I'm sitting here, watching Tiny and Toya, and I'm thinking: if these women can really get it together, why can't I (LOL)? I flew back into Atlanta from DC confused and exhausted. I was confused because I am entering my SENIOR year of college. I have to decide, and fairly quickly decide where I am going to end up next year. I have no idea even on what city I want to live in, what career I really want to see myself in, who I want to be in the next 5, 10 + years. It's scary. Since I there is no blueprint, no one steady or right path to take, but I don't want to take one that leads toward disappointment or regret. That much, I do know.
Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have had opportunities to "hook up" with men in Atlanta. It's funny to think about how just 4 months ago, I turned my nose up at people that did the online sex thing, and here I am wading waist deep in the waters of BGClive and adam4adam. Is it right? I don't know. I have been with a thug, an intellectual, a mechanic, a teacher, and CDC number cruncher. These are all artificial, arbitrary labels, and none of them are all-encompassing. I met these guys for at the most 4 hours, and we didn't exactly have soul-searching discussions. I know that for me, sex is good. No, sex is great lol. Contact with a man, being touched and felt and kissed and more is an amazing experience, each time feels different, and surprises you. I also need intimate contact. I need you to look into my eyes, and kiss me passionately and feel down my back and across all of my limbs and protruding parts. I need you to take an active role with me, please don't sit back and lay there, and expect me to kiss and suck and ride while you barely do anything. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! I shouldn't have to tell you to do that!
I didn't have the opportunity to top, but I have bottomed (safely of course), and each time it was a painful experience, like really painful. The tops were rough, really rough. It's a trip to go to the bathroom half an hour after having anal sex and seeing BLOOD. That was scary, really scary. I don't know if I can only do it with someone that I really trust, or if I need to learn some special pelvic exercises or what. I kind of assumed that since I am short, it's expected that I'm supposed to bottom, and I assumed it was supposed to feel good, but, in the times I have done it, it has not. This is a superficial concern, but in the future I will be more aggressive in stating what I want and try to relax more. I don't think I will be patrolling these sites anymore. I'm the type of person that has an addictive person, and I could easily see myself setting these casual encounters on a near daily basis. That would be a pitiful state of being, and an unproductive (not to mention unsafe) means of personal development.
When I ask others about my concerns toward sex, I get the typical answers. MONEY&SEX says you just lay on your stomach and it doesn't hurt at all. All I can do there is roll my eyes, I'm not going there with him. I hate talking to him or SIXTYNINE about these types of things, because they always come off so smug and stuff. I get very sensitive whenever it comes to these issues about sex and relationships. The people I know always have the right answer, like I should do this or that, and if I don't I'm strange. MONEY&SEX told me that the fact that I have had such few partners is strange and I am at a detriment because I don't have more sex. The man that friends people on facebook just to see if they are potential hookups. Let me live the way I see fit.
I'm starting to come to a better definition on how I see sex and relationships through these causal encounters. More than ever, I see that I need to RELAX, be willing to open my mouth and talk to people, and stop expecting and comparing. Nobody is worried about me other than me. I can be envious of people all day, I can hope that every man I see will be some prince charming, but that doesn't do anything but set me up to be disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointment, awkward moments, all of the emotions that I subject myself to out of my own insecurities with myself in interacting with others.