Smart(er) Growth: 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010

Feel

I broke up with DREX. He asked me if I really wanted to be in a relationship with him. Was my uncertainty that obvious! *sigh* he deserves more than i can give at this point. I don't know if I'm capable of connecting with anybody ... So lost in my own head and disconnected from life. I hope soon I will find somebody and feel passion and emotion toward them. But I won't be able to do that until I like myself.

DREX I'm sorry I led you on the way I did, and I wish you well. With your energy and personality I'm sure you will find what you are looking for.

Meanwhile, I learn the hard lesson of not knowing myself or being confident in myself ... I'm scared for the future. I always push people away from me out of fear and misunderstanding. I do need to be in a relationship, but I think DREX was better emotionally equipped and self confidence enough to carry through with it. I am still wading through the same immaturity and fears. This is hard.

I hope, before it's too late. I find somebody whom I can love and feel emotional toward without fear ... Or of it will ever happen

Dour thoughts, but I'm just musing in my head why I keep messing up.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Renew

I'm in a relationship with somebody. A sweet guy that I'm going to call here DREX. DREX and I met at a random event on campus, and I have to admit, he is younger. MUCH younger. DREX is a freshman at a nearby school. He goes to the fratboy and house parties, he does hookah bars with friends, he's still learning about college and what he wants to do with his life. We kind of fell into this "thing" together, but I don't know where it's going or what it's expected. Problem number 1: Little Communication. DREX and I have a lot of sex. A LOT. It's mostly a sexual relationship, and this is strange but I'm ok with that right now (Yes, I know). I'm so busy with school and getting my career networking jumping off and based on past experience, or lack thereof, that my expectations of finding anybody nice were gone. I didn't expect to meet anybody really. I like him. And he likes me. He's not crazy, has a good head on his shoulders (engineering major and in ROTC) and he actually enjoys spending time with me.

The issue I'm grappling from yesterday is how to reconcile being a good guy. I have been messing up with school, there is something in me that seems to want me to fail. It's scary and depressing but I have yet to get the mind over matter to deal with it. I will spend hours listening to music to escape the sinking feeling that comes when I think about it, just to numb myself. I love this field, I had dreamed and prayed to get into a great graduate program. By the grace of God and good luck I did. But now, I'm continually shirking off work, fading into the background in class discussion, and find myself running away so that I do not have to deal with my own small failures. I have let in the same demons and negativity hinder my progress like they did at Morehouse. How did I come to such a pass? Oh, the warning signs were there. Shirk a project here, avoid a reading there, eventually it builds into an inertia of being unproductive, then panicking at the 11^th hour to finish. How do I get out of this mess? Renew.

DREX is awesome, and I wish we had met in another time in my life. I don't think I'm ready or able to give enough of myself and be the guy he deserves. I haven't cheated, but I'm not all the way there with him. It's painful for me to think about it, but damn I'm not a "good person" right now. Blog, I have done some awful things in the past, things that tested my own sense of morality. I have these goals of being one of the "good ones," The ones that have a nice personality, confident and sexy without being arrogant, not over their heads in drama, with a strong core of friends and either in a stable relationship or happy and single. I think that these are attainable, but I have to build the willpower to do so. Mind over matter.

I don't know what to tell DREX, but I at least want to communicate with him about what our status is and what we expect from each other. Do I feel a passion for DREX? no. But at this point, I'm afraid that I am so numb to the world and to myself, that I can't feel a passion for anything or anyone. In the past, I have felt strongly for people, but that seems to always coincide with somebody that DIDN'T want me. Here I have somebody that calls me "baby" and I'm ready to do a Kanye shrug. Something is seriously wrong with that.

I'm going to be blogging more, because I need a greater level of self-assessment to stay on track and help me break against the dark, empty places in myself. I can't keep doing the same BS thinking that things will change. I have to change. I have to renew.

Friday, November 26, 2010

My Drama-Filled Thanksgiving

Hi blog. I know it's been a while. I haven't done much self-reflecting lately, but recent events require it.

