Thinking Back

I took a much needed (at least in my mind J ) personal day today. The past week has been meetings, events, studying, exercising, moving stuff, and a lot of wasting time too, but mostly working. I went to the SafeSpace meeting a few days ago. This campus group that is supposed to be the speaking voice for all SGL students. Going to this meeting and seeing the energy and confidence of the new crop of gays at the school made me reflect on my experience here. The first time I had attended a SafeSpace meeting was way back in sophomore year. It was a lively meeting and the topic was basically "where do we go from here," and discuss what should students and Morehouse affirming alumni be doing to promote gay issues. At that point in my life, I was so scared of being found out or discovered that I said nothing doing the whole meeting. Even going to Morehouse, if you choose to shield yourself and hide away, you can easily coast through the school not knowing anyone. I did that. I have spent the better part of four years here thinking that I was different and therefore better than major of the people here. I thought that since I was shy and less able to converse with others and put on airs, that I was preserving some uniqueness within myself that elevated me above those around me. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you close off the rest of the world. Now I know how foolish I was and how much I allowed myself to miss out on as a part of the black college experience. True, I may not have wanted to come here in the first place, but I certain could have made it a more personal and fulfilling experience.

The topic of the meeting was the overstated conflict of homophobia and the church. Ok, even somebody as uninvolved as me is tired of hearing about this one. I mean, really guys? But it was fun to go to the meeting and see some new groups of students. Somebody said in the meeting that each new freshman class of gays are more out and comfortable and flamboyant than the last. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that idea, but it is true that the class of 2013 (omg, that sounds so far away when it isn't …) is a lot more open and active than the ones that I have known. SafeSpace seems to have come back with the bang, and surprisingly has a lot of straight members now, at least in the facebook group. I am excited to get to know more people in the group, and to have an organization like this.

A long time I felt like I was the man on the moon at Morehouse. I wanted to believe that I was somehow fundamentally different from everything that goes into the "Morehouse mystique." But, I am part of that. I am an individual, opinionated, difficult, and complex, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than anybody else at school. I have to let go of the fear of people seeing me as who I am, and hearing what I have to say. I have to be open enough to hear and see others as well, beyond face value.

Mood: Good

Listening: "Already Home," Jay-Z feat. Kid Cudi, "The Glow of Love" by Change feat. Luther Vandross

Random Quote: "No no, they already don't like you, the question is, what are you going to do about it?"

Response: Keep living, breathing, changing and growing.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So the rains have started, stopped and restarted again in Atlanta, and most of this weekend saw those perfect, beautiful clear blue skies that beg for picnics and days at the park. Fall is here. Those cool breezes will turn stronger and colder, and the temperatures will steadily drop. I didn't do a lot this weekend, but I did reflect a lot on my life, I consulted my advisors, and I am learning to better evaluate where I am and what progress I have made. The vast majority of my posts on this blog, I attempted to analyze my perceived idiosyncrasies with a fine-toothed comb, and done nothing with the information. I seem to just spit out my feelings of inferiority, negativity, depression, anxiety – basically every dark part of myself. I have made the complaints, send them out to the world, but the complaints are with me. I have to get up, and do something about it. I have allowed myself to feel comfort in my shortcomings, wallow in them, and live day to day like a hollow shell waiting to be cracked at the first instance.

I have spent an undue amount of time obsessing over things and people that do not care or affect me in anyway. In the second grade, my teacher made us write in this reflections book, and I have kept it to this day. As a little kid, I wrote then that one on my problems was "breaking my shell and reaching out to other people." I guess that phrase, the more things change, the more they stay the same, is true. I have heard it from too many other people, bloggers included. DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. No matter how much I opine about being somebody else, I can't. I can only be me, and I always have to live with me. That's not such a bad thing. There are some parts of myself that I love, and I'm learning to love every part, and discovering the parts I didn't even know were there.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Job Hunting" by Mama's Mustache

Random Quote: "Money doesn't matter to me. Nor does skin color, or what continent she was last on. It just so happens that some of the girls who are cultured/beautiful enough to chill with me are like that." – J.C.

