Goodbye Extended Adolescence, aka College

I am at the finish line for graduation! But it doesn't feel like it. I am going to have to do some pretty insane amounts of work in the coming week, but next Monday, I WILL BE DONE!!! Very excited about this change in my life, and glad to be moving to the next level. To keep with that theme, I will be updating and improving this blog with a better design and concept to reflect where I am in my life right now. I'm not so lonely anymore, but I am ready. I'm not going to let things continue as they have in the past.

What I want to focus on right now is making new goals for myself, and also learning what it means to be responsible for myself and my feelings. I don't want to feel that any part of my life is hopeless or absolute; I have the power within myself to make those changes I see fit.

Mood: anxious

Listening: "Waving Flag" by K-NAAN

Random Quote:

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. – Benjamin Button

Response: I'm putting my strength to the test.

 

 

 

 

Waiting while my World Changes

I spent the weekend in Philadelphia. Penn had a grad school preview thing, so I went up to see their program. In terms of design and appeal, I really like Philadelphia. It's bigger, older and dirtier than Atlanta, but that's why I like it lol. could take the train from the airport, and walk a few short blocks to my friend's apartment. This is my friend BLACKFRAT, or I'll just call him JH to keep things simple. JH went to Wharton, so he has a bit of an inflated ego through that fact, and always finds subtle opportunities to put down Morehouse for whatever reason. But we have been friends since we were 11, and he was more than happy to help me out while he was here. Since it was Homecoming, he was mostly out getting drunk with friends and having a good time, meanwhile I was trying to catch up on work.

This semester has kind of hit me like a bullet train. It's my second to last at Morehouse. I'm taking the GRE next week. I'm applying to graduate schools. Everything is coming together right now, perhaps not in the ways that I would like, but they are. I don't know where this year went lol. I remember I was in the the 3^rd grade when I learned that 2006 and 2010, high school and college graduation if I stayed on schedule. They seemed so far away then, but they are here. To be honest, I hadn't given life much thought past high school LOL. And now, I will be venturing into real adulthood, having a real job and a place of my own one day. It's exciting to think about, but again, I don't know what to expect. Like there are many thigns I have to work out, and in my mind there are so many scenarios for how things will turn out for me. One of my goals is to do better than my parents. It's nothing against them, but I want to have a more comfortable, and financial stable life than they did. I want to fall in love, like really, head over heels fall in love, and have somebody to build a family with. I already had in it my mind, three children, one would be adopted, and we would get a surrogate for the other two. Not sure how we would work that out, but I'm hopeful. Lol

The past two days, I have just been getting myself organized to stay on track. Apart from all the school stuff I have to deal with, I'm also building up the social tip. I went to the Drag Show that was at morehouse (haha, yeah right) Spelman last Friday, and that was a lot of fun. There were a lot of live performers doing slam poetry, and I was able to see a few people I know in the show do their thing. The theme was the infamous Morehouse 'Appropriate Attire Policy,' and the models when from gender appropriate attire to gender ambiguous to totally in drag. A lot of the live performers were lesbians, and you know, they know love better than most gay men and most straight people that I know. The models were fab of course. I knew after leaving the show that Morehouse and Spelman are changing. As I leave, it's great to see that more and more students are out and confident in who they are and willing to fight and speak against anybody that would threaten their wellbeing. I kinda wish I was a freshman or sophomore, with the new crop of people at school know, and with the hindsight knowledge I have. But things must change, and I have to leave, move on to the next phase of my life. I nervously look forward at what that might be.

Mood: A little overwhelmed

Listening: "Born to Run" by K-os

Random Quote: I don't think that how that works, but good for you!

Response: … I really don't need the smug sarcasm right now

How Come R Don’t Call Me

*This is going to be a long one*

So much has happened since I last wrote a blog post. I find myself a few steps closer to graduation and adult life. I find myself filling out applications for graduate school, and considering my options for jobs afterwards. My parents are planning to leave my childhood home in Los Angeles. My younger cousin, who I thought would never grow up, is going on her first college tour. I walk down Brown St., the main road cutting through campus, and I have to acknowledge that many of these faces are no longer familiar to me, and many don't recognize mine. There are so many changes going on, and I am trying to keep up.

