Saturday, May 2, 2009

Won’t Cost a Penny for These Thoughts …

In less than a week, I will be at home. Away from Atlanta, and classes (THANK YOU!), and the townhouse, and my roommate/cousin, and this life I have fallen into here. Indeed, my friend says that I have a life now, I have business. I don't know exactly what that means. What I have had is a strange level of intimacy with two people I wasn't particularly attracted to, but they seemed to be more in the moment than I was. I have had a serious personal feud with a sophomore, and we still haven't quite reconciled that discussion. I shared a brief, but wonderful kiss with somebody that I never expected to be attracted to, but is more arrested in his development than I could ever be.

I think that I am becoming somewhat more confident in terms of being social, but I still have a long way to go. There is this annoying quality within me that arises constantly: the need to be great. No matter what I do, I feel that I should be the best at it. I felt more than a twinge of jealousy at a freshman I know from LA that was featured in the newspaper's Men of the Year issue. I don't know what. I have never been a part of that group, nor have I done what it takes to be a member. Those people that walk across that campus as if they were God's anointed. They freely dole out those masculine greetings of fist bumps and head nops. They chat with the school president and administrators as naturally as anybody else. Comparing yourself to others is a big problem for me. I could look at anyone else, and see them as having that greener grass than my side of the fence.

I know the work that I have to do as a person. I have to speak up and be heard. I have to strive to meet more people. I have to be assertive and aggressive. My prince ain't coming, I have to be my own prince before I can find another. I mean, I'm 21 years old. I'm still going through some of the b.s. that should have been left in elementary school. I can remember my last day of the 5th grade. A lot of people in my classes often changed schools after this year, and I remember Artel Smith cried because his friend Ben was leaving the school. In fact, they both cried. Then I ran home and cried in my mother's lap because I knew nobody at that school would cry over me. Perhaps, the better question was why I didn't cry over them, but about them.

I have to write in this damn blog everyday as I had promised myself and let go of all the emotional drama I have been going through the past month.


Mood: Bothered

Listening: "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell (Love it!)

Random Quote: "I am going to make you fall in love with me by the end of the year …"

Response: *chuckle* Now, that would be surprising …


  1. not surprise that you are feeling bothered, but you are going home so hopefully things can look up for you...

  2. Ha! Men of the Year Issue. That's total nonsense. Once again its only a small segment of students who make these things and they tend to have some sort of "secret" lol. When ever you see these students who make efforts to be known and friends with the president and administrates... plz realize they're usually really unhappy and are trying to compensate for some kind of short coming. Im not trying to be mean, just get to know them and you'll find out.

    But ti sounds like the love life is picking up! That's positive. Its never the ones you want tho lol. But touching story about your childhood..just gotta take it all one day at a time.

  3. You'll live. I think it's very admirable that you are willing to work on your deficiencies (i.e. envy and jealousy). Be well and have a wonderful summer.

  4. @thegayte-keeper

    Thank you, palm trees and clear skies here I come lol. Thank you!

    You are right, I lose perspective a lot. But sometimes you just have that desire to feel noticed and important. It's so shallow and narrow, but I have it none-the-less


    I take my cues after all the other blogs I read, including yours. Thanks and good wishes to you as well!

  5. wow, I can see why you were irritated. I do some of the exact same things, comparing, and the inability to talk ugh. Feels like I'm walking down memory lane...