It's cold in Michigan. I'm mean, it's June and it's cold in this piece. I had to run back to the room today and turn on the heat. LOL. I have been spoiled by Los Angeles and Atlanta weather, both mild compared to the rest of the country. But today was an okay day. Full of lectures from professors, I mean, we sat in the same building for 10 hours today. I was nodding off by 2, I couldn't make it.
Since one of my goals is to learn to be sociable and attempt some of my social awkwardness, I "endured" this evening of going to a bar to drink beer. The program I am doing is full of environmentally minded people. The outdoorsy, hippie types that surf, and backpack, run 6 miles in the morning (my roommate), and travel to Kilimanjaro and East India to save the world. I know that these are exactly the type of people that I complain aren't at Morehouse. But to a degree, I just feel so dwarfed by them. I don't know. They see and do so much more than I do. What, I study and feel depressed and go to Atlantic Station. That's the sum of my life outside of class. I often don't feel very interesting or know what to see. In fact, I often just lie, because I don't have anything else to say.
This has been one of my greatest challenges. Just to go out with a group of my peers. It's just about the hardest thing for me to do. I wish it wasn't. This great negative anticipation I attach to these casual situations is RIDICULOUS. Yet I do it every time. It is so hard for me to just be natural, retain a positive outlook. Instead, those thoughts of self-doubt come in, and I feel myself being too quiet, stumbling over my words, laughing too loudly and insecurely. Like, I'm afraid people will see something they don't like, and all I see in them are things that I don't like.
I'm going to start meditating. I need to do something to start quieting my mind and setting things start. The reason I am so unsettled is that I never take the time to reflect back on this, and realize half the bullshit I feel I create and delude myself with. That's the hardest thing to realize. I know I don't have that animal magnetism and charisma that some people have. In fact, I am like a natural deterrent. There is a cute dude that is well spoken (check) and he went to Harvard (check), and he is so nice. I don't even know what to say or how to approach him. And it was probably wishful thinking on my part, but I swear I saw him smile at me during lunch. I could have fallen out then and there. Well, two days down, 6 to go. Please God, let him be GAY lol. Tell me I am not crushing on a str8 boy AGAIN. Damn if that doesn't happen every day.
Listening: Runnin' by Pharcyde
Random Quote: none
Response: Ok, let's fix this thing called catchingupat20 …