Books and a Movie

Today, I got up late, and tried to rush out of here to get to the library. I have a side project that I am working on for school, so I wanted to check out a few books on the subjects. I have always liked the library, but it seems like I never really find what I need in there. Sure, they have thousands of great books and stuff, but not what I need necessarily. Instead of the local library, I thought I would try out the Central Library Downtown. It's a really cool building, but it is such a hassle to get there. I should have taken the bus instead of paying $15 to park and sit in traffic for hours to get there and back. And it was a strange experience unto itself. The librarians weren't too helpful, and they always seem to be slightly annoyed or dismayed about something. One did try her best to help me, but only pointed me in the direction of books that were already checked out. NO computers were available, and I saw people using them for everything from looking up porn, to watching Star Wars online. There was a strange smell in parts of it, the same smell I remember from walking through the older parts of New York and Boston (the North End). It's a public place, but still a harrowing experience.

BLACKFRAT called and noticed that I had clicked on "not attending" for a party held tonight by a mutual friend that we went to high school with. I debated on going to the party, because this is something that would have helped me in the long run. Although my first instinct was to brush it off, I knew it would probably be better to go. I have spent so much of my life avoid uncomfortable situations, dodging informal interaction with people, and denying myself a more diverse array of experiences. In the end we didn't go, because I am well below the age requirement, and BLACKFRAT didn't feel like paying $20 for a birthday party. But the next time a situation comes up, I'm not going to shy away as always. I have to participate. The only way I can make these things less weird, is to put myself out there more and more. I know that now, and I'm starting to feel a little more confident about myself in that respect.

Went out to Calendar's and saw 4 Christmas with two friends from elementary school. We have known each other for years and had fun looking at old yearbooks from when we were in 3rd and 4th grade. It was so crazy to see that stuff. This was the typical big city public school. Majority minority, every class had a minimum of 40 students, black top playground, and plenty of bad, foul mouthed kids (myself included). We used to think so much of ourselves, that we knew so much and looked to reaching the 8th grade as some magical boundaries. I saw the 8th graders as the pinacle of adulthood, the big kids, the leaders of the school. There were so many people we lost touch with, so many that have gone on to college, had children, and sadly, a few that didn't make it. That school was a lot of things for me. It really affected the way I view myself in relation to others, and at times was a public nightmare and a private hell. But I also received attention from some caring and wonderful teachers that saw something in me and pushed me to do more.

In a pivotal scene of the movie, Reese Witherspoon's father sat her down and talked to her about honesty. He gave her some quote akin to "the truth will set you free," I wish I could remember exactly what he had said. The words struck a chord with me. I really hate being fake, lying, doing anything that isn't authentic to who I am. Yet, I often find it easily to hide behind appearances, tell people what they want to hear, and try to make myself seem more important.

Mood: Spent
Listening: "Hey Ya!" by Andre 3000

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In His Eyes

Here is the assessment that my friend did of me.

After meeting Catchingupat20 in a very strange setting, I found myself drawn to him for a host a reasons. After realizing that this young man was not the typical ATL trash, I decided to finally unveil that I, too majored in (BlANK). After hearing about Catchingupat20's desires and past summer experiences at MIT, I knew he was destined for not just greatness, but supreme excellence. A few conversations eventually allowed both Catchingupat20 and I to open up and exchange more freely our thoughts and ideas about each other, life, religion, politics, social issues, etc. Although we have a significant age difference, I value Catchingupat20's opinion (although sometimes a bit "rogue" in nature...) and look forward to having Catchingupat20 in my life for years to come.