Response: It's too big, it's too wide ... ya'll know the rest

Much Ado About Nothing (It’s cute)

Damn, I wish I was somebody else. Like somebody that goes to parties and clubs and has a fucking good time. Im just sick of the crap that seems to be constantly handed to me as my social life. Pardon me for the negativity, but I must admit this weekend has royally sucked for me. Atlanta Black Pride. The black gay man's sexual feast. He finds himself surrounding by beautiful faces, hard bodies, and feelings of lust and licentiousness that he would be hard-pressed to find any other time of the year. The men, the boys, the gurlz flock to the Super 8 rooftop, TRAXX, 708, the Jungle, Django's, Vita, and the numerous other bars, clubs, and hotel that add to the bevy of excitement. I understand that pride, or at least the underlying purpose of it, is meant to be a celebration of identity, sexuality, individuality, and freedom. The black gay man probably feels twice as much of reason to celebration due to the conflicting and challenging definition of being a black man and gay or single gender loving in this country. So maybe pride is supposed to be a weekend of thanksgiving and celebration, and to an extent it still is. But, it has also become an extension of the typical weekend club experience, but this time around the bars are full of out-of-towners even more in search of those gratifying sexual experiences than the townies. The typical fanfare of conspicuously clad dancers doing things that would make even the most sexually experienced gay blush, armed with oiled, sculpted bodies, extra large, bulging packages and erotic movement. The divas like Toccara, Lil' Kim, Nene and others that play hostess, and the gays of course. The thugs, the gurlz, the tall, the short, the fashionistas, the preps, the big boys, the skinny and mini – every size, shape, type and complexion you can think of can be found in the streets of Atlanta.

I don't really know what I expected to happen. I mean, I tried to enter this situation with the chief intent of enjoying myself. Even, if I was just going to dance by myself (which I did) or have a drink with friends (which I did). But, to my un-surprise, it wasn't lol. Just nights of staring emptily into crowds of strangers that all mesh together into this sweaty, tall mass of nothingness that exist within a realm that I do not comprehend. Initially, I was kinda excited to go out, because I rarely do (although recently that has been a different story). I always privately keep this hope that I will see somebody, lock eyes with somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY and it will just click. Things will work out. I will know what to say or he will say all the right things. We will dance, and kiss and hell, it could just be a one night stand, I don't really care at this point. I guess I don't have any kind of magnetic factor that attracts people to me. I know I'm not the cutest (something that I have yet to fully grasp, but have to accept), I'm short, I don't have a winning personality of charm and wit. Ok, I get it. I don't like it, but I get that much now. It does seem like everyone around me is always having more fun than I am. Man, I hate that feeling lol.

Friday, SIXTYNINE, FRENCHXL and I headed to the Jungle for Wassupnatl's party there. FRENCHXL is a bio major from St. Louis that loves to CHAIN SMOKE weed and tobacco, and drink Wild Irish Rose. Despite my annoyance while waiting for him to "pre-game" with all of his substances, I enjoyed seeing him in this light. I don't him very well, so it was pleasing to see him cut loose and really enjoy himself. He claimed to have touched more dick that he ever had in his life, and taken some champagne from a gentlemen onstage that had toasted it with the tip of his penis as well. SIXTYNINE got some serious action from a queen that skillfully unzipped his pants on the dance floor and also gave him some oral pleasure as well (I don't know if he was exposed or it was through the pants, but I don't think that dude cares all that much). The crowd was a bit older than I expected, and the dancers and pornstars that showed up were a lot more, I don't know, real , to see in person. I honestly didn't have a bad time, I was glad to see my friends really enjoy themselves and to take in all the sights lol. I hadn't really expected to enjoy myself, it is what it is.

Saturday, we headed to Vita, and JUST MISSED the free admission and free vodka. There weren't many people when we first arrived, but in the matter of half an hour, it seems like almost a hundred dudes streamed into that small place. We danced on floor for a minute, and saw the infamous Dwight from the Real Housewives in all his glory having a good ol' time. It got so hot inside that we went outside to take a breather for a minute. Then, I immediately spotted two Morehouse students (because I have this knack for knowing everybody's name and history, but they don't know me of course ), BD and MP. BD was a high ranking SGA official that graduated last year. Short in stature, but not in ego or wardrobe. He immediately comes over, and like any gracious Morehouse Man, gives us the typical display of condescension mixed with intrigue. He is surprise to see SIXTYNINE here, I guess because of his height. But, in any case, after SIXTYNINE caresses his hand, BD goes, "Oh I'm a top, and trust I'm packing, maybe even bigger than you" to SIXTYNINE. Dude, I doubt you are LOL, but anything is possible. Anyway, once BD moves on to continue making his rounds, FRENCHXL gives a call to another friend, who comes to supply some weed. Then, a charming, little liar named Irvington comes over to find out about the square. Irv is a half-Japanese, Half-puerto Rican in town from Michigan by way of Miami, and wants to meet guys "that are interesting in more than sex." He was so pretty that I couldn't help but smile and giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Anyway, he talks to us for a while and even promises to buy me a drink. I know better than anyone that this was a B.S. ting entirely, I had seen him making his way through the whole crowd, with that fake foreign accent playing innocent. An accent immediately gratifies me, makes me want to know more, lol. But yeah, he lied of course lol. I got a few texts from my D.C. friend. He was in town at TRAXX, so I did make the trek out there from Buckhead, but the damn place was hella crowded, and that place was so packed I couldn't begin to find him. The police were like checking the parking lots and arresting people for fighting and "indecent exposure." So I know that was my cue to go home.

