La Dolce Vita

SIXTYNINE came back, horny as ever. Since he is finally 21, we decided to head out to some clubs for the local nightlife. At first he had wanted to go to Blake's, so he could dance to disco and house and party with white folks. But we both didn't really care, and eventually just settled on the club promoted by Atlanta's most popular (I guess?) black gay promoter. I have driven past this place numerous times, and it appeared usually packed, line out the door, but today, it was a breeze. I've only been to a few clubs in my life, but I'm always surprised at the difference between 18+ and 21+ clubs, like those three years make a hell of a difference. Compared to some others that I have been to, *cough* TRAXX *cough*, this one was more laid back, dudes were all nice looking, great music, and all around great atmosphere. SIXTYNINE immediately became the target for all of the tall guys in the room. So he had a good time.

All of my party and social experiences in the past have been I went to the party with some friends, talked to them for a minute, then they go off and I become a wallflower. I can't tell you how many awkward walks past dance floors and refreshments I have had in the past, but it's been a lot. I would find somewhere to be posted, get a drink, and that is that. No talking to others, no dancing, a bit of drinking – nothing but strained waiting until the other people I came with were ready to leave. I don't know if I just don't have quite a developed enough personality or what, but that has been every party experience lol. With this in mind, I didn't expect a lot to happen for me at the club. And it didn't lol. I guess I expected some dude to just spot me out of the crowd, whisper something perfect in my ear, and everything else would fall into place. Yeah right. I saw plenty of men that I was attracted to. And I did nothing. I got drunk off of a blue motherfucker, and a margarita. The bartender politely smiled and called me sweetie as he took my LAST 8 DOLLARS lol. I stumble through the club after, probably not looking very attractive or even approachable lol. And that was it.

I admit I was more than a little jealous that SIXTYNINE got more attention than me. But, then again, I wasn't surprised. My apprehension toward these types of events stems from one dull experience after another since I was 13. This is an area that I want to focus on, meeting people at events. Not just in the club atmosphere, but whether it be a cute guy at the bookstore or at an event on campus. Damn, I wish I had a little of that natural charisma that some people do. But you know what? If I want to change it, to become someone else, then I have to work on it. I don't want to radically change who I am, I just want to learn and polish up those parts of myself that I have been neglecting. My level of confidence and social skills are two of them.

Mood: Ok, just HOT

Listening: watching True Blood rerun

Random Quote:

Response:

You Never Know What’s Coming …

It all came rushing down in my head today, and I just feel mean. I feel this sluggish enmity toward everybody and everything. All the things that I don't understand, the people I don't comprehend, the places where I allow myself to fall down, low down. I get so easily consumed by fear. I have a long list of things and people and places that I carry fear, anger, and even hatred for. These negative feelings all just fester within me, and I suffer because of them. I suffer when I expect too much from others, and the worse of myself. I continually see everyone and everything as an ongoing threat to my existence, all of whom I almost naturally have learned to evade or fight at all cost. And what does it take to climb out of these feelings? It takes things like patience, confidence, trust, and love. I believe that I am capable of these things, but I would have to believe that I am capable of change.

I got a call late at night from my mom. She abruptly asked me to delete her facebook account. I was a little angry that she felt it necessary to call me at 2 am about this, but I obliged. After I logged onto her account, I looked at her messages, and found three messages. In these three messages, a woman confessed herself to my mom. She explained her lengthy affair with my father. He had given her an allowance of $300 a week, taken her to the same restaurants he had taken my mother and me. At family parties and gatherings with his friends, she was his companion, he even bought this woman a room down the hall from the room my parents shared when they went away for their anniversary. He told her things about my mother, details about her illness, how she is severely disabled, and how she is blind in one eye and can't even drive at night. The woman wrote that she had "found God" and was fed up with how she felt my father was treating my mother. She thought that everything he had said were lies, and felt it necessary to tell my mom about what was going on.