When I first met Catchingupat20 it person, it became immediately clear to me that this young man was searching for something very deep. I could tell that Catchingupat20 was shut out, mainly by his own actions, from the joy of having an abundant and "full" collegiate experience...probably because he felt as if he did not fit in. I could tell that Catchingupat20 was a simple guy in terms of clothing selections, etc...but this did not mean he was unkept or unattractive. This self-imposed banishment has caused Catchingupat20 to feel as if he was a social outcast, when indeed, Catchingupat20 has not given his personal desires a chance to flourish and grow (as his academic success has). It probably doesnt help that Catchingupat20 sees himself as unattractive, unavailable, unwilling and non-committal to the "human" side of life. As a result, this man chooses to live a life that's extremely "robotic" in nature...reacting to personal issues only when absolutely necessary. This is no way to live.

It doesnt help that this young man already felt this way throughout his adolescent years, and now, these same issues are plaguing him in present-time. I also saw someone who was very sad deep down inside, and yearning to be accepted by the majority (what Catchingupat20 doesnt realize yet...and wont until years later, is that being accepted by the masses @ Morehouse at this day and age is probably NOT a good thing). I do not want him to suffer the consequences of not having a sounding board or guide to avoid years and years of unnecessary heartache. Therefore, I felt the need to intervene and assist this man in not choosing the rough side of the mountain. Its so obvious that Catchingupat20 is going to be fine in life- if only he believed this for himself and applied some experimental techniques into his daily routine to "get better" at the things he wants from life.

I want to help Catchingupat20. My prayer is that this brother will heed my advice, learn and listen to others, realize that these are indeed the golden years where its completely ok to try new hairstyles, clothing styles, and things that (safely) strike your fancy...and modify the things that you want, but realize that its completely ok to be just who you are. Catchingupat20 should pray and meditate more and ask God for his divine love; it is only there that Catchingupat20 will be able to receive the full grace he's deserved to live out the "full live" he earnestly seeks.

I see him as a gentleman in the making. Catchingupat20 will need to exercise extreme patience and prove to himself, moreso than others, he is indeed an open individual. Learn to respect the differences and opinions of others- just dont exchange your soul and heart for things that are not true representatives of yourself. Catchingupat20 guards himself by hiding from the world and not sharing the joys of his personality and outspoken nature. He also views similar to "Steve Urkel" (a nerdy kinda character----what Catchingupat20 doesnt realize is that Steve also turned in STEPHAN....Catchingupat20 has so much potential to turn into a STEPHAN like character...once he defines what is comfortable and fitting for him). Everyone who has come into contact with Catchingupat20 knows he's a scholar; there is no need to fine tune this attribute or prove yourself. Your thirst for academics and quest for excellence is evident and you dont have to say a word about it. Catchingupat20 needs to MAINTAIN his scholarly ways, but exert the same level of energy and persistence from his academic success into remedying his own personal flaws and desires.

I am confident Catchingupat20 will succeed- but he must realize that you only live once. Restraining one's self is no way to live life....we must live each day as if it were our last. As black men, we must also realize that no one, including those who look like we do, is going to give us anything. That includes hoping/wishing/praying for friends to find you. You must define what you want, and you must go for it with God's love at your side. As the great Benjamin Mays once said, "Low aim, not failure, is sin".

 

I felt bad that I hadn't put quite as much into my assessment of him. As he describes me as sometimes "robotic," I wrote a much more impartial assessment of him, borderline ruthless. I wasn't trying to be mean or deliberately hurt his feelings, but he said I assessed him like a "cold, IRS agent would audit a business." Ouch. Well, I did it to the best of my ability :)

I agree with many of the points he made concerning the lack of self confidence and inhibition from new experiences. I don't know where that rogue comment came from, I am if anything, cautious, especially in talking to other people about themselves. I feel like he was projecting some of his own qualities back onto me. For his privacy, I left out a large part of this where he talked about his own dark experiences in the past, and he has had a very unique experience. My own life aside, I am grateful that I did not have to go through many of the things that he did, and partially jealous for the same reasons. Often, the age gap between us makes it hard for me to really evaluate him, yet I generally feel more comfortable talking to him than people in my own cohort or whatever. That has always been the case for me. I can play and get along with kids, I can converse fine with adults, but I cower around people my own age. I don't know why that is. I was the only cousin born in my age group in the family (between 1985 and 1991, I was the baby), so I had to learn to get along with people older and younger than I am.