I left Philly to spend Thanksgiving with my mentor, JG. He lives near Lincoln Park in DC. I was excited to get out of Philadelphia for a while to experience my favorite city. I had worked in DC in the summer of 2009 and fell in love with the city – the neighborhoods, the architecture, the professional culture, and the monuments – bliss lol. Once I arrived, JG abruptly informed me that his "husband" would be joining us. Husband? Wait? HOLD UP? JG and I haven't been as close as we were in the past, so I had no idea about this "husband".

I rode the Mega Bus down to DC Tuesday night. JG picked me up, and we headed out to pick up his "husband" Kenny. Now JG is educated, Ivy League and HBCU graduate. He has worked in government for the past 8 years, and now makes a handsome salary working as a point person on important national level projects. Career wise he has done very well for himself. Now Kenny … JG met Kenny in Atlanta in 2008, they had had some hard times then, and I assumed that JG had let him go. I was shocked to find out that not only had JG continued to date Kenny, but Kenny also moved up to DC. They weren't living together, yet they had built a relationship together. Kenny is from Florida, and works at Best Buy (no shade against people that those words describe, that is literally EVERYTHING I know about Kenny). My first impression of him was that he had been through something. You know when you meet some people and they just appear shell-shocked? Well Kenny appeared far gone. Frankly, I was surprised and disappointed that JG was dating HIM. In a later discussion, he told me "back2life, I'm tired. I have spent my adult life working HARD to get to where I am. And nobody ever notices. I want somebody for myself." Well, who am I to judge?

So Wednesday went well, JG started cooking for tomorrow's dinner that night. Thanksgiving morning, apparently they had had an argument, and I could sense a lot of tension between JG and Kenny. JG had texted me to talk to Kenny, who then proceeded to try and leave. I talked to Kenny, not to reason with him, but just small talk to ease the tension, and it did. They finished the rest of the cooking for the day, and we ate with a pretty good vibe between all. After we were all sufficiently full, JG, still somewhat mad at Kenny, was going to drop him off at home, and come back. When he returned, he had this look of despair and trouble in his face.

Kenny and JG got into altercation in the car, with Kenny attempting to open the passenger door and go out into traffic. James wanted Kenny to get out, but not like that. He managed to keep him in the car until he rode up to his house. They continued to argue and Kenny then put his finger in JG's face and said he wasn't leaving the car. JG then opens the passenger door and grabs Kenny by the throat demanding that he leave the car, and Kenny obliged him. I heard this story through tears as JG struggled to tell me how their relationship had been his emotional hell over the past two years. For him, Kenny continually complained of his miserable new DC life and seemed unable to find any direction or "fresh start" here. JG was tired. He had yet to break into the socially stratified DC scene, particularly for black gay men. His loneliness and sense of low self-worth compelled him (in his words) to tolerate Kenny, neglecting work and other personal goals to attempt to attend to his needs. He didn't tell me the full story, but I understood that my initial misgivings about Kenny were not unfounded.

Later that night, I was downstairs at JG's house watching "The Beyonce Experience," and there was a ring at the door, then loud knocks. Kenny, in a rage, angrily demanded that JG "bring his faggot ass outside. Be a man ..." and loads more I dare not repeat. JG is on the phone talking to … somebody and I am now started to get scared. Then Kenny runs to the side of the house and is banging on the kitchen window. At this point, I'm freaked out, I put my shoes on, grab my coat. I'm texting SIXTYNINE at this time, and he's like "Get out of there," which I do consider, but I did not want to leave JG in such a pass (although, I admittedly would not be much help from a fighting stand point) Then Kenny strangely walks off down the street. At this point, I'm confused, nervous, and I agree with JG that he should call the police. Strangely enough, Kenny returns and starts banging on the door again, and the cops arrive in time to ward him off. The officer takes JG's information, and she gives him a big hug and says "you are worth more than this."

