Back to LA

L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean catchingupat20; I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry; in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm going to take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way. I have a lot of things I want. Confidence, Social Skills, personal Style, Fitness, Relationships, Money, Health, the list goes on and on and on lol. But, I'm going to look at it one day at a time. And do what I can, without rushing or anticipating things and ruining the moment.

 

Mood: Good

Listening: Saudade Vem Correndo by Stan Getz

Random Quote: "All I remember about the dude was that he had Size 17 feet" – OLDGIRL, smiling

Response: *eyeroll* of course that's all YOU remember …

Just One of Them Days …

I'm here in the library, currently working on what I thought was a group project by myself, lol. I have my last final tomorrow, a presentation. And then I am done for the year. Thank you!!! I needed a break from people today. I don't feel like listening to others problems, and I damn sure don't want to talk about my own right now. I wish I had my own place, a little island somewhere or a nice patio, where I could just sit and lay my head back and just be. For the past few weeks, it seems like I can't turn around without stepping on anyone's toes or creating some sort of tension. I have always been a person that seems to carry a lot of tension. I walk fast and with heavy footsteps, and I think I miss a lot of things in rushing around from one project to the next. The main reason I rush is procrastination. Lately, I haven't felt much of an impetus to do anything, and I always seem to finish every project at the last minute and in an incomplete way.

Did I say I hate this library??? SO DAMN LOUD. Black people treat the library like the parking lot at Cascade. If wasn't short and under 150, I would go off on somebody in here.

Little Boy or Grown Ass Man

I have a lot more growing up to do. It's funny to look back and think about the silly things that I have said and done in my life. I remember as a kid I let a friend borrow money from me, and pressured her so much to pay me back that she stole the money out of her mama's purse the next day lol. At an even younger age, I admitted to myself that I was a "child of the sun," and I would not only stare straight into the sun, but I also squinted. The perfect vision I inherited was lost forever. I also cheated on an essay in the 9^th grade. I told everybody in the 5^th grade that Crystal Jackson was a ho, that one of my 'good' friends was a faggot, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I strangely always seem to remember. I didn't think that I would get caught, but I did, and I found myself greatly humbled afterward. I tell lies, and I like to gossip. These are my vices (among others …). I realize know that they manifest often when I find myself at a loss or unwilling to talk about my own life. They can't be excused away, but the reason I tend to fall back on them time and time again, is because I rarely get caught. Today I did.

I have to introduce an interesting cast of characters: CHIPMUNK, CHOCOLATEDROP, MONEY&SEX, and the omnipresent SIXTYNINE. CHIPMUNK I contacted through honesty box on facebook (which I have deleted FOR GOOD as an application). Initially, I thought he was cute and I wanted to get to know him. We shared some messages, and he seemed interesting, so we planned to meet. I invited him to dinner, but I also brought SIXTYNINE along for protection. I, in my own naivety and insecurity, did not realize that he, CHIPMUNK, intended this to be a date. So, as I had gotten to know CHIPMUNK more and more, I began to see the similarities between him and myself. We even went out on another outing that I did not know was a "date" but he considered it to be. Over the past two months, I pretty much haven't spent a weekend away from him. I have come to learn a lot about CHIPMUNK, and I judged him not to be someone that I would pursue romantically. Not only does he seem to carry a deeper degree of depression than myself, but he also has a lot of strange quirks and ways about him that I just couldn't see myself relating to. And I made mistake number 1. I judged CHIPMUNK to be lesser than myself and not worthy of my affection.

CHOCOLATEDROP is CHIPMUNK's best friend, and they share an extremely, extremely close friendship. And also very physical. VERY PHYSICAL. Anyway, I first met him, on one of their weekly jaunts into Piedmont Park. At first, he seemed like the usual, DL, Morehouse, Christian mindless, hypocritical moralist. He claimed that he was a virgin, and seeing as how I met him at Piedmont Park after dark, I had my doubts. I quickly judged him in the negative, because he seemed like a self-important airhead, and talked endlessly about him and the boys that propositioned him on honesty box. I thought he was too effeminate and dramatic for my taste. But CHOCOLATEDROPhas a quality about him, and the more I spent time with him, the more I began to really see him and become attracted to him. I started to love his voice, his smooth, dark skin, his always perfect goatee, and air of confidence and charm. We also shared a brief, but perfect kiss that left him notably disappointed, but left me wanting more. He seemed to be in such high demand, that I did not pursue simply because I didn't have the will to compete for his affection. But herein lays mistake number 2. I hid my feelings about CHOCOLATEDROP, and disrespected him.

