Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Up Late, Movies, P. Gordon

This is from the summer. It's so funny to read stuff from the "Past" haha

Ok, so today I was up late AGAIN. I am in a terrible habit of staying up until 2 and then waking up any where from 10AM to 2 PM!! I have to shake myself out of it, which means either waking up one day real early after a late night, or trying to go to sleep on time. I don't want to do it, but because I have felt no consequence and because I feel so separated from anything and everything here, I do it anyway. It seems to reflect this overall meme of indifference, boredom, and exhaustion that is taking over my life. Maybe Inboretion? It's serious for me now and it has to stop now. Being at MIT is a dream situation and I am not capitalized on the fact that I am here. I am not talking with enough professors or asserting this place as mine for the next few weeks. I have to do it. I have to get up because I still believe that not being able to get up in the morning is a sign of lack of will to live. I think I want to live, but I have to fight. Fight to be myself, fight to ameliorate my bad habits, fight to change, and fight to be here.

I watched Fargo yesterday with Johnny and Pat, then went to that restaurant Island Hoppers on Mass Ave., with Aziza, Esteban, PNERGY, Vanessa, Pat, Nikishia, and Danny joined us later. I know Kris LOVES Asian, and that place was pretty good, it had a lot of stuff I had never tried before, so I was happy. Well sort of. I drifted off into this antisocial haze that I do most of the time. That place where I'm physically present, but psychosocial I'm not there, just a visitor in my head, looking through my eyes, have understanding the world around him. This tends to happen a lot. In conversation, usually I say something that sounds vapid, or random or whatever and does not always fit into the context of the situation. I don't know many jokes, and I have few experiences to go on, but not many.

After talking with PNERGY early this morning, I learn a lot about him and himself. He is a likeable energetic person that everybody wants to be around, and that wants everybody to like him. Ok, that's great. Most of the time, that is the personality that I wish that I had. Unfortunately, it is not ha. But anyways, he went on about how he thinks Vanessa is immature, and how she has been negative toward him after he told some other people about how he feels about her. It was interesting to see how this had affected him so much, and how important it was for him to be on good terms with her. Of course, I don't notice the particulars of the social dynamics of MSRP, but clearly he had, and it had weighed on him. I told him that he should 1. be careful about who he reveals negative feelings about, that just spreads ill will and bleak feelings 2. He was impressed by all of the other girls in the program, so perhaps he has given Vanessa the chance to impress him. The teacher Randy Pausch said that. You have to give everyone a chance to impress, because when you least expect it, they always will.

I was taken aback by his comments, and also wondered about myself through them. I realized how self-centered I am in how I view Life. PNERGY places a high value on interpersonal relationships because that is one of his skills. I have never to my memory placed a lot of value on them, because usually others disappoint me, we don't get along that well, or I just simply reject them before they the chance to feel the same about me. I expect that most people will not like me, and I won't have ways to connect with them. I expect to be outcasted and alone a majority of the time, and perhaps that is the problem. If working on being social and connecting with people is one of my faults, then it should be a greater priority. I haven't given OLDGIRL, or SIXTYNINE, or a lot of people enough of a chance for me to like them, or them enough of a chance to like me. I should redraw where my priorities are.

1. Confidence/Comfort level
2. Interpersonal Skills/Relationships
3. Academic/Professional Pursuits
4. Health/Fitness Levels
5. Organization/Planning Modes

Mood: Slightly Depressed
Listening: "House of Cards" by Radiohead
Random Quote: "What are you talking about, ass?" - PNERGY
My Response: If only you knew ...

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