Waiting while my World Changes

I spent the weekend in Philadelphia. Penn had a grad school preview thing, so I went up to see their program. In terms of design and appeal, I really like Philadelphia. It's bigger, older and dirtier than Atlanta, but that's why I like it lol. could take the train from the airport, and walk a few short blocks to my friend's apartment. This is my friend BLACKFRAT, or I'll just call him JH to keep things simple. JH went to Wharton, so he has a bit of an inflated ego through that fact, and always finds subtle opportunities to put down Morehouse for whatever reason. But we have been friends since we were 11, and he was more than happy to help me out while he was here. Since it was Homecoming, he was mostly out getting drunk with friends and having a good time, meanwhile I was trying to catch up on work.

This semester has kind of hit me like a bullet train. It's my second to last at Morehouse. I'm taking the GRE next week. I'm applying to graduate schools. Everything is coming together right now, perhaps not in the ways that I would like, but they are. I don't know where this year went lol. I remember I was in the the 3^rd grade when I learned that 2006 and 2010, high school and college graduation if I stayed on schedule. They seemed so far away then, but they are here. To be honest, I hadn't given life much thought past high school LOL. And now, I will be venturing into real adulthood, having a real job and a place of my own one day. It's exciting to think about, but again, I don't know what to expect. Like there are many thigns I have to work out, and in my mind there are so many scenarios for how things will turn out for me. One of my goals is to do better than my parents. It's nothing against them, but I want to have a more comfortable, and financial stable life than they did. I want to fall in love, like really, head over heels fall in love, and have somebody to build a family with. I already had in it my mind, three children, one would be adopted, and we would get a surrogate for the other two. Not sure how we would work that out, but I'm hopeful. Lol

The past two days, I have just been getting myself organized to stay on track. Apart from all the school stuff I have to deal with, I'm also building up the social tip. I went to the Drag Show that was at morehouse (haha, yeah right) Spelman last Friday, and that was a lot of fun. There were a lot of live performers doing slam poetry, and I was able to see a few people I know in the show do their thing. The theme was the infamous Morehouse 'Appropriate Attire Policy,' and the models when from gender appropriate attire to gender ambiguous to totally in drag. A lot of the live performers were lesbians, and you know, they know love better than most gay men and most straight people that I know. The models were fab of course. I knew after leaving the show that Morehouse and Spelman are changing. As I leave, it's great to see that more and more students are out and confident in who they are and willing to fight and speak against anybody that would threaten their wellbeing. I kinda wish I was a freshman or sophomore, with the new crop of people at school know, and with the hindsight knowledge I have. But things must change, and I have to leave, move on to the next phase of my life. I nervously look forward at what that might be.

Mood: A little overwhelmed

Listening: "Born to Run" by K-os

Random Quote: I don't think that how that works, but good for you!

Response: … I really don't need the smug sarcasm right now

How Come R Don’t Call Me

*This is going to be a long one*

So much has happened since I last wrote a blog post. I find myself a few steps closer to graduation and adult life. I find myself filling out applications for graduate school, and considering my options for jobs afterwards. My parents are planning to leave my childhood home in Los Angeles. My younger cousin, who I thought would never grow up, is going on her first college tour. I walk down Brown St., the main road cutting through campus, and I have to acknowledge that many of these faces are no longer familiar to me, and many don't recognize mine. There are so many changes going on, and I am trying to keep up.

Much of my entries in the past have focused on me discussing change. But damn, you know what, I have not moved an inch past that whining and complaining. Change is hard. Recognizing those exposed parts of yourself that are weak is the easy part, figuring out how to change them is the hard part. I had thought that I was exposing myself through this blog. Unraveling, layer by layer, the intense walls of isolation and negativity that I continue to wallow in, while time keeps moving. This is not where or who I wanted to be at 21. Yet, I have been making the choice to stay here. Everytime I feel jealous and compare myself to somebody else, every regret I feel for things in the past, every hour that I waste avoiding facing myself, every conservation that I allow my own voice to be crowded out by others, every negative feeling that I allow to take over my day – so many things that I grip tight and hold onto. This is what prevents my progress. It's me. I hate to say that, but I consistently have worked to compromise and diminish myself and my happiness.

So CHOCOLATEDROP or R and I felt apart before we were put together. One night at the club, while we both were drunk and wanted to forget the mess of the past, I kissed him. I can't recall all the events of what happened between us, because for one, it all happened in the course of a week. Perhaps my inexperience in terms of relationships made that week more intense and painstaking than it should have been, but it still really affected me. After the club, I called R and confessed to him that I had feelings for him. He in turn told me that he definitely "felt chemistry" between us and that we should take the time to get to know each other more. I told him that I wanted to "cuddle," J. I ventured up to his dorm and met him in his room. While I sit on the bed, I relax and ask him about his day. He talks quickly and nervously, until he decides to join me on the bed and starts rubbing cocoa butter on my arms. Mind you, I was NOT ashy, so this was his idea of foreplay. From there we start to make out, and then we simply laid there for a minute, and I looked into his eyes. For that brief, 30 minute period, we didn't have sex, but felt such a close and sweet intimacy with him that was gratifying and amazing.

The second time we got together, I actually spent the night. We again made out for a long period, but this time it was more intense. Before he had told me to kiss him gently, but today, I felt the passion and force from his lips, and it felt great. While we kissed and caressed each other naked (yes, I actually got the boy to take off his clothes, a feat in itself), he told me "I feel so safe when you hold me." I have had a few random sex encounters, where I did more than I did with R that night. There was no intimacy, there was no passion, no feeling. With those anonymous hookups, I was almost always left feeling dirty or restless. With R, I felt close to him, and it felt so good, like nothing I had ever experienced before. To have somebody look into your eyes and touch you and make you feel that way. It's something indescribable.

But as fast as the flame between us was sparked, it fizzled out just as fast. What began as a simple text conversation over the phone on my Halloween contest, became a contest to see who could hurt the other's feelings first. Since we had gotten together, it had been a week since I had spoken to him, and if I had, I had to contact him, and he had every excuse in the book. Once it got to Halloween, I was hurt and confused. I was ready to start having that time with him where we could go get something to eat together, or watch a movie, or just hang in the room and act goofy. I didn't even need sex at that point, I just wanted to be around him more. But he pulled away. He said that when we kissed in the club that night weeks earlier, he was drunk. I was "chasin'" him and that I was a bad kisser and gave me some fairly strong impressions that I was not good enough for him and that he was not interested.

I was hurt. Here I thought something was building up, only to be rebuffed. Not only that, but what he said really got under my skin. I felt confused and angry because he was about to have such an effect over me and not even know or care. The connection between us was unbalanced. I don't think that we were right for each other, and I know that now. But it still hurt to lose somebody that I had a genuine connection with. I was specific advised not to get involved with R, considering what had happened earlier this year, but I did it anyway.