A PENN Thanksgiving

One of the stipulations I made to myself in starting these reflections was to write a weekly, monthly, and eventually yearly review, based on daily writing. I can barely commit to writing daily, but I will try. I have a good amount of work coming up for the end of the semester, and I need to focus on that. But at the same time, I want to actually write something here everyday. I'm going to try it for this week, starting today. Hopefully this works out.

I spent Thanksgiving with my friends BLACKFRAT and ABERCROMBIE for Thanksgiving. BLACKFRAT goes to the business school at Wharton and ABERCROMBIE is an engineering major at Lehigh. BLACKFRAT is a member of a majority white fraternity, with an amazing house in West Philadelphia. As much as he complains about his brothers, I don't see how he could. Full service kitchen with deep-freeze refrigerators, 8 burner stove and island, 50in flat screen in the living room, full basement with another 50 inch and bathroom, and their rooms are too great to describe here. Of course, he is paying about 1800 a month, which I'm told is a deal? (Thank God for my SCHOLARSHIP) But anyway, the three of us have been friends since high school, and they are both straight and had no issues when I came out to them. We prepared and ate dinner with some of BLACKFRAT's brothers and friends from school. For the rest of the weekend, we did work, chilled, saw a movie, had some drinks, and reminisced about high school and how things are different now. It's weird to me to think that in a year, BLACKFRAT won't be in college and will have a real job, ABERCROMBIE and I will be seniors getting ready for graduate school. I remember when none of us could drive and now I hear BLACKFRAT talking about buying a house. We are sooo old.

Thinking about my friendships with BLACKFRAT and ABERCROMBIE makes me think about the different context I have in terms of my relationship with them. Before, I would uncomfortably join in their revelry of talking about what girl was fine or issues in their relationships. I learned ways to dodge questions about who I was interested in, I had come to sort of "desex" myself, if there is such a word. Not only with these two friends, but in general, I tend to never talk about any of my physical or sexual attractions, and I know that that is a problem. For most of my life so far, I come to realize that I am not the most attractive or appealing person. I am not tall, I don't have 'swag', I have a relatively high voice, I am not very athletic. I have to concede these things to fate; I did not luck out here at all. When people compare me to things, I have gotten the gambit from preacher to encyclopedia brown to professor to "gay in spirit" to marrying type. None of these things are very sexy or exciting, definitely not in my opinion. At a young age I told myself that I would have to be used to the idea that I might not find somebody, because nobody ever sees me in a physical or sexual context. I never wanted to be some big ho or playa, but it would be nice to feel wanted. It starts with me. If I don't think of myself as appealing, I can't expect any else to.

In the spirit of the holiday, I did take some time to think about what I am grateful for. I was happy to be about to have kept two very good friends and to be able to afford to travel and spend Thanksgiving with them. I was (and still am) grateful for my scholarship, that allows me not to have to worry about money as much as most college students do. I have met an incredible select group of people throughout my wanderings through craigslist and the like who have not written me off as boring or tried to take advantage of me, but seem to have taken a genuine interest in me and value my opinion. I am grateful that I have my family, and that they continue to put up with me no matter how much I try to pull away from them. I am also thankful to be me, that is, I appreciate that I am the person that I am. I am learning to appreciate all sides of myself, my sarcasm, silliness, stubbornness, curiosity, all the negative and positive parts that make me me.

Mood: Anxious
Listening: "Shattered" by O.A.R.

Stop Before you Begin

I'm sitting here in the library, at the beginning of the end of the semester, and I realize that I am at a new point in my life. I came out to myself, just last year, a few days after my birthday, and I can say that I am in very different place personally, socially and emotionally than I was at the same time last year. I am trying to understand what it means for me to be gay – everything from sex, to dating, to friendship, to intimacy, and it is really challenging to figure out how I should make it work. Should I be out and proud, wearing a t-shirt that was sperm dumpster and sport the rainbow on the back of my car. Should I hold back, understanding that many people around and close to me will not appreciate this side of myself? Should I be having a "ho-phase," and get that nightclub, partying, sex experience that I have not taken part, unlike my straight peers? Or should I look to be in a stable relationship, and try to find somebody to build something with, despite all the cynical but often true stereotypes about gay men, particularly black gay men?

There's a lot of things I will eventually have to step back and examine, but I feel good. I'm not great, I'm still going through the same issues with my own shyness, self-absorption and anger/anxiety. I still have very little patience for others. I still let my anger get the best of me at times. Sometimes, I feel a great anxiety within myself, and sometimes I feel nothing. All I know is that I am changing, growing in to the person that I am going to be.

