I have a lot more growing up to do. It's funny to look back and think about the silly things that I have said and done in my life. I remember as a kid I let a friend borrow money from me, and pressured her so much to pay me back that she stole the money out of her mama's purse the next day lol. At an even younger age, I admitted to myself that I was a "child of the sun," and I would not only stare straight into the sun, but I also squinted. The perfect vision I inherited was lost forever. I also cheated on an essay in the 9th grade. I told everybody in the 5th grade that Crystal Jackson was a ho, that one of my 'good' friends was a faggot, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I strangely always seem to remember. I didn't think that I would get caught, but I did, and I found myself greatly humbled afterward. I tell lies, and I like to gossip. These are my vices (among others …). I realize know that they manifest often when I find myself at a loss or unwilling to talk about my own life. They can't be excused away, but the reason I tend to fall back on them time and time again, is because I rarely get caught. Today I did.
I have to introduce an interesting cast of characters: CHIPMUNK, CHOCOLATEDROP, MONEY&SEX, and the omnipresent SIXTYNINE. CHIPMUNK I contacted through honesty box on facebook (which I have deleted FOR GOOD as an application). Initially, I thought he was cute and I wanted to get to know him. We shared some messages, and he seemed interesting, so we planned to meet. I invited him to dinner, but I also brought SIXTYNINE along for protection. I, in my own naivety and insecurity, did not realize that he, CHIPMUNK, intended this to be a date. So, as I had gotten to know CHIPMUNK more and more, I began to see the similarities between him and myself. We even went out on another outing that I did not know was a "date" but he considered it to be. Over the past two months, I pretty much haven't spent a weekend away from him. I have come to learn a lot about CHIPMUNK, and I judged him not to be someone that I would pursue romantically. Not only does he seem to carry a deeper degree of depression than myself, but he also has a lot of strange quirks and ways about him that I just couldn't see myself relating to. And I made mistake number 1. I judged CHIPMUNK to be lesser than myself and not worthy of my affection.
CHOCOLATEDROP is CHIPMUNK's best friend, and they share an extremely, extremely close friendship. And also very physical. VERY PHYSICAL. Anyway, I first met him, on one of their weekly jaunts into Piedmont Park. At first, he seemed like the usual, DL, Morehouse, Christian mindless, hypocritical moralist. He claimed that he was a virgin, and seeing as how I met him at Piedmont Park after dark, I had my doubts. I quickly judged him in the negative, because he seemed like a self-important airhead, and talked endlessly about him and the boys that propositioned him on honesty box. I thought he was too effeminate and dramatic for my taste. But CHOCOLATEDROPhas a quality about him, and the more I spent time with him, the more I began to really see him and become attracted to him. I started to love his voice, his smooth, dark skin, his always perfect goatee, and air of confidence and charm. We also shared a brief, but perfect kiss that left him notably disappointed, but left me wanting more. He seemed to be in such high demand, that I did not pursue simply because I didn't have the will to compete for his affection. But herein lays mistake number 2. I hid my feelings about CHOCOLATEDROP, and disrespected him.
MONEY&SEX was originally SIXTYNINE's jump-off. But for some reason, I decided to violate the rule. The rule is that I do not, EVER, hook up nor do anything more with anybody SIXTYNINE has "touched." But I broke the rule with MONEY&SEX, and I don't even know why. I am not particularly attracted to him, or like him even as a friend. But I did, I hooked up with him, and I gave him all of me, including my virginity. I kind of regret that. I haven't been saving myself under any religious or romantic ideal, but at the same time, I imagined it would carry a lot more significance than it did. And I am disappointed in myself in that it didn't mean that much … I don't know. Although I'd like to think of him in a cursory capacity, he does play an important role in what happened this weekend. But what I can't stand about him is that he CONSTANTLY contacts you. I think I received no less than 20 text messages from this guy in a day (and I had responded to less than half). MONEY&SEX expects you to devote so much time and energy to him, yet he didn't want a relationship. In fact, he told me he wanted something between friendship and an official relationship. What the hell is that? But after two romps with him, I think that I am just about through.
I wanted to feel out MONEY&SEX and see where his head was. He had been constantly texting and sending messages online, that I had come to inventing a few lies just to avoid him. Again, he had caught me on face book chat, and was trying to get me to come to his place. I thought I might stave him off by saying that I was somebody else, and I picked CHOCOLATEDROP, because I could say that he was using my laptop (he doesn't have one), and that I had left my facebook logged in. So, what began as a simple deception ended up with horny MONEY&SEX trying to get CHOCOLATEDROP in his room. He quickly asked to be friends, then quickly friended CHOCOLATEDROP. Somehow, MONEY&SEX managed to get the boy in his room, within the hour, and strangely sent me a text of CHOCOLATEDROP on his bed. I immediately became worried. I felt like I had fated them to end up together, with myself another. No, I didn't think CHOCOLATEDROP was cheap, but I always assume the worst to happen, and I somehow that they might end up as a couple from this chance meeting. MONEY&SEX manages to tell CHOCOLATEDROP many things that I had confided in him with, things about the both of them, and certain sexual activities that had been happening in the past week.
All of these activities and secrets and gossip and revelations that I have seeded, prolonged, revealed and concealed have come full circle and hit me smack dab in my face. I have one friend that accused me of having low moral character and not worthy of his trust. Another that considers me TRASH, and beneath him, another that tried to defend me although he knows I messed all up, and yet another "friend" still calling me about coming OVER TO HIS PLACE. This is my fault. I can't evade that, it did most of this, and without a doubt, I deserve the blame if the situation calls for it. But, I'm interested to see that one of my goals for the year was accomplished. I wanted an intense social experience. And these collective happenings definitely have been, not nearly in the way I would have liked. I have a lot of growing up to do, especially if I want to be somebody that is in the jump-off/booty call/friend with benefits/whatever network. It implies a certain level of discretion and nonchalance about sex that I honestly don't share. I know now that I'm not cut out for all of that, definitely not at this point. I call myself a grown ass man, but I then create situations like this. I create these situations because I am often so afraid of telling people what I really think, and to protect myself from having to. And I end up doubly experiencing the emotions I try to avoid.
Maturity is learned. And so are humility, veracity, and courage. Not courage in any grand sense, but just enough to face the things, the people that you have wronged. Enough to face yourself, and your faults. I still can't really do it. I had to leave the room when confronted about what I had said. I just felt so small, so young. Like the same little boy that I was at Parent Elementary, not the 21, soon-to-be senior at Morehouse. Gosh, where is my head lately?
Mood: Greatly Humbled
Listening: "Another Day" by 4hero
Random Quote: My mother always told me that if you get down with trash, you have to brush it off in order to remain clean (or something) - CHOCOLATEDROP
Response: Wow, really, I am trash now Lady Macbeth?