complicated friendship to say the least. He is the only person I know that is open and honest about his sexuality, beyond that he has always had an open ear to all of my problems. But we joke that he is the Teflon Bi, because nobody seems to remember or take seriously that he is. It doesn't help that he is 6'9'', and I think that people can't get over his height when they initially meet him. I haven't either. Maybe people just cannot see a person that tall as being gay?I think that everyone has a defining THING that people associate with them by default. I don't know what mine is, perhaps serious or sad. But for him it is his height, because he towers over everyone.

I need to meet some more people, outside of the internet, my own age, and at the same time confident and open about who they are. SIXTYNINE can't be the only one, because that is not enough for me. Going to whatever is playing at the Midtown Arts Cinema or gaping at the magazines in a gay bookstore is not what I'd call a social life. But whatever ... I'm making progress, I guess?

Milk was amazing. I am usually a very stoic and reserved person, but I may have started crying at the end of the movie. I read some information about the Stonewall riots on Wikipedia, and also saw other information about Harvey Milk in San Francisco, but I had no idea the impact he had on building a liberal, gay-friendly environment in San Francisco, in addition to being a pioneer for gay rights. With movies like this, there is always a danger of glorifying the central character, but I didn't really see that here. Of course, I know there is more to the story that was dramatized or left out of the film, but I think that it more than lived up to it's purpose. Sean Penn carried a sense of unease and desire within his portrayal of Milk that made his character less martyr-like, and more human. In less than ten years, he official came out, sacrificed two people that he loved (indirectly), gave momentum to a larger gay rights movement, and essentially gave his life so that others like him could live without restraint. It was really deep for me to consider after the film my personal views on being "out". It almost made me wanted to be become an activist.

As a young gay male, I haven't been pulling my weight in terms of integrating my sexuality into the rest of my life. I have been thinking about coming out to my family, because I hate fielding the questions about girlfriends, and the macho suggestive comments from male family members that "if you aren't getting enough, it will fall off" and that I should be describing every detail of my sexual exploits to them. Honestly, even if I was straight, that's my business. It's ok to broadcast your heterosexuality, whether it's pictures of girlfriend on your online account, or a daily discussion on whether or you would fuck a bitch that your friend (Unfortunately cafeteria discussion I had to endure at lunch). I've seen and heard it all here at Morehouse College concerning homophobia. I understand that in this all male environment, students feel the need to put their masculine energy into overdrive. But most of the time it looks silly, and becomes downright oppressive. I have to listen to your BS all day, but I get a dirty look if I verbally admit that I find a man attractive? Back to the main point, I don't know how I would come out to the family. The brave thing to do would be to tell everyone at Christmas, all at the same time. The thing I worry about is not even being hated or discredited, but not being able to defend myself. What would I counter their objections, their criticism with? How would I respond in a way that is adequate enough for them to understand that this is not a phase, and that I still deserve to be loved and respected as a member of the family? I don't know, sometimes I want to simply write a letter to everybody and leave it at that.

I have four finals to study for, pack to go home, and I'm starting my workout regime for the umpteenth time. There are a lot of things that I want and need to do; hopefully I will be able to get them done. I've been doing a very bad with these daily reflections, and this is the second time that I have had to recommit, but I will this time around. Christmas is coming.

Mood: Eager
Listening: "California Soul" by Marlena Shaw

I Thought I Knew You

I leave to go back to LA a week from tomorrow, and I have no idea what I'm going to do at home. I do want to see my family, and visit some familiar places, but outside of that, there is nothing there for me. For the longest time I never really felt connected to anybody or anything there. I went to a high school that was in the middle of the most superficial and overhyped section of the city, the Westside. My classmates were the children of high powered doctors, lawyers, executives and producers. They were cool enough, and I can honestly say that nobody made my time there particularly difficult, but looking back I don't know how much I got out of going to school there. I was dealing with my own issues concerning sexuality and masculinity, and I think these issues made defining and identifying myself with anything at the time extremely difficult. Worse (or better) yet, the school had no real cliques. I mean, there was a clear social hierarchy and people had certain friends they spent the most time with, but I seemed to just exist outside of that. The few people I did identify myself, I still shielded myself from. I was afraid of people thinking that I was gay, or just boring. Although they probably wouldn't have cared about the first, the second seemed to be plainly obvious to me.

I can remember going off campus to play tennis one time with two friends. Later, we had planned on going to hang out at his house. The courts were just down the street from campus, and I had brought out my old racket to play a few sets after school. When we started playing, I couldn't return the ball. As I missed ball after ball, this great sense of anxiety began to grow within me, and it must have been obvious because my friend eventually said "Listen dude, you could just go back to campus and hang out while (Blank) and I finish up the game." And I do what I naturally do in a situation where my sense of inadequacy turns into intense social discomfort, I lied. I faked a phone call from my mom, and said I had to go back to catch the bus home. They didn't seem to think much of it, but I was so ready to get out of there. Looking back, that was such a minor situation, but it strained and separated me from really becoming friends with the both of them, at least in my mind. It's amazing how the smallest thing affected me then. I should have been about to just shrug it off and chill out. But more often than not, I find myself to be rebuffed, sabotaging myself with blind eyes.

So, yesterday, as I went to classes tired as hell from being awake all night thanks to OLDGIRL's new bird (yeah, she has no money for gas, but enough for ANIMALS), I had to think about how fast this semester, and college are going. I feel that freshman year was far away, but it really wasn't, just 2 years ago. 2 years ago I arrived at this school pissed at the world and frustrated with myself. I had my laptop stolen, gotten lost in a somewhat unsafe area, been ridiculed by my RA, spent a harrowing month on the dorm step team, and survived as a first-year biology major. My question was what do I have to show for it? I see many of the friends and familiar faces from then, and I can tell how much they have changed. They have grown up, done more than I have, and grown more into the people they will be. Can I say the same for myself? Do I see the same positive changes for me? I don't know, but I have to remain optimistic and hope for the best.

