Saturday, November 15, 2008

Get Real

One thing that I need to wean myself off of is texting. I tend to text A LOT, at least 60+ messages a day. I'm been texting PRIVATEPLAN as well as BIGGIERICH a lot, and the strange conversations we have on there is clue enough for me that it's not a good thing. It's too easy to be misinterpreted, cut out of the conversation, and be braver in your comments. Depending on the people I am with, I tend to be pretty reserved (or, at least I'd to think of myself that way) in terms of face-to-face interactions. But through text messaging or IM, that's a whole other story. I get really sarcastic and mean. I say things I wouldn't say in public or in private because I get this feeling of anonymity, even though all the people I text with I know.
In the week, I began to realize that a lot of the things I do are unneccesary and really unhelpful in the long run. "Shoot myself in the foot, then try to run a marathon" is what my dad always tells me. One of those things is false hope. No, I'm not talking about hope in the grand sense, but just in terms of men. Atlanta is full of attractive black men, gay, straight and everything in between. My issue is that the childish, fickle part of myself holds this strange hope that some fine man will sweep me off my feet and be everything that I think I need. Anytime I see a man that I am attracted to, I feel that nervous excitement. I try not to be obvious and make an ass out of myself. But that's bad. I have to realize that if you want something to happen, be it just sex for the night or a longterm relationship, you have to put out to the world you want that, and go for it. It will never come to you. I also realize that not every man is gay or sgl, and even then, there's no guarentee they are interested in me.. It's hard to do this, considering where I go to school, and the city I'm in, but I have to try. It's not realistic or healthy for me to hope for something that may never happen. I want to believe in the Secret and get what I desire, no what I DESERVE, but i have to be prepared if that doesn't happen.
So yesterday was pretty uneventful. I was running around trying to get registration straight for next year, and of course I had a few problems. I was able to FINALLY pick up my checks for work, and got to hang with BIGGIERICH for a bit. I'm starting to really admire in the sense of what he has done for himself. Basically he finished school by himself, and starting buying property through saving his own money. The man works 50 jobs, and goes to school and is Mr. GOP (more on that later ...). I hope to be like that when I get older. Financial security is important, but most people in my career track are exactly breaking the bank, unless they go into politics, work for a university, or get popular when they are extremely old. So, for now, I'm not focused on getting a man. I've gone this far without one (that is both good and bad, mostly bad), so I will forge ahead, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Mood: Ready to Work
Listening: "St. Thomas" by Sonny Rollins
Random Quote: "Alonely Negro is mean spirited, sardonic, and ... eats babies
My Response: Maybe the first two, but that last one is sketchy. I like kids, but not that much ...

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