To keep it short: JG made a BAD choice. I understand that he has worked hard in his career to get to this point, but he finds himself lacking in the social life department (as I often find myself). Kenny, although unmatched to JG in aspiration and background, helped JG fulfill a void in his life – a boo. So many gay men are in search of the elusive boo. We want him to be the internet ideal, you know, like those likely straight models whose pictures we all swoon over online or those boys when know from work, school or just around that seem to have it all. Although JG is older than me, I don't think he has left this ideal behind yet. And I think he fell so far from what he wanted and deserved that he settled for someone that, education and background aside, was a socially and mentally deficient person. Kenny knew that JG was his superior in more ways than one, and JG did too. How you can date somebody for a year and not trust to bring them in your own house is beyond me, but JG DID.

I haven't fully analyzed what happened here, but I do know that JG provides a good example for me on what not to do. JG is an awesome guy in my opinion, and it was painful for me to see him go through this traumatic situation and break down and cry before the police and myself. I hope it doesn't come to that for me. I aspire to have fulfilling, honest relationships with people that are mentally stable and trustworthy. I just have yet to find many examples of well-adjusted older gay men … particularly BLACK gay men.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Date w/Drexel

To keep it short. I just went on a cool date with a freshman from Drexel. We just chilled and ate fries at Phily Diner, then walked around campus. He's in the Air Force ROTC, is a break dancer, and plays 4 instruments. Random, I know, I hope this leads to something. He's a cool kid, attractive, and smart, but I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing or think too much into it after one casual first date. It's so VERY rare that I meet people, let alone ones that seem to be interested in me. This was a great end to a long day. I feel good about it J

Thursday, October 7, 2010

… Better in Time

These young men that have been thrown out in the media – that have ended their lives to escape the pain and frustration of their sexuality, you all are me, and I am you. It's true when they said that "loneliness is like a heartbeat that drives you mad." Much of my youth was plagued by feelings of despair of the person that I was. Gay, short, not attractive, unathletic, black, dark … I could have listed a million things that made me hate who I was and fear that I was barred from future happiness. So I wish that me or anyone could have reached out to you, consoled and mentored you. Someone to let you know that you are fine and that anybody else's idea of normal is a twisted, flimsy fantasy that is more transparent than the insults and the lies.

There are so much people in our society, in our cities, and even our families that are alone. They feel like they don't have anyone to share themselves with or anyone to see the value within them. Those feelings were magnified in the young men that took their lives, but they are in many of us dealing with issues in our lives. There is so much coming at us through media, religion, or the values of our society that tells us to walk a narrow line and define ourselves by what someone else deem appropriate. I think we have to learn that there is no such thing as appropriate; we have to define ourselves for ourselves. No one can provide the answer or heal us until we undergo the work to heal ourselves first.

If you are suffering and feel the pain of isolation in the mess of daily life, take a moment to breath. Tell yourself that you are human, you have a light, and you are deserving of love, from others and more importantly from yourself. Don't live behind your fears, anxiety and self-hatred. Let it go and begin to live. I'm still learning these lessons myself, it doesn't get easier, but it does get better in time.

The Good Life

In 20 years' time, I want to be living in a large east coast city, downtown, in a refurbished loft with my partner and my three kids. I want to be an authority in my field, somebody who's inputs, ideas, and name will be something people want to be attached to. I don't know exactly where these upper-middle class liberal aspirations come from, but I know that I do want these things for myself. Part of it comes from where I grew up (LA) and who I went to high school with (sons and daughters of wealthy West LA folk). I read articles online that talk a lot about the increasing levels of income inequality in this country; they haven't been higher since the days of the Carnegies and Rockefellers. A part of me knows that I should be fighting for equity, to ensure that people that look like me aren't regulated into even more poverty and disempowerment in the future. But the other part, wants to be a part of that upper echelon that dines at expensive restaurants, summers in Spain, jets to India and China for business, and can afford all the luxuries that come with wealth.

Wealth to me is more than just luxury, it is freedom. Both my parents' families migrated to California from the South. My dad's family was poor migrant farmers, so poor that my grandmother developed a lifelong heart condition from the extreme malnourishment she experienced as a child. My mother's family was from poor neighborhoods in Georgia, as young adults they came to Atlanta for education, and then made the further jump to life in San Diego for jobs and less racial oppression. It's been a road of progress. My father was the first in his family to attend college, and my mom continued to receive a degree from the same school that my grandfather was unable to finish at. I realize now as I grow and mature, the hard road they had to climb in the 50s through the 80s to get where they are today. My parents afforded me a relatively easy childhood (sans that whole gay thing lol), and I don't know how I would have ended up were we in a different situation.