The weather in LA has been disappointing lately. This week it has been rainier and COLDER than Atlanta's winter, and now my cousin, OLDGIRL, tells me that it is in the low 70s out there. Weird twist of fate I guess. She is going to be coming out here soon and I have to figure out what to get her for Christmas (I pulled her name in the family's Secret Santa). She loves Betty Boop stuff, so I will probably get her a purse with the cartoon insignia or something cool Downtown. She has been talking about mounting her guitar, and since I leave to go back before she does, I could stop by Lowe's and get some slats to put in on the wall. For PRIVATEPLAN, I think I will get a joke gift, like a certificate to Victoria Secret or something haha. For BIGGIERICH, I am getting him a one month membership to a wine of the month club. Everybody else I already have covered.

Positivity. It's a frame of mind. It's so easy to drift and wallow in cynicism and sarcasm, that I don't even know how to be happy. I think PRIVATEPLAN hit the mark in his assessment that I need to figure out what exactly I want: from myself, from others, from life. I read something today that asked, what idea/force/thing makes you get up in the morning? I think the fact that at school, I often had trouble getting up is proof enough on this one. I just don't know. Questions about life purpose stop me right in my tracks. Of course, I love cities, I love architecture, I love urban design and development. I love my family, and have made a handful of friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have to admit that none of that really excites me enough for me to swear by it as my wake up in the morning, life's purpose. I got up today, just to eat some of my mom's pancakes and walk her little dog. Baby steps. I'll make progress from there. Paso a paso, se va lejos.

Mood: Impatiently waiting for nothing at all
Listening: "My Babe" by Columbus Short playing Little Walter
Random Quote: "Yeah, Mr. Williams always asks about what Little Denzel is doing..." - Dad
My Response: Oh gosh, I don't really know about that. And if I could blush right now, I would /:-)

Home Again

My friend and I are doing assessments of each other, so I thought I would post mine here.

"Catchingupat20 is a short, Black guy with a large forehead and somewhat large but sleepy eyes. He has issues with his height, and generally has difficulty in establishing relationships with people. His viewpoint on life is marked by cynicism, lack of focus, and self denial.  He has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates him and inhibits his readiness to give himself freely. While Catchingupat20 wants to surrender and let himself go, he regards this idea as a weakness which must be resisted. Self-restraint, he feels, will lift him above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality. He has a complicated, but selfish and conceited view of himself in the world. Although he wants to connect and converse with the people that he deems to be worthy (attractive, intelligent, ambitious), he does not feel confident enough in himself to do so. He holds onto the fantasy that people will magically seek him out and things that he wants will fall into place, but in reality attempts to put on a façade of melancholy and disappointment. Catchingupat20 is egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. He is very sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. He is prone to intense jealousy of others, and has difficulty in celebrating the success of others. He has few close friends, and rarely allows people get close to him. He tries to remain as neutral as possible. Often his sense of ego makes him irritable and intolerant of others.

Catchingupat20 has an unstable personality that varies from angry to sullen. He is not often visibly happy, and when he is, it is a fleeting experience. He is extremely neurotic and highly introspective to the point that he could exist for days at a time without speaking to another person. He sticks obstinately to his own point of view in the belief that this proves his independence and self-determination.  Often he is in a strained state of trying to calm down and unwind after periods of over-agitation which leave him listless and devoid of energy. He is constantly in search of peace and quiet, and becomes irritable if this is denied him. Catchingupat20 is very exacting in his emotional demands, especially during moments of intimacy, and is often left frustrated in his desire for perfection in relationships with friends and partners. Catchingupat20defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or opposition.

Due to his small size and athletic ineptitude, Catchingupat20 has a negative view of his own masculinity. He often feels inadequate in terms of height, strength, and stamina. Physically, he does not have much appealing characteristics. He has a goofy face, strange build, unattractive scars on his face and hands. 

