Music Just Saved My Life

I joined one of my friends from Morehouse to go to an Anthony Hamilton concert last night. It was ON. It was Chrisette Michelle, Musiq Soulchild and him. They are brought something different to the table, and I could appreciate their unique styles, yet they all are definitely a part of the neo-soul movement. Anthony brought the house down with his energy and sense of movement and vitality, even with a limp leg lol. He took you to the juke joint, a Southern Baptist church, and a family picnic all in the range of one show. I realized then how much I really love music and I truly enjoyed that shared experience of hearing "my" song and singing and jamming with the rest of the crowd. It was a great experience.

Before that, I had a bit of a revealing experience when I told one of my roommates I was gay. He was surprised, but he didn't really seem to care. That to me was cool. I'm thinking I might buy a rainbow wrist thing and just wear that. I mean, because that way, it's saying it without REALLY saying it. I'm tired of people asking me if I have a girlfriend. Like, it's the question of the day. To me, it's shouldn't be any of their business, but of course people are curious. Honestly, at this point, I don't care anymore. I'm ready to be me. It sounds corny as hell, but I always felt that everybody else was stifling me sexually, but it was never about them. It was always about me. Going to the concert, and hearing all those songs about love and affection, made me really long to have somebody there with me, for me. It made we want to feel and express myself physically emotionally, sexually – without a thought to who might care or react. It made me feel slightly more positive about the future and what is to come for me.

This week I am going to focus on being a better intern, and framing the world around me in the way that I want it to be. I don't mean, that I am going to walk around in a delusional fog, but I am going to start to work on creating the person and the life that I want to have. If I'm going to be unhappy, then it won't be by choice. I have to work with myself at those angry, sad, and discouraged points to remain focus and stay positive. I have to be my own best friend.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Love Brings Change" by Jamie Foxx

Random Quote: "No, we ain't singing your song tonight. I'm tired of Charlene." – Anthony Hamilton

Response: hahaha

Last post on this guy, I hope …

It was a cool, rainy day today. I got caught in a little of it walking to work lol. Even as I was walking to work, I was still thinking about JG. I was wondering if I should cave and call him or just let him drop out of my life. This always happens to me. When people are in my life, I try my hardest to push them away, but when they do leave, for better or for worse, I end up feeling bad. I talked a little big to SIXTYNINE about it, and this is what he had to say.

