So today, OLDGIRL is just trying me because I can't come to appreciate her personality and everything she does. She talks a lot, she plays the TV too loud, she doesn't put stuff up, she tries to have the upper hand with me everyday. It's CRAZY. I mean, I knew we weren't compatible to live together, and I told her and my parents this, but they were like"Oh, no. You need to get close to your cousin and learn to live with other people." Ok, and it's been just over a year, and I still really can't stand her. Well, I get tired of other people in general, but I just can't stand her a lot. Just because she started going to the gym recently she thinks she knows everything about fitness, and is trying to get me to go the gym with her so she can best me, and show me everything she knows ... God I hate that. I usually avoid going to the gym with her, because I hate people telling me what do. When I have a set plan for what I want (for myself), and people come in and try to change it up, that shit pisses me to the core.
So I did end up at the gym, and it was filled with a lot, I mean, a LOT of fine ass black men. I just want to get in and out, but damn if it's hard because of all the distractions, with activate my own insecurity. I recognized a long time ago that I don't have a healthy view of my own masculinity, in the sense that I generally feel insecure around men I perceive to as better men than myself, at least physically. So, I got all nervous and I didn't even finish my workout, because I was definitely nervous about what I was supposed to be doing and that prevented me from getting a good workout. I get nervous about doing the exercises right, wondering who is watching me and laughing because I use weak ass weights or because of my height or inexperience. I know that I deserve to be there, and everybody has to start somewhere, but damn if I always get that feeling. I wish I had some kind of workout partner to take the edge off and makes things easier for me, but I don't.
I hate that more often than not, I am alone. I know that it is 80% my own fault, and I'm working on getting better in relating to other people. I have a lot of work to do in that respect. But still, I can't shake the feeling that there's nobody out there that truly wants my friendship, my time, my respect, and somebody that I can get those things from as well. I'm going to work on my list of things that I want in my life, and I'm going to create a Vision Board, because at this point, I have very little of what I thought I should at this point, and that is unacceptable. I really don't want to end up alone, but I have such a hard time relating to other people, because I don't understand them, and I don't understand myself. I have to get some fight about myself.
Mood: Just Aiight
Listening: Nothing, just a loud football game in the background, courtesy of OLDGIRL
Random Quote: "My eardrum, I think I really blew it out."
My Response: None, but I want to roll my eyes.