Much of my entries in the past have focused on me discussing change. But damn, you know what, I have not moved an inch past that whining and complaining. Change is hard. Recognizing those exposed parts of yourself that are weak is the easy part, figuring out how to change them is the hard part. I had thought that I was exposing myself through this blog. Unraveling, layer by layer, the intense walls of isolation and negativity that I continue to wallow in, while time keeps moving. This is not where or who I wanted to be at 21. Yet, I have been making the choice to stay here. Everytime I feel jealous and compare myself to somebody else, every regret I feel for things in the past, every hour that I waste avoiding facing myself, every conservation that I allow my own voice to be crowded out by others, every negative feeling that I allow to take over my day – so many things that I grip tight and hold onto. This is what prevents my progress. It's me. I hate to say that, but I consistently have worked to compromise and diminish myself and my happiness.

So CHOCOLATEDROP or R and I felt apart before we were put together. One night at the club, while we both were drunk and wanted to forget the mess of the past, I kissed him. I can't recall all the events of what happened between us, because for one, it all happened in the course of a week. Perhaps my inexperience in terms of relationships made that week more intense and painstaking than it should have been, but it still really affected me. After the club, I called R and confessed to him that I had feelings for him. He in turn told me that he definitely "felt chemistry" between us and that we should take the time to get to know each other more. I told him that I wanted to "cuddle," J. I ventured up to his dorm and met him in his room. While I sit on the bed, I relax and ask him about his day. He talks quickly and nervously, until he decides to join me on the bed and starts rubbing cocoa butter on my arms. Mind you, I was NOT ashy, so this was his idea of foreplay. From there we start to make out, and then we simply laid there for a minute, and I looked into his eyes. For that brief, 30 minute period, we didn't have sex, but felt such a close and sweet intimacy with him that was gratifying and amazing.

The second time we got together, I actually spent the night. We again made out for a long period, but this time it was more intense. Before he had told me to kiss him gently, but today, I felt the passion and force from his lips, and it felt great. While we kissed and caressed each other naked (yes, I actually got the boy to take off his clothes, a feat in itself), he told me "I feel so safe when you hold me." I have had a few random sex encounters, where I did more than I did with R that night. There was no intimacy, there was no passion, no feeling. With those anonymous hookups, I was almost always left feeling dirty or restless. With R, I felt close to him, and it felt so good, like nothing I had ever experienced before. To have somebody look into your eyes and touch you and make you feel that way. It's something indescribable.

But as fast as the flame between us was sparked, it fizzled out just as fast. What began as a simple text conversation over the phone on my Halloween contest, became a contest to see who could hurt the other's feelings first. Since we had gotten together, it had been a week since I had spoken to him, and if I had, I had to contact him, and he had every excuse in the book. Once it got to Halloween, I was hurt and confused. I was ready to start having that time with him where we could go get something to eat together, or watch a movie, or just hang in the room and act goofy. I didn't even need sex at that point, I just wanted to be around him more. But he pulled away. He said that when we kissed in the club that night weeks earlier, he was drunk. I was "chasin'" him and that I was a bad kisser and gave me some fairly strong impressions that I was not good enough for him and that he was not interested.

I was hurt. Here I thought something was building up, only to be rebuffed. Not only that, but what he said really got under my skin. I felt confused and angry because he was about to have such an effect over me and not even know or care. The connection between us was unbalanced. I don't think that we were right for each other, and I know that now. But it still hurt to lose somebody that I had a genuine connection with. I was specific advised not to get involved with R, considering what had happened earlier this year, but I did it anyway.

