I haven't thought much about going back to Atlanta. In fact, I've been trying to zone it out. Last semester definitely wasn't terrible or more difficult that others, but it was not the best for me. I tend to do better in the spring, so I'm hopeful that it will be better this time around. For the New Year, one of the things that I want to let go is of self-isolation. More often than not, I tend to push people away. I so easily drift into this quiet and rude attitude that I give off. I become easily offended; I get jealous when people talk about themselves. Something about being with other people, and I eventually shut down, find some reasons to not like them or consider myself lesser in their presence.
I've been thinking about my personal style for a while now. I have never been much of a fashionista, or particularly trendy or stylish. I am way too cheap (concerning clothes at least) to shop at most stores, and I don't always dress myself very well. Many of my friends have told me pretty blatantly that I have a poor sense of style; in fact, PRIVATEPLAN described me as a poor dresser. Yeah, that hurt. This thing about style, about dress and demeanor, this goes back to my need to decide what kind of person I want to be. Although I hate to admit it, what you wear is really important and says a lot about the type of person you are. I have usually adopted this smug opinion that I take myself and my life too seriously to be worried about how I dress. But that is easy to do when you don't want to admit to yourself that you don't want to put in the effort to dress. I have been going to a lot of different stores, from Burlington Coat Factory to Macy's Men Store to even Ben Sherman. I don't know what a Ferregamo looks like, and the Mont Blanc store looked so expensive and fleeting that I held my wallet as I walked past it. I want to incorporate a better sense of style into my life, but only on my own terms. Perhaps I will take on a specific style set, like preppy, or hipster, or urban nerd (think Spike Lee in his first movies). Or I will mix and match to create the look that I want, that could be all of these and none at the same time. What I do know is that I don't know a thing about clothes lol. And to me, it seems like every store and every designer seems to have the same things, I don't know.
On Thursday I will be back in the South. Back to classes, and meetings, and commuting between campus and my cousin's townhouse. Back to awkward walks up and down the hill. Back to the mediocre, and disheartening food of the caf. Back to an extremely limited circle of friends, and an even smaller circle of people that I trust. I know that things are better now, and feel better about myself and my life than I did last year. But I am still worried about a few things. I still feel alone. I still am socially leagues behind my cohorts. I have never been in relationship, not even had sex. At nearly 21 years old, that's pretty bad. I realize that there is no timeline, no specific set of events or milestones that I NEED to accomplish, because I am not really accountable to anybody but myself and to God. I just wish I knew what lay ahead. Right now I'm really unsure, and I don't know what I want or what I am ready for. But I do want to change.
Listening: Every Little Thing She Does is Magic – The Police