I was talking to PRIVATEPLAN over the phone this weekend, and the things he had said were just almost too heavy for me. He talked about his experience "In the Life" and how they have made him bitter, cold and sardonic, and generally depressed about his life and chances of meeting a life partner. In his voice, I could hear his discouragement and desperation. He said that he was no longer himself, lost some of the jovial and better parts of himself that he used to know. I was shocked and saddened to hear him say that he even contemplated ending it all. He said that he only looked for people that he could control; those who may be physically attractive, but emotionally immature, so that he could cut them out of his life before they hurt him. I don't know how qualified I was to respond to his own hurt and experience, but I tried too. I look up to him, like a big brother than I never had. To hear him say some of these things is disheartening to be sure, and makes me afraid about what is out there for me. I know that we are two very different people, especially in that he was a lot more 'active' than I at this age. But I feel that we are alike in certain ways, and I am worried about him. To hear somebody you admire admit their personal issues is hard to take, but I have to realize that he is human. Just because somebody in everyday life exudes a sense of confidence and calm, doesn't mean they aren't dealing with their own problems. Maybe something I said was adequate enough to elicit a response from him, but at this point I just don't know.

The people and things that I thought I was familiar with, I find that I am not. I was watching an episode of Home Improvement, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas had returned home from a trip to Costa Rica to find out that life at home did not cease while he was gone. All of a sudden, he found things had changed to a level of unfamiliarity that made him feel separated from the rest of his family. As I get older, and spend more and more time away from the life that defined me for 18 years, I feel like Jonathan. I know that it's important for me to retain connections to family and friends at home, because they are people that I care about vice versa. These people and experiences shape who I am and will continue to do so. But I so easily block out, separate and isolate myself from others, that I just don't know how to hold the connection together. For now, I'm going to focus on studying for finals and getting an internship for next semester and summer. LA in a week, and it's cold THERE to.

Mood: Listless
Listening: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga

A PENN Thanksgiving

One of the stipulations I made to myself in starting these reflections was to write a weekly, monthly, and eventually yearly review, based on daily writing. I can barely commit to writing daily, but I will try. I have a good amount of work coming up for the end of the semester, and I need to focus on that. But at the same time, I want to actually write something here everyday. I'm going to try it for this week, starting today. Hopefully this works out.

I spent Thanksgiving with my friends BLACKFRAT and ABERCROMBIE for Thanksgiving. BLACKFRAT goes to the business school at Wharton and ABERCROMBIE is an engineering major at Lehigh. BLACKFRAT is a member of a majority white fraternity, with an amazing house in West Philadelphia. As much as he complains about his brothers, I don't see how he could. Full service kitchen with deep-freeze refrigerators, 8 burner stove and island, 50in flat screen in the living room, full basement with another 50 inch and bathroom, and their rooms are too great to describe here. Of course, he is paying about 1800 a month, which I'm told is a deal? (Thank God for my SCHOLARSHIP) But anyway, the three of us have been friends since high school, and they are both straight and had no issues when I came out to them. We prepared and ate dinner with some of BLACKFRAT's brothers and friends from school. For the rest of the weekend, we did work, chilled, saw a movie, had some drinks, and reminisced about high school and how things are different now. It's weird to me to think that in a year, BLACKFRAT won't be in college and will have a real job, ABERCROMBIE and I will be seniors getting ready for graduate school. I remember when none of us could drive and now I hear BLACKFRAT talking about buying a house. We are sooo old.

Thinking about my friendships with BLACKFRAT and ABERCROMBIE makes me think about the different context I have in terms of my relationship with them. Before, I would uncomfortably join in their revelry of talking about what girl was fine or issues in their relationships. I learned ways to dodge questions about who I was interested in, I had come to sort of "desex" myself, if there is such a word. Not only with these two friends, but in general, I tend to never talk about any of my physical or sexual attractions, and I know that that is a problem. For most of my life so far, I come to realize that I am not the most attractive or appealing person. I am not tall, I don't have 'swag', I have a relatively high voice, I am not very athletic. I have to concede these things to fate; I did not luck out here at all. When people compare me to things, I have gotten the gambit from preacher to encyclopedia brown to professor to "gay in spirit" to marrying type. None of these things are very sexy or exciting, definitely not in my opinion. At a young age I told myself that I would have to be used to the idea that I might not find somebody, because nobody ever sees me in a physical or sexual context. I never wanted to be some big ho or playa, but it would be nice to feel wanted. It starts with me. If I don't think of myself as appealing, I can't expect any else to.

In the spirit of the holiday, I did take some time to think about what I am grateful for. I was happy to be about to have kept two very good friends and to be able to afford to travel and spend Thanksgiving with them. I was (and still am) grateful for my scholarship, that allows me not to have to worry about money as much as most college students do. I have met an incredible select group of people throughout my wanderings through craigslist and the like who have not written me off as boring or tried to take advantage of me, but seem to have taken a genuine interest in me and value my opinion. I am grateful that I have my family, and that they continue to put up with me no matter how much I try to pull away from them. I am also thankful to be me, that is, I appreciate that I am the person that I am. I am learning to appreciate all sides of myself, my sarcasm, silliness, stubbornness, curiosity, all the negative and positive parts that make me me.

Mood: Anxious
Listening: "Shattered" by O.A.R.