Thinking Back

I took a much needed (at least in my mind J ) personal day today. The past week has been meetings, events, studying, exercising, moving stuff, and a lot of wasting time too, but mostly working. I went to the SafeSpace meeting a few days ago. This campus group that is supposed to be the speaking voice for all SGL students. Going to this meeting and seeing the energy and confidence of the new crop of gays at the school made me reflect on my experience here. The first time I had attended a SafeSpace meeting was way back in sophomore year. It was a lively meeting and the topic was basically "where do we go from here," and discuss what should students and Morehouse affirming alumni be doing to promote gay issues. At that point in my life, I was so scared of being found out or discovered that I said nothing doing the whole meeting. Even going to Morehouse, if you choose to shield yourself and hide away, you can easily coast through the school not knowing anyone. I did that. I have spent the better part of four years here thinking that I was different and therefore better than major of the people here. I thought that since I was shy and less able to converse with others and put on airs, that I was preserving some uniqueness within myself that elevated me above those around me. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you close off the rest of the world. Now I know how foolish I was and how much I allowed myself to miss out on as a part of the black college experience. True, I may not have wanted to come here in the first place, but I certain could have made it a more personal and fulfilling experience.

The topic of the meeting was the overstated conflict of homophobia and the church. Ok, even somebody as uninvolved as me is tired of hearing about this one. I mean, really guys? But it was fun to go to the meeting and see some new groups of students. Somebody said in the meeting that each new freshman class of gays are more out and comfortable and flamboyant than the last. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that idea, but it is true that the class of 2013 (omg, that sounds so far away when it isn't …) is a lot more open and active than the ones that I have known. SafeSpace seems to have come back with the bang, and surprisingly has a lot of straight members now, at least in the facebook group. I am excited to get to know more people in the group, and to have an organization like this.

A long time I felt like I was the man on the moon at Morehouse. I wanted to believe that I was somehow fundamentally different from everything that goes into the "Morehouse mystique." But, I am part of that. I am an individual, opinionated, difficult, and complex, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than anybody else at school. I have to let go of the fear of people seeing me as who I am, and hearing what I have to say. I have to be open enough to hear and see others as well, beyond face value.

Mood: Good

Listening: "Already Home," Jay-Z feat. Kid Cudi, "The Glow of Love" by Change feat. Luther Vandross

Random Quote: "No no, they already don't like you, the question is, what are you going to do about it?"

Response: Keep living, breathing, changing and growing.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So the rains have started, stopped and restarted again in Atlanta, and most of this weekend saw those perfect, beautiful clear blue skies that beg for picnics and days at the park. Fall is here. Those cool breezes will turn stronger and colder, and the temperatures will steadily drop. I didn't do a lot this weekend, but I did reflect a lot on my life, I consulted my advisors, and I am learning to better evaluate where I am and what progress I have made. The vast majority of my posts on this blog, I attempted to analyze my perceived idiosyncrasies with a fine-toothed comb, and done nothing with the information. I seem to just spit out my feelings of inferiority, negativity, depression, anxiety – basically every dark part of myself. I have made the complaints, send them out to the world, but the complaints are with me. I have to get up, and do something about it. I have allowed myself to feel comfort in my shortcomings, wallow in them, and live day to day like a hollow shell waiting to be cracked at the first instance.

I have spent an undue amount of time obsessing over things and people that do not care or affect me in anyway. In the second grade, my teacher made us write in this reflections book, and I have kept it to this day. As a little kid, I wrote then that one on my problems was "breaking my shell and reaching out to other people." I guess that phrase, the more things change, the more they stay the same, is true. I have heard it from too many other people, bloggers included. DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. No matter how much I opine about being somebody else, I can't. I can only be me, and I always have to live with me. That's not such a bad thing. There are some parts of myself that I love, and I'm learning to love every part, and discovering the parts I didn't even know were there.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Job Hunting" by Mama's Mustache

Random Quote: "Money doesn't matter to me. Nor does skin color, or what continent she was last on. It just so happens that some of the girls who are cultured/beautiful enough to chill with me are like that." – J.C.