Focus for Improvement:

Sociability: Willingness to talk to new people, begin and sustain conversation, carry more positive outlook and demeanor

Health & Fitness: Increase fitness level to remain competitive, play sports

Personal Development: Develop a personal style –dress, conversation, and opinion, stay focused on important tasks."

 
 

I have been back in LA for three days now, and things are alright so far. My parents have been hit pretty hard by the economy, especially when my Dad is hiding bankruptcy forms from my Mom in my old room and she has also made the decision not to decorate the house this year, put up a tree or buy any new Christmas CD's. This dearth of Christmas spirit seems to be pervasive everywhere I go. Maybe it's the economy or other issues, but I don't feel the energy or the warmth from other people that you usually feel during the holidays. I can't even remember the last time I wished somebody a happy holidays or vice versa. I'm going to start saying it now, and being sincere about it.

Every year I come back home from college, my relationship with my parents gets stranger. Technically, I am 'grown,' but I can't really admit to this since I am financially dependent on them. My Dad pays half of my rent, and my Mom pays my cell phone. I try not to ask them for money; most major purchases that I have to make (airline tickets, new computer, tires for the car), I make on my own. Luckily, I do have a job with a very generous boss and also have scholarship renewals that have sustained me, but I am not truly independent. Although I would like to think that they would not do this, I have to consider what life would be like were I to be cut off. If I tell my parents the truth, I don't know how they would take it at this point. I have to be prepared with what I would do if I was financially independent. I definitely don't think they would kick me out of the house or worse, but I know they won't be pleased. As an only child and son, whose father is a first born son, whose grandfather is a first born son, legacies have an unspoken performance. My father is also in competition with his younger brother, who has FOUR sons, and I sense that he is banking on my having grandchildren, for my uncle will unquestionably have them.

We are in a weird place, because we both are getting older, and I have to learn to change the context in which I see them. Although this is my 'home,' it is not my house anymore. It is my parents' house. As I have gotten older, they have become less imposing and more human to me. I used to see my Dad as this hard-working, steadfast, intelligent man that was passionate, opinionated, and independent. But I now see his faults glaring up at me, from being lax on financial matters, to expressing some frighteningly uninformed opinions on issues (he voted yes on Prop. 8, because he believed 2^nd graders were going to have gay marriage in their TEXTBOOKS. I don't even remember them having traditional marriage in them, but whatever …). My Mom was the considerate one, who kept order and stability through a clean house, an open ear, and a dedication to common sense and practicality. Now, I see she is just as emotional, irrational, and imperfect in her views of the world as anyone else. She spends money on frivolous items and refuses to take a close look on things that don't go her way. I love and respect my parents, but maybe this is a part of growing up. Maybe, time away from home is making me smug and more critical of my parents. But maybe for the first time I am seeing them as they really are, with all their strengths and their weaknesses.

At home, I have yet to visit any of my old friends, because well I don't really have any here. Most of the people I still interact with aren't home yet, so for now I am going to focus on creating a workout plan, searching for the perfect internship this summer, working on activities for my extra-curriculars at school, and just going out and spending time in the city. And oh yeah, MEETING PEOPLE, particularly gay people. That's a big thing I need to work on. I have to think positively, and develop a comfort and ease with myself, and with interacting with people that I have just met. I have sworn myself off BGC and Craigslist for the interim, at least until I get to a place where I know that I could survive and build social networks for myself without it.

Milk

So SIXTYNINE and I went to see the movie MILK movie yesterday, at the only theater it seems to be playing at in Metro Atlanta. Before that, we had lunch at the Flying Biscuit and then hung out at the Outwrite bookstore before going to the movie. Yes, I can be very uncreative and picked some very gay-cliché to hang out ha-ha. I had a good time, but I am concerned about 1. SIXTYNINE being the only out person I know, (a bisexual with a girlfriend at that), and 2. Being his weekly gay thrill. SIXTYNINE and I have a complicated friendship to say the least. He is the only person I know that is open and honest about his sexuality, beyond that he has always had an open ear to all of my problems. But we joke that he is the Teflon Bi, because nobody seems to remember or take seriously that he is. It doesn't help that he is 6'9'', and I think that people can't get over his height when they initially meet him. I haven't either. Maybe people just cannot see a person that tall as being gay?I think that everyone has a defining THING that people associate with them by default. I don't know what mine is, perhaps serious or sad. But for him it is his height, because he towers over everyone.