Stop Before you Begin

I'm sitting here in the library, at the beginning of the end of the semester, and I realize that I am at a new point in my life. I came out to myself, just last year, a few days after my birthday, and I can say that I am in very different place personally, socially and emotionally than I was at the same time last year. I am trying to understand what it means for me to be gay – everything from sex, to dating, to friendship, to intimacy, and it is really challenging to figure out how I should make it work. Should I be out and proud, wearing a t-shirt that was sperm dumpster and sport the rainbow on the back of my car. Should I hold back, understanding that many people around and close to me will not appreciate this side of myself? Should I be having a "ho-phase," and get that nightclub, partying, sex experience that I have not taken part, unlike my straight peers? Or should I look to be in a stable relationship, and try to find somebody to build something with, despite all the cynical but often true stereotypes about gay men, particularly black gay men?

There's a lot of things I will eventually have to step back and examine, but I feel good. I'm not great, I'm still going through the same issues with my own shyness, self-absorption and anger/anxiety. I still have very little patience for others. I still let my anger get the best of me at times. Sometimes, I feel a great anxiety within myself, and sometimes I feel nothing. All I know is that I am changing, growing in to the person that I am going to be.

I had a very interesting encounter with SIXTYNINE and of his favorite closet cases (but definitely not one of mine), and I'll call him FANCYSLIM. FANCYSLIM is as the name suggests, a slightly more effeminate, but intensely smart gay man that is clinically in the closet. And when I say this I mean that he has a mental issue with his homosexuality that goes beyond anything I could understand. He is about 6'3'', dresses well, and takes himself very seriously. One thing about him is that he thinks that he is so very deft at being DL, but he is so conspicuously gay, that I find it hard to believe that he thinks others really think he is straight. I'd call it delusion, but who am I to judge? So early this morning, I was talking in my room with SIXTYNINE, and FANCYSLIM just barges in, demanding that "We need to talk." Now, he has a reputation for his large endowment (as SIXTYNINE has told me from experience *eyeroll*, too much information). His saying we need to talk is code for "I want to dominate you in all ways." Personally I never liked him much before, so now, I'm a little insulted that he thinks that I should bow to him that easy. SIXTYNINE picks up on what is going on, and tries to leave the room, then our other, straight friend enters the room, and the conversation gets real weird. FANCYSLIM gets kind of sassy, and then starts sending me texts about "getting these other dudes out the room so we can talk." And I'm texting SIXTYNINE saying, "get this nigga out of my room!" So, apart from surface conversation the four of us where having, SIXTYNINE, FANCYSLIM and myself were texting each other back and forth in some weird sexual mediation. I felt so uncomfortable, like FANCYSLIM might try something bold if the other guys left, and I would not be about to handle that at this point. And the funny thing about all of this is that the straight guy didn't pick up on any of this. He just RELAXING. Oh, what ignorant bliss. I finally managed to get him out the room, and he tells me "We're done." I'm like, uhh we never got started, and never will, not in this lifetime.

I understand that it is hard to be gay, but I am so tired of the level of immaturity among the people of my age bracket. I'm not the most mature person to be sure; I can be as shallow and callous as the worst of them. But what I do not want to be is messy. Getting involved with FANCYSLIM would be messy, considering his own personal record, and my lack of one. I definitely can't have my first be with somebody like him. First, there's no physical attraction, and second, I really don't like his personality. He only calls when he is drunk and horny, and only uses you to his own advantage. The more I have come to learn from him and others that I have been talking to, the more I realize that there are a lot more gay men than I assumed, and that they, or we all have issues. Life is complicated, people have problems with themselves that they grapple with. I don't want my sexuality to be something that is so hidden and repressed that I only allow to surface when I drunk call people in my dorm to get off. If that makes me lame or less of a man for my low sexual appetite, then fine. I'll take the title. Are their times when I get that feeling of wanting a man so bad that I can't even sleep at night or focus in class, YES. But, I simply try to err on the side of caution, especially in not wanting to make my life complicated for the wrong reasons. I would just like to share my first time with somebody with confidence, compassion, and a mutual sense of physical and emotion attraction. I'm honestly really afraid of being bad or not getting the other person's approval. A sexual teacher? Mmmm … well, that sounds crazy, but, yeah might be nice …

A skewed perspective

Although I am California born and bred, I am loving the cold weather. The colors changing in the trees, and the brisk chill in the air make me feel energized. Of course, I am also remembering the hot and humid oppression that I endured in New York, Boston, and Atlanta this summer, so I am embracing the fall and winter weather. I'm heading to Philadelphia to visit friends at UPenn for Thanksgiving. I'm not looking forward to being in a much colder place. Apparently my friend plans to set me up with one of his frat brothers (eyeroll haha), so I'll see how that goes ...

SIXTYNINE texted me saying he missed his bud, so we out to get something to eat. I'm still furious with him, but I am learning to bit my tongue on this things. He's been there for me numerous times in the past, so the least I can do is hear him out and spend some time. I did make friends and interpersonal relationships a priority on my Mission Statement, after all. He is one of the first people I came out to and I do have a certain comfort level with him. I just have to spend some time AWAY from him every once in a while, so he doesn't drive me insane.

His whole thing seems to be, yet again, trying to boost my confidence and telling me that sex is the answer. Now I just zone him out on those things, and not discuss that with him. I can't get mad at his opinion. Would I mind something right about now, NO haha. But, I'm not going to become another DL cruiser, the AUC is already full of those. When he asked what I was looking for in a guy, I said: cool, funny, confident, taller than me, smart, ambitious, and different. Then he says "Oh, so see you are a narcissist dater. You want somebody exactly like yourself. You need to realize that you are just fine and ..." he went on and on. Dude, whatever. Psychology majors, they always have the answer to all of your problems, but barely have their own stuff together.

Mr. BIGGIERICH is at some conference in Oregon, and I'm been talking to him about his trip and stuff. Recently, I think I've been getting a vibe from him that he is interested, but he is so guarded and quiet about his emotions that I could be wrong. I joked with him about his finding a mountain man or the Brawny man to bring back to Atlanta, and he laughed along with it, and suggested I should come with him next time. Mmmm ... which is interesting, because he generally acts nonchalant towards me face-to-face, but over the phone, he is basically a big flirt. He'll make sly little comments, and make sure I have to come to his office before I see the boss. For some reason, he left me a voicemail with the number to the hotel and his room number. Things that make you go Mmmm...