MONEY&SEX was originally SIXTYNINE's jump-off. But for some reason, I decided to violate the rule. The rule is that I do not, EVER, hook up nor do anything more with anybody SIXTYNINE has "touched." But I broke the rule with MONEY&SEX, and I don't even know why. I am not particularly attracted to him, or like him even as a friend. But I did, I hooked up with him, and I gave him all of me, including my virginity. I kind of regret that. I haven't been saving myself under any religious or romantic ideal, but at the same time, I imagined it would carry a lot more significance than it did. And I am disappointed in myself in that it didn't mean that much … I don't know. Although I'd like to think of him in a cursory capacity, he does play an important role in what happened this weekend. But what I can't stand about him is that he CONSTANTLY contacts you. I think I received no less than 20 text messages from this guy in a day (and I had responded to less than half). MONEY&SEX expects you to devote so much time and energy to him, yet he didn't want a relationship. In fact, he told me he wanted something between friendship and an official relationship. What the hell is that? But after two romps with him, I think that I am just about through.

I wanted to feel out MONEY&SEX and see where his head was. He had been constantly texting and sending messages online, that I had come to inventing a few lies just to avoid him. Again, he had caught me on face book chat, and was trying to get me to come to his place. I thought I might stave him off by saying that I was somebody else, and I picked CHOCOLATEDROP, because I could say that he was using my laptop (he doesn't have one), and that I had left my facebook logged in. So, what began as a simple deception ended up with horny MONEY&SEX trying to get CHOCOLATEDROP in his room. He quickly asked to be friends, then quickly friended CHOCOLATEDROP. Somehow, MONEY&SEX managed to get the boy in his room, within the hour, and strangely sent me a text of CHOCOLATEDROP on his bed. I immediately became worried. I felt like I had fated them to end up together, with myself another. No, I didn't think CHOCOLATEDROP was cheap, but I always assume the worst to happen, and I somehow that they might end up as a couple from this chance meeting. MONEY&SEX manages to tell CHOCOLATEDROP many things that I had confided in him with, things about the both of them, and certain sexual activities that had been happening in the past week.

All of these activities and secrets and gossip and revelations that I have seeded, prolonged, revealed and concealed have come full circle and hit me smack dab in my face. I have one friend that accused me of having low moral character and not worthy of his trust. Another that considers me TRASH, and beneath him, another that tried to defend me although he knows I messed all up, and yet another "friend" still calling me about coming OVER TO HIS PLACE. This is my fault. I can't evade that, it did most of this, and without a doubt, I deserve the blame if the situation calls for it. But, I'm interested to see that one of my goals for the year was accomplished. I wanted an intense social experience. And these collective happenings definitely have been, not nearly in the way I would have liked. I have a lot of growing up to do, especially if I want to be somebody that is in the jump-off/booty call/friend with benefits/whatever network. It implies a certain level of discretion and nonchalance about sex that I honestly don't share. I know now that I'm not cut out for all of that, definitely not at this point. I call myself a grown ass man, but I then create situations like this. I create these situations because I am often so afraid of telling people what I really think, and to protect myself from having to. And I end up doubly experiencing the emotions I try to avoid.

Maturity is learned. And so are humility, veracity, and courage. Not courage in any grand sense, but just enough to face the things, the people that you have wronged. Enough to face yourself, and your faults. I still can't really do it. I had to leave the room when confronted about what I had said. I just felt so small, so young. Like the same little boy that I was at Parent Elementary, not the 21, soon-to-be senior at Morehouse. Gosh, where is my head lately?

Mood: Greatly Humbled

Listening: "Another Day" by 4hero

Random Quote: My mother always told me that if you get down with trash, you have to brush it off in order to remain clean (or something) - CHOCOLATEDROP

Response: Wow, really, I am trash now Lady Macbeth?

It’s a Thin Line …

I moved all my stuff out of my dormroom to my cousin's house. I know it's early, but I wanted to get it done earlier. Actually, I can't actually say I'm done, I still have a bunch of clothes and a few things left over in there. Every year I do this, I'm amazed at the amount of stuff I have, especially the amount of clothes. I end up giving or throwing away a lot the stuff. And living on the third floor, it's no easy task to haul all that stuff up and down the stairs lol.

SIXTYNINE was there to help. Carried most of the stuff and helped me unpack at my cousin's house. She had her usual jump-off at the house, so we went upstairs to give them their privacy. So SIXTYNINE and I were just laying the on bed, both on laptops and talking about whatever. And for a brief moment we shared a bit of intimacy that I was unsure about, but I let it happen away. For the past month, my definition of what I think of as friend has gone from concrete to very vague. Apparently for most of my friends, sex and intimacy are not equal; so SIXTYNINE can do everything with another friend and it just means nothing. We are all supposed to forget about it, and move on. Even if I liked the person, or if that person is emotionally unstable, or whatever. It's very confusing, and I can't say I'm comfortable with the fact that every person that I know has had some form of sexual contact with him. Hell, I even experienced him perform an act on somebody else! So, where is the line drawn? I don't what a bunch of friends with benefits, where we share each other and debate and discuss each other's sexual exploits in private. I have to have clearer boundaries in my life. I'm not saying that I wouldn't let a future relationship develop from a current friend, but I would prefer not to follow-up on people that all of my friends have already "had." Yuck.

So, I as lay on my bed, next to somebody more than twice my size, the only combination in our growing set that hasn't hooked up, I can only wonder what he is thinking or expecting. I need friends, and I would like a boyfriend. What I don't need is a bunch of in-betweens. Call me crazy or a prud, but I don't want to share sexual favors with friends. SIXTYNINE is a great friend, dare I say my best friend. I don't want that to be turned into something that would become uncomfortable and unclear. I don't care if the rest of the world is crazy, I assume friends are there to be your sense of security. Again this all points back to my need to branch out and meet more people. Sometimes, I wish I could just skip the b.s. and know whether or not this person is a friend, or a potential bf or whatever. It would makes things a lot easier, but a lot less interesting. I'm did not, nor will I do anything with SIXTYNINE or any of my current friends. New people are another story, but that's only when the both of us are sure and certain on what we want from each other. I'm never sure on where I should draw the line.

Mood: Cool

Listening: "Sober" by Pink

Random Quote: "This is nice, us sitting here. I feel like I could do this as the real thing."

Response: yeah, yeah … just no funny business …

 

Won’t Cost a Penny for These Thoughts …

In less than a week, I will be at home. Away from Atlanta, and classes (THANK YOU!), and the townhouse, and my roommate/cousin, and this life I have fallen into here. Indeed, my friend says that I have a life now, I have business. I don't know exactly what that means. What I have had is a strange level of intimacy with two people I wasn't particularly attracted to, but they seemed to be more in the moment than I was. I have had a serious personal feud with a sophomore, and we still haven't quite reconciled that discussion. I shared a brief, but wonderful kiss with somebody that I never expected to be attracted to, but is more arrested in his development than I could ever be.

I think that I am becoming somewhat more confident in terms of being social, but I still have a long way to go. There is this annoying quality within me that arises constantly: the need to be great. No matter what I do, I feel that I should be the best at it. I felt more than a twinge of jealousy at a freshman I know from LA that was featured in the newspaper's Men of the Year issue. I don't know what. I have never been a part of that group, nor have I done what it takes to be a member. Those people that walk across that campus as if they were God's anointed. They freely dole out those masculine greetings of fist bumps and head nops. They chat with the school president and administrators as naturally as anybody else. Comparing yourself to others is a big problem for me. I could look at anyone else, and see them as having that greener grass than my side of the fence.

I know the work that I have to do as a person. I have to speak up and be heard. I have to strive to meet more people. I have to be assertive and aggressive. My prince ain't coming, I have to be my own prince before I can find another. I mean, I'm 21 years old. I'm still going through some of the b.s. that should have been left in elementary school. I can remember my last day of the 5^th grade. A lot of people in my classes often changed schools after this year, and I remember Artel Smith cried because his friend Ben was leaving the school. In fact, they both cried. Then I ran home and cried in my mother's lap because I knew nobody at that school would cry over me. Perhaps, the better question was why I didn't cry over them, but about them.

I have to write in this damn blog everyday as I had promised myself and let go of all the emotional drama I have been going through the past month.

 

Mood: Bothered

Listening: "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell (Love it!)

Random Quote: "I am going to make you fall in love with me by the end of the year …"

Response: *chuckle* Now, that would be surprising …