Stop and Smell the Roses

This is the hectic part of the semester. Although the weather is warming up, the projects are building up. I have literally so many big things to do that it's doubtful if I can make all of my obligations. Here's a sample of what I have to for this week.

Sociology: First Draft of a 10 page paper

Environmental Law: Write a policy brief on climate change, as well as a presentation on a 56 page case

Speech: a well thought out paper and Persuasive speech

Money and Banking: study to make up for the last two tests

Macroeconomics: Continue to study

City of Atlanta: Just random projects, but it takes a cool 20 minutes to get there

Public Service Institute: Real Estate Development project

Summer Program: Complete the summary of my research outline for the 8 week program

Urban Studies Club: Try to have 3 events in the next WEEK so that we aren't put on probation next year

STUDYING FOR THE GRE AND LSAT (Which I haven't done AT ALL!!!!!!!!!)

Ok, this is just the academic tip, and doesn't account for all the personal and professional things that I would like to do. I need to work out, I need to get to know more of my poli sci teachers for recommendations, I have so many damn things to do it's literally the monkey on my back. I have slacked off for most of semester, and now everything has come to a head. PRIVATEPLAN recommended to me that I take a step back, and stop so hard on myself. Live day by day. It's difficult. Sometimes all I want to do is take a long walk through the park, and relax. Look at the trees, take a deep breath, and become totally aware of everything outside of me. Just sit and be. That idea to me would be HEAVEN.

Mood: Actually, good

Listening: "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro

Random Quote: When you file your taxes remember not to list yourself as a dependent.

Response: ummm … what??

3 Dreams in One

K, so I had a dream that was weird as hell last night. I dreamed that I was at this studio, with Essence Atkins (the sister from Smart Guy). So she was a teacher, and there was a classroom set. But it was like she was a real teacher. First her students are in the classroom, and they are happy because she sent out the bad seeds . Then, for some reason, the kids are gone and essence is with adults. She got a big promotion to work in New York, and the other crew on set are happy for her. But all of a sudden, some thuggish mob guys come in, and decide they have to rape her, because they already raped her sister. They do it, and then she tells her sister, "well, you know I have to do everything you do."

Then, my dad and I were in a car, and these guys were shooting each other on the street. I was in the driver's seat and dad was in the passenger seat. One of them comes up to his window, and I'm like dad get down. I pull him down and I am over him. The guy is pointing the gun into the car like he is really going to shoot. And I'm just thinking, "man, please don't shoot him, don't shoot my dad."

Then, for some reason, I developed a gap between my two front teeth, and lost one tooth on the side, and another loose one, I stopped pretending and just pulled it out. I remember the pain from pulling it out and tasting the bloody stub from where it was. I sent my dad a text about this or something, and took back my earlier promise to never let him look in my mouth. He said "well, thanks much appreciated." I was nervous and angry that I had lost these teeth, because I had always prided myself on them. I went to see some random female dentist, thinking that I had to get all these root canals and false teeth. She was like "You have been eating too much candy, and now you suffer the consequences" or something like that. So I was then looking at myself in the mirror thinking, "DAMN. Ok, so now I have to live with this??"

This was like three mini dreams all rolled into one. I have so much random stuff going through my head, I don't even know where to start in terms of analysis. Just thought I would add that lil' bit of info for ya.

 

Mood: On the way to being awake    

Listening: Looking Through the Eye of a Pig

Random Quote: From dream "Losing teeth is a sign of lost wisdom."

Response: Oh shit …

Spinning out of Control

I have been fighting a battle. I have been armed and on the move, with stealth strategy, the most advanced weapons, and plenty of infantry. My enemy seems to be in retreat, but his weakness only makes me press harder. The enemy is me. I don’t know how I got here, but I have morphed into this emotionless being. Someone that doesn’t respond to or acknowledge anything or anyone. I can’t even muster up the initiative to walk down the hill from the dorm, in the fear that people are judging me. That fear, that paralyzing sense of rejection and hurt. I hide from everyone and push them any because of it. In reality, nobody has ever been close enough to me to actually reject me. It’s a crisis period now, because I am a junior in college. I can count on my HAND the number of people here that I might talk to when I get older. This is my challenge. To see myself as valuable. To see others as valuable. To engage with others confidently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want my clothes to fit me and perfectly accentuate my own personality and style. I want to have strong and lasting friendships. I want to be perceived as fun, accessible and worthy. I want to be a greater catchingupat20.

I went to the California Club meeting after classes today, and it was weird to be with those people again. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of animosity toward black people from my home state and especially my home city. Since I am “new” to the club, I had to stand up and introduce myself. Ok, now I thought I was improving here. I mean, I thought that I had learned how to confidently interact with my peers. But, I was wrong. The worst part is when I said my high school, I said “Brentwood School.” Apparently saying school was just too damn affected and ‘proper,’ because the perennially cool DJ/hipster asshole Kevin ‘Era’ Cox thought it was funny. Granted, I don’t truthfully know why he laughed, but damn, why does somebody always have to get a laugh at my expense. What is the deal with that? The meeting was alright, I mean, I met one person, but it was nothing big. This girl Brittany that goes to Chapman in Orange County. Another girl from home I know was there, as well as the Senator twins.