I need to meet some more people, outside of the internet, my own age, and at the same time confident and open about who they are. SIXTYNINE can't be the only one, because that is not enough for me. Going to whatever is playing at the Midtown Arts Cinema or gaping at the magazines in a gay bookstore is not what I'd call a social life. But whatever ... I'm making progress, I guess?

Milk was amazing. I am usually a very stoic and reserved person, but I may have started crying at the end of the movie. I read some information about the Stonewall riots on Wikipedia, and also saw other information about Harvey Milk in San Francisco, but I had no idea the impact he had on building a liberal, gay-friendly environment in San Francisco, in addition to being a pioneer for gay rights. With movies like this, there is always a danger of glorifying the central character, but I didn't really see that here. Of course, I know there is more to the story that was dramatized or left out of the film, but I think that it more than lived up to it's purpose. Sean Penn carried a sense of unease and desire within his portrayal of Milk that made his character less martyr-like, and more human. In less than ten years, he official came out, sacrificed two people that he loved (indirectly), gave momentum to a larger gay rights movement, and essentially gave his life so that others like him could live without restraint. It was really deep for me to consider after the film my personal views on being "out". It almost made me wanted to be become an activist.

As a young gay male, I haven't been pulling my weight in terms of integrating my sexuality into the rest of my life. I have been thinking about coming out to my family, because I hate fielding the questions about girlfriends, and the macho suggestive comments from male family members that "if you aren't getting enough, it will fall off" and that I should be describing every detail of my sexual exploits to them. Honestly, even if I was straight, that's my business. It's ok to broadcast your heterosexuality, whether it's pictures of girlfriend on your online account, or a daily discussion on whether or you would fuck a bitch that your friend (Unfortunately cafeteria discussion I had to endure at lunch). I've seen and heard it all here at Morehouse College concerning homophobia. I understand that in this all male environment, students feel the need to put their masculine energy into overdrive. But most of the time it looks silly, and becomes downright oppressive. I have to listen to your BS all day, but I get a dirty look if I verbally admit that I find a man attractive? Back to the main point, I don't know how I would come out to the family. The brave thing to do would be to tell everyone at Christmas, all at the same time. The thing I worry about is not even being hated or discredited, but not being able to defend myself. What would I counter their objections, their criticism with? How would I respond in a way that is adequate enough for them to understand that this is not a phase, and that I still deserve to be loved and respected as a member of the family? I don't know, sometimes I want to simply write a letter to everybody and leave it at that.

I have four finals to study for, pack to go home, and I'm starting my workout regime for the umpteenth time. There are a lot of things that I want and need to do; hopefully I will be able to get them done. I've been doing a very bad with these daily reflections, and this is the second time that I have had to recommit, but I will this time around. Christmas is coming.

Mood: Eager
Listening: "California Soul" by Marlena Shaw

I Thought I Knew You

I leave to go back to LA a week from tomorrow, and I have no idea what I'm going to do at home. I do want to see my family, and visit some familiar places, but outside of that, there is nothing there for me. For the longest time I never really felt connected to anybody or anything there. I went to a high school that was in the middle of the most superficial and overhyped section of the city, the Westside. My classmates were the children of high powered doctors, lawyers, executives and producers. They were cool enough, and I can honestly say that nobody made my time there particularly difficult, but looking back I don't know how much I got out of going to school there. I was dealing with my own issues concerning sexuality and masculinity, and I think these issues made defining and identifying myself with anything at the time extremely difficult. Worse (or better) yet, the school had no real cliques. I mean, there was a clear social hierarchy and people had certain friends they spent the most time with, but I seemed to just exist outside of that. The few people I did identify myself, I still shielded myself from. I was afraid of people thinking that I was gay, or just boring. Although they probably wouldn't have cared about the first, the second seemed to be plainly obvious to me.

