Saturday, May 30, 2009

Back to LA

L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean catchingupat20; I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry; in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm going to take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way. I have a lot of things I want. Confidence, Social Skills, personal Style, Fitness, Relationships, Money, Health, the list goes on and on and on lol. But, I'm going to look at it one day at a time. And do what I can, without rushing or anticipating things and ruining the moment.


Mood: Good

Listening: Saudade Vem Correndo by Stan Getz

Random Quote: "All I remember about the dude was that he had Size 17 feet" – OLDGIRL, smiling

Response: *eyeroll* of course that's all YOU remember …

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