I had a very interesting encounter with SIXTYNINE and of his favorite closet cases (but definitely not one of mine), and I'll call him FANCYSLIM. FANCYSLIM is as the name suggests, a slightly more effeminate, but intensely smart gay man that is clinically in the closet. And when I say this I mean that he has a mental issue with his homosexuality that goes beyond anything I could understand. He is about 6'3'', dresses well, and takes himself very seriously. One thing about him is that he thinks that he is so very deft at being DL, but he is so conspicuously gay, that I find it hard to believe that he thinks others really think he is straight. I'd call it delusion, but who am I to judge? So early this morning, I was talking in my room with SIXTYNINE, and FANCYSLIM just barges in, demanding that "We need to talk." Now, he has a reputation for his large endowment (as SIXTYNINE has told me from experience *eyeroll*, too much information). His saying we need to talk is code for "I want to dominate you in all ways." Personally I never liked him much before, so now, I'm a little insulted that he thinks that I should bow to him that easy. SIXTYNINE picks up on what is going on, and tries to leave the room, then our other, straight friend enters the room, and the conversation gets real weird. FANCYSLIM gets kind of sassy, and then starts sending me texts about "getting these other dudes out the room so we can talk." And I'm texting SIXTYNINE saying, "get this nigga out of my room!" So, apart from surface conversation the four of us where having, SIXTYNINE, FANCYSLIM and myself were texting each other back and forth in some weird sexual mediation. I felt so uncomfortable, like FANCYSLIM might try something bold if the other guys left, and I would not be about to handle that at this point. And the funny thing about all of this is that the straight guy didn't pick up on any of this. He just RELAXING. Oh, what ignorant bliss. I finally managed to get him out the room, and he tells me "We're done." I'm like, uhh we never got started, and never will, not in this lifetime.

I understand that it is hard to be gay, but I am so tired of the level of immaturity among the people of my age bracket. I'm not the most mature person to be sure; I can be as shallow and callous as the worst of them. But what I do not want to be is messy. Getting involved with FANCYSLIM would be messy, considering his own personal record, and my lack of one. I definitely can't have my first be with somebody like him. First, there's no physical attraction, and second, I really don't like his personality. He only calls when he is drunk and horny, and only uses you to his own advantage. The more I have come to learn from him and others that I have been talking to, the more I realize that there are a lot more gay men than I assumed, and that they, or we all have issues. Life is complicated, people have problems with themselves that they grapple with. I don't want my sexuality to be something that is so hidden and repressed that I only allow to surface when I drunk call people in my dorm to get off. If that makes me lame or less of a man for my low sexual appetite, then fine. I'll take the title. Are their times when I get that feeling of wanting a man so bad that I can't even sleep at night or focus in class, YES. But, I simply try to err on the side of caution, especially in not wanting to make my life complicated for the wrong reasons. I would just like to share my first time with somebody with confidence, compassion, and a mutual sense of physical and emotion attraction. I'm honestly really afraid of being bad or not getting the other person's approval. A sexual teacher? Mmmm … well, that sounds crazy, but, yeah might be nice …

A skewed perspective

Although I am California born and bred, I am loving the cold weather. The colors changing in the trees, and the brisk chill in the air make me feel energized. Of course, I am also remembering the hot and humid oppression that I endured in New York, Boston, and Atlanta this summer, so I am embracing the fall and winter weather. I'm heading to Philadelphia to visit friends at UPenn for Thanksgiving. I'm not looking forward to being in a much colder place. Apparently my friend plans to set me up with one of his frat brothers (eyeroll haha), so I'll see how that goes ...

SIXTYNINE texted me saying he missed his bud, so we out to get something to eat. I'm still furious with him, but I am learning to bit my tongue on this things. He's been there for me numerous times in the past, so the least I can do is hear him out and spend some time. I did make friends and interpersonal relationships a priority on my Mission Statement, after all. He is one of the first people I came out to and I do have a certain comfort level with him. I just have to spend some time AWAY from him every once in a while, so he doesn't drive me insane.

His whole thing seems to be, yet again, trying to boost my confidence and telling me that sex is the answer. Now I just zone him out on those things, and not discuss that with him. I can't get mad at his opinion. Would I mind something right about now, NO haha. But, I'm not going to become another DL cruiser, the AUC is already full of those. When he asked what I was looking for in a guy, I said: cool, funny, confident, taller than me, smart, ambitious, and different. Then he says "Oh, so see you are a narcissist dater. You want somebody exactly like yourself. You need to realize that you are just fine and ..." he went on and on. Dude, whatever. Psychology majors, they always have the answer to all of your problems, but barely have their own stuff together.

