Today, I got up late, and tried to rush out of here to get to the library. I have a side project that I am working on for school, so I wanted to check out a few books on the subjects. I have always liked the library, but it seems like I never really find what I need in there. Sure, they have thousands of great books and stuff, but not what I need necessarily. Instead of the local library, I thought I would try out the Central Library Downtown. It's a really cool building, but it is such a hassle to get there. I should have taken the bus instead of paying $15 to park and sit in traffic for hours to get there and back. And it was a strange experience unto itself. The librarians weren't too helpful, and they always seem to be slightly annoyed or dismayed about something. One did try her best to help me, but only pointed me in the direction of books that were already checked out. NO computers were available, and I saw people using them for everything from looking up porn, to watching Star Wars online. There was a strange smell in parts of it, the same smell I remember from walking through the older parts of New York and Boston (the North End). It's a public place, but still a harrowing experience.
BLACKFRAT called and noticed that I had clicked on "not attending" for a party held tonight by a mutual friend that we went to high school with. I debated on going to the party, because this is something that would have helped me in the long run. Although my first instinct was to brush it off, I knew it would probably be better to go. I have spent so much of my life avoid uncomfortable situations, dodging informal interaction with people, and denying myself a more diverse array of experiences. In the end we didn't go, because I am well below the age requirement, and BLACKFRAT didn't feel like paying $20 for a birthday party. But the next time a situation comes up, I'm not going to shy away as always. I have to participate. The only way I can make these things less weird, is to put myself out there more and more. I know that now, and I'm starting to feel a little more confident about myself in that respect.
Went out to Calendar's and saw 4 Christmas with two friends from elementary school. We have known each other for years and had fun looking at old yearbooks from when we were in 3rd and 4th grade. It was so crazy to see that stuff. This was the typical big city public school. Majority minority, every class had a minimum of 40 students, black top playground, and plenty of bad, foul mouthed kids (myself included). We used to think so much of ourselves, that we knew so much and looked to reaching the 8th grade as some magical boundaries. I saw the 8th graders as the pinacle of adulthood, the big kids, the leaders of the school. There were so many people we lost touch with, so many that have gone on to college, had children, and sadly, a few that didn't make it. That school was a lot of things for me. It really affected the way I view myself in relation to others, and at times was a public nightmare and a private hell. But I also received attention from some caring and wonderful teachers that saw something in me and pushed me to do more.
In a pivotal scene of the movie, Reese Witherspoon's father sat her down and talked to her about honesty. He gave her some quote akin to "the truth will set you free," I wish I could remember exactly what he had said. The words struck a chord with me. I really hate being fake, lying, doing anything that isn't authentic to who I am. Yet, I often find it easily to hide behind appearances, tell people what they want to hear, and try to make myself seem more important.
Mood: Spent
Listening: "Hey Ya!" by Andre 3000
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