Monday, May 4, 2009

It’s a Thin Line …

I moved all my stuff out of my dormroom to my cousin's house. I know it's early, but I wanted to get it done earlier. Actually, I can't actually say I'm done, I still have a bunch of clothes and a few things left over in there. Every year I do this, I'm amazed at the amount of stuff I have, especially the amount of clothes. I end up giving or throwing away a lot the stuff. And living on the third floor, it's no easy task to haul all that stuff up and down the stairs lol.

SIXTYNINE was there to help. Carried most of the stuff and helped me unpack at my cousin's house. She had her usual jump-off at the house, so we went upstairs to give them their privacy. So SIXTYNINE and I were just laying the on bed, both on laptops and talking about whatever. And for a brief moment we shared a bit of intimacy that I was unsure about, but I let it happen away. For the past month, my definition of what I think of as friend has gone from concrete to very vague. Apparently for most of my friends, sex and intimacy are not equal; so SIXTYNINE can do everything with another friend and it just means nothing. We are all supposed to forget about it, and move on. Even if I liked the person, or if that person is emotionally unstable, or whatever. It's very confusing, and I can't say I'm comfortable with the fact that every person that I know has had some form of sexual contact with him. Hell, I even experienced him perform an act on somebody else! So, where is the line drawn? I don't what a bunch of friends with benefits, where we share each other and debate and discuss each other's sexual exploits in private. I have to have clearer boundaries in my life. I'm not saying that I wouldn't let a future relationship develop from a current friend, but I would prefer not to follow-up on people that all of my friends have already "had." Yuck.

So, I as lay on my bed, next to somebody more than twice my size, the only combination in our growing set that hasn't hooked up, I can only wonder what he is thinking or expecting. I need friends, and I would like a boyfriend. What I don't need is a bunch of in-betweens. Call me crazy or a prud, but I don't want to share sexual favors with friends. SIXTYNINE is a great friend, dare I say my best friend. I don't want that to be turned into something that would become uncomfortable and unclear. I don't care if the rest of the world is crazy, I assume friends are there to be your sense of security. Again this all points back to my need to branch out and meet more people. Sometimes, I wish I could just skip the b.s. and know whether or not this person is a friend, or a potential bf or whatever. It would makes things a lot easier, but a lot less interesting. I'm did not, nor will I do anything with SIXTYNINE or any of my current friends. New people are another story, but that's only when the both of us are sure and certain on what we want from each other. I'm never sure on where I should draw the line.

Mood: Cool

Listening: "Sober" by Pink

Random Quote: "This is nice, us sitting here. I feel like I could do this as the real thing."

Response: yeah, yeah … just no funny business …