I reactivated my long dead BGC account, and again I have just about given up on the whole online thing. I don't know if my profile is too boring, or I am too picky, but either way, I get no love on there. I try to send messages with genuine questions and anything more that the proverbial "wat's gud" but I am rebuffed yet again. I explicitly make it clear that I am not looking for sex, mainly friends and I am open to more. But I realize that BGC is a culture all it's own. There are the profiles of guys who just want to get the most votes for Sexiest Mixed or Best Thug, the dick/ass out shots that have obivious goals, the pretty bois that want attention from those they deem worthy, and a lot of variation in between. Rejection here is easier than in real life to be sure, but still hard.

Mood: Good
Listening: "It's Over" by John Legend
Random Quote: "You are so cute. How old are you? I just want to pinch your cheek" - random chick from Emory
My Response: Ok, I'm 20, and I have a 5 o'clock shadow. How young could I really look?

Chill Day

I really love fall in Atlanta. It doesn't get as cold here as it does in most other places in the country, the sun is still shining most days, and you can get the winter feel without the snow. Even today, the wind was whipping outside and I loved it. Even as my RA dragged half the dorm out the building for a fire drill and tried to give us residents some holier than thou lecture about the importance of safety and attending meetings. Ok, my RA is too gay to function, and it is hilarious to me when I see him try to take this authoritative, masculine tone. Not that a gay person can't do these things, but still, you have to see the guy. He is short, with that snake-like look akin to Miguel Nunez (from Sparks and Sparks and Harlem Knights), and wears the perpetual earring. But after the meeting I stayed in the room and took some much needed blogging time.

Going back in the dorm, I am thinking about my relationship with SIXTYNINE. We are fairly good friends, but sometimes he angers me to the point that I can't see to look at him. Although I have my own issues about bisexuality, I just often find myself at odds with him on most things. Selfish as it is, I don't think I get anything out of the friendship and vice versa. Although SIXTYNINE is much more open about his sexuality, in truth his sexuality is secondary to his personality. He is personably, amiable and charming, and has other characteristics that make him hard not to notice. The issue for me is that his personality and his opinion are just too overbearing for me right now. I don't need somebody telling me what they think I need and what I should be doing. I'm tired of hearing that the answer to all my problems is sex, and I am tired of being your secondary friend. I hate that. I'm not demanding of others, if I were I wouldn't call myself lonely. I just need to feel that my friends genuinely respect me, and that we share certain things in common. I don't laugh with SIXTYNINE, and a lot of the time I feel that our conversations are strained and contrived.

I went back to the house, where I found OLDGIRL cleaning up, and I went upstairs and fell straight asleep. My sleeping schedule has been kind of whacked lately, some days I sleep for 4 hours and some days for 8, and I know it's probably wrecking havoc on my body. I haven't been eating right or working out, so I have to get back on track in terms of my goals for my body. This last week was so crazy for me that I am just glad to get the chance to rest and reflect. I realize now that there is so much more that I need to be doing, there is so much in terms of classes, grad school, THE GRE, my social life, my health, club responsibilities. It's a lot to keep track of. If I want to make these changes and develop something, it starts with me. So, I'll go reread my personal statement, correct all the grammatical mistakes, and tell myself that I will live by it.

Mood: Spaced Out
Listening: The random NewNowNext stuff on LOGO
Random Quote:
My Response:

Get Real

One thing that I need to wean myself off of is texting. I tend to text A LOT, at least 60+ messages a day. I'm been texting PRIVATEPLAN as well as BIGGIERICH a lot, and the strange conversations we have on there is clue enough for me that it's not a good thing. It's too easy to be misinterpreted, cut out of the conversation, and be braver in your comments. Depending on the people I am with, I tend to be pretty reserved (or, at least I'd to think of myself that way) in terms of face-to-face interactions. But through text messaging or IM, that's a whole other story. I get really sarcastic and mean. I say things I wouldn't say in public or in private because I get this feeling of anonymity, even though all the people I text with I know.
In the week, I began to realize that a lot of the things I do are unneccesary and really unhelpful in the long run. "Shoot myself in the foot, then try to run a marathon" is what my dad always tells me. One of those things is false hope. No, I'm not talking about hope in the grand sense, but just in terms of men. Atlanta is full of attractive black men, gay, straight and everything in between. My issue is that the childish, fickle part of myself holds this strange hope that some fine man will sweep me off my feet and be everything that I think I need. Anytime I see a man that I am attracted to, I feel that nervous excitement. I try not to be obvious and make an ass out of myself. But that's bad. I have to realize that if you want something to happen, be it just sex for the night or a longterm relationship, you have to put out to the world you want that, and go for it. It will never come to you. I also realize that not every man is gay or sgl, and even then, there's no guarentee they are interested in me.. It's hard to do this, considering where I go to school, and the city I'm in, but I have to try. It's not realistic or healthy for me to hope for something that may never happen. I want to believe in the Secret and get what I desire, no what I DESERVE, but i have to be prepared if that doesn't happen.
So yesterday was pretty uneventful. I was running around trying to get registration straight for next year, and of course I had a few problems. I was able to FINALLY pick up my checks for work, and got to hang with BIGGIERICH for a bit. I'm starting to really admire in the sense of what he has done for himself. Basically he finished school by himself, and starting buying property through saving his own money. The man works 50 jobs, and goes to school and is Mr. GOP (more on that later ...). I hope to be like that when I get older. Financial security is important, but most people in my career track are exactly breaking the bank, unless they go into politics, work for a university, or get popular when they are extremely old. So, for now, I'm not focused on getting a man. I've gone this far without one (that is both good and bad, mostly bad), so I will forge ahead, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Mood: Ready to Work
Listening: "St. Thomas" by Sonny Rollins
Random Quote: "Alonely Negro is mean spirited, sardonic, and ... eats babies
My Response: Maybe the first two, but that last one is sketchy. I like kids, but not that much ...

