Monday, January 19, 2009

It Must be Me

Ok, back after a long hiatus haha. I had a lot of hustling to do in registering for classes, getting the townhouse CLEAN and back in working order (OLDGIRL is real messy, had to come home and get my clean on), picking up people from the airport, and dealing with the sub-freezing temperatures on loan to us from our friends in the Midwest, courtesy of those warm North Pacific winds that became an Alberta Clipper. This is the texts of a conversation I had with SIXTYNINE over the phone. It began with us talking about Edie from Desperate Housewives lol, and turned into a sporadic catharsis session for me.

SIXTYNINE: I think this convo speaks of both of us. I envy Edie bc I'm so dependent on others. You are the most counter-depedent person I know and you are against her!

Me: I think you enjoy having people dependent on you rather than the opposite. And Edie is like a carnal parasite to me lol. I am not counter dependent sir!!! I depend on a lot of things haha

SIXTYNINE: I don't know what you depend on, but in terms of who you depend on, the answer is no one. And you see to that at all times.

Me: Oh whatever. Who can I depend on?? That's no one.

SIXTYNINE: In terms of you, that's the attitude that to, no, FUELS, your counter-dependency.

Me: People disappoint you. Only live on their own schedules. Get bored with you. Only want to talk/ think about themselves. Want you to fulfill a role for them adhere to their views. Often, don't offer to help, and when they do, it's not needed nor helpful. Doesn't sound dependable to me …

SIXTYNINE: Sounds like you to me. I think you're dependable, but I have to work hard to earn your trust and see that, and I walk on eggshells to keep it. I guess that being friends

Me: Well, if they don't do it for me, I don't return the favor. And what are you talking about? I have to catch you in the right mood for you to do anything, when you are around.

SIXTYNINE: Who doesn't do it for you? I'd rather give to those that don't deserve than withhold from those that need me.

Me: What??? How do I withhold? What am I withholding, is the better question. Morehouse made it clear for me from day q that I meant very little to the school.

SIXTYNINE: I can't really argue that one. You need me, you got me. I didn't know you still needed me. You do a lot of stuff on your own.

SIXTYNINE: How'd Morehouse tell you that?

Me: By consistently leaving me out to dry. Making me feel more isolated here than I did at a majority jewish private high school on the Westside of Los Angeles. Morehouse has given me no help, no advice, no kind words, no life changing experiences. I can count on one hand the few people here I can relax around.

SIXTYNINE: It surprises me how diff. my experience is. I have never felt more free, more empowered, more loved. Not by the school, but by the people. By my mentor, academic advisor, and my friends. But most importantly, you, my good chum. You have saved me from my little cell.

Me: Well Morehouse is not for everybody, but glad you are benefitting.

SIXTYNINE: This little dorm room and the little, safe box in my head. Without you, and admittedly your car, I'd be miserable

Me: Exactly, THE CAR. Uh huh … lol

SIXTYNINE: If you didn't have a car, I would still feel the same. Stop suspecting people of having terrible motives. YOU are worth all the effort of knowing you – Not your car

Me: I didn't say that. The car was the proxy lol

SIXTYNINE: It was the means, not the motive, to which our friendship flourished.

Me: Well, in any case, I didn't come to Morehouse willingly haha

SIXTYNINE: And I think that's the difference.

Me: Whatever … I just don't feel a thing for this place. I feel like it has stepped on my back with a steel toe boot and it's crushing my spine and soul.

SIXTYNINE: What about ppl like me?

Me: What people like you? Who is like you? Please tell me.

SIXTYNINE: What about me?

Me: (THIS IS MY WHOLE CATHARSIS THING) You are a great friend to me, as you are to all of your friends. Of course I appreciate you, but you alone cannot be my Morehouse experience. And I share your attention along with everyone else. And there have been times you were not there. Just as I'm sure the opposite is true. I can't have only one gay friend, especially when that friend is a bisexual committed to his girlfriend and a vastly different experience than I. but that is where I am. Where is my noah, alex, rickey, chance? There are some things we can talk about, but many we cannot. I feel like I wait between the gaps in your attention with the rest of your friends. I have appreciated the times when I was able to talk with you, and you provided support to me in the ways you are able too. You do more than enough. I want a crew. I have never had that. I jockey myself between people that seem to have fleeting time and interest for me. You have "the guys." I don't. That's my issue with Morehouse and I also feel it among "the guys" that I am secondary, tenuous.

