I have been fighting a battle. I have been armed and on the move, with stealth strategy, the most advanced weapons, and plenty of infantry. My enemy seems to be in retreat, but his weakness only makes me press harder. The enemy is me. I don’t know how I got here, but I have morphed into this emotionless being. Someone that doesn’t respond to or acknowledge anything or anyone. I can’t even muster up the initiative to walk down the hill from the dorm, in the fear that people are judging me. That fear, that paralyzing sense of rejection and hurt. I hide from everyone and push them any because of it. In reality, nobody has ever been close enough to me to actually reject me. It’s a crisis period now, because I am a junior in college. I can count on my HAND the number of people here that I might talk to when I get older. This is my challenge. To see myself as valuable. To see others as valuable. To engage with others confidently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want my clothes to fit me and perfectly accentuate my own personality and style. I want to have strong and lasting friendships. I want to be perceived as fun, accessible and worthy. I want to be a greater catchingupat20.
I went to the California Club meeting after classes today, and it was weird to be with those people again. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of animosity toward black people from my home state and especially my home city. Since I am “new” to the club, I had to stand up and introduce myself. Ok, now I thought I was improving here. I mean, I thought that I had learned how to confidently interact with my peers. But, I was wrong. The worst part is when I said my high school, I said “Brentwood School.” Apparently saying school was just too damn affected and ‘proper,’ because the perennially cool DJ/hipster asshole Kevin ‘Era’ Cox thought it was funny. Granted, I don’t truthfully know why he laughed, but damn, why does somebody always have to get a laugh at my expense. What is the deal with that? The meeting was alright, I mean, I met one person, but it was nothing big. This girl Brittany that goes to Chapman in Orange County. Another girl from home I know was there, as well as the Senator twins.
Renita had come to my meeting at the Leadership building today, and of course she blew them away. She is hands down one of the most intelligent people that I have ever seen. She can go anywhere and talk about anything with such an ease and confidence. She also knows how to work people, and work around them to get her point across. I’m proud to be related to her, but at the same time, I see the more tragic parts of her life. She didn’t get to finish college, has worked at a demanding and thankless job for years, and carried the burden of caring for her aging parents. She is a selfless person, and I admire that about her. But it makes me sad to know that she is not being utilized as the amazing resource of knowledge and positive energy that she is. Maybe that is something I can learn from her as well. I wish I had a bit of the charisma that she has effortlessly.
I feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault that people don’t respond to me. It’s my fault that I have never been a relationship. It’s my fault that I can never truly get close to people. It’s my fault that I feel like an alien to my campus. Ok, so my taking responsibility for that since I am grown man (as my mom so unkindly reminded me on the phone). So what do I do? Where do I start. My style, my confidence level, my organization and time management, my familial relationships, my friendships, my physcial health. It’s daunting to think of it all, and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I think it’s about changing how I think and feel about myself. Ok, that is difficult, and I haven’t given it enough of a try. But perhaps now I will.
Mood: Unsettled
Listening: Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie
Random Quote: catchingupat20, you tried to hide, but you have to do it too.
My Response: I hate intros ...