My Personal Mission Statement

I wrote my personal mission statement, and am putting it here for safe keeping.

• I will take charge of my own life and personal development, by taking the time to understand and learn about myself and my place within my family, friends, community and world.
  
• I control the source of my identity, and live based on the moral and spiritual center of my own determination that develops and shapes my view of the world. I will refrain from being judgmental of the values and opinions of others, and confidently adhere to my own.
  
• I value my health. I will exercise, seek proper nutrition, and maintain my physical, social and mental health through my daily activities. I hold a healthy image of my personality, my body, and my attractiveness. I will also improve upon all three and connect with others that also value and shine in these areas.
  
• I put my education, career and intellectual development as the most important goal and aspect of my life. I will be a devoted student, writer, thinker, researcher, designer, artist, and scholar that is always thinking in new and different ways to ask better questions, create better solutions and bridge connections between disparate issues.
  
• I will be committed and interested in my family, through keeping in contact, promoting their positive and healthy well-being, and provide them with the love, respect and support that they give to me.
  
• I place emphasis on interpersonal relationships and skills. I will value my friendships, and give my friends love, respect and support, and nurture my social networks (school, work, community, gay, religious)
  
• I maintain a sense of civic duty through service, and take responsibility to be involved in my community.
  
• I practice a system of positive productivity, where I am able to accomplish my daily tasks and goals, maintain commitments to myself and others, and seek out environments that enhance my sense of purpose and general well-being.
  
• I live for my goals. I set high aspirations for myself, and seek out situations, people, and experiences that match and heighten my own ambition.
  
• I will maintain a daily record, with overviews every week, month, season and year, as a way of keeping a close and thoughtful introspection on my life.
  
• I will see myself as an interesting and valuable individual that is complex, varied, but still empathetic to others. I will continue to make efforts to connect with people and foster strong friendships and social networks
• I do not shy away from hard work, but at the same time understand how to work efficiently. I accept new challenges from people and situations, and gain a greater understanding from each outcome for the future.
• I remain grateful for everything I have received and anticipate the good things that will come in the future. I understand and deserve the fortunate position I find myself.
  
• I retain the qualities of a precocious college student. I remain curious, ask questions, keep an open mind, and always continue to learn.
  
• I will laugh, seek out enjoyment, and share good feelings with others everyday.
  
• I will simplify my life and make efforts to keep track of the daily requirements and maintenance of my responsibilities.
  
• I will forgive myself and others for negative experiences of the past, but I won't forget them. I will learn and understand my own past emotional pain, and use those memories to propel and not hinder my personal development
  
• I will love myself, my family, partner, friends, community, culture, nation, and life
  

  
  

Quickie day

So Monday my biggest thing is that I have decided I'm going to actively pursue a bf. Honestly, I want somebody in my corner, and somebody that I can go out with and have fun with and vice versa. I want somebody to value my opinion and whose opinion I value. My biggest thing is I want a guy with big arms to cuddle with, man do I need some of that right now!!

I know I really dropped the ball with the UST club, and that's my own fault. I didn't call people and I seemed to lose my enthusiasm for it, I really never had it to begin with. The problem is that I assume this leadership position and I don't really feel like anybody else in the group is really trying to do anything, at all. I hate that feeling, and I hate that lately I have been real listless and unenergetic about everything. I need that fire, that energy. I need to bring Monty back.

So, OLDGIRL's attention starved dog peed in the carpet yet AGAIN, so I gotta to clean that up before I leave. I'm starting to really hate that dog.

But good things today are that I plan to write a plan of goals for myself and follow the tenets of the Secret haha. If ever I allow myself to actually write them out haha.

I just need to calm down, and take everything one step at a time, but when you have a billion things going on, that can be difficult to do.

Mood: Worried about my left foot
Listening: Nothing
Random Quote: none
My Response: nada, I just want to have fun.

Why I Hate the Gym

So today, OLDGIRL is just trying me because I can't come to appreciate her personality and everything she does. She talks a lot, she plays the TV too loud, she doesn't put stuff up, she tries to have the upper hand with me everyday. It's CRAZY. I mean, I knew we weren't compatible to live together, and I told her and my parents this, but they were like"Oh, no. You need to get close to your cousin and learn to live with other people." Ok, and it's been just over a year, and I still really can't stand her. Well, I get tired of other people in general, but I just can't stand her a lot. Just because she started going to the gym recently she thinks she knows everything about fitness, and is trying to get me to go the gym with her so she can best me, and show me everything she knows ... God I hate that. I usually avoid going to the gym with her, because I hate people telling me what do. When I have a set plan for what I want (for myself), and people come in and try to change it up, that shit pisses me to the core.

So I did end up at the gym, and it was filled with a lot, I mean, a LOT of fine ass black men. I just want to get in and out, but damn if it's hard because of all the distractions, with activate my own insecurity. I recognized a long time ago that I don't have a healthy view of my own masculinity, in the sense that I generally feel insecure around men I perceive to as better men than myself, at least physically. So, I got all nervous and I didn't even finish my workout, because I was definitely nervous about what I was supposed to be doing and that prevented me from getting a good workout. I get nervous about doing the exercises right, wondering who is watching me and laughing because I use weak ass weights or because of my height or inexperience. I know that I deserve to be there, and everybody has to start somewhere, but damn if I always get that feeling. I wish I had some kind of workout partner to take the edge off and makes things easier for me, but I don't.

