Friday, March 20, 2009


So, now I am 21 years old. I have been out for a year. I have never felt more lost or confused about the future because I don't know what I want. I can't tell what I want for myself, from my career, from my friends, from a potential partner. At this point I know that I have to engage myself in my studies, just dive in and not think about it. But at the same time, I have physical needs to be met, and I have emotional needs to be met, the latter of which surprised me. Often I feel like I couldn't fall in love or have affection for someone. But I WANT to. I want to feel something for somebody and have that feeling be reciprocated. There are so many things whirling around right now, and I have no anchor point. I don't have a person that I can wholly trust right now, that seems to generally care about my well-being. That is scary. Perhaps, this is the time for me to strengthen myself as an individual, but all I want to do is crawl under a rock and sleep the confusion away.

My mind is all over the place, because I really can't seem to get a focus point. I am tired of constantly listening to the problems of my 'friends,' yet people have but a second to listen to mine. And the people that do listen only do so because they have a sexual attraction to me (that ain't many, trust me). I need to vent because I am scared of what's happening. I get this twitch in my eye, whenever I seem to have totally lost any sense of balance and get too stressed or angry, and it's been in full force for the past week. I want to change, to be a different person, a better one, a happier one, a social one. I want to know what to say and when to say it. To be able to talk and strike up conversation and even interest and connection with the guys that I am attracted to, but it never seems to happen. Even as I type this I can hear the silly and contented humor between friends outside. I have to be brave, for lack of a better word. I have to own up, realize my own capabilities, emphasis my strengths and build on my weaknesses. I have to be the one that I am waiting for. I have to be my own prince first, before I can find him anywhere else.


Mood: Discontent

Listening: "When I am Through With You" by the VLA

Random Quote: none

Response: Where am I?

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