Wednesday, October 15, 2008

15th of October

Whoa, so long hiatus, I am back. I've got 2 midterms left, and a shitload of other work to do in terms of school, the club, and personal issues. I started to work out again (mildly), but I tend to eat way too much. The cafeteria is too much of a temptation, and I have to stop eating hamburgers before my stomach turns into early 20th Century Chicago. My parents are coming next week, and I hope I don't get question about if you have a girlfriend and all that jazz. If pressed, then I am just going to be honest about it.

So the past week, I've had three older guys playing mind games on me, or at least I think. Then of course there is SIXTYNINE, who always seems to connect everything in my life to sex or more specifically a lack thereof. I don't know if sex was the problem before, but damn is it ever now, because my libido, as low as it usually is, has been surging as of late (at least for me). And I'm also getting into dark skin, GOOD, CLEAR dark skin haha. Something about it is alluring and confident, and it just really gets me now haha. But back to the central issues, the older guys. There are three: PRIVATEPLAN, ARMYLIGHT and BIGGIERICH.

PRIVATEPLAN is totally messing with my head, knowingly or not. I found him through craigslist, and we talked online for awhile. Then he asked me to call him. I did, and from there it's been this kind of blind mentorship thing. He's older, like almost 30, average height and build, bi (sigh ...) and "easy on the eyes." He is in the same field as me, and said that "he wanted to adopt me." and always reminds me that he wishes he had someone to advise him. He sized me up in a literal sense of the word, and then gave me advice on dating and catching a man. So, we have been talking about about a month now, and I don't know what this is supposed to be leading to
We had phone sex a few days ago, which was amazing for me, it being a first. But then, he seemed so bored and uninterested. Something about his voice is hot to me, it's deep and calm. Anyway, I did something more aggressive that I would never do: I suggested that he be my sexual teacher and I give him some head. He seemed geniunely surprised by this, and perhaps my own loneliness and sense of vanity in my youth made me believe this to be the original intention, but whatever the case, he at first agreed, then later cancelled. For the next few days about that, I had him on the brain. How can I be turned out by someone I have never met, nor do I know what he looks like??

ARMYLIGHT and I have been talking online on and off since last year. There's not really anything sexual there, I think (he likes whites and asians, only). He is cool, and we both have the same level of snarkiness and bad jokes and pontifications on how smart we think we are, but not much has materialized there. I just recently started talking to him again, and I suggested we hit the gym together, but the question was totally ignored ...

BIGGIERICH is my associate through my job/extracurricular at school. He is really cool, smart, and shocking. Not only is he a West Point acceptee and alum of my school, he's a smart property owner with loads of cash to boot. Ok, he's a little tall and hefty for my taste (and religious and conservative , ...)but I like him, and he always has something interesting to say. He also seems to tease me at times, and I really don't know if I am supposed to act on it, or what. I'm not attracted to him, but he's so cool, and I just love being around him. Yeah that was really corny, but it is true.

SIXTYNINE is getting on my nerves because I am fairly certain that he wouldn't mind "plowing" me. That is his corny expression for it and I most politely ignore any type of subtle flirting he tries to throw at me. It's crazy. He's another horny bisexual, with a girlfriend, no. I appreciate his friendship, but I don't appreciate his wishy washy attitude about sex. Yes it's just an action, and yes it is good, and yes it drives us as human beings. But I don't do that with friends, I can't, the boundary needs to be clear, at least for me. If that makes me a prud, then whatever. I hate that he is getting into my head about me needing sex, because frankly I had not been thinking about it all that much before. I don't care if this makes me appear less of a man, but it just wasn't a focus for me. I think he prompted me to ask PRIVATEPLAN for sex, because he reasoned that that must be what he wants for me. The problem is that sex with PRIVATEPLAN was not necessarily what I wanted, but I asked for it anyway because I am a convictionless wuss.

So, now, the issues is that my sex drive is in overdrive. I'm not desperate or confident even to go in Craigslist for some "right now" type stuff, but I wouldn't mind someone clean, diseasefree and sexy with me right now. What I would really like, like REALLY like, is somebody with big shoulders that I could lay next to in my phone and just talk about stuff with. That would be great. Some dick would also be great. But now I need to focus on getting through midterms and getting the administrative and scholastic part of my life back on track.

Mood: Suppresively Procrastinating, but ok
Listening: "If you were here tonight" by Alexander O'Neal
Random Quote: "You are going to download and send me ringtones, because I don't do anything for myself ..."
My Response: N**** PLEASE!

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