I hate that more often than not, I am alone. I know that it is 80% my own fault, and I'm working on getting better in relating to other people. I have a lot of work to do in that respect. But still, I can't shake the feeling that there's nobody out there that truly wants my friendship, my time, my respect, and somebody that I can get those things from as well. I'm going to work on my list of things that I want in my life, and I'm going to create a Vision Board, because at this point, I have very little of what I thought I should at this point, and that is unacceptable. I really don't want to end up alone, but I have such a hard time relating to other people, because I don't understand them, and I don't understand myself. I have to get some fight about myself.

Mood: Just Aiight
Listening: Nothing, just a loud football game in the background, courtesy of OLDGIRL
Random Quote: "My eardrum, I think I really blew it out."
My Response: None, but I want to roll my eyes.

5k for a Good Day

Either today was just a good day, or something, because the 5k I ran was relatively easy. I mean, I was in 40th place out of problem 70, but I wasn't LAST haha. Ok, so I still suck in terms of running but I enjoyed it. I invited TWISTEDTN to come with me, since he claims to be so interested in the Beltline. And this kid talks a lot of smack, especially about running, and the kid didn't even keep up with me, and I was in 40th place! Of course he writes it off as inexperience and a bunch of bull. I'm like, dude, suck up your pride and take the loss like a man. I admit that I felt a vain pride in racing ahead of him from the first 1\2 mile, but again perhaps I should have ran with him the whole way. Whatever to that, because he would have left me and rubbed that shit in my face anyway were it the other way around. The run was pretty good, I started to get stiff toward the end, and the last straightaway lasted what seemed like forever, but I ended ok. I realized that I am stronger than I thought in terms of my running skill.

Later in the day, I took a shower and hung out in the dorm for a while. I was feeling good that day. I had the chance to speak everybody I needed to at the Beltline ceremony. Of course, BIGGIERICH was there, trying to bag on me for being a Democrat. But I got him back, as I always do. I realize that I am becoming very sardonic and caustic in my joking. Sometimes it's the only way I can relate to people, and although I don't really mean anything personal by it, I know it reflects my own sense of insecurity and isolation. I have to work on that, because what I take as a joke others may see as genuine meanness. haha. I can be mean, real mean, but generally for the people I like I don't aim to be.

I didn't get any real work done again, but I don't care. I'll use Sunday for that. But in terms of my social life, I gets nothing, nada, zip. I consider myself to be moderately attractive, I'm not ugly, but I can hold my own. I don't know what to do, if there's a code or some signal or recognition factor so I can get play. Generally, I'm not that aggressive, but some interest would be nice, you know, something for me to work with. I'm trying but obviously not hard enough.

Something else I realized is that I need to know some white folks. In fact, I can say that at least 90% of the people I converse with these days are black. That's a consequence of being a minority, going to an historically black college, and living in an essentially segregated city, on the black side of town (which is very often the southern part ...) But I want to know some people who will push me outside my boundaries a little and expose me to some different things. Is it possible to be full on black people, because right now I am.

Mood: Restless and Full
Listening: I Want You by Erykah Badu
Random Quote: "Can I get that Jew Bread?" from TWISTEDTN
My Response: You find new lows everyday ...

Up at 7:15 and Breakfast, that's a first ...

It's the earliest I've been up in awhile, because I actually got more than 5 hours of sleep, I got SIX .... haha. Yesterday, I received some bad news about the club. We didn't get the money for homecoming. I can't say I'm really surprised, because I kind of slacked off and tried to have somebody else handle it. Time and time again I realize that if you want anything done, do it yourself. The worse part is that I should have been working more closely with him, since the accused claimed to be such an expert on working with student government. He had given me all wrong information, and seems more focused on other stuff.

So updates on the social front are that nothing is happening. PRIVATEPLAN is being noncommittal and inaccessible as usual. I think the fact that I hang off his every word is really bad, and underscores my poor current relationships, but I don't know anybody. SIXTYNINE is ok, but he's not all the way there, and he thinks the answers to all my problems is sex. But, I think I need to take a break from seeking out PRIVATEPLAN. Can I be called for once? It's so weird that he makes all these hints like "When we meet .." and "We'll discuss that more later ..." and I'm like, ok, and when is that going to be?

I'm worried, really worried about where I'm going with my academic career. I've made some diasterous decisions academically, and I hope I can pull off an ok average for the semester. I still find it difficult to talk to people, and I hate not really knowing anybody, or having a larger circle of friends. SIXTYNINE's cronies are ok, and I guess they are mine as well, but it just doesn't seem like it most of the time. I just want to meet somebody that is out, affirming, smart and needs a friend. I want a road dog to hang with. I've never really had that. Maybe I need to be that for other people before I can expect it for myself.

Mood: A little tired, but cool
Listening: Magic by Robin Thicke
Random Quote: "He bought me lunch, so I gave him some attention" - OLDGIRL
My Response: That's all it takes, huh?

Up Late, Movies, P. Gordon

This is from the summer. It's so funny to read stuff from the "Past" haha

Ok, so today I was up late AGAIN. I am in a terrible habit of staying up until 2 and then waking up any where from 10AM to 2 PM!! I have to shake myself out of it, which means either waking up one day real early after a late night, or trying to go to sleep on time. I don't want to do it, but because I have felt no consequence and because I feel so separated from anything and everything here, I do it anyway. It seems to reflect this overall meme of indifference, boredom, and exhaustion that is taking over my life. Maybe Inboretion? It's serious for me now and it has to stop now. Being at MIT is a dream situation and I am not capitalized on the fact that I am here. I am not talking with enough professors or asserting this place as mine for the next few weeks. I have to do it. I have to get up because I still believe that not being able to get up in the morning is a sign of lack of will to live. I think I want to live, but I have to fight. Fight to be myself, fight to ameliorate my bad habits, fight to change, and fight to be here.

