Internalizing my emotions is a big problem for me. Sometimes, I get so angry, or sad, or at those RARE times happy, but it is all contained. Often, it's like the people that I thought I was close to are the ones that let me down. The feeling starts and grows in my head and takes over how I feel and my whole persona. Like, all of a sudden I have a weight put around my chest. Sometimes, it makes me want to holler out loud!
I asked my "friend" JG to take me to the airport tomorrow (well, later this morning), and perhaps spend some time with him this weekend. I asked him about this over a week in advance, twice, and both times I asked him if he had anything to do, and he said he didn't. I get home from the airport today, and he calls and says he will be there in an hour. Mind you, this is after I had walked down the terminal, taken the train, got through baggage, and I am at the curb. So I tell him I will take a cab to the townhouse, because I needed to change out my bags. I was online in Detroit for a week, while I will be in D.C. for two months. So I needed a lot more bags.
JG texted me and said maybe it would be easier if I had more time to pack and that he could come later. It was only going to take me a few minutes to repack and be ready to go. Then he tells me over the phone that he had a cookout and a dinner party to go to, and he needed to shower and get ready. So, my choices were for him to come get me now, or wait until after he was finished with all of his activities. I relented and just said ok I'll wait. So, every time I go to JG's house, he falls asleep. So I am just sitting in the living room twiddling my thumbs like, OKAY …. I later (10 pm) sent him a text and said that I would just take a cab in the morning and that he wouldn't have to come pick up me. And it starts.
So he says "Not everything can go your way. I told you I had other things to do. Why you throwing a tantrum." Then I responded that he had only told me today about his busy social calendar. And he then said, that I was rude and that I was bitching about nothing and all this stuff. I was infuriated. I literally had to shout out loud, and I am still mulling over the emotions of what happened. What I hate about in my dealings with JG is that he is infalliable and I am always wrong. I criticize him, I throw tantrums, I am bitchy, I am PMsing, and he just cruises through everything as Mr. Nice Guy.
I know now in reflection that he was going to do me a favor, so I just should have been patient and waited. But if he was so busy, why couldn't he have just told me that before and not tried to mask what he was doing. I understand that if anything is not beneficial to him, he does not prioritize it. Especially concerning me. That much I understand. But damn, you could at least maybe consider that I also matter, that I always don't need to be attacked by him. I feel like I can't depend on him for anything.
The further I go along, I feel like I can't seem to trust or let anyone into my life. Eventually, everyone either just makes me really angry or disappoints me. I know the theory that if you have a problem with everyone, they aren't the problem, it's you. The farther I go along with others, they seem to trust me less and less. With JG, there have been times where he invited me to go to the gym with him or out with his friends. And both times I either declined or he judged that I'm not a good person to do those things with.
I don't know, this sucks. I don't have anybody at this point that I can depend on, that sees me as a resource to be valued, nor do I have anybody I value in that respect. I guess I have to do that for myself first. It's so disheartening because I feel like the people I know don't have the time or energy to put up with me, and on the flipside, I push them further away. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment, and general malaise. I hate that I always feel like I am always having to apologize. What is my issue? That everything and everyone that takes importance in my life, I am in conflict with.
Listening: Get on up by Jodeci