Renita had come to my meeting at the Leadership building today, and of course she blew them away. She is hands down one of the most intelligent people that I have ever seen. She can go anywhere and talk about anything with such an ease and confidence. She also knows how to work people, and work around them to get her point across. I’m proud to be related to her, but at the same time, I see the more tragic parts of her life. She didn’t get to finish college, has worked at a demanding and thankless job for years, and carried the burden of caring for her aging parents. She is a selfless person, and I admire that about her. But it makes me sad to know that she is not being utilized as the amazing resource of knowledge and positive energy that she is. Maybe that is something I can learn from her as well. I wish I had a bit of the charisma that she has effortlessly.

I feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault that people don’t respond to me. It’s my fault that I have never been a relationship. It’s my fault that I can never truly get close to people. It’s my fault that I feel like an alien to my campus. Ok, so my taking responsibility for that since I am grown man (as my mom so unkindly reminded me on the phone). So what do I do? Where do I start. My style, my confidence level, my organization and time management, my familial relationships, my friendships, my physcial health. It’s daunting to think of it all, and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I think it’s about changing how I think and feel about myself. Ok, that is difficult, and I haven’t given it enough of a try. But perhaps now I will.

Mood: Unsettled
Listening: Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie
Random Quote: catchingupat20, you tried to hide, but you have to do it too.
My Response: I hate intros ...

Randomness

So, now I am 21 years old. I have been out for a year. I have never felt more lost or confused about the future because I don't know what I want. I can't tell what I want for myself, from my career, from my friends, from a potential partner. At this point I know that I have to engage myself in my studies, just dive in and not think about it. But at the same time, I have physical needs to be met, and I have emotional needs to be met, the latter of which surprised me. Often I feel like I couldn't fall in love or have affection for someone. But I WANT to. I want to feel something for somebody and have that feeling be reciprocated. There are so many things whirling around right now, and I have no anchor point. I don't have a person that I can wholly trust right now, that seems to generally care about my well-being. That is scary. Perhaps, this is the time for me to strengthen myself as an individual, but all I want to do is crawl under a rock and sleep the confusion away.

My mind is all over the place, because I really can't seem to get a focus point. I am tired of constantly listening to the problems of my 'friends,' yet people have but a second to listen to mine. And the people that do listen only do so because they have a sexual attraction to me (that ain't many, trust me). I need to vent because I am scared of what's happening. I get this twitch in my eye, whenever I seem to have totally lost any sense of balance and get too stressed or angry, and it's been in full force for the past week. I want to change, to be a different person, a better one, a happier one, a social one. I want to know what to say and when to say it. To be able to talk and strike up conversation and even interest and connection with the guys that I am attracted to, but it never seems to happen. Even as I type this I can hear the silly and contented humor between friends outside. I have to be brave, for lack of a better word. I have to own up, realize my own capabilities, emphasis my strengths and build on my weaknesses. I have to be the one that I am waiting for. I have to be my own prince first, before I can find him anywhere else.

 

Mood: Discontent

Listening: "When I am Through With You" by the VLA

Random Quote: none

Response: Where am I?

The Breaking Point

I read most of my January posts, and saw that month as a very hard time for me. I came home from LA with this feeling of discouragement and I did not come into the semester rearing to go. In fact, I think I sabotaged a lot of the progress that I should have made. I was inspired about the election of the new President, but more often than not, I got in the way of my own inspiration and energy. I think the hardest thing for me to do was to face the fact that I have to take responsibility for most of the things that I do. I also have to realize that there are only so many hours in the day. I have to learn to manage my time as best as I can. I have a strange combination of self-importance, negativity, and sardonicism. I have had a relatively uneventful life, and nothing in memory can see what triggers my strong feelings of scorn and distrust. I have some work to do. I have to work on being a more open and inviting person, and I have to be open to sharing myself with others. I have to start managing my time as best as I can, and thinking about myself and others in new and different ways. This is hard.

It's hard to think about all of this and then try and manage the hundreds of different tasks I have given myself. I am overdue on my assignments. I waste time egregiously. It's 1 am, and I feel like it was 2pm just a few minutes ago. Where did all of that time go? What the heck was I doing? I hate feeling like I have a mountain of tasks over my head, and no time to start then or give them all the attention that they deserve. I hate having to half-do everything, but that's what happens. I know that I need to start scheduling things better, and focusing on DOING the work, but I never seem to be able to get started. I just wish things were working in my favor. More often than not, it seems like they aren't.

