Saturday, January 2, 2016

The dream that was 2015

I dreamed in 2015. No, not that aspirational glide toward lofty heights and shiny "New Year, New Me" goals, but just floated through. I did a few rideshare rides (less than I let everybody think I do), I got stuck in my car going up an icy incline on Valentine's Day. I worked, or at least appeared to do so. I visited my family several times. I went on a few dates, but ultimately they did not amount to much.

This year felt like a haze, because I blocked myself. It's so easy not to try to do anything, to let things pile up, to make grand promises to yourself and others without delivering, to retreat. Then to see your peers go off and do great things, the endless scroll of self-congratulations via *insert social media platform*. I stopped knowing myself, and I didn't take the time to get reacquainted.

I had a vision coming out of grad school. I took a course in international housing markets and i loved it. It made me want to travel to Africa and get involved in the work going on down there, but that idea has stayed in the back of my mind for almost four years. I have barely budged on it. My inertia rests in the idea that it will be impossible for me to achieve anything through it. I know this is logically not true, but in my heart, that's what I believe.

I can't stay focused and its much more comfortable for me to sit and complain rather than actually take action and build toward things that may not come. That's the headspace I have sat in this year and much of the year prior. Career stalled, love life stalled, personal care stalled. I have become ok with being immobile. That has to end.

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