Mr. BIGGIERICH is at some conference in Oregon, and I'm been talking to him about his trip and stuff. Recently, I think I've been getting a vibe from him that he is interested, but he is so guarded and quiet about his emotions that I could be wrong. I joked with him about his finding a mountain man or the Brawny man to bring back to Atlanta, and he laughed along with it, and suggested I should come with him next time. Mmmm ... which is interesting, because he generally acts nonchalant towards me face-to-face, but over the phone, he is basically a big flirt. He'll make sly little comments, and make sure I have to come to his office before I see the boss. For some reason, he left me a voicemail with the number to the hotel and his room number. Things that make you go Mmmm...

I reactivated my long dead BGC account, and again I have just about given up on the whole online thing. I don't know if my profile is too boring, or I am too picky, but either way, I get no love on there. I try to send messages with genuine questions and anything more that the proverbial "wat's gud" but I am rebuffed yet again. I explicitly make it clear that I am not looking for sex, mainly friends and I am open to more. But I realize that BGC is a culture all it's own. There are the profiles of guys who just want to get the most votes for Sexiest Mixed or Best Thug, the dick/ass out shots that have obivious goals, the pretty bois that want attention from those they deem worthy, and a lot of variation in between. Rejection here is easier than in real life to be sure, but still hard.

Mood: Good
Listening: "It's Over" by John Legend
Random Quote: "You are so cute. How old are you? I just want to pinch your cheek" - random chick from Emory
My Response: Ok, I'm 20, and I have a 5 o'clock shadow. How young could I really look?

Chill Day

I really love fall in Atlanta. It doesn't get as cold here as it does in most other places in the country, the sun is still shining most days, and you can get the winter feel without the snow. Even today, the wind was whipping outside and I loved it. Even as my RA dragged half the dorm out the building for a fire drill and tried to give us residents some holier than thou lecture about the importance of safety and attending meetings. Ok, my RA is too gay to function, and it is hilarious to me when I see him try to take this authoritative, masculine tone. Not that a gay person can't do these things, but still, you have to see the guy. He is short, with that snake-like look akin to Miguel Nunez (from Sparks and Sparks and Harlem Knights), and wears the perpetual earring. But after the meeting I stayed in the room and took some much needed blogging time.

Going back in the dorm, I am thinking about my relationship with SIXTYNINE. We are fairly good friends, but sometimes he angers me to the point that I can't see to look at him. Although I have my own issues about bisexuality, I just often find myself at odds with him on most things. Selfish as it is, I don't think I get anything out of the friendship and vice versa. Although SIXTYNINE is much more open about his sexuality, in truth his sexuality is secondary to his personality. He is personably, amiable and charming, and has other characteristics that make him hard not to notice. The issue for me is that his personality and his opinion are just too overbearing for me right now. I don't need somebody telling me what they think I need and what I should be doing. I'm tired of hearing that the answer to all my problems is sex, and I am tired of being your secondary friend. I hate that. I'm not demanding of others, if I were I wouldn't call myself lonely. I just need to feel that my friends genuinely respect me, and that we share certain things in common. I don't laugh with SIXTYNINE, and a lot of the time I feel that our conversations are strained and contrived.

I went back to the house, where I found OLDGIRL cleaning up, and I went upstairs and fell straight asleep. My sleeping schedule has been kind of whacked lately, some days I sleep for 4 hours and some days for 8, and I know it's probably wrecking havoc on my body. I haven't been eating right or working out, so I have to get back on track in terms of my goals for my body. This last week was so crazy for me that I am just glad to get the chance to rest and reflect. I realize now that there is so much more that I need to be doing, there is so much in terms of classes, grad school, THE GRE, my social life, my health, club responsibilities. It's a lot to keep track of. If I want to make these changes and develop something, it starts with me. So, I'll go reread my personal statement, correct all the grammatical mistakes, and tell myself that I will live by it.

Mood: Spaced Out
Listening: The random NewNowNext stuff on LOGO
Random Quote:
My Response:

