Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Like a Broken Record

So today, SIXTYNINE and I went to City Café to talk about what the heck I was going through in that texting conversation. I think I offended him in that he gathered that I felt that he wasn't enough of a friend to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have very, VERY few people in this world that I trust. Unfortunately, I can't even count anyone in my family among these ranks, but he is one of those people. The real issue is that I want to know more people. I have been harping on that point for weeks now, but I honestly don't know where to start in this respect. I feel somewhat stuck in the sense that there is no guarantee for me in terms meeting gay people. Morehouse has plenty of gays, from the DL Ying/Yang-ish thug to the Prada and D&G bound fashionista, but there doesn't seem to be much of an in-between. SIXTYNINE is cool, but he is just about the only gay person I know that isn't more than 7 years older than me. He can't be all of my experience, especially since he is a bisexual with a girlfriend. Frankly, I need a little more than that.

I know that I am very hard on people, and especially judgmental and cynical toward new people. I guess I have adopted this mindset of rejecting others before they reject you. I think of myself as better than the queens, too refined for the thugs - just above everyone. And I hate that part of myself. The arrogant, self-serving part that wants to be that flashy, television gay male that has the high powered job, the great house, the nice car, the body, the wardrobe, the friends. The guy that never has a problem finding a one night stand at the club or at Starbucks, all the while maintaining all the other parts of his life with ease. Ok, so I don't really know where this perfect gay male lifestyle exists, but for some reason, I hold this unattainable ideal of what I should be. More often than not, I punish myself and other people for not meeting this impossible standard. I never let anybody get close enough to me, because I fear that they will see me, all of me, and see nothing of value. One of my biggest fears is the thought of ending up alone, a lonely old man in some middle management position waiting for a lonely retirement in some god awful South Florida resting home. Wow, getting more and more dramatic as time goes on haha.

For the new Spring Semester, I am focused on commitment. The commitments I make to myself through my goals and personal statement, as well as commitments to school, family, friends, God, and other aspects of my life. I especially commit to opening up to a new friend, so that I have more than one reliable source that I can depend on, and that will depend on me.

Mood: ehhh … I'm aiight
Listening: Apache by the Incredible Bongo Band

Random Quote: "You are the most closed and undependable person I know and you are my best friend. Explain that one." – SIXTYNINE
My Response: WOW …. Okay …

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