I'm sitting here in the library, at the beginning of the end of the semester, and I realize that I am at a new point in my life. I came out to myself, just last year, a few days after my birthday, and I can say that I am in very different place personally, socially and emotionally than I was at the same time last year. I am trying to understand what it means for me to be gay – everything from sex, to dating, to friendship, to intimacy, and it is really challenging to figure out how I should make it work. Should I be out and proud, wearing a t-shirt that was sperm dumpster and sport the rainbow on the back of my car. Should I hold back, understanding that many people around and close to me will not appreciate this side of myself? Should I be having a "ho-phase," and get that nightclub, partying, sex experience that I have not taken part, unlike my straight peers? Or should I look to be in a stable relationship, and try to find somebody to build something with, despite all the cynical but often true stereotypes about gay men, particularly black gay men?
There's a lot of things I will eventually have to step back and examine, but I feel good. I'm not great, I'm still going through the same issues with my own shyness, self-absorption and anger/anxiety. I still have very little patience for others. I still let my anger get the best of me at times. Sometimes, I feel a great anxiety within myself, and sometimes I feel nothing. All I know is that I am changing, growing in to the person that I am going to be.
I had a very interesting encounter with SIXTYNINE and of his favorite closet cases (but definitely not one of mine), and I'll call him FANCYSLIM. FANCYSLIM is as the name suggests, a slightly more effeminate, but intensely smart gay man that is clinically in the closet. And when I say this I mean that he has a mental issue with his homosexuality that goes beyond anything I could understand. He is about 6'3'', dresses well, and takes himself very seriously. One thing about him is that he thinks that he is so very deft at being DL, but he is so conspicuously gay, that I find it hard to believe that he thinks others really think he is straight. I'd call it delusion, but who am I to judge? So early this morning, I was talking in my room with SIXTYNINE, and FANCYSLIM just barges in, demanding that "We need to talk." Now, he has a reputation for his large endowment (as SIXTYNINE has told me from experience *eyeroll*, too much information). His saying we need to talk is code for "I want to dominate you in all ways." Personally I never liked him much before, so now, I'm a little insulted that he thinks that I should bow to him that easy. SIXTYNINE picks up on what is going on, and tries to leave the room, then our other, straight friend enters the room, and the conversation gets real weird. FANCYSLIM gets kind of sassy, and then starts sending me texts about "getting these other dudes out the room so we can talk." And I'm texting SIXTYNINE saying, "get this nigga out of my room!" So, apart from surface conversation the four of us where having, SIXTYNINE, FANCYSLIM and myself were texting each other back and forth in some weird sexual mediation. I felt so uncomfortable, like FANCYSLIM might try something bold if the other guys left, and I would not be about to handle that at this point. And the funny thing about all of this is that the straight guy didn't pick up on any of this. He just RELAXING. Oh, what ignorant bliss. I finally managed to get him out the room, and he tells me "We're done." I'm like, uhh we never got started, and never will, not in this lifetime.
I understand that it is hard to be gay, but I am so tired of the level of immaturity among the people of my age bracket. I'm not the most mature person to be sure; I can be as shallow and callous as the worst of them. But what I do not want to be is messy. Getting involved with FANCYSLIM would be messy, considering his own personal record, and my lack of one. I definitely can't have my first be with somebody like him. First, there's no physical attraction, and second, I really don't like his personality. He only calls when he is drunk and horny, and only uses you to his own advantage. The more I have come to learn from him and others that I have been talking to, the more I realize that there are a lot more gay men than I assumed, and that they, or we all have issues. Life is complicated, people have problems with themselves that they grapple with. I don't want my sexuality to be something that is so hidden and repressed that I only allow to surface when I drunk call people in my dorm to get off. If that makes me lame or less of a man for my low sexual appetite, then fine. I'll take the title. Are their times when I get that feeling of wanting a man so bad that I can't even sleep at night or focus in class, YES. But, I simply try to err on the side of caution, especially in not wanting to make my life complicated for the wrong reasons. I would just like to share my first time with somebody with confidence, compassion, and a mutual sense of physical and emotion attraction. I'm honestly really afraid of being bad or not getting the other person's approval. A sexual teacher? Mmmm … well, that sounds crazy, but, yeah might be nice …