I can remember going off campus to play tennis one time with two friends. Later, we had planned on going to hang out at his house. The courts were just down the street from campus, and I had brought out my old racket to play a few sets after school. When we started playing, I couldn't return the ball. As I missed ball after ball, this great sense of anxiety began to grow within me, and it must have been obvious because my friend eventually said "Listen dude, you could just go back to campus and hang out while (Blank) and I finish up the game." And I do what I naturally do in a situation where my sense of inadequacy turns into intense social discomfort, I lied. I faked a phone call from my mom, and said I had to go back to catch the bus home. They didn't seem to think much of it, but I was so ready to get out of there. Looking back, that was such a minor situation, but it strained and separated me from really becoming friends with the both of them, at least in my mind. It's amazing how the smallest thing affected me then. I should have been about to just shrug it off and chill out. But more often than not, I find myself to be rebuffed, sabotaging myself with blind eyes.

So, yesterday, as I went to classes tired as hell from being awake all night thanks to OLDGIRL's new bird (yeah, she has no money for gas, but enough for ANIMALS), I had to think about how fast this semester, and college are going. I feel that freshman year was far away, but it really wasn't, just 2 years ago. 2 years ago I arrived at this school pissed at the world and frustrated with myself. I had my laptop stolen, gotten lost in a somewhat unsafe area, been ridiculed by my RA, spent a harrowing month on the dorm step team, and survived as a first-year biology major. My question was what do I have to show for it? I see many of the friends and familiar faces from then, and I can tell how much they have changed. They have grown up, done more than I have, and grown more into the people they will be. Can I say the same for myself? Do I see the same positive changes for me? I don't know, but I have to remain optimistic and hope for the best.

I was talking to PRIVATEPLAN over the phone this weekend, and the things he had said were just almost too heavy for me. He talked about his experience "In the Life" and how they have made him bitter, cold and sardonic, and generally depressed about his life and chances of meeting a life partner. In his voice, I could hear his discouragement and desperation. He said that he was no longer himself, lost some of the jovial and better parts of himself that he used to know. I was shocked and saddened to hear him say that he even contemplated ending it all. He said that he only looked for people that he could control; those who may be physically attractive, but emotionally immature, so that he could cut them out of his life before they hurt him. I don't know how qualified I was to respond to his own hurt and experience, but I tried too. I look up to him, like a big brother than I never had. To hear him say some of these things is disheartening to be sure, and makes me afraid about what is out there for me. I know that we are two very different people, especially in that he was a lot more 'active' than I at this age. But I feel that we are alike in certain ways, and I am worried about him. To hear somebody you admire admit their personal issues is hard to take, but I have to realize that he is human. Just because somebody in everyday life exudes a sense of confidence and calm, doesn't mean they aren't dealing with their own problems. Maybe something I said was adequate enough to elicit a response from him, but at this point I just don't know.

The people and things that I thought I was familiar with, I find that I am not. I was watching an episode of Home Improvement, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas had returned home from a trip to Costa Rica to find out that life at home did not cease while he was gone. All of a sudden, he found things had changed to a level of unfamiliarity that made him feel separated from the rest of his family. As I get older, and spend more and more time away from the life that defined me for 18 years, I feel like Jonathan. I know that it's important for me to retain connections to family and friends at home, because they are people that I care about vice versa. These people and experiences shape who I am and will continue to do so. But I so easily block out, separate and isolate myself from others, that I just don't know how to hold the connection together. For now, I'm going to focus on studying for finals and getting an internship for next semester and summer. LA in a week, and it's cold THERE to.

Mood: Listless
Listening: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga