Renew

I'm in a relationship with somebody. A sweet guy that I'm going to call here DREX. DREX and I met at a random event on campus, and I have to admit, he is younger. MUCH younger. DREX is a freshman at a nearby school. He goes to the fratboy and house parties, he does hookah bars with friends, he's still learning about college and what he wants to do with his life. We kind of fell into this "thing" together, but I don't know where it's going or what it's expected. Problem number 1: Little Communication. DREX and I have a lot of sex. A LOT. It's mostly a sexual relationship, and this is strange but I'm ok with that right now (Yes, I know). I'm so busy with school and getting my career networking jumping off and based on past experience, or lack thereof, that my expectations of finding anybody nice were gone. I didn't expect to meet anybody really. I like him. And he likes me. He's not crazy, has a good head on his shoulders (engineering major and in ROTC) and he actually enjoys spending time with me.

The issue I'm grappling from yesterday is how to reconcile being a good guy. I have been messing up with school, there is something in me that seems to want me to fail. It's scary and depressing but I have yet to get the mind over matter to deal with it. I will spend hours listening to music to escape the sinking feeling that comes when I think about it, just to numb myself. I love this field, I had dreamed and prayed to get into a great graduate program. By the grace of God and good luck I did. But now, I'm continually shirking off work, fading into the background in class discussion, and find myself running away so that I do not have to deal with my own small failures. I have let in the same demons and negativity hinder my progress like they did at Morehouse. How did I come to such a pass? Oh, the warning signs were there. Shirk a project here, avoid a reading there, eventually it builds into an inertia of being unproductive, then panicking at the 11^th hour to finish. How do I get out of this mess? Renew.

DREX is awesome, and I wish we had met in another time in my life. I don't think I'm ready or able to give enough of myself and be the guy he deserves. I haven't cheated, but I'm not all the way there with him. It's painful for me to think about it, but damn I'm not a "good person" right now. Blog, I have done some awful things in the past, things that tested my own sense of morality. I have these goals of being one of the "good ones," The ones that have a nice personality, confident and sexy without being arrogant, not over their heads in drama, with a strong core of friends and either in a stable relationship or happy and single. I think that these are attainable, but I have to build the willpower to do so. Mind over matter.

I don't know what to tell DREX, but I at least want to communicate with him about what our status is and what we expect from each other. Do I feel a passion for DREX? no. But at this point, I'm afraid that I am so numb to the world and to myself, that I can't feel a passion for anything or anyone. In the past, I have felt strongly for people, but that seems to always coincide with somebody that DIDN'T want me. Here I have somebody that calls me "baby" and I'm ready to do a Kanye shrug. Something is seriously wrong with that.

I'm going to be blogging more, because I need a greater level of self-assessment to stay on track and help me break against the dark, empty places in myself. I can't keep doing the same BS thinking that things will change. I have to change. I have to renew.

 

My Drama-Filled Thanksgiving

Hi blog. I know it's been a while. I haven't done much self-reflecting lately, but recent events require it.

I left Philly to spend Thanksgiving with my mentor, JG. He lives near Lincoln Park in DC. I was excited to get out of Philadelphia for a while to experience my favorite city. I had worked in DC in the summer of 2009 and fell in love with the city – the neighborhoods, the architecture, the professional culture, and the monuments – bliss lol. Once I arrived, JG abruptly informed me that his "husband" would be joining us. Husband? Wait? HOLD UP? JG and I haven't been as close as we were in the past, so I had no idea about this "husband".

I rode the Mega Bus down to DC Tuesday night. JG picked me up, and we headed out to pick up his "husband" Kenny. Now JG is educated, Ivy League and HBCU graduate. He has worked in government for the past 8 years, and now makes a handsome salary working as a point person on important national level projects. Career wise he has done very well for himself. Now Kenny … JG met Kenny in Atlanta in 2008, they had had some hard times then, and I assumed that JG had let him go. I was shocked to find out that not only had JG continued to date Kenny, but Kenny also moved up to DC. They weren't living together, yet they had built a relationship together. Kenny is from Florida, and works at Best Buy (no shade against people that those words describe, that is literally EVERYTHING I know about Kenny). My first impression of him was that he had been through something. You know when you meet some people and they just appear shell-shocked? Well Kenny appeared far gone. Frankly, I was surprised and disappointed that JG was dating HIM. In a later discussion, he told me "back2life, I'm tired. I have spent my adult life working HARD to get to where I am. And nobody ever notices. I want somebody for myself." Well, who am I to judge?