[23:47] ExaminedLife: i need to change out of my work clothes lol
[23:47] SIXTYNINE: lol
[23:47] SIXTYNINE: i'm ni my undies
[23:47] ExaminedLife: haha
[23:47] ExaminedLife: should i even be surprised
[23:48] SIXTYNINE: i hate pants
[23:49] ExaminedLife: haha
[23:51] ExaminedLife: can only imagine what you will be up to
[23:51] SIXTYNINE: talking to The girlfriend eating pizza hut
[23:52] SIXTYNINE: you don;t like it when i talk to you and jack it
[23:53] ExaminedLife: I'm not the one who would
[23:54] ExaminedLife: save that for Mr. CHOCOLATEDROP
[23:54] SIXTYNINE: wow
[23:54] SIXTYNINE: where'd you dig out that skeleton
[23:56] ExaminedLife: you're memory is mighty short
[23:57] ExaminedLife: that was two months ago lol
[23:57] ExaminedLife: *your
[23:57] SIXTYNINE: you musta found him on the Columbia Law school fan page
[23:57] ExaminedLife: funny
[23:57] ExaminedLife: that would be JG SORRY ASS
[23:57] ExaminedLife: he that still has not called me BACK
[23:57] ExaminedLife: but I'm not bitter
[23:57] ExaminedLife: ..
[23:58] SIXTYNINE: yeah right
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: CHOCOLATEDROP est maintenant fan de Columbia Law School.
[23:59] ExaminedLife: who?
[23:59] ExaminedLife: CHOCOLATEDROP?
[23:59] ExaminedLife: ain't nobody worried 'bout weasel eyes
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: uh huh
[23:59] ExaminedLife: i was talkin about JG lol
[23:59] SIXTYNINE: i was saying from earlier
[00:00] SIXTYNINE: i know who JG is and I'm still in disbelief that you can take somelong to get over a bad person no longer liking you
[00:00] ExaminedLife: haha
[00:00] ExaminedLife: he's not bad
[00:00] SIXTYNINE: see
[00:01] ExaminedLife: well, it's complicated, i don't knwo
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: i mean a bad friend a bad confidant a bad mentor
[00:01] ExaminedLife: i do carea bout him
[00:01] ExaminedLife: damn
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: a person who's bad at being loyal bad at being there for you
[00:01] SIXTYNINE: bad at compassion bad a eloquence bad at understanding
[00:02] ExaminedLife: damn ... ok ...
[00:02] SIXTYNINE: not a bad person
[00:02] ExaminedLife: he was alright. I mean, I don't know
[00:02] ExaminedLife: i liked having somebody check up on me everyday
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and joke around with about bs sometimes
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and talk about planning with
[00:02] ExaminedLife: and who is also gay
[00:03] ExaminedLife: i mean, come on. That is like needle in a haystack
[00:03] SIXTYNINE: easy come...
[00:03] ExaminedLife: it wasn't exactly easy come
[00:04] ExaminedLife: but the going definitely was for some reason
[00:05] SIXTYNINE: well it's over now
[00:05] ExaminedLife: and it sucks
[00:05] SIXTYNINE: oh is this another game
[00:05] ExaminedLife: i miss my mentor lol
[00:05] ExaminedLife: huh?
[00:06] SIXTYNINE: weren't you mad at him
[00:06] ExaminedLife: yeah
[00:06] SIXTYNINE: so how did this become you begging for him to take you back in his life
[00:06] ExaminedLife: but i didn't ask to cast him out
[00:06] ExaminedLife: i haven't
[00:06] ExaminedLife: that's why i haven't spoken to him since
[00:07] SIXTYNINE: but you're mad he won't call you
[00:08] ExaminedLife: i'm disappointed
[00:08] ExaminedLife: damn, it's like a relationship, but not
[00:09] SIXTYNINE: that he proved himself to be what he already proved himself to be
[00:09] ExaminedLife: like, if somebody literally called or texted you everyday
[00:09] ExaminedLife: and then just stopped
[00:09] SIXTYNINE: if Karl Trusdale did that, his discontinuence would be shouted from the rooftops
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: or micha or anyone else i didn't like
[00:10] ExaminedLife: wait, huh?
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: just b/c someone contacts you doesn't make them a friend
[00:10] SIXTYNINE: just b/s someone is a friend doesn't make them a good one
[00:11] ExaminedLife: well, i appreciated that consistency
[00:11] ExaminedLife: that is now gone lol
[00:11] SIXTYNINE: and just b/c the other person lets go first doesn't mean it should have always stayed together
[00:12] ExaminedLife: i guess
[00:13] SIXTYNINE: i mean, maybe you presented the worst of both of us to each other or w/e but I have never been fond of JG and I'm not sorry to see him out of your life
[00:13] ExaminedLife: haha
[00:14] SIXTYNINE: I don't have all the answers for you either (although I love pretending I do)
[00:14] ExaminedLife: well, i probably didn't present a fair representation
[00:14] SIXTYNINE: but I didn't like seeing you care more about someone than they cared about you
[00:14] ExaminedLife: but i miss his texts and calls none the less
[00:15] SIXTYNINE: so what was it that you wanted: a friend or a fan?
[00:15] ExaminedLife: he didn't exactly cheer me on lol
[00:15] ExaminedLife: he would just joke with me, or talk about himself
[00:16] ExaminedLife: and i didn't mind it to be honest
[00:16] ExaminedLife: .. most of the time lol
[00:16] SIXTYNINE: well good with the bad and all that
[00:17] SIXTYNINE: just don't go wanting what don't want you
[00:17] ExaminedLife: clearly
[00:17] ExaminedLife: that to me is like the whole of black gay men rejecting me
[00:18] ExaminedLife: because that is what he was for me lol. Like a microcosm of all the experiences, and wants, and ideas that I don't have
[00:18] ExaminedLife: concerning 'the life'
[00:19] SIXTYNINE: but why want to buy in so despretly to a system that doesn't want and doesn't understand you
[00:20] ExaminedLife: and what are my other options
[00:20] ExaminedLife: be alonw
[00:20] ExaminedLife: be alone?
[00:20] ExaminedLife: that's all i have
[00:20] ExaminedLife: or rather, all i could
[00:20] SIXTYNINE: no
[00:20] ExaminedLife: that is my demographic
[00:20] ExaminedLife: and my demographic
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: just don't be a homothug
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or a dl brotha
[00:21] ExaminedLife: rejected me
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or a oreo fag
[00:21] ExaminedLife: huh?
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or anything
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: just be you
[00:21] ExaminedLife: a black gay man is what i am
[00:21] ExaminedLife: i wasn' t even going there
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: but you know as well as I do that that is not just one thing
[00:21] SIXTYNINE: or two
[00:22] SIXTYNINE: or ten
[00:22] ExaminedLife: i was just saying that for me, JG represented the life
[00:22] ExaminedLife: and the life said that i was bitchy and wanted everything to go my way
[00:22] ExaminedLife: and then didn't call me again
[00:22] ExaminedLife: what do i take from that
[00:23] ExaminedLife: that i literally have no peer group that i can belong to
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: why do you need a peer group
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: can't you just have peers
[00:24] ExaminedLife: that's where they would come from ...
[00:24] ExaminedLife: peers from peer group
[00:24] SIXTYNINE: is that how you found me
[00:25] SIXTYNINE: I don't belong to your peer group
[00:25] ExaminedLife: you do, sort of
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: key word sort of
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: you sort of belong
[00:26] ExaminedLife: but you don't know any more of the life than i. I just appreciated having somebody that has been in my place, and hearing about his experiences and ideas
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: you can't find identity and meaning from ppl that are 'kinda' like you
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: and you got that
[00:26] SIXTYNINE: so what else did you need from him
[00:27] ExaminedLife: i just wanted to hear from him
[00:27] ExaminedLife: that's all
[00:27] ExaminedLife: i haveway like the nigga dammit
[00:27] ExaminedLife: with his craziness and all lol
[00:28] SIXTYNINE: well that's another story
[00:28] SIXTYNINE: for another time, lol
[00:29] ExaminedLife: it's just weird
[00:29] ExaminedLife: and i'm here, and again, as in atlanta
[00:29] ExaminedLife: i can't even really enjoy it
[00:29] ExaminedLife: so what's the point
[00:29] ExaminedLife: i can't even get a damn hit for sex on damn bgc