I watched Fargo yesterday with Johnny and Pat, then went to that restaurant Island Hoppers on Mass Ave., with Aziza, Esteban, PNERGY, Vanessa, Pat, Nikishia, and Danny joined us later. I know Kris LOVES Asian, and that place was pretty good, it had a lot of stuff I had never tried before, so I was happy. Well sort of. I drifted off into this antisocial haze that I do most of the time. That place where I'm physically present, but psychosocial I'm not there, just a visitor in my head, looking through my eyes, have understanding the world around him. This tends to happen a lot. In conversation, usually I say something that sounds vapid, or random or whatever and does not always fit into the context of the situation. I don't know many jokes, and I have few experiences to go on, but not many.

After talking with PNERGY early this morning, I learn a lot about him and himself. He is a likeable energetic person that everybody wants to be around, and that wants everybody to like him. Ok, that's great. Most of the time, that is the personality that I wish that I had. Unfortunately, it is not ha. But anyways, he went on about how he thinks Vanessa is immature, and how she has been negative toward him after he told some other people about how he feels about her. It was interesting to see how this had affected him so much, and how important it was for him to be on good terms with her. Of course, I don't notice the particulars of the social dynamics of MSRP, but clearly he had, and it had weighed on him. I told him that he should 1. be careful about who he reveals negative feelings about, that just spreads ill will and bleak feelings 2. He was impressed by all of the other girls in the program, so perhaps he has given Vanessa the chance to impress him. The teacher Randy Pausch said that. You have to give everyone a chance to impress, because when you least expect it, they always will.

I was taken aback by his comments, and also wondered about myself through them. I realized how self-centered I am in how I view Life. PNERGY places a high value on interpersonal relationships because that is one of his skills. I have never to my memory placed a lot of value on them, because usually others disappoint me, we don't get along that well, or I just simply reject them before they the chance to feel the same about me. I expect that most people will not like me, and I won't have ways to connect with them. I expect to be outcasted and alone a majority of the time, and perhaps that is the problem. If working on being social and connecting with people is one of my faults, then it should be a greater priority. I haven't given OLDGIRL, or SIXTYNINE, or a lot of people enough of a chance for me to like them, or them enough of a chance to like me. I should redraw where my priorities are.

1. Confidence/Comfort level
2. Interpersonal Skills/Relationships
3. Academic/Professional Pursuits
4. Health/Fitness Levels
5. Organization/Planning Modes

Mood: Slightly Depressed
Listening: "House of Cards" by Radiohead
Random Quote: "What are you talking about, ass?" - PNERGY
My Response: If only you knew ...

15th of October

Whoa, so long hiatus, I am back. I've got 2 midterms left, and a shitload of other work to do in terms of school, the club, and personal issues. I started to work out again (mildly), but I tend to eat way too much. The cafeteria is too much of a temptation, and I have to stop eating hamburgers before my stomach turns into early 20th Century Chicago. My parents are coming next week, and I hope I don't get question about if you have a girlfriend and all that jazz. If pressed, then I am just going to be honest about it.

So the past week, I've had three older guys playing mind games on me, or at least I think. Then of course there is SIXTYNINE, who always seems to connect everything in my life to sex or more specifically a lack thereof. I don't know if sex was the problem before, but damn is it ever now, because my libido, as low as it usually is, has been surging as of late (at least for me). And I'm also getting into dark skin, GOOD, CLEAR dark skin haha. Something about it is alluring and confident, and it just really gets me now haha. But back to the central issues, the older guys. There are three: PRIVATEPLAN, ARMYLIGHT and BIGGIERICH.

PRIVATEPLAN is totally messing with my head, knowingly or not. I found him through craigslist, and we talked online for awhile. Then he asked me to call him. I did, and from there it's been this kind of blind mentorship thing. He's older, like almost 30, average height and build, bi (sigh ...) and "easy on the eyes." He is in the same field as me, and said that "he wanted to adopt me." and always reminds me that he wishes he had someone to advise him. He sized me up in a literal sense of the word, and then gave me advice on dating and catching a man. So, we have been talking about about a month now, and I don't know what this is supposed to be leading to
We had phone sex a few days ago, which was amazing for me, it being a first. But then, he seemed so bored and uninterested. Something about his voice is hot to me, it's deep and calm. Anyway, I did something more aggressive that I would never do: I suggested that he be my sexual teacher and I give him some head. He seemed geniunely surprised by this, and perhaps my own loneliness and sense of vanity in my youth made me believe this to be the original intention, but whatever the case, he at first agreed, then later cancelled. For the next few days about that, I had him on the brain. How can I be turned out by someone I have never met, nor do I know what he looks like??

ARMYLIGHT and I have been talking online on and off since last year. There's not really anything sexual there, I think (he likes whites and asians, only). He is cool, and we both have the same level of snarkiness and bad jokes and pontifications on how smart we think we are, but not much has materialized there. I just recently started talking to him again, and I suggested we hit the gym together, but the question was totally ignored ...

BIGGIERICH is my associate through my job/extracurricular at school. He is really cool, smart, and shocking. Not only is he a West Point acceptee and alum of my school, he's a smart property owner with loads of cash to boot. Ok, he's a little tall and hefty for my taste (and religious and conservative , ...)but I like him, and he always has something interesting to say. He also seems to tease me at times, and I really don't know if I am supposed to act on it, or what. I'm not attracted to him, but he's so cool, and I just love being around him. Yeah that was really corny, but it is true.

SIXTYNINE is getting on my nerves because I am fairly certain that he wouldn't mind "plowing" me. That is his corny expression for it and I most politely ignore any type of subtle flirting he tries to throw at me. It's crazy. He's another horny bisexual, with a girlfriend, no. I appreciate his friendship, but I don't appreciate his wishy washy attitude about sex. Yes it's just an action, and yes it is good, and yes it drives us as human beings. But I don't do that with friends, I can't, the boundary needs to be clear, at least for me. If that makes me a prud, then whatever. I hate that he is getting into my head about me needing sex, because frankly I had not been thinking about it all that much before. I don't care if this makes me appear less of a man, but it just wasn't a focus for me. I think he prompted me to ask PRIVATEPLAN for sex, because he reasoned that that must be what he wants for me. The problem is that sex with PRIVATEPLAN was not necessarily what I wanted, but I asked for it anyway because I am a convictionless wuss.

