Tuesday, July 7, 2009

More Thoughts

I went on a run tonight to the Washington Monument. And now, I am beat. I thought I had been making gains in terms of losing weight and getting in shape, but I realize that it takes a lot of work when you have a history of being chubby. Running is … hard lol. And it's usually so easy for me to be psyched out about how it's going to feel, and insecure about having to stop halfway through the workout. I realize that there are many things that I want to do: get in good shape, be healthier, sustain better relationships, network and build new ones, and GET INTO A GOOD GRADUATE SCHOOL. In terms of the whole man thing … I don't know. I haven't exactly really been putting myself out there to meet people and seek out potential relationships. In my mind, I admit that I think I am a lot more attractive than I really am. Combining that warped self-image with my long-felt feelings of desperation and rejection, every man I see, gay or straight (or bi … K), that looks decent (and these days, in this city, that seems to be a lot) I get my hopes up. I look into their eyes with a sense of longing and interest that probably would get me jumped were I not in public. So, if they do notice, they return the favor with either a stare of unconcern, confusion, or total refusal. This just decimates my sense of self-esteem. I would love to be like everybody else. I have these "friends" that tell me all of these stories about people they have meet, and times with friends who do this and that. All I can think about is "I want that for myself. How do I get those attractive, flashy friends?"

I'm smart enough about myself to know that I am an intensely jealous, no envious person. The envy is the result of others throwing their insecurity or pride unto me, and I tend to take things at face value. Changing this disastrous way of thinking means changing a lot of the way I view the world. It's hard to remember not to take myself or anyone else too seriously. One of the things I struggle with all the time. How do I continue to maintain my sense of self, when all I see within myself are things that need to be fixed, tweaked, and repaired? That in itself is something I need to work on. Finding the good with myself, and also within others. When I walk around, carrying this cynical and discouraging view of people and life, it's no wonder I'm not getting what I want or need out of life. I am not calling it to myself.

Mood: Better

Listening: "Reflections" by Diana Ross and the Supremes

Random Quote: ExaminedLife, why do you have to be so cool?

Response: Enrique, why are you so damn sarcastic?

No comments:

Post a Comment