SIXTYNINE: Well don't feel like people don't care about you. It's that they don't know you because you are the lone ranger. The seemingly last of your tribe who has no one.

Me: that's not true. Because I can't talk about myself. There's not much to know. I am always disconnected.

SIXTYNINE: Like you, we all sympathize as much as possible, but if you don't trust or let ppl in, you can't expect ppl to give al to you. You me bc you let me in.

Me: That is something I will work on. I don't want to be seen as gay. The punk, the fairy. I'd rather you know nothing about me than think that. SIXTYNINE, you are extremely nosy haha. There are few people that haven't let you in, because you poke, prod and analyze everyone you know. I may be gay, but that doesn't define me and I don't have the luxury of bisexuality and a girlfriend to confound that stereotype to others. What do I have? A few stolen conversations with you and the constrained advances of FANCYSLIM! That is insufficient. I just want to know somebody that is gay and proud and individual that can show me the ropes. I want peer connections, I want somebody to love. Somebody to hold me, and somebody to visit in my room and joke with me about guys or whatever, that I don't feel I have to entertain. Most interactions I have are awkward because I am waiting for the other person to get bored or find my faults and move on.

SIXTYNINE: Reread that last one.

Me: I hate that, but I know that nobody cares in the long run. So what am I supposed to do? I just assume that about people. I don't have any outstanding thing about me that turns people's heads like you. I am generally unnoticed. Usually, I am ok with that. But if you want to meet people and start something, it is unbearable. But I am over it, that is life. Resigning your disappointments and failures. Picking up the pieces, and living. Just mangled guts pretending to be whole. (yeah I stole that from Angels in America, so sue me)

SIXTYNINE: You sound like a depressive. I'm starting to worry.

Me: I always am hopeful, but that hope gets dashed consistently. Lol, no sir, it takes an effort – energy – to be depressed. Too lazy and apathetic for that. It's a useless emotion, and I am something of an egotist. Another reason I am always unsatisfied and disappointed. I think I always deserve more or better or that certain things of people should come to me.

SIXTYNINE: We should go to lunch tomorrow

Me: don't give me any special attention due to this rant. I'm not depressed, just in a rut that began at puberty. I have to climb out myself lol. Have to claim responsibility for change.

I am becoming a whiny, self loathing lump. I mean, somebody should really kick my ass for what I wrote there. I have an ego, but not in a confident sense, but in a negative one. It's almost as if I take a subversive pride in being negative about myself and not progressing. Secretly I feel that I should get the attention, have the confidence, then I eagerly beat myself up for thinking this and being disappointed when things don't go my way. I am so conflicted it's ridiculous. Then I manage to alienate SIXTYNINE and lull attention out of him. That is soo dishonest and abusive on my part. Despite the strange talks we have had in the past, he has always had an open ear, yet here I go again, claiming I have no one and that I am all alone. I was right about making new friends and and wanting somebody for myself. On account of his circumstance, SIXTYNINE has the opportunity to be himself, or, at least part of it. I close people off that I don't trust, so naturally, I don't know a lot of people lol. I still believe that things are looking up, but I should, no I WILL try to some slipping into this unproductive self-pity that is not helping me reach my goals or complete anything.


Mood: sleepy
Listening: "Everyday" by Carly Comado

Random Quote: "I'm going to oil my scalp." - OLDGIRL
My Response: … ooookkkaaayyy ….?

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I think there comes a time in all our lives that we discover that life isn't the way we believed it should be. When we accept the difference we get somewhat depressed, but over time we begin to make the best of the life we have.

    Hang in there, I believe in your ability to do so.