So, now, the issues is that my sex drive is in overdrive. I'm not desperate or confident even to go in Craigslist for some "right now" type stuff, but I wouldn't mind someone clean, diseasefree and sexy with me right now. What I would really like, like REALLY like, is somebody with big shoulders that I could lay next to in my phone and just talk about stuff with. That would be great. Some dick would also be great. But now I need to focus on getting through midterms and getting the administrative and scholastic part of my life back on track.


Mood: Suppresively Procrastinating, but ok
Listening: "If you were here tonight" by Alexander O'Neal
Random Quote: "You are going to download and send me ringtones, because I don't do anything for myself ..."
My Response: N**** PLEASE!

Ok, so I happen to have a crush on somebody. It's so high school-esque but I do. We'll call 'em PUPPYEYES because they happen to be one of his best features, and they get me every time. He's usually in study hall, and I have spoken to him a few times, but it's never been really personal, and always across the table. I think he's a little out of my league, but I will attempt to at least let him know how I feel. I used Honesty Box on facebook...

Ok, that was a punk (the definition of the word I have come to know, before the Life) thing to do, I know, but I feel somewhat overwhelmed. He is nice, without all the attitude and uppity-ness that some gays have here. But he runs with that fashion set. You know the type, never leave the room without moisturizer or lips shining (GOd, I hate that. Of course it's better than chapped, but damn!!), designer everything, and have to make a statement everywhere they go. Of course, that shouldn't stop me, I should know what I want and go after it, right?

PTALL told me that I shouldn't be moving backwards at this point, considering it has taken twenty years to get here. And he's right, but man, I just can't handle the rejection, or the acceptance. I'm not in my most attractive state right now. Acne scars have marred my otherwise good complexion, and I'm developing a beer belly. I keep telling myself that I will take the time to fix it, and everything else in my mess of a life, but it just never seems to happen. I want PUPPYEYES to see me as someone attractive and deserving of affection.

Perhaps, what I need is to convince MYSELF of that first ...


Mood: waiting for nothing to come
Listening: "Leyendecker" by Battles
Random Quote: "Poor ghettos and slums are too entirely different things: slums don't discriminate by race ..." - Dr. Aka, Professor of Urban Studies
My Response: How about we get rid of the word ghetto, PLEASE! Then, please explain to me a rich ghetto, because I'm lost ...

So, what do I do now?

Ok, so I've accepted it. I have thought and thought, go over it in my head, tried to imagine my life otherwise, beyond it but I can't. The problem is, everything else becomes so complicated.

gay.

Don't know how I feel about that word, but I recognize it as one of the labels, the masks, the affinity groups, the deviants, that I now find myself with. I was having a hard enough time as it is, now it's just like, mannnnn. What next?
Well, next is a good question. Being at an all-male black college, I guess most would assume that I can now live it up, really have fun. Please, let's not kid ourselves, ok? Morehouse is steeped in Christian, masculine, 19th century idealist traditions that have no room for gays. There have been incidents here where gay students were attacked (well ok, only one, but still ...) and there's this big subculture here of good little choir boys and preachers sons that switch their crosses and their asses up and down the hill, but they're not gay! Of course not.

I've told my two closest friends, and they both seemed pretty much unaffected. One is bisexual, so he says, "Great! Now I have someone to oogle guys with." And I can actually say that my nonsexual relationship with PTALL has really been strengthened, and I appreciate that. We even went to a group session and a club haha. More on those later. My other friend, BLACKFRAT, was totally ok with it. I suspected that he might be ..., because know he claims that he has all this gay stalkers at the school he goes to (UPENN), and to me, if that many gay guys are "after" somebody who claims to be straight, then you must be doing something to edge them on ...

But the real point is that I have told people, and I'm trying to make it normal for me. To carve out some sense of identity for myself and get better at this. I've met teenagers who have had more emotional experience than I have, and that is sad (hence the screenname) . So my aim is to get that experience to shake off my childhood, childish fears, and move on. Move ON!! But, now, to what??

Mood: Nebulous
Listening: "Boston" by Augustana
Random Quote: "N****, I don't know, but I need to do something outrageous or outstanding ..." - random AUC student outside the library
My Thought: ok, must be a rap album I should have listened to? Otherwise, interesting play on words, depends on how you see each. A black man 18-25 in college or with a job and doing ok is BOTH ...

Hey out there.

As my title suggests, I am alonely negro. Not also, but "alonely" state always seems to catch me off guard. I prefer this term to alone or lonely because neither necessarily has to be the same. You can be alone, but definitely not lonely. You feel lonely by yourself, or in a room full of your favorite friends. Alonely is almost a feeling a total separation from everything around you, like the world just decided to freeze your consciousness out of it. But that's not the purpose of this blog.

This will be my 2nd, no 3rd attempt at starting a blog. I'll write about all the things that are affecting me at any one time. Whether it's the being gay, school ( Morehouse), Atlanta (most unsustainable city on Earth, well, second to Las Vegas anyway), being black, or anything that is most affecting me at the time. I'm putting it all here.

It's been twenty years for me, and I am ready to start feeling normal. I'm ready to have a relationship not based solely on sex, a group of friends that don't need a ride everyday, and a greater sense of what kind of person I want to be.

Mood: Angst
Currently Listening: "Hurt" by Johnny Cash
Random Quote: "Black people don't live in trailer parks, it's a cultural thing." - Ariel W. like, huh?