I have often felt that my mom was cheated out of a lot in her life. To me, she is an incredible person, because she has endured a great deal of pain and sadness, and she still lives on. Since before I was born, she has had a disease called ankylosing spondilitis. The disease slowly fusing the bones of the spine, and causes painful inflammation in the eye and joints throughout the body. I'm really not supposed to be here, as in my mom was probably too sick to carry a child, and had a narrow window to have one. But I am, and so is she. Most of my childhood, she was bedridden, and countless surgeries and the creation of new medicines have given her increased mobility, but she still has limited vision and trouble moving. Taken all of this into account, my father and she do not have even the normal sex life of a middle aged couple. I know now that she was smart enough to know that my father probably had women in his life other than her to fulfill these needs. In fact, she probably preferred he do so. People in my father's family often said that she, in her illness, held him back, but she did a lot for him. She worked in his first office, and has been a constant source of strength, practically, and support. In fact, for all the work that he does, I daresay in her own way, she has done just as much, if not more.

I can't say that I was surprised to hear about my dad's infidelity. I had suspected it as well. But I was just disappointed to see that he was so careless about it. My mother is very proud person, perhaps too much at times. So instead of any defect in my dad, what she felt the most was embarrassment. My dad had paraded this woman around family and friends, people that my mom converse with everyday. She was especially hurt to know that he brought this woman to the same hotel in which they stayed on their anniversary. I honestly don't know what to make of all of this. I know she feels embarrassed, and he feels ashamed. My dad has a lot of issues that he needs to work out for himself. All the men in the family have a history of having women on the side, and they have able-bodied wives. He has issues with drinking, and also seems to be very alone. In fact, he might be the loneliest person I know. I wish I had a closer relationship with him. I wish that my mom wasn't so proud in that we could have a closer relationship. I know that they are adults, I can't carry their burdens. They are the parent and I am the child. But sense I am an only child, sometimes, I feel so connected to their fate and their happiness. Idk …

There have been other things affect where I am at this point, but now I see that childhood is done. 21 years old. Young, yes, but not a kid. No more time for living in my world of dreams, where somebody to blame is always there, the man I love will just arise from thin air, and I can put off with dealing with my problems for the future. I have a lot to work on, and I don't know how all of it will play out. But I know that I have to get started, that I can't give up on me.

 

Mood: Reflective

Listening: Watching Benjamin Button

Random Quote: "You will have fun when you learn to stop expecting things from people," JG

Response: Oh, thanks.

I Cannot Tell A Lie From The Truth

MONEY&SEX and I have been hanging out the past week, movies and lunches and whatnot. No, we aren't dating or anything (according to him, he is seeing some ex-football player turned GA patrolman or whatever) but he likes to get out and do stuff, and he has a car so I don't have to drive all the time lol. We went to see Orphan and The Hangover this weekend, we also ate at Chinese Buddha, well I think that's the name, and also at the Flying Biscuit. I have gotten a crash course into the life of MONEY&SEX , his east coast upbringing, law school aspirations, and more poignantly, his VAST experience in casual sex encounters via the internet. He has deemed himself some kind of sexual guru, and regularly tells me (whether I ask for it or not) about who I should be doing, and wants to know every painstaking detail of my encounters. I was hesitant to trust MONEY&SEX because I have conflicted feelings toward him. I regret having done anything with him in the past, and he was a player in all the drama of last semester. But something about him, the self-serving way he refers to himself, his CONSTANTLY referring to me as short or little - those are just some of the many things he does that put me off. I know I have a long way to go in tolerating other people, but he really tests me.
I hooked up randomly with somebody at an "independent living facility" on the Southside. No, I wasn't with some 70 year old man looking to get his rocks off, but the 23 year old that works the front desk after hours. He was cute, he had braces, and had this adorable accent. I admit that living in Atlanta has made those accents grow on me. Anyway, so we met up at the front desk, he buzzes me in and we then proceed to one of the empty rooms. The room was cold, and set up like a hotel suite, it was nice. I laid on the bed, and he then goes to the bathroom and, well, prepared I assume. So he then gets naked, but I'm not paying attention to his body, which was GOOD, but his right hand. I see a plain gold ring on his finger. Oh. My. God. Seriously? It was good though. He gave me head, which was a first for me, and he did a great job as well lol. I tried bottoming again, but the same problem, pain, like almost immediately once he got close to penetration. He said "You act like you know what your doing down there" when I gave him head. So thanks, mr. nightwatchman

