I'm in a relationship with somebody. A sweet guy that I'm going to call here DREX. DREX and I met at a random event on campus, and I have to admit, he is younger. MUCH younger. DREX is a freshman at a nearby school. He goes to the fratboy and house parties, he does hookah bars with friends, he's still learning about college and what he wants to do with his life. We kind of fell into this "thing" together, but I don't know where it's going or what it's expected. Problem number 1: Little Communication. DREX and I have a lot of sex. A LOT. It's mostly a sexual relationship, and this is strange but I'm ok with that right now (Yes, I know). I'm so busy with school and getting my career networking jumping off and based on past experience, or lack thereof, that my expectations of finding anybody nice were gone. I didn't expect to meet anybody really. I like him. And he likes me. He's not crazy, has a good head on his shoulders (engineering major and in ROTC) and he actually enjoys spending time with me.
The issue I'm grappling from yesterday is how to reconcile being a good guy. I have been messing up with school, there is something in me that seems to want me to fail. It's scary and depressing but I have yet to get the mind over matter to deal with it. I will spend hours listening to music to escape the sinking feeling that comes when I think about it, just to numb myself. I love this field, I had dreamed and prayed to get into a great graduate program. By the grace of God and good luck I did. But now, I'm continually shirking off work, fading into the background in class discussion, and find myself running away so that I do not have to deal with my own small failures. I have let in the same demons and negativity hinder my progress like they did at Morehouse. How did I come to such a pass? Oh, the warning signs were there. Shirk a project here, avoid a reading there, eventually it builds into an inertia of being unproductive, then panicking at the 11th hour to finish. How do I get out of this mess? Renew.
DREX is awesome, and I wish we had met in another time in my life. I don't think I'm ready or able to give enough of myself and be the guy he deserves. I haven't cheated, but I'm not all the way there with him. It's painful for me to think about it, but damn I'm not a "good person" right now. Blog, I have done some awful things in the past, things that tested my own sense of morality. I have these goals of being one of the "good ones," The ones that have a nice personality, confident and sexy without being arrogant, not over their heads in drama, with a strong core of friends and either in a stable relationship or happy and single. I think that these are attainable, but I have to build the willpower to do so. Mind over matter.
I don't know what to tell DREX, but I at least want to communicate with him about what our status is and what we expect from each other. Do I feel a passion for DREX? no. But at this point, I'm afraid that I am so numb to the world and to myself, that I can't feel a passion for anything or anyone. In the past, I have felt strongly for people, but that seems to always coincide with somebody that DIDN'T want me. Here I have somebody that calls me "baby" and I'm ready to do a Kanye shrug. Something is seriously wrong with that.
I'm going to be blogging more, because I need a greater level of self-assessment to stay on track and help me break against the dark, empty places in myself. I can't keep doing the same BS thinking that things will change. I have to change. I have to renew.