And that was it. So that is where my mind is right now. Still on damn JG.

Mood: alright

Listening: Searchin' for my soul by Amel Larrieux

Random Quote:

Response:

Musing on Things …

 

Drip, Drip, DRIP. Our faucet has been leaking all DAY, and it's driving me insane. Of course there is close to nothing I can do about it, just one of those things you have to let go. I have been in the "district" for about a week now, and it's been good. The dorms at GW are, well, they definitely leave something to the imagination. Our room was pretty dirty when we got here, but it's starting to feel normal. It's been so hot and humid in the fanless bathroom that my bath towels don't even dry at night. My roommates are all really nice guys, and I love that they aren't psychotic frats or players bringing girls in here every night. What I also enjoy are the walks to work in the morning. Something about a man in a suit, with a well groomed face, and a smug look of self-important. Yeah. Hot. Every morning there are at least 3 guys I see that make that walk in the morning sun worthwhile.

In my job today I thought I was making progress on research project. But after a few talks with my boss and my mentor, I am back to square ONE. It's very frustrating because I have to go back, retrace my whole though process, and come up with a new research question. Meanwhile, I can barely stay awake during our meetings, and I am trying to budget the lunch issue. I don't know how people afford lunch. Like 8 dollars for a sandwich/main items, not including a drink. Maybe I'm cheap, but that is a LOT to me lol. I'm confident that my project will work out, but in the meantime, I have to do quite a bit of leg work to catch up on things. I just wish I had a summer, or a month, where I had absolutely nothing to do or care about. Where I could just relax, and enjoy exploring a new place, with all the time I wanted to relax and just be. That would be paradise lol.

There was this FINE dude working at the Safeway bagging groceries. He had the best lips and that sleepy look in his eye, and developed muscles in his arms with the slightly bulging veins. Yeah, that tease … Knowing my luck he is probably straight . I tend to only find straight men attractive, especially when they are with a woman. I don't know what it is lol, but that is the truth. I am only attracted to men that are straight. I know it's definitely not a rare thing for a gay man to go through, but at the same time unproductive to my development right now. What is it about men that I know to be gay that I don't see as attractive? I think it is that something within them that I see in myself that I don't like. But there are always things in them, bascially gay expectations that I don't see in myself. There are definitely gay norms, and the black gay norms are perhaps even more conflicted. I'm not tall, I'm not athletic, I have a dreadfully average build, yeah. Not much in the looks department, but we all have to make a way, right? How do I attract what I want? How do I even know what I want? The issue is just trying to be more accepting, of my own shortcomings and those of others.

 

Mood: Cool

Listening: Actually watching that Television spin doctor Nancy Grace

Random Quote: Man, you're healthy, your in shape

Response: Oh EV, you are such a tease …

Busting Out?

