Monday, February 23, 2009

The Breaking Point

I read most of my January posts, and saw that month as a very hard time for me. I came home from LA with this feeling of discouragement and I did not come into the semester rearing to go. In fact, I think I sabotaged a lot of the progress that I should have made. I was inspired about the election of the new President, but more often than not, I got in the way of my own inspiration and energy. I think the hardest thing for me to do was to face the fact that I have to take responsibility for most of the things that I do. I also have to realize that there are only so many hours in the day. I have to learn to manage my time as best as I can. I have a strange combination of self-importance, negativity, and sardonicism. I have had a relatively uneventful life, and nothing in memory can see what triggers my strong feelings of scorn and distrust. I have some work to do. I have to work on being a more open and inviting person, and I have to be open to sharing myself with others. I have to start managing my time as best as I can, and thinking about myself and others in new and different ways. This is hard.

It's hard to think about all of this and then try and manage the hundreds of different tasks I have given myself. I am overdue on my assignments. I waste time egregiously. It's 1 am, and I feel like it was 2pm just a few minutes ago. Where did all of that time go? What the heck was I doing? I hate feeling like I have a mountain of tasks over my head, and no time to start then or give them all the attention that they deserve. I hate having to half-do everything, but that's what happens. I know that I need to start scheduling things better, and focusing on DOING the work, but I never seem to be able to get started. I just wish things were working in my favor. More often than not, it seems like they aren't.

So, I have a new boy in my life, CHIPMUNK, for his cute, but goofy smile. I met CHIPMUNK last year and I hadn't really kept in contact with him. But after yet another romp through honesty box, I met up with him again, and I guess he seems interested in me. He is from Norfolk, va, and has had issues with family growing up. He has many of the confidence issues I have, in fact, I think I see a lot of myself in him (and that scares me more than attracts me). I know that he likes me, but I don't know if the feeling is reciprocated by me. He is nice, but something about him just doesn't click with me. He is very goofy, and has bad breath, and is slow. I mean slow as in not the most perceptive person. He is the first person that has some kind of interest in me, and perhaps I need to explore something with him. I don't want to do it just because though. I was in his room Friday night, and I boldly initiated some action, but we were quickly thwarted when his roommate came in. It was really weird to have somebody feeling on my arm and then him pulling me down to the bed. REALLY WEIRD. I didn't know what to do, and it seemed so awkward. Were it on tape, it would probably be the worst softcore porn you have ever seen. I was halfway relieved when his roommate came in, because it made the situation less strange and I was spared for the moment. I will eventually call him again, and try something. I need something, anything at this point. I just wish he was a little more aggressive, but damn it. That's just more excuses … We'll see what happens.

Mood: I'm le tired
Listening: "Nite and Day" by Al B. Sure

Random Quote: "I just need dick. My twat is wide open." - OLDGIRL
My Response: What. The. Fuck. !?

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are doing okay. I will no longer be blogging as no one cares and frankly it's done nothing to solve my many issues. I wish you the best.