Friday, April 18, 2008

So, what do I do now?

Ok, so I've accepted it. I have thought and thought, go over it in my head, tried to imagine my life otherwise, beyond it but I can't. The problem is, everything else becomes so complicated.


Don't know how I feel about that word, but I recognize it as one of the labels, the masks, the affinity groups, the deviants, that I now find myself with. I was having a hard enough time as it is, now it's just like, mannnnn. What next?
Well, next is a good question. Being at an all-male black college, I guess most would assume that I can now live it up, really have fun. Please, let's not kid ourselves, ok? Morehouse is steeped in Christian, masculine, 19th century idealist traditions that have no room for gays. There have been incidents here where gay students were attacked (well ok, only one, but still ...) and there's this big subculture here of good little choir boys and preachers sons that switch their crosses and their asses up and down the hill, but they're not gay! Of course not.

I've told my two closest friends, and they both seemed pretty much unaffected. One is bisexual, so he says, "Great! Now I have someone to oogle guys with." And I can actually say that my nonsexual relationship with PTALL has really been strengthened, and I appreciate that. We even went to a group session and a club haha. More on those later. My other friend, BLACKFRAT, was totally ok with it. I suspected that he might be ..., because know he claims that he has all this gay stalkers at the school he goes to (UPENN), and to me, if that many gay guys are "after" somebody who claims to be straight, then you must be doing something to edge them on ...

But the real point is that I have told people, and I'm trying to make it normal for me. To carve out some sense of identity for myself and get better at this. I've met teenagers who have had more emotional experience than I have, and that is sad (hence the screenname) . So my aim is to get that experience to shake off my childhood, childish fears, and move on. Move ON!! But, now, to what??

Mood: Nebulous
Listening: "Boston" by Augustana
Random Quote: "N****, I don't know, but I need to do something outrageous or outstanding ..." - random AUC student outside the library
My Thought: ok, must be a rap album I should have listened to? Otherwise, interesting play on words, depends on how you see each. A black man 18-25 in college or with a job and doing ok is BOTH ...

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