I don't think I need to go to any more events. I'd had my fill and I'm ready to move on. One thing I know that I need to do is a complete personal re-assessment, to determine what my weaknesses are (among the many) and more importantly what I consider to be my strengths. Again, I'm slipping into this doomsday outlook on everything. I don't know how to shake it, but I'm really nervous about what's coming. Youth is fleeting, as a gay male, it's a mere millisecond. If this is how things are now, I shudder to think about the future. I have work to do, work on myself.

And sidenote: Since when is the cute the new adjective for any and everything??

Mood: Mean mug on my face

Listening: "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu

Random Quote: Promise me we will buy tickets to fly in next year - SIXTYNINE

Response: I promise you will buy a ticket to come next year. I might be straight by then

La Dolce Vita

SIXTYNINE came back, horny as ever. Since he is finally 21, we decided to head out to some clubs for the local nightlife. At first he had wanted to go to Blake's, so he could dance to disco and house and party with white folks. But we both didn't really care, and eventually just settled on the club promoted by Atlanta's most popular (I guess?) black gay promoter. I have driven past this place numerous times, and it appeared usually packed, line out the door, but today, it was a breeze. I've only been to a few clubs in my life, but I'm always surprised at the difference between 18+ and 21+ clubs, like those three years make a hell of a difference. Compared to some others that I have been to, *cough* TRAXX *cough*, this one was more laid back, dudes were all nice looking, great music, and all around great atmosphere. SIXTYNINE immediately became the target for all of the tall guys in the room. So he had a good time.

All of my party and social experiences in the past have been I went to the party with some friends, talked to them for a minute, then they go off and I become a wallflower. I can't tell you how many awkward walks past dance floors and refreshments I have had in the past, but it's been a lot. I would find somewhere to be posted, get a drink, and that is that. No talking to others, no dancing, a bit of drinking – nothing but strained waiting until the other people I came with were ready to leave. I don't know if I just don't have quite a developed enough personality or what, but that has been every party experience lol. With this in mind, I didn't expect a lot to happen for me at the club. And it didn't lol. I guess I expected some dude to just spot me out of the crowd, whisper something perfect in my ear, and everything else would fall into place. Yeah right. I saw plenty of men that I was attracted to. And I did nothing. I got drunk off of a blue motherfucker, and a margarita. The bartender politely smiled and called me sweetie as he took my LAST 8 DOLLARS lol. I stumble through the club after, probably not looking very attractive or even approachable lol. And that was it.

I admit I was more than a little jealous that SIXTYNINE got more attention than me. But, then again, I wasn't surprised. My apprehension toward these types of events stems from one dull experience after another since I was 13. This is an area that I want to focus on, meeting people at events. Not just in the club atmosphere, but whether it be a cute guy at the bookstore or at an event on campus. Damn, I wish I had a little of that natural charisma that some people do. But you know what? If I want to change it, to become someone else, then I have to work on it. I don't want to radically change who I am, I just want to learn and polish up those parts of myself that I have been neglecting. My level of confidence and social skills are two of them.

Mood: Ok, just HOT

Listening: watching True Blood rerun

Random Quote:

Response:

You Never Know What’s Coming …

It all came rushing down in my head today, and I just feel mean. I feel this sluggish enmity toward everybody and everything. All the things that I don't understand, the people I don't comprehend, the places where I allow myself to fall down, low down. I get so easily consumed by fear. I have a long list of things and people and places that I carry fear, anger, and even hatred for. These negative feelings all just fester within me, and I suffer because of them. I suffer when I expect too much from others, and the worse of myself. I continually see everyone and everything as an ongoing threat to my existence, all of whom I almost naturally have learned to evade or fight at all cost. And what does it take to climb out of these feelings? It takes things like patience, confidence, trust, and love. I believe that I am capable of these things, but I would have to believe that I am capable of change.