I was talking to my friend JH on the phone. We were introduced by a mutual friend a while ago. Although I quickly found out (from him) that we are "irreconcilably incompatible," he has being a cool person for me to bounce ideas off of. He is so ready to come out to DC and visit, but I don't know where he would stay. I have three other roommates, and that would be an interesting situation to explain to them, especially since I am not out to them. In fact, the whole "out" status thing has been the subject of most of our conversations as of late. The biggest thing I'm worried about is how I actually do it, and how I navigate my relationships, especially with my roommates if they know this information. Do I have to hear them in hushed conversations talking about "sissies" and whatnot that would (hopefully) abruptly end as I enter the room? I don't know how to deal with all of that.

I don't know how to define myself as a gay men, because I'm still confused on a lot of things. What about being a black man? A man in general? An only child? I have so many different categories for myself, yet none fit me well, nor do I know have to wear any of them adequately. I don't know how to dress, I don't play basketball, I am very soft-spoken, I can be a loner. Does that make me bad or strange or just different, or just lik everybody else. I have spent much time worrying or deliberating on how to stay positive and just be myself. How many times have I written that? lol

Mood: good

Listening: Liar by Madcon    

Random Quote:

Response:

Quick Update

Went out to this place called Busboy's and Poets on U St., but it was so damn crowded we couldn't get in. The more time I spend in D.C., the more I like it here. Not nearly as many black people as in Atlanta, but you get all kinds here. It's not as segregated to be. There were lots of gays, blacks, whites, latinos, you can find a little of everything here. Even during the day walking to work, you see professions in suits and polos of every persuasion, there is an energy in the air that makes you pumped and feel connected. Of course, I have yet to meet anybody that could be a summer buddy for me, but I'm going to try to find somebody out here. Too many dudes out here for me not to at the very least make a friend. But knowing me, that's what would happen.

After walking around trying to find a place (half the group was under 21 grrr …), half of us just went to this Spanish type bar for drinks. I got this thing called a Metropolitan. Wow, could I be any more gay. Whatever it was, it had me pretty loose, like I didn't directly do anything stupid, but were it another group of people it would have been another story lol. Right now, it's like, I don't know if I should or should not tell people about me being gay. Sometimes, women have an expectation that you should be always trying to court them, especially when you go out. I don't know. I was ready to have fun, I know that lol. It didn't really happen last night though.

I'm still thinking about damn JG. I don't know why, but I am. I hate the idea of losing anything, especially a friend, with what few I do have. To be honestly, I never felt totally myself around him, and I think he only tolerated me because I reminded him of his ex boyfriend. It's tiring to be around people that only see you and pigeonhole you into one definition: the nerd. Even my close friends do this. I am immediately a nerd, meaning I can't dance, I have no swag, I'm not that cool. Damn I hate that. People might surprise you if you give them a chance, me included. JG did that shit all the time with his smart ass comments about me. I have sent too many unresponded texts and calls to not know that he basically just told me deuces lol. But damn if that sucks. We talked almost everyday since like October. The fact that he could just as easily cut that off says a lot I guess. Nobody said this was a friendly or happy life, but I don't want it to be a lonely one. So many other things going on, so why can't I get somebody that obvious doesn't give a care about me out of my mind. I guess I had a crush on that yellow mf. K

 

Mood: Ok

Listening: "Beggin'" by Madcon

Random Quote: Dude you got a Hangover - roommate

Response: Not from one drink, but I got my lil buzz going

Letting Go of the B.S.

Internalizing my emotions is a big problem for me. Sometimes, I get so angry, or sad, or at those RARE times happy, but it is all contained. Often, it's like the people that I thought I was close to are the ones that let me down. The feeling starts and grows in my head and takes over how I feel and my whole persona. Like, all of a sudden I have a weight put around my chest. Sometimes, it makes me want to holler out loud!

I asked my "friend" JG to take me to the airport tomorrow (well, later this morning), and perhaps spend some time with him this weekend. I asked him about this over a week in advance, twice, and both times I asked him if he had anything to do, and he said he didn't. I get home from the airport today, and he calls and says he will be there in an hour. Mind you, this is after I had walked down the terminal, taken the train, got through baggage, and I am at the curb. So I tell him I will take a cab to the townhouse, because I needed to change out my bags. I was online in Detroit for a week, while I will be in D.C. for two months. So I needed a lot more bags.

