Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thinking Back

I took a much needed (at least in my mind J ) personal day today. The past week has been meetings, events, studying, exercising, moving stuff, and a lot of wasting time too, but mostly working. I went to the SafeSpace meeting a few days ago. This campus group that is supposed to be the speaking voice for all SGL students. Going to this meeting and seeing the energy and confidence of the new crop of gays at the school made me reflect on my experience here. The first time I had attended a SafeSpace meeting was way back in sophomore year. It was a lively meeting and the topic was basically "where do we go from here," and discuss what should students and Morehouse affirming alumni be doing to promote gay issues. At that point in my life, I was so scared of being found out or discovered that I said nothing doing the whole meeting. Even going to Morehouse, if you choose to shield yourself and hide away, you can easily coast through the school not knowing anyone. I did that. I have spent the better part of four years here thinking that I was different and therefore better than major of the people here. I thought that since I was shy and less able to converse with others and put on airs, that I was preserving some uniqueness within myself that elevated me above those around me. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you close off the rest of the world. Now I know how foolish I was and how much I allowed myself to miss out on as a part of the black college experience. True, I may not have wanted to come here in the first place, but I certain could have made it a more personal and fulfilling experience.

The topic of the meeting was the overstated conflict of homophobia and the church. Ok, even somebody as uninvolved as me is tired of hearing about this one. I mean, really guys? But it was fun to go to the meeting and see some new groups of students. Somebody said in the meeting that each new freshman class of gays are more out and comfortable and flamboyant than the last. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that idea, but it is true that the class of 2013 (omg, that sounds so far away when it isn't …) is a lot more open and active than the ones that I have known. SafeSpace seems to have come back with the bang, and surprisingly has a lot of straight members now, at least in the facebook group. I am excited to get to know more people in the group, and to have an organization like this.

A long time I felt like I was the man on the moon at Morehouse. I wanted to believe that I was somehow fundamentally different from everything that goes into the "Morehouse mystique." But, I am part of that. I am an individual, opinionated, difficult, and complex, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than anybody else at school. I have to let go of the fear of people seeing me as who I am, and hearing what I have to say. I have to be open enough to hear and see others as well, beyond face value.

Mood: Good

Listening: "Already Home," Jay-Z feat. Kid Cudi, "The Glow of Love" by Change feat. Luther Vandross

Random Quote: "No no, they already don't like you, the question is, what are you going to do about it?"

Response: Keep living, breathing, changing and growing.