I got a call late at night from my mom. She abruptly asked me to delete her facebook account. I was a little angry that she felt it necessary to call me at 2 am about this, but I obliged. After I logged onto her account, I looked at her messages, and found three messages. In these three messages, a woman confessed herself to my mom. She explained her lengthy affair with my father. He had given her an allowance of $300 a week, taken her to the same restaurants he had taken my mother and me. At family parties and gatherings with his friends, she was his companion, he even bought this woman a room down the hall from the room my parents shared when they went away for their anniversary. He told her things about my mother, details about her illness, how she is severely disabled, and how she is blind in one eye and can't even drive at night. The woman wrote that she had "found God" and was fed up with how she felt my father was treating my mother. She thought that everything he had said were lies, and felt it necessary to tell my mom about what was going on.

I have often felt that my mom was cheated out of a lot in her life. To me, she is an incredible person, because she has endured a great deal of pain and sadness, and she still lives on. Since before I was born, she has had a disease called ankylosing spondilitis. The disease slowly fusing the bones of the spine, and causes painful inflammation in the eye and joints throughout the body. I'm really not supposed to be here, as in my mom was probably too sick to carry a child, and had a narrow window to have one. But I am, and so is she. Most of my childhood, she was bedridden, and countless surgeries and the creation of new medicines have given her increased mobility, but she still has limited vision and trouble moving. Taken all of this into account, my father and she do not have even the normal sex life of a middle aged couple. I know now that she was smart enough to know that my father probably had women in his life other than her to fulfill these needs. In fact, she probably preferred he do so. People in my father's family often said that she, in her illness, held him back, but she did a lot for him. She worked in his first office, and has been a constant source of strength, practically, and support. In fact, for all the work that he does, I daresay in her own way, she has done just as much, if not more.

I can't say that I was surprised to hear about my dad's infidelity. I had suspected it as well. But I was just disappointed to see that he was so careless about it. My mother is very proud person, perhaps too much at times. So instead of any defect in my dad, what she felt the most was embarrassment. My dad had paraded this woman around family and friends, people that my mom converse with everyday. She was especially hurt to know that he brought this woman to the same hotel in which they stayed on their anniversary. I honestly don't know what to make of all of this. I know she feels embarrassed, and he feels ashamed. My dad has a lot of issues that he needs to work out for himself. All the men in the family have a history of having women on the side, and they have able-bodied wives. He has issues with drinking, and also seems to be very alone. In fact, he might be the loneliest person I know. I wish I had a closer relationship with him. I wish that my mom wasn't so proud in that we could have a closer relationship. I know that they are adults, I can't carry their burdens. They are the parent and I am the child. But sense I am an only child, sometimes, I feel so connected to their fate and their happiness. Idk …

There have been other things affect where I am at this point, but now I see that childhood is done. 21 years old. Young, yes, but not a kid. No more time for living in my world of dreams, where somebody to blame is always there, the man I love will just arise from thin air, and I can put off with dealing with my problems for the future. I have a lot to work on, and I don't know how all of it will play out. But I know that I have to get started, that I can't give up on me.

 

Mood: Reflective

Listening: Watching Benjamin Button

Random Quote: "You will have fun when you learn to stop expecting things from people," JG

Response: Oh, thanks.

I Cannot Tell A Lie From The Truth

MONEY&SEX and I have been hanging out the past week, movies and lunches and whatnot. No, we aren't dating or anything (according to him, he is seeing some ex-football player turned GA patrolman or whatever) but he likes to get out and do stuff, and he has a car so I don't have to drive all the time lol. We went to see Orphan and The Hangover this weekend, we also ate at Chinese Buddha, well I think that's the name, and also at the Flying Biscuit. I have gotten a crash course into the life of MONEY&SEX , his east coast upbringing, law school aspirations, and more poignantly, his VAST experience in casual sex encounters via the internet. He has deemed himself some kind of sexual guru, and regularly tells me (whether I ask for it or not) about who I should be doing, and wants to know every painstaking detail of my encounters. I was hesitant to trust MONEY&SEX because I have conflicted feelings toward him. I regret having done anything with him in the past, and he was a player in all the drama of last semester. But something about him, the self-serving way he refers to himself, his CONSTANTLY referring to me as short or little - those are just some of the many things he does that put me off. I know I have a long way to go in tolerating other people, but he really tests me.
I hooked up randomly with somebody at an "independent living facility" on the Southside. No, I wasn't with some 70 year old man looking to get his rocks off, but the 23 year old that works the front desk after hours. He was cute, he had braces, and had this adorable accent. I admit that living in Atlanta has made those accents grow on me. Anyway, so we met up at the front desk, he buzzes me in and we then proceed to one of the empty rooms. The room was cold, and set up like a hotel suite, it was nice. I laid on the bed, and he then goes to the bathroom and, well, prepared I assume. So he then gets naked, but I'm not paying attention to his body, which was GOOD, but his right hand. I see a plain gold ring on his finger. Oh. My. God. Seriously? It was good though. He gave me head, which was a first for me, and he did a great job as well lol. I tried bottoming again, but the same problem, pain, like almost immediately once he got close to penetration. He said "You act like you know what your doing down there" when I gave him head. So thanks, mr. nightwatchman

