Thinking Back

I took a much needed (at least in my mind J ) personal day today. The past week has been meetings, events, studying, exercising, moving stuff, and a lot of wasting time too, but mostly working. I went to the SafeSpace meeting a few days ago. This campus group that is supposed to be the speaking voice for all SGL students. Going to this meeting and seeing the energy and confidence of the new crop of gays at the school made me reflect on my experience here. The first time I had attended a SafeSpace meeting was way back in sophomore year. It was a lively meeting and the topic was basically "where do we go from here," and discuss what should students and Morehouse affirming alumni be doing to promote gay issues. At that point in my life, I was so scared of being found out or discovered that I said nothing doing the whole meeting. Even going to Morehouse, if you choose to shield yourself and hide away, you can easily coast through the school not knowing anyone. I did that. I have spent the better part of four years here thinking that I was different and therefore better than major of the people here. I thought that since I was shy and less able to converse with others and put on airs, that I was preserving some uniqueness within myself that elevated me above those around me. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of when you close off the rest of the world. Now I know how foolish I was and how much I allowed myself to miss out on as a part of the black college experience. True, I may not have wanted to come here in the first place, but I certain could have made it a more personal and fulfilling experience.

The topic of the meeting was the overstated conflict of homophobia and the church. Ok, even somebody as uninvolved as me is tired of hearing about this one. I mean, really guys? But it was fun to go to the meeting and see some new groups of students. Somebody said in the meeting that each new freshman class of gays are more out and comfortable and flamboyant than the last. I don't know if I necessarily agree with that idea, but it is true that the class of 2013 (omg, that sounds so far away when it isn't …) is a lot more open and active than the ones that I have known. SafeSpace seems to have come back with the bang, and surprisingly has a lot of straight members now, at least in the facebook group. I am excited to get to know more people in the group, and to have an organization like this.

A long time I felt like I was the man on the moon at Morehouse. I wanted to believe that I was somehow fundamentally different from everything that goes into the "Morehouse mystique." But, I am part of that. I am an individual, opinionated, difficult, and complex, but that doesn't make me any better or worse than anybody else at school. I have to let go of the fear of people seeing me as who I am, and hearing what I have to say. I have to be open enough to hear and see others as well, beyond face value.

Mood: Good

Listening: "Already Home," Jay-Z feat. Kid Cudi, "The Glow of Love" by Change feat. Luther Vandross

Random Quote: "No no, they already don't like you, the question is, what are you going to do about it?"

Response: Keep living, breathing, changing and growing.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So the rains have started, stopped and restarted again in Atlanta, and most of this weekend saw those perfect, beautiful clear blue skies that beg for picnics and days at the park. Fall is here. Those cool breezes will turn stronger and colder, and the temperatures will steadily drop. I didn't do a lot this weekend, but I did reflect a lot on my life, I consulted my advisors, and I am learning to better evaluate where I am and what progress I have made. The vast majority of my posts on this blog, I attempted to analyze my perceived idiosyncrasies with a fine-toothed comb, and done nothing with the information. I seem to just spit out my feelings of inferiority, negativity, depression, anxiety – basically every dark part of myself. I have made the complaints, send them out to the world, but the complaints are with me. I have to get up, and do something about it. I have allowed myself to feel comfort in my shortcomings, wallow in them, and live day to day like a hollow shell waiting to be cracked at the first instance.

I have spent an undue amount of time obsessing over things and people that do not care or affect me in anyway. In the second grade, my teacher made us write in this reflections book, and I have kept it to this day. As a little kid, I wrote then that one on my problems was "breaking my shell and reaching out to other people." I guess that phrase, the more things change, the more they stay the same, is true. I have heard it from too many other people, bloggers included. DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. No matter how much I opine about being somebody else, I can't. I can only be me, and I always have to live with me. That's not such a bad thing. There are some parts of myself that I love, and I'm learning to love every part, and discovering the parts I didn't even know were there.

Mood: Calm

Listening: "Job Hunting" by Mama's Mustache

Random Quote: "Money doesn't matter to me. Nor does skin color, or what continent she was last on. It just so happens that some of the girls who are cultured/beautiful enough to chill with me are like that." – J.C.

Response: It's too big, it's too wide ... ya'll know the rest