Response: It's too big, it's too wide ... ya'll know the rest

Much Ado About Nothing (It’s cute)

Damn, I wish I was somebody else. Like somebody that goes to parties and clubs and has a fucking good time. Im just sick of the crap that seems to be constantly handed to me as my social life. Pardon me for the negativity, but I must admit this weekend has royally sucked for me. Atlanta Black Pride. The black gay man's sexual feast. He finds himself surrounding by beautiful faces, hard bodies, and feelings of lust and licentiousness that he would be hard-pressed to find any other time of the year. The men, the boys, the gurlz flock to the Super 8 rooftop, TRAXX, 708, the Jungle, Django's, Vita, and the numerous other bars, clubs, and hotel that add to the bevy of excitement. I understand that pride, or at least the underlying purpose of it, is meant to be a celebration of identity, sexuality, individuality, and freedom. The black gay man probably feels twice as much of reason to celebration due to the conflicting and challenging definition of being a black man and gay or single gender loving in this country. So maybe pride is supposed to be a weekend of thanksgiving and celebration, and to an extent it still is. But, it has also become an extension of the typical weekend club experience, but this time around the bars are full of out-of-towners even more in search of those gratifying sexual experiences than the townies. The typical fanfare of conspicuously clad dancers doing things that would make even the most sexually experienced gay blush, armed with oiled, sculpted bodies, extra large, bulging packages and erotic movement. The divas like Toccara, Lil' Kim, Nene and others that play hostess, and the gays of course. The thugs, the gurlz, the tall, the short, the fashionistas, the preps, the big boys, the skinny and mini – every size, shape, type and complexion you can think of can be found in the streets of Atlanta.

I don't really know what I expected to happen. I mean, I tried to enter this situation with the chief intent of enjoying myself. Even, if I was just going to dance by myself (which I did) or have a drink with friends (which I did). But, to my un-surprise, it wasn't lol. Just nights of staring emptily into crowds of strangers that all mesh together into this sweaty, tall mass of nothingness that exist within a realm that I do not comprehend. Initially, I was kinda excited to go out, because I rarely do (although recently that has been a different story). I always privately keep this hope that I will see somebody, lock eyes with somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY and it will just click. Things will work out. I will know what to say or he will say all the right things. We will dance, and kiss and hell, it could just be a one night stand, I don't really care at this point. I guess I don't have any kind of magnetic factor that attracts people to me. I know I'm not the cutest (something that I have yet to fully grasp, but have to accept), I'm short, I don't have a winning personality of charm and wit. Ok, I get it. I don't like it, but I get that much now. It does seem like everyone around me is always having more fun than I am. Man, I hate that feeling lol.

Friday, SIXTYNINE, FRENCHXL and I headed to the Jungle for Wassupnatl's party there. FRENCHXL is a bio major from St. Louis that loves to CHAIN SMOKE weed and tobacco, and drink Wild Irish Rose. Despite my annoyance while waiting for him to "pre-game" with all of his substances, I enjoyed seeing him in this light. I don't him very well, so it was pleasing to see him cut loose and really enjoy himself. He claimed to have touched more dick that he ever had in his life, and taken some champagne from a gentlemen onstage that had toasted it with the tip of his penis as well. SIXTYNINE got some serious action from a queen that skillfully unzipped his pants on the dance floor and also gave him some oral pleasure as well (I don't know if he was exposed or it was through the pants, but I don't think that dude cares all that much). The crowd was a bit older than I expected, and the dancers and pornstars that showed up were a lot more, I don't know, real , to see in person. I honestly didn't have a bad time, I was glad to see my friends really enjoy themselves and to take in all the sights lol. I hadn't really expected to enjoy myself, it is what it is.