This morning I texted MONEY&SEX and asked if wanted to play tennis later. He said sure, then after he grilled me about my night at the "home." I hate talking about these things with people, and I gave as little detail as possible. Then, he tells me that he went on a date with my first, BIGGIERICH, to some theater in Henry County, and that BIGGIERICH ate him out in the theater, and that he's a bottom, and that he has a master's in the same field I am interested in. A lot of random details that I re BOLD FACE LIE. I immediately called BIGGIERICH, and he easily debunked MONEY&SEX's lie. I mean, did he not think it would be easy for me to find out the truth? Two possibilities: MONEY&SEX is either the worst liar known to man, or he wanted me to know he was lying and this is part of some subversive mind game. I don't have time for this. I can't barely keep the truth straight to myself, and now the people around me are spreading BS?

I wish my other peoples were here!!!


Mood: exhausted from HEAT
Listening: Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds
Random Quote: "He a lie" - BIGGIERICH
My Response: TRUE

Close Encounters of an Intimate Kind

I'm sitting here, watching Tiny and Toya, and I'm thinking: if these women can really get it together, why can't I (LOL)? I flew back into Atlanta from DC confused and exhausted. I was confused because I am entering my SENIOR year of college. I have to decide, and fairly quickly decide where I am going to end up next year. I have no idea even on what city I want to live in, what career I really want to see myself in, who I want to be in the next 5, 10 + years. It's scary. Since I there is no blueprint, no one steady or right path to take, but I don't want to take one that leads toward disappointment or regret. That much, I do know.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have had opportunities to "hook up" with men in Atlanta. It's funny to think about how just 4 months ago, I turned my nose up at people that did the online sex thing, and here I am wading waist deep in the waters of BGClive and adam4adam. Is it right? I don't know. I have been with a thug, an intellectual, a mechanic, a teacher, and CDC number cruncher. These are all artificial, arbitrary labels, and none of them are all-encompassing. I met these guys for at the most 4 hours, and we didn't exactly have soul-searching discussions. I know that for me, sex is good. No, sex is great lol. Contact with a man, being touched and felt and kissed and more is an amazing experience, each time feels different, and surprises you. I also need intimate contact. I need you to look into my eyes, and kiss me passionately and feel down my back and across all of my limbs and protruding parts. I need you to take an active role with me, please don't sit back and lay there, and expect me to kiss and suck and ride while you barely do anything. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! I shouldn't have to tell you to do that!

I didn't have the opportunity to top, but I have bottomed (safely of course), and each time it was a painful experience, like really painful. The tops were rough, really rough. It's a trip to go to the bathroom half an hour after having anal sex and seeing BLOOD. That was scary, really scary. I don't know if I can only do it with someone that I really trust, or if I need to learn some special pelvic exercises or what. I kind of assumed that since I am short, it's expected that I'm supposed to bottom, and I assumed it was supposed to feel good, but, in the times I have done it, it has not. This is a superficial concern, but in the future I will be more aggressive in stating what I want and try to relax more. I don't think I will be patrolling these sites anymore. I'm the type of person that has an addictive person, and I could easily see myself setting these casual encounters on a near daily basis. That would be a pitiful state of being, and an unproductive (not to mention unsafe) means of personal development.

 

When I ask others about my concerns toward sex, I get the typical answers. MONEY&SEX says you just lay on your stomach and it doesn't hurt at all. All I can do there is roll my eyes, I'm not going there with him. I hate talking to him or SIXTYNINE about these types of things, because they always come off so smug and stuff. I get very sensitive whenever it comes to these issues about sex and relationships. The people I know always have the right answer, like I should do this or that, and if I don't I'm strange. MONEY&SEX told me that the fact that I have had such few partners is strange and I am at a detriment because I don't have more sex. The man that friends people on facebook just to see if they are potential hookups. Let me live the way I see fit.

I'm starting to come to a better definition on how I see sex and relationships through these causal encounters. More than ever, I see that I need to RELAX, be willing to open my mouth and talk to people, and stop expecting and comparing. Nobody is worried about me other than me. I can be envious of people all day, I can hope that every man I see will be some prince charming, but that doesn't do anything but set me up to be disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointment, awkward moments, all of the emotions that I subject myself to out of my own insecurities with myself in interacting with others.