This morning I texted MONEY&SEX and asked if wanted to play tennis later. He said sure, then after he grilled me about my night at the "home." I hate talking about these things with people, and I gave as little detail as possible. Then, he tells me that he went on a date with my first, BIGGIERICH, to some theater in Henry County, and that BIGGIERICH ate him out in the theater, and that he's a bottom, and that he has a master's in the same field I am interested in. A lot of random details that I re BOLD FACE LIE. I immediately called BIGGIERICH, and he easily debunked MONEY&SEX's lie. I mean, did he not think it would be easy for me to find out the truth? Two possibilities: MONEY&SEX is either the worst liar known to man, or he wanted me to know he was lying and this is part of some subversive mind game. I don't have time for this. I can't barely keep the truth straight to myself, and now the people around me are spreading BS?

I wish my other peoples were here!!!


Mood: exhausted from HEAT
Listening: Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds
Random Quote: "He a lie" - BIGGIERICH
My Response: TRUE

Close Encounters of an Intimate Kind

I'm sitting here, watching Tiny and Toya, and I'm thinking: if these women can really get it together, why can't I (LOL)? I flew back into Atlanta from DC confused and exhausted. I was confused because I am entering my SENIOR year of college. I have to decide, and fairly quickly decide where I am going to end up next year. I have no idea even on what city I want to live in, what career I really want to see myself in, who I want to be in the next 5, 10 + years. It's scary. Since I there is no blueprint, no one steady or right path to take, but I don't want to take one that leads toward disappointment or regret. That much, I do know.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have had opportunities to "hook up" with men in Atlanta. It's funny to think about how just 4 months ago, I turned my nose up at people that did the online sex thing, and here I am wading waist deep in the waters of BGClive and adam4adam. Is it right? I don't know. I have been with a thug, an intellectual, a mechanic, a teacher, and CDC number cruncher. These are all artificial, arbitrary labels, and none of them are all-encompassing. I met these guys for at the most 4 hours, and we didn't exactly have soul-searching discussions. I know that for me, sex is good. No, sex is great lol. Contact with a man, being touched and felt and kissed and more is an amazing experience, each time feels different, and surprises you. I also need intimate contact. I need you to look into my eyes, and kiss me passionately and feel down my back and across all of my limbs and protruding parts. I need you to take an active role with me, please don't sit back and lay there, and expect me to kiss and suck and ride while you barely do anything. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! I shouldn't have to tell you to do that!

I didn't have the opportunity to top, but I have bottomed (safely of course), and each time it was a painful experience, like really painful. The tops were rough, really rough. It's a trip to go to the bathroom half an hour after having anal sex and seeing BLOOD. That was scary, really scary. I don't know if I can only do it with someone that I really trust, or if I need to learn some special pelvic exercises or what. I kind of assumed that since I am short, it's expected that I'm supposed to bottom, and I assumed it was supposed to feel good, but, in the times I have done it, it has not. This is a superficial concern, but in the future I will be more aggressive in stating what I want and try to relax more. I don't think I will be patrolling these sites anymore. I'm the type of person that has an addictive person, and I could easily see myself setting these casual encounters on a near daily basis. That would be a pitiful state of being, and an unproductive (not to mention unsafe) means of personal development.

 

When I ask others about my concerns toward sex, I get the typical answers. MONEY&SEX says you just lay on your stomach and it doesn't hurt at all. All I can do there is roll my eyes, I'm not going there with him. I hate talking to him or SIXTYNINE about these types of things, because they always come off so smug and stuff. I get very sensitive whenever it comes to these issues about sex and relationships. The people I know always have the right answer, like I should do this or that, and if I don't I'm strange. MONEY&SEX told me that the fact that I have had such few partners is strange and I am at a detriment because I don't have more sex. The man that friends people on facebook just to see if they are potential hookups. Let me live the way I see fit.

I'm starting to come to a better definition on how I see sex and relationships through these causal encounters. More than ever, I see that I need to RELAX, be willing to open my mouth and talk to people, and stop expecting and comparing. Nobody is worried about me other than me. I can be envious of people all day, I can hope that every man I see will be some prince charming, but that doesn't do anything but set me up to be disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointment, awkward moments, all of the emotions that I subject myself to out of my own insecurities with myself in interacting with others.