I admit that I am an elitist. I know that this posts reeks of up, and I apologize for my partial views of the importance of wealth. One of the driving influences in my life has been a desire to do better than my parents have done. All my life, people told me I was different, for good and bad reasons. I started to believe them, and I started to expect that things would happen to be because I was somehow better than the kids around me. This misplaced belief in my own superiority, which I hold deep within me, shielded me a lot from the ridicule and estrangement I experienced in school.

Humility has greatly diminished by own feeling of self-superiority, but it has not diminished my desire for wealth. But now, I am expanding that definition to include friends, career, and spirituality – things that make for a well-rounded human experience. I want to believe that these things are attainable, that I can build a name for myself in planning, make money, while maintaining a peaceful and loving home environment with a man that I love and children that inspire me. Perhaps my bourgeois dreams are closer to that of a young straight white woman that of a young gay black male, but they are still mine.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I Will Walk the Line

"Whether you're high or low, you've got to tip on the tightrope …"

I have been grappling for the last few days over what concentration I want to take and what direction I ultimately want to take in my career. I finally decided on the Community and Economic Development concentration, because it has many topics that are of interest to me, and I think it would be good preparation for either law or (more) grad school.

I have this horrible issue of being LATE to class, which I'm sure is very noticeable when you are one of two persons of color in a lecture of 70. I'm really going to work on that. One of my goals while I'm here is to be a "superstudent." I wasn't one at Morehouse. I went to class and went home. I felt no inclination to interact with the majority of my Morehouse "brothers" for reasons I don't want to go into here. I'm going to step up my efforts and make school first.

My last two years of college I wasted a lot of time. I did not work on my in-person social skills, I let my daily emotional stability base from whether or not someone attractive sent me a message. I will say that I have chatted with a lot of stereotypical gay men, but also a few that seemed different and interesting enough to meet and/or date. I picked up the bad habit of having a short attention span in people, and brushing them off easily. No way to live. No life to grow from.

I think what I have learned up to this point, is that I have to really work on being emotionally calm, not getting too worked up every things that don't matter. If he doesn't message or text, it's not the end of the world, and it's not an indictment on my personality, looks, or self-worth

Monday, September 20, 2010

Left on a Jet Plane …

Throwback from June 2009. Wow.

"L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean, I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry, in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm gonna take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way."

Mood: anxious

Listening: Hardball with Chris Matthews

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Brief Thought

One thing I have learned thus far: how you think vastly shapes how you experience life, and whatever endeavor you choose requires all of the effort you can muster.

Mood: Hazy
Listening: "We Live in Brooklyn, Baby" by Roy Ayers
Random Quote: You have a cute smile, why don't you show it?
My Response: Because you can see my mile deep crows feet when I do LOL

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hey There!

Hello all. It's been a long time coming, but I am going to revive my blog. Eventually, I want to find a better template, but for now I will keep this form. For this entry, I want to reflect on a letter I wrote to myself senior of high school, that a teacher mailed back to be recently. Here is what me @18 had to say to me @22

Dear old guy,

Hey man, it's the old Lamont coming out of high school. Right now, life is pretty uncertain. Going to Morehouse and I'm just hoping that it is the right choice. But is right for me right now? So you have closed yourself from numerous experiences of high school and often feel angered by your circumstance. I know that up to 18, I have been having a hard time in figuring out what type of person I am. Hopefully, you will have made a name for yourself by now. And I hope you are happy. I hope you have a fulfilling life, someone who you love & loves you, and still get satisfaction from helping people. Keep your head up and push forward. 10 years (you mean 4) years in the past, I believe in you.

Wow, teared up a little as I wrote that because I hadn't really accomplished any of that yet … But I'm definitely in a better and stronger place than I was

Monday, July 26, 2010

How many guys have you dated?

just the current one ... #latebloomer