Damn, I wish I was somebody else. Like somebody that goes to parties and clubs and has a fucking good time. Im just sick of the crap that seems to be constantly handed to me as my social life. Pardon me for the negativity, but I must admit this weekend has royally sucked for me. Atlanta Black Pride. The black gay man's sexual feast. He finds himself surrounding by beautiful faces, hard bodies, and feelings of lust and licentiousness that he would be hard-pressed to find any other time of the year. The men, the boys, the gurlz flock to the Super 8 rooftop, TRAXX, 708, the Jungle, Django's, Vita, and the numerous other bars, clubs, and hotel that add to the bevy of excitement. I understand that pride, or at least the underlying purpose of it, is meant to be a celebration of identity, sexuality, individuality, and freedom. The black gay man probably feels twice as much of reason to celebration due to the conflicting and challenging definition of being a black man and gay or single gender loving in this country. So maybe pride is supposed to be a weekend of thanksgiving and celebration, and to an extent it still is. But, it has also become an extension of the typical weekend club experience, but this time around the bars are full of out-of-towners even more in search of those gratifying sexual experiences than the townies. The typical fanfare of conspicuously clad dancers doing things that would make even the most sexually experienced gay blush, armed with oiled, sculpted bodies, extra large, bulging packages and erotic movement. The divas like Toccara, Lil' Kim, Nene and others that play hostess, and the gays of course. The thugs, the gurlz, the tall, the short, the fashionistas, the preps, the big boys, the skinny and mini – every size, shape, type and complexion you can think of can be found in the streets of Atlanta.
I don't really know what I expected to happen. I mean, I tried to enter this situation with the chief intent of enjoying myself. Even, if I was just going to dance by myself (which I did) or have a drink with friends (which I did). But, to my un-surprise, it wasn't lol. Just nights of staring emptily into crowds of strangers that all mesh together into this sweaty, tall mass of nothingness that exist within a realm that I do not comprehend. Initially, I was kinda excited to go out, because I rarely do (although recently that has been a different story). I always privately keep this hope that I will see somebody, lock eyes with somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY and it will just click. Things will work out. I will know what to say or he will say all the right things. We will dance, and kiss and hell, it could just be a one night stand, I don't really care at this point. I guess I don't have any kind of magnetic factor that attracts people to me. I know I'm not the cutest (something that I have yet to fully grasp, but have to accept), I'm short, I don't have a winning personality of charm and wit. Ok, I get it. I don't like it, but I get that much now. It does seem like everyone around me is always having more fun than I am. Man, I hate that feeling lol.
Friday, SIXTYNINE, FRENCHXL and I headed to the Jungle for Wassupnatl's party there. FRENCHXL is a bio major from St. Louis that loves to CHAIN SMOKE weed and tobacco, and drink Wild Irish Rose. Despite my annoyance while waiting for him to "pre-game" with all of his substances, I enjoyed seeing him in this light. I don't him very well, so it was pleasing to see him cut loose and really enjoy himself. He claimed to have touched more dick that he ever had in his life, and taken some champagne from a gentlemen onstage that had toasted it with the tip of his penis as well. SIXTYNINE got some serious action from a queen that skillfully unzipped his pants on the dance floor and also gave him some oral pleasure as well (I don't know if he was exposed or it was through the pants, but I don't think that dude cares all that much). The crowd was a bit older than I expected, and the dancers and pornstars that showed up were a lot more, I don't know, real , to see in person. I honestly didn't have a bad time, I was glad to see my friends really enjoy themselves and to take in all the sights lol. I hadn't really expected to enjoy myself, it is what it is.
Saturday, we headed to Vita, and JUST MISSED the free admission and free vodka. There weren't many people when we first arrived, but in the matter of half an hour, it seems like almost a hundred dudes streamed into that small place. We danced on floor for a minute, and saw the infamous Dwight from the Real Housewives in all his glory having a good ol' time. It got so hot inside that we went outside to take a breather for a minute. Then, I immediately spotted two Morehouse students (because I have this knack for knowing everybody's name and history, but they don't know me of course ), BD and MP. BD was a high ranking SGA official that graduated last year. Short in stature, but not in ego or wardrobe. He immediately comes over, and like any gracious Morehouse Man, gives us the typical display of condescension mixed with intrigue. He is surprise to see SIXTYNINE here, I guess because of his height. But, in any case, after SIXTYNINE caresses his hand, BD goes, "Oh I'm a top, and trust I'm packing, maybe even bigger than you" to SIXTYNINE. Dude, I doubt you are LOL, but anything is possible. Anyway, once BD moves on to continue making his rounds, FRENCHXL gives a call to another friend, who comes to supply some weed. Then, a charming, little liar named Irvington comes over to find out about the square. Irv is a half-Japanese, Half-puerto Rican in town from Michigan by way of Miami, and wants to meet guys "that are interesting in more than sex." He was so pretty that I couldn't help but smile and giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Anyway, he talks to us for a while and even promises to buy me a drink. I know better than anyone that this was a B.S. ting entirely, I had seen him making his way through the whole crowd, with that fake foreign accent playing innocent. An accent immediately gratifies me, makes me want to know more, lol. But yeah, he lied of course lol. I got a few texts from my D.C. friend. He was in town at TRAXX, so I did make the trek out there from Buckhead, but the damn place was hella crowded, and that place was so packed I couldn't begin to find him. The police were like checking the parking lots and arresting people for fighting and "indecent exposure." So I know that was my cue to go home.
I don't think I need to go to any more events. I'd had my fill and I'm ready to move on. One thing I know that I need to do is a complete personal re-assessment, to determine what my weaknesses are (among the many) and more importantly what I consider to be my strengths. Again, I'm slipping into this doomsday outlook on everything. I don't know how to shake it, but I'm really nervous about what's coming. Youth is fleeting, as a gay male, it's a mere millisecond. If this is how things are now, I shudder to think about the future. I have work to do, work on myself.
And sidenote: Since when is the cute the new adjective for any and everything??
Mood: Mean mug on my face
Listening: "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu
Random Quote: Promise me we will buy tickets to fly in next year - SIXTYNINE
Response: I promise you will buy a ticket to come next year. I might be straight by then