JG texted me and said maybe it would be easier if I had more time to pack and that he could come later. It was only going to take me a few minutes to repack and be ready to go. Then he tells me over the phone that he had a cookout and a dinner party to go to, and he needed to shower and get ready. So, my choices were for him to come get me now, or wait until after he was finished with all of his activities. I relented and just said ok I'll wait. So, every time I go to JG's house, he falls asleep. So I am just sitting in the living room twiddling my thumbs like, OKAY …. I later (10 pm) sent him a text and said that I would just take a cab in the morning and that he wouldn't have to come pick up me. And it starts.

So he says "Not everything can go your way. I told you I had other things to do. Why you throwing a tantrum." Then I responded that he had only told me today about his busy social calendar. And he then said, that I was rude and that I was bitching about nothing and all this stuff. I was infuriated. I literally had to shout out loud, and I am still mulling over the emotions of what happened. What I hate about in my dealings with JG is that he is infalliable and I am always wrong. I criticize him, I throw tantrums, I am bitchy, I am PMsing, and he just cruises through everything as Mr. Nice Guy.

I know now in reflection that he was going to do me a favor, so I just should have been patient and waited. But if he was so busy, why couldn't he have just told me that before and not tried to mask what he was doing. I understand that if anything is not beneficial to him, he does not prioritize it. Especially concerning me. That much I understand. But damn, you could at least maybe consider that I also matter, that I always don't need to be attacked by him. I feel like I can't depend on him for anything.

The further I go along, I feel like I can't seem to trust or let anyone into my life. Eventually, everyone either just makes me really angry or disappoints me. I know the theory that if you have a problem with everyone, they aren't the problem, it's you. The farther I go along with others, they seem to trust me less and less. With JG, there have been times where he invited me to go to the gym with him or out with his friends. And both times I either declined or he judged that I'm not a good person to do those things with.

I don't know, this sucks. I don't have anybody at this point that I can depend on, that sees me as a resource to be valued, nor do I have anybody I value in that respect. I guess I have to do that for myself first. It's so disheartening because I feel like the people I know don't have the time or energy to put up with me, and on the flipside, I push them further away. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment, and general malaise. I hate that I always feel like I am always having to apologize. What is my issue? That everything and everyone that takes importance in my life, I am in conflict with.

Mood: Grumpy

Listening: Get on up by Jodeci

Random Quote:

Response:

Same ol’ Same ol’ …

It's cold in Michigan. I'm mean, it's June and it's cold in this piece. I had to run back to the room today and turn on the heat. LOL. I have been spoiled by Los Angeles and Atlanta weather, both mild compared to the rest of the country. But today was an okay day. Full of lectures from professors, I mean, we sat in the same building for 10 hours today. I was nodding off by 2, I couldn't make it.

Since one of my goals is to learn to be sociable and attempt some of my social awkwardness, I "endured" this evening of going to a bar to drink beer. The program I am doing is full of environmentally minded people. The outdoorsy, hippie types that surf, and backpack, run 6 miles in the morning (my roommate), and travel to Kilimanjaro and East India to save the world. I know that these are exactly the type of people that I complain aren't at Morehouse. But to a degree, I just feel so dwarfed by them. I don't know. They see and do so much more than I do. What, I study and feel depressed and go to Atlantic Station. That's the sum of my life outside of class. I often don't feel very interesting or know what to see. In fact, I often just lie, because I don't have anything else to say.

This has been one of my greatest challenges. Just to go out with a group of my peers. It's just about the hardest thing for me to do. I wish it wasn't. This great negative anticipation I attach to these casual situations is RIDICULOUS. Yet I do it every time. It is so hard for me to just be natural, retain a positive outlook. Instead, those thoughts of self-doubt come in, and I feel myself being too quiet, stumbling over my words, laughing too loudly and insecurely. Like, I'm afraid people will see something they don't like, and all I see in them are things that I don't like.

I'm going to start meditating. I need to do something to start quieting my mind and setting things start. The reason I am so unsettled is that I never take the time to reflect back on this, and realize half the bullshit I feel I create and delude myself with. That's the hardest thing to realize. I know I don't have that animal magnetism and charisma that some people have. In fact, I am like a natural deterrent. There is a cute dude that is well spoken (check) and he went to Harvard (check), and he is so nice. I don't even know what to say or how to approach him. And it was probably wishful thinking on my part, but I swear I saw him smile at me during lunch. I could have fallen out then and there. Well, two days down, 6 to go. Please God, let him be GAY lol. Tell me I am not crushing on a str8 boy AGAIN. Damn if that doesn't happen every day.

Mood: chilly

Listening: Runnin' by Pharcyde

Random Quote: none

Response: Ok, let's fix this thing called catchingupat20 …