Get Real

One thing that I need to wean myself off of is texting. I tend to text A LOT, at least 60+ messages a day. I'm been texting PRIVATEPLAN as well as BIGGIERICH a lot, and the strange conversations we have on there is clue enough for me that it's not a good thing. It's too easy to be misinterpreted, cut out of the conversation, and be braver in your comments. Depending on the people I am with, I tend to be pretty reserved (or, at least I'd to think of myself that way) in terms of face-to-face interactions. But through text messaging or IM, that's a whole other story. I get really sarcastic and mean. I say things I wouldn't say in public or in private because I get this feeling of anonymity, even though all the people I text with I know.
In the week, I began to realize that a lot of the things I do are unneccesary and really unhelpful in the long run. "Shoot myself in the foot, then try to run a marathon" is what my dad always tells me. One of those things is false hope. No, I'm not talking about hope in the grand sense, but just in terms of men. Atlanta is full of attractive black men, gay, straight and everything in between. My issue is that the childish, fickle part of myself holds this strange hope that some fine man will sweep me off my feet and be everything that I think I need. Anytime I see a man that I am attracted to, I feel that nervous excitement. I try not to be obvious and make an ass out of myself. But that's bad. I have to realize that if you want something to happen, be it just sex for the night or a longterm relationship, you have to put out to the world you want that, and go for it. It will never come to you. I also realize that not every man is gay or sgl, and even then, there's no guarentee they are interested in me.. It's hard to do this, considering where I go to school, and the city I'm in, but I have to try. It's not realistic or healthy for me to hope for something that may never happen. I want to believe in the Secret and get what I desire, no what I DESERVE, but i have to be prepared if that doesn't happen.
So yesterday was pretty uneventful. I was running around trying to get registration straight for next year, and of course I had a few problems. I was able to FINALLY pick up my checks for work, and got to hang with BIGGIERICH for a bit. I'm starting to really admire in the sense of what he has done for himself. Basically he finished school by himself, and starting buying property through saving his own money. The man works 50 jobs, and goes to school and is Mr. GOP (more on that later ...). I hope to be like that when I get older. Financial security is important, but most people in my career track are exactly breaking the bank, unless they go into politics, work for a university, or get popular when they are extremely old. So, for now, I'm not focused on getting a man. I've gone this far without one (that is both good and bad, mostly bad), so I will forge ahead, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Mood: Ready to Work
Listening: "St. Thomas" by Sonny Rollins
Random Quote: "Alonely Negro is mean spirited, sardonic, and ... eats babies
My Response: Maybe the first two, but that last one is sketchy. I like kids, but not that much ...

My Personal Mission Statement

I wrote my personal mission statement, and am putting it here for safe keeping.

• I will take charge of my own life and personal development, by taking the time to understand and learn about myself and my place within my family, friends, community and world.
  
• I control the source of my identity, and live based on the moral and spiritual center of my own determination that develops and shapes my view of the world. I will refrain from being judgmental of the values and opinions of others, and confidently adhere to my own.
  
• I value my health. I will exercise, seek proper nutrition, and maintain my physical, social and mental health through my daily activities. I hold a healthy image of my personality, my body, and my attractiveness. I will also improve upon all three and connect with others that also value and shine in these areas.
  
• I put my education, career and intellectual development as the most important goal and aspect of my life. I will be a devoted student, writer, thinker, researcher, designer, artist, and scholar that is always thinking in new and different ways to ask better questions, create better solutions and bridge connections between disparate issues.
  
• I will be committed and interested in my family, through keeping in contact, promoting their positive and healthy well-being, and provide them with the love, respect and support that they give to me.
  
• I place emphasis on interpersonal relationships and skills. I will value my friendships, and give my friends love, respect and support, and nurture my social networks (school, work, community, gay, religious)
  
• I maintain a sense of civic duty through service, and take responsibility to be involved in my community.
  
• I practice a system of positive productivity, where I am able to accomplish my daily tasks and goals, maintain commitments to myself and others, and seek out environments that enhance my sense of purpose and general well-being.
  
• I live for my goals. I set high aspirations for myself, and seek out situations, people, and experiences that match and heighten my own ambition.
  
• I will maintain a daily record, with overviews every week, month, season and year, as a way of keeping a close and thoughtful introspection on my life.
  
• I will see myself as an interesting and valuable individual that is complex, varied, but still empathetic to others. I will continue to make efforts to connect with people and foster strong friendships and social networks
• I do not shy away from hard work, but at the same time understand how to work efficiently. I accept new challenges from people and situations, and gain a greater understanding from each outcome for the future.
• I remain grateful for everything I have received and anticipate the good things that will come in the future. I understand and deserve the fortunate position I find myself.
  
• I retain the qualities of a precocious college student. I remain curious, ask questions, keep an open mind, and always continue to learn.
  
• I will laugh, seek out enjoyment, and share good feelings with others everyday.
  
• I will simplify my life and make efforts to keep track of the daily requirements and maintenance of my responsibilities.
  
• I will forgive myself and others for negative experiences of the past, but I won't forget them. I will learn and understand my own past emotional pain, and use those memories to propel and not hinder my personal development
  
• I will love myself, my family, partner, friends, community, culture, nation, and life