Saturday, we headed to Vita, and JUST MISSED the free admission and free vodka. There weren't many people when we first arrived, but in the matter of half an hour, it seems like almost a hundred dudes streamed into that small place. We danced on floor for a minute, and saw the infamous Dwight from the Real Housewives in all his glory having a good ol' time. It got so hot inside that we went outside to take a breather for a minute. Then, I immediately spotted two Morehouse students (because I have this knack for knowing everybody's name and history, but they don't know me of course ), BD and MP. BD was a high ranking SGA official that graduated last year. Short in stature, but not in ego or wardrobe. He immediately comes over, and like any gracious Morehouse Man, gives us the typical display of condescension mixed with intrigue. He is surprise to see SIXTYNINE here, I guess because of his height. But, in any case, after SIXTYNINE caresses his hand, BD goes, "Oh I'm a top, and trust I'm packing, maybe even bigger than you" to SIXTYNINE. Dude, I doubt you are LOL, but anything is possible. Anyway, once BD moves on to continue making his rounds, FRENCHXL gives a call to another friend, who comes to supply some weed. Then, a charming, little liar named Irvington comes over to find out about the square. Irv is a half-Japanese, Half-puerto Rican in town from Michigan by way of Miami, and wants to meet guys "that are interesting in more than sex." He was so pretty that I couldn't help but smile and giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Anyway, he talks to us for a while and even promises to buy me a drink. I know better than anyone that this was a B.S. ting entirely, I had seen him making his way through the whole crowd, with that fake foreign accent playing innocent. An accent immediately gratifies me, makes me want to know more, lol. But yeah, he lied of course lol. I got a few texts from my D.C. friend. He was in town at TRAXX, so I did make the trek out there from Buckhead, but the damn place was hella crowded, and that place was so packed I couldn't begin to find him. The police were like checking the parking lots and arresting people for fighting and "indecent exposure." So I know that was my cue to go home.

I don't think I need to go to any more events. I'd had my fill and I'm ready to move on. One thing I know that I need to do is a complete personal re-assessment, to determine what my weaknesses are (among the many) and more importantly what I consider to be my strengths. Again, I'm slipping into this doomsday outlook on everything. I don't know how to shake it, but I'm really nervous about what's coming. Youth is fleeting, as a gay male, it's a mere millisecond. If this is how things are now, I shudder to think about the future. I have work to do, work on myself.

And sidenote: Since when is the cute the new adjective for any and everything??

Mood: Mean mug on my face

Listening: "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu

Random Quote: Promise me we will buy tickets to fly in next year - SIXTYNINE

Response: I promise you will buy a ticket to come next year. I might be straight by then

La Dolce Vita

SIXTYNINE came back, horny as ever. Since he is finally 21, we decided to head out to some clubs for the local nightlife. At first he had wanted to go to Blake's, so he could dance to disco and house and party with white folks. But we both didn't really care, and eventually just settled on the club promoted by Atlanta's most popular (I guess?) black gay promoter. I have driven past this place numerous times, and it appeared usually packed, line out the door, but today, it was a breeze. I've only been to a few clubs in my life, but I'm always surprised at the difference between 18+ and 21+ clubs, like those three years make a hell of a difference. Compared to some others that I have been to, *cough* TRAXX *cough*, this one was more laid back, dudes were all nice looking, great music, and all around great atmosphere. SIXTYNINE immediately became the target for all of the tall guys in the room. So he had a good time.

All of my party and social experiences in the past have been I went to the party with some friends, talked to them for a minute, then they go off and I become a wallflower. I can't tell you how many awkward walks past dance floors and refreshments I have had in the past, but it's been a lot. I would find somewhere to be posted, get a drink, and that is that. No talking to others, no dancing, a bit of drinking – nothing but strained waiting until the other people I came with were ready to leave. I don't know if I just don't have quite a developed enough personality or what, but that has been every party experience lol. With this in mind, I didn't expect a lot to happen for me at the club. And it didn't lol. I guess I expected some dude to just spot me out of the crowd, whisper something perfect in my ear, and everything else would fall into place. Yeah right. I saw plenty of men that I was attracted to. And I did nothing. I got drunk off of a blue motherfucker, and a margarita. The bartender politely smiled and called me sweetie as he took my LAST 8 DOLLARS lol. I stumble through the club after, probably not looking very attractive or even approachable lol. And that was it.

I admit I was more than a little jealous that SIXTYNINE got more attention than me. But, then again, I wasn't surprised. My apprehension toward these types of events stems from one dull experience after another since I was 13. This is an area that I want to focus on, meeting people at events. Not just in the club atmosphere, but whether it be a cute guy at the bookstore or at an event on campus. Damn, I wish I had a little of that natural charisma that some people do. But you know what? If I want to change it, to become someone else, then I have to work on it. I don't want to radically change who I am, I just want to learn and polish up those parts of myself that I have been neglecting. My level of confidence and social skills are two of them.

Mood: Ok, just HOT

Listening: watching True Blood rerun

Random Quote:

Response: