If I’m Lyin’ I’m Dyin’

When I was a little kid, I used to look straight into the sun and squint. Now I have slowing declining eyesight and depend on my glass and synthetic. Thanks childhood ignorance. I would tell myself that I didn't belong in the school I was in, that I had another place, another family, another life for myself. Delusional? Yeah, but it was a great escape for me, and the being of the lying game for me. I wouldn't consider myself a compulsive liar, but lying comes easy for me. Sometimes I can do it without even thinking. I'll lie about random things that shouldn't matter, like I have an older sister or I was born in Yuma Arizona. In truth, I can't say that I don't know that I'm doing it, I do. I guess I like the idea of getting away with it; deceiving people through trivial details that should not matter at all. I started thinking about this when OLDGIRL came home and was on her Obamanos high (Which I was too earlier in the day). I told her I had gone to campus to watch the inauguration with friends, when in fact, I had just stayed home and texted friends while watching on CNN online. I lied because I didn't want her to have the upper hand, where she is the normal, social one that had fun with friends watching the inauguration at a restaurant, while I, the dysfunctional one, watched at home alone. Although I have lied to her about multiple stupid things in the past, this one kind of irked me. I feel this strange sense of social competition with my cousin already, and I often lie to save face.

If I define a lie as simply as not telling the truth, then I am a much bigger liar than I thought. The longer I let people assume that I am straight and play into the norms of social convention, the greater my deception. I see the benefit in this as a sigh of relaxation. The lie gives me the ability to live without having to explain myself or deal with the baggage of others. A cowardly explanation to be sure. The lie allows me to live without having to do the work of defining my identity. I don't have to grapple as young gay college student if nobody (to my knowledge) knows my sexuality, so it remains in this undeveloped state. I long and desire for my relationships in secret, afraid of both diving into a more subjective and 'exciting' DL lifestyle and living a more open and insecure position of an affirming and open homosexual. Lying is only damaging to me. Other people, however angry or apathetic they would be to my sexuality, aren't phased by the lie, I am. The more I think about it, the more anxiety I feel about what is coming for me. I am a good liar, unfortunately. Despite them having no benefit to me or anyone else, I continue to do it. They buy me time and a false sense of security. One more day I don't have to come to terms with my identity, and one less person's judgment to evade.

Today was a great day, for the obvious reason. I was beaming when I saw the Obamas and the Bidens standing on this white staircase, waving to the Bushes as they flew to Andrews AFB aboard Executive One. I was pleased to see two little black girls excitedly and confidently walk out of the Capitol building and talk their seats as they anticipated their father's transition. I was struck by the love, respect and pride I saw in Michelle Obama's face as she watched her husband complete his oath of office. I was humored by Rev. Lowery comments on color. President Obama has a tough road ahead, and high expectations from the millions that have embraced his message of hope and change. I appreciate that he never assumes the arrogant position of taking full responsibility for the country, he points the load back to the rest of us. We have to take charge of our families, our wallets, our carbon footprint, our careers, and our nation. I voted for Obama not because he was black, or for things that make him singular as an American President. I voted for him because he restored my faith in the American dream. As corny as it is, I have never felt like a whole American until now. I had never cared about politics, the economy, and even my own civil rights as a black gay male, until I saw, heard and felt his message.

Mood: Accepting
Listening: "Lies" by The Black Keys

 

Like a Broken Record

So today, SIXTYNINE and I went to City Café to talk about what the heck I was going through in that texting conversation. I think I offended him in that he gathered that I felt that he wasn't enough of a friend to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have very, VERY few people in this world that I trust. Unfortunately, I can't even count anyone in my family among these ranks, but he is one of those people. The real issue is that I want to know more people. I have been harping on that point for weeks now, but I honestly don't know where to start in this respect. I feel somewhat stuck in the sense that there is no guarantee for me in terms meeting gay people. Morehouse has plenty of gays, from the DL Ying/Yang-ish thug to the Prada and D&G bound fashionista, but there doesn't seem to be much of an in-between. SIXTYNINE is cool, but he is just about the only gay person I know that isn't more than 7 years older than me. He can't be all of my experience, especially since he is a bisexual with a girlfriend. Frankly, I need a little more than that.

I know that I am very hard on people, and especially judgmental and cynical toward new people. I guess I have adopted this mindset of rejecting others before they reject you. I think of myself as better than the queens, too refined for the thugs - just above everyone. And I hate that part of myself. The arrogant, self-serving part that wants to be that flashy, television gay male that has the high powered job, the great house, the nice car, the body, the wardrobe, the friends. The guy that never has a problem finding a one night stand at the club or at Starbucks, all the while maintaining all the other parts of his life with ease. Ok, so I don't really know where this perfect gay male lifestyle exists, but for some reason, I hold this unattainable ideal of what I should be. More often than not, I punish myself and other people for not meeting this impossible standard. I never let anybody get close enough to me, because I fear that they will see me, all of me, and see nothing of value. One of my biggest fears is the thought of ending up alone, a lonely old man in some middle management position waiting for a lonely retirement in some god awful South Florida resting home. Wow, getting more and more dramatic as time goes on haha.

For the new Spring Semester, I am focused on commitment. The commitments I make to myself through my goals and personal statement, as well as commitments to school, family, friends, God, and other aspects of my life. I especially commit to opening up to a new friend, so that I have more than one reliable source that I can depend on, and that will depend on me.

Mood: ehhh … I'm aiight
Listening: Apache by the Incredible Bongo Band

Random Quote: "You are the most closed and undependable person I know and you are my best friend. Explain that one." – SIXTYNINE
My Response: WOW …. Okay …

It Must be Me

Ok, back after a long hiatus haha. I had a lot of hustling to do in registering for classes, getting the townhouse CLEAN and back in working order (OLDGIRL is real messy, had to come home and get my clean on), picking up people from the airport, and dealing with the sub-freezing temperatures on loan to us from our friends in the Midwest, courtesy of those warm North Pacific winds that became an Alberta Clipper. This is the texts of a conversation I had with SIXTYNINE over the phone. It began with us talking about Edie from Desperate Housewives lol, and turned into a sporadic catharsis session for me.

SIXTYNINE: I think this convo speaks of both of us. I envy Edie bc I'm so dependent on others. You are the most counter-depedent person I know and you are against her!

Me: I think you enjoy having people dependent on you rather than the opposite. And Edie is like a carnal parasite to me lol. I am not counter dependent sir!!! I depend on a lot of things haha

SIXTYNINE: I don't know what you depend on, but in terms of who you depend on, the answer is no one. And you see to that at all times.

Me: Oh whatever. Who can I depend on?? That's no one.

SIXTYNINE: In terms of you, that's the attitude that to, no, FUELS, your counter-dependency.

Me: People disappoint you. Only live on their own schedules. Get bored with you. Only want to talk/ think about themselves. Want you to fulfill a role for them adhere to their views. Often, don't offer to help, and when they do, it's not needed nor helpful. Doesn't sound dependable to me …

SIXTYNINE: Sounds like you to me. I think you're dependable, but I have to work hard to earn your trust and see that, and I walk on eggshells to keep it. I guess that being friends

Me: Well, if they don't do it for me, I don't return the favor. And what are you talking about? I have to catch you in the right mood for you to do anything, when you are around.

SIXTYNINE: Who doesn't do it for you? I'd rather give to those that don't deserve than withhold from those that need me.

Me: What??? How do I withhold? What am I withholding, is the better question. Morehouse made it clear for me from day q that I meant very little to the school.

SIXTYNINE: I can't really argue that one. You need me, you got me. I didn't know you still needed me. You do a lot of stuff on your own.

SIXTYNINE: How'd Morehouse tell you that?

Me: By consistently leaving me out to dry. Making me feel more isolated here than I did at a majority jewish private high school on the Westside of Los Angeles. Morehouse has given me no help, no advice, no kind words, no life changing experiences. I can count on one hand the few people here I can relax around.

SIXTYNINE: It surprises me how diff. my experience is. I have never felt more free, more empowered, more loved. Not by the school, but by the people. By my mentor, academic advisor, and my friends. But most importantly, you, my good chum. You have saved me from my little cell.

Me: Well Morehouse is not for everybody, but glad you are benefitting.

SIXTYNINE: This little dorm room and the little, safe box in my head. Without you, and admittedly your car, I'd be miserable

Me: Exactly, THE CAR. Uh huh … lol

SIXTYNINE: If you didn't have a car, I would still feel the same. Stop suspecting people of having terrible motives. YOU are worth all the effort of knowing you – Not your car

Me: I didn't say that. The car was the proxy lol

SIXTYNINE: It was the means, not the motive, to which our friendship flourished.

Me: Well, in any case, I didn't come to Morehouse willingly haha

SIXTYNINE: And I think that's the difference.

Me: Whatever … I just don't feel a thing for this place. I feel like it has stepped on my back with a steel toe boot and it's crushing my spine and soul.

SIXTYNINE: What about ppl like me?

Me: What people like you? Who is like you? Please tell me.

SIXTYNINE: What about me?

Me: (THIS IS MY WHOLE CATHARSIS THING) You are a great friend to me, as you are to all of your friends. Of course I appreciate you, but you alone cannot be my Morehouse experience. And I share your attention along with everyone else. And there have been times you were not there. Just as I'm sure the opposite is true. I can't have only one gay friend, especially when that friend is a bisexual committed to his girlfriend and a vastly different experience than I. but that is where I am. Where is my noah, alex, rickey, chance? There are some things we can talk about, but many we cannot. I feel like I wait between the gaps in your attention with the rest of your friends. I have appreciated the times when I was able to talk with you, and you provided support to me in the ways you are able too. You do more than enough. I want a crew. I have never had that. I jockey myself between people that seem to have fleeting time and interest for me. You have "the guys." I don't. That's my issue with Morehouse and I also feel it among "the guys" that I am secondary, tenuous.

SIXTYNINE: Well don't feel like people don't care about you. It's that they don't know you because you are the lone ranger. The seemingly last of your tribe who has no one.

Me: that's not true. Because I can't talk about myself. There's not much to know. I am always disconnected.

SIXTYNINE: Like you, we all sympathize as much as possible, but if you don't trust or let ppl in, you can't expect ppl to give al to you. You me bc you let me in.

Me: That is something I will work on. I don't want to be seen as gay. The punk, the fairy. I'd rather you know nothing about me than think that. SIXTYNINE, you are extremely nosy haha. There are few people that haven't let you in, because you poke, prod and analyze everyone you know. I may be gay, but that doesn't define me and I don't have the luxury of bisexuality and a girlfriend to confound that stereotype to others. What do I have? A few stolen conversations with you and the constrained advances of FANCYSLIM! That is insufficient. I just want to know somebody that is gay and proud and individual that can show me the ropes. I want peer connections, I want somebody to love. Somebody to hold me, and somebody to visit in my room and joke with me about guys or whatever, that I don't feel I have to entertain. Most interactions I have are awkward because I am waiting for the other person to get bored or find my faults and move on.

SIXTYNINE: Reread that last one.

Me: I hate that, but I know that nobody cares in the long run. So what am I supposed to do? I just assume that about people. I don't have any outstanding thing about me that turns people's heads like you. I am generally unnoticed. Usually, I am ok with that. But if you want to meet people and start something, it is unbearable. But I am over it, that is life. Resigning your disappointments and failures. Picking up the pieces, and living. Just mangled guts pretending to be whole. (yeah I stole that from Angels in America, so sue me)

SIXTYNINE: You sound like a depressive. I'm starting to worry.

Me: I always am hopeful, but that hope gets dashed consistently. Lol, no sir, it takes an effort – energy – to be depressed. Too lazy and apathetic for that. It's a useless emotion, and I am something of an egotist. Another reason I am always unsatisfied and disappointed. I think I always deserve more or better or that certain things of people should come to me.

SIXTYNINE: We should go to lunch tomorrow

Me: don't give me any special attention due to this rant. I'm not depressed, just in a rut that began at puberty. I have to climb out myself lol. Have to claim responsibility for change.

I am becoming a whiny, self loathing lump. I mean, somebody should really kick my ass for what I wrote there. I have an ego, but not in a confident sense, but in a negative one. It's almost as if I take a subversive pride in being negative about myself and not progressing. Secretly I feel that I should get the attention, have the confidence, then I eagerly beat myself up for thinking this and being disappointed when things don't go my way. I am so conflicted it's ridiculous. Then I manage to alienate SIXTYNINE and lull attention out of him. That is soo dishonest and abusive on my part. Despite the strange talks we have had in the past, he has always had an open ear, yet here I go again, claiming I have no one and that I am all alone. I was right about making new friends and and wanting somebody for myself. On account of his circumstance, SIXTYNINE has the opportunity to be himself, or, at least part of it. I close people off that I don't trust, so naturally, I don't know a lot of people lol. I still believe that things are looking up, but I should, no I WILL try to some slipping into this unproductive self-pity that is not helping me reach my goals or complete anything.

 

Mood: sleepy
Listening: "Everyday" by Carly Comado

Random Quote: "I'm going to oil my scalp." - OLDGIRL
My Response: … ooookkkaaayyy ….?

Waiting On My Jet Plane

No whining and no complaining.

I'm going to stop saying to myself the same BS that I have been for years. I can't constantly see myself through a lens of pessimism. On the one hand, I do not want to ever be considered as conceited. I have enough pompous people around, some that I am friends with, to know when to check myself in that respect. But through my experience, I have come to be a person that more easily finds fault that fortune. I can criticize myself and others to death, but I often cannot even give a compliment to somebody or pride myself on something. What is the source of that? I have a terrible memory, and I don't remember most of my childhood beyond basic things. Something or things happened over time that have closed me off, caused me to adopt a high level of neuroticism and negativity, both toward myself and toward others. I can complain and make snide comments about myself, and put myself down before I feel that others will.

I have been hanging out with BLACKFRAT, and his two other friends LITESTREET and ABERCROMBIE for most of the break here in LA. Generally, the conversation drifts from them reminiscing about the elementary school, to talking about girls, to the failed business ventures they have tried in the past. BLACKFRAT and I have been friends for a while. We went to the same high school, and we used to play tennis together years ago at Rancho. He is a likeable guy, and what I have come to admire and respect about him is that he can talk to ANYBODY. He is well-connected within L.A.'s tiny "elite" black upper middle class, and a smart guy as well. He also can be extremely pompous, and arrogant. He loves getting complements, and he will never, EVER let you win an argument or have anything said about him that isn't positive. Just last time, I was talking to him and LITESTREET and somehow he felt it necessary to say "I've always had the softest skin, I don't have to wear lotion." Oh. My. God. Dude. He makes comments like this all the time and it just begs the question, do you hear yourself?? Maybe this quality about him that annoys me the most is something that I can learn from him. I can be less self-defeating, and more self-promoting. Perhaps not to the degree that he has taken it, but to a level that says that I am confident.

Where Do I Go From Here

I haven't thought much about going back to Atlanta. In fact, I've been trying to zone it out. Last semester definitely wasn't terrible or more difficult that others, but it was not the best for me. I tend to do better in the spring, so I'm hopeful that it will be better this time around. For the New Year, one of the things that I want to let go is of self-isolation. More often than not, I tend to push people away. I so easily drift into this quiet and rude attitude that I give off. I become easily offended; I get jealous when people talk about themselves. Something about being with other people, and I eventually shut down, find some reasons to not like them or consider myself lesser in their presence.

I've been thinking about my personal style for a while now. I have never been much of a fashionista, or particularly trendy or stylish. I am way too cheap (concerning clothes at least) to shop at most stores, and I don't always dress myself very well. Many of my friends have told me pretty blatantly that I have a poor sense of style; in fact, PRIVATEPLAN described me as a poor dresser. Yeah, that hurt. This thing about style, about dress and demeanor, this goes back to my need to decide what kind of person I want to be. Although I hate to admit it, what you wear is really important and says a lot about the type of person you are. I have usually adopted this smug opinion that I take myself and my life too seriously to be worried about how I dress. But that is easy to do when you don't want to admit to yourself that you don't want to put in the effort to dress. I have been going to a lot of different stores, from Burlington Coat Factory to Macy's Men Store to even Ben Sherman. I don't know what a Ferregamo looks like, and the Mont Blanc store looked so expensive and fleeting that I held my wallet as I walked past it. I want to incorporate a better sense of style into my life, but only on my own terms. Perhaps I will take on a specific style set, like preppy, or hipster, or urban nerd (think Spike Lee in his first movies). Or I will mix and match to create the look that I want, that could be all of these and none at the same time. What I do know is that I don't know a thing about clothes lol. And to me, it seems like every store and every designer seems to have the same things, I don't know.

On Thursday I will be back in the South. Back to classes, and meetings, and commuting between campus and my cousin's townhouse. Back to awkward walks up and down the hill. Back to the mediocre, and disheartening food of the caf. Back to an extremely limited circle of friends, and an even smaller circle of people that I trust. I know that things are better now, and feel better about myself and my life than I did last year. But I am still worried about a few things. I still feel alone. I still am socially leagues behind my cohorts. I have never been in relationship, not even had sex. At nearly 21 years old, that's pretty bad. I realize that there is no timeline, no specific set of events or milestones that I NEED to accomplish, because I am not really accountable to anybody but myself and to God. I just wish I knew what lay ahead. Right now I'm really unsure, and I don't know what I want or what I am ready for. But I do want to change.

Mood: Thoughtful
Listening: Every Little Thing She Does is Magic – The Police

Back

 

It's 33 hours late, but Happy New Year! This has been an interesting year for me, and I can gladly say that I am better off now that at the start of 2008. Although I am almost done with colleges, I am looking forward to moving on to a new city, graduate school, and the chance to meet new friends. Emphasis on that last one. I realize that the biggest thing that has motivated me through my life is fear. I don't talk to people, I don't push myself, I don't speak my mind – all out of fear. In the safety of my room it's all too easy to claim that, "I'm going to let go of my fear and experience life." But I don't live in this room, and I will likely be nervous or afraid again. What I need to do is just let it go. That is often the hardest thing for me to do.

Listening: Love That Girl by Raphael Saadiq
Random Quote: "Catchingupat20, you are definitely a no-man." – BLACKFRAT to me, after watching Yes Man bootlegs
My Response: No I'm not …