So Wednesday went well, JG started cooking for tomorrow's dinner that night. Thanksgiving morning, apparently they had had an argument, and I could sense a lot of tension between JG and Kenny. JG had texted me to talk to Kenny, who then proceeded to try and leave. I talked to Kenny, not to reason with him, but just small talk to ease the tension, and it did. They finished the rest of the cooking for the day, and we ate with a pretty good vibe between all. After we were all sufficiently full, JG, still somewhat mad at Kenny, was going to drop him off at home, and come back. When he returned, he had this look of despair and trouble in his face.

Kenny and JG got into altercation in the car, with Kenny attempting to open the passenger door and go out into traffic. James wanted Kenny to get out, but not like that. He managed to keep him in the car until he rode up to his house. They continued to argue and Kenny then put his finger in JG's face and said he wasn't leaving the car. JG then opens the passenger door and grabs Kenny by the throat demanding that he leave the car, and Kenny obliged him. I heard this story through tears as JG struggled to tell me how their relationship had been his emotional hell over the past two years. For him, Kenny continually complained of his miserable new DC life and seemed unable to find any direction or "fresh start" here. JG was tired. He had yet to break into the socially stratified DC scene, particularly for black gay men. His loneliness and sense of low self-worth compelled him (in his words) to tolerate Kenny, neglecting work and other personal goals to attempt to attend to his needs. He didn't tell me the full story, but I understood that my initial misgivings about Kenny were not unfounded.

Later that night, I was downstairs at JG's house watching "The Beyonce Experience," and there was a ring at the door, then loud knocks. Kenny, in a rage, angrily demanded that JG "bring his faggot ass outside. Be a man ..." and loads more I dare not repeat. JG is on the phone talking to … somebody and I am now started to get scared. Then Kenny runs to the side of the house and is banging on the kitchen window. At this point, I'm freaked out, I put my shoes on, grab my coat. I'm texting SIXTYNINE at this time, and he's like "Get out of there," which I do consider, but I did not want to leave JG in such a pass (although, I admittedly would not be much help from a fighting stand point) Then Kenny strangely walks off down the street. At this point, I'm confused, nervous, and I agree with JG that he should call the police. Strangely enough, Kenny returns and starts banging on the door again, and the cops arrive in time to ward him off. The officer takes JG's information, and she gives him a big hug and says "you are worth more than this."

To keep it short: JG made a BAD choice. I understand that he has worked hard in his career to get to this point, but he finds himself lacking in the social life department (as I often find myself). Kenny, although unmatched to JG in aspiration and background, helped JG fulfill a void in his life – a boo. So many gay men are in search of the elusive boo. We want him to be the internet ideal, you know, like those likely straight models whose pictures we all swoon over online or those boys when know from work, school or just around that seem to have it all. Although JG is older than me, I don't think he has left this ideal behind yet. And I think he fell so far from what he wanted and deserved that he settled for someone that, education and background aside, was a socially and mentally deficient person. Kenny knew that JG was his superior in more ways than one, and JG did too. How you can date somebody for a year and not trust to bring them in your own house is beyond me, but JG DID.

I haven't fully analyzed what happened here, but I do know that JG provides a good example for me on what not to do. JG is an awesome guy in my opinion, and it was painful for me to see him go through this traumatic situation and break down and cry before the police and myself. I hope it doesn't come to that for me. I aspire to have fulfilling, honest relationships with people that are mentally stable and trustworthy. I just have yet to find many examples of well-adjusted older gay men … particularly BLACK gay men.