So, I have a new boy in my life, CHIPMUNK, for his cute, but goofy smile. I met CHIPMUNK last year and I hadn't really kept in contact with him. But after yet another romp through honesty box, I met up with him again, and I guess he seems interested in me. He is from Norfolk, va, and has had issues with family growing up. He has many of the confidence issues I have, in fact, I think I see a lot of myself in him (and that scares me more than attracts me). I know that he likes me, but I don't know if the feeling is reciprocated by me. He is nice, but something about him just doesn't click with me. He is very goofy, and has bad breath, and is slow. I mean slow as in not the most perceptive person. He is the first person that has some kind of interest in me, and perhaps I need to explore something with him. I don't want to do it just because though. I was in his room Friday night, and I boldly initiated some action, but we were quickly thwarted when his roommate came in. It was really weird to have somebody feeling on my arm and then him pulling me down to the bed. REALLY WEIRD. I didn't know what to do, and it seemed so awkward. Were it on tape, it would probably be the worst softcore porn you have ever seen. I was halfway relieved when his roommate came in, because it made the situation less strange and I was spared for the moment. I will eventually call him again, and try something. I need something, anything at this point. I just wish he was a little more aggressive, but damn it. That's just more excuses … We'll see what happens.

Mood: I'm le tired
Listening: "Nite and Day" by Al B. Sure

Random Quote: "I just need dick. My twat is wide open." - OLDGIRL
My Response: What. The. Fuck. !?

If I’m Lyin’ I’m Dyin’

When I was a little kid, I used to look straight into the sun and squint. Now I have slowing declining eyesight and depend on my glass and synthetic. Thanks childhood ignorance. I would tell myself that I didn't belong in the school I was in, that I had another place, another family, another life for myself. Delusional? Yeah, but it was a great escape for me, and the being of the lying game for me. I wouldn't consider myself a compulsive liar, but lying comes easy for me. Sometimes I can do it without even thinking. I'll lie about random things that shouldn't matter, like I have an older sister or I was born in Yuma Arizona. In truth, I can't say that I don't know that I'm doing it, I do. I guess I like the idea of getting away with it; deceiving people through trivial details that should not matter at all. I started thinking about this when OLDGIRL came home and was on her Obamanos high (Which I was too earlier in the day). I told her I had gone to campus to watch the inauguration with friends, when in fact, I had just stayed home and texted friends while watching on CNN online. I lied because I didn't want her to have the upper hand, where she is the normal, social one that had fun with friends watching the inauguration at a restaurant, while I, the dysfunctional one, watched at home alone. Although I have lied to her about multiple stupid things in the past, this one kind of irked me. I feel this strange sense of social competition with my cousin already, and I often lie to save face.

If I define a lie as simply as not telling the truth, then I am a much bigger liar than I thought. The longer I let people assume that I am straight and play into the norms of social convention, the greater my deception. I see the benefit in this as a sigh of relaxation. The lie gives me the ability to live without having to explain myself or deal with the baggage of others. A cowardly explanation to be sure. The lie allows me to live without having to do the work of defining my identity. I don't have to grapple as young gay college student if nobody (to my knowledge) knows my sexuality, so it remains in this undeveloped state. I long and desire for my relationships in secret, afraid of both diving into a more subjective and 'exciting' DL lifestyle and living a more open and insecure position of an affirming and open homosexual. Lying is only damaging to me. Other people, however angry or apathetic they would be to my sexuality, aren't phased by the lie, I am. The more I think about it, the more anxiety I feel about what is coming for me. I am a good liar, unfortunately. Despite them having no benefit to me or anyone else, I continue to do it. They buy me time and a false sense of security. One more day I don't have to come to terms with my identity, and one less person's judgment to evade.

Today was a great day, for the obvious reason. I was beaming when I saw the Obamas and the Bidens standing on this white staircase, waving to the Bushes as they flew to Andrews AFB aboard Executive One. I was pleased to see two little black girls excitedly and confidently walk out of the Capitol building and talk their seats as they anticipated their father's transition. I was struck by the love, respect and pride I saw in Michelle Obama's face as she watched her husband complete his oath of office. I was humored by Rev. Lowery comments on color. President Obama has a tough road ahead, and high expectations from the millions that have embraced his message of hope and change. I appreciate that he never assumes the arrogant position of taking full responsibility for the country, he points the load back to the rest of us. We have to take charge of our families, our wallets, our carbon footprint, our careers, and our nation. I voted for Obama not because he was black, or for things that make him singular as an American President. I voted for him because he restored my faith in the American dream. As corny as it is, I have never felt like a whole American until now. I had never cared about politics, the economy, and even my own civil rights as a black gay male, until I saw, heard and felt his message.

Mood: Accepting
Listening: "Lies" by The Black Keys

 

Like a Broken Record

So today, SIXTYNINE and I went to City Café to talk about what the heck I was going through in that texting conversation. I think I offended him in that he gathered that I felt that he wasn't enough of a friend to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have very, VERY few people in this world that I trust. Unfortunately, I can't even count anyone in my family among these ranks, but he is one of those people. The real issue is that I want to know more people. I have been harping on that point for weeks now, but I honestly don't know where to start in this respect. I feel somewhat stuck in the sense that there is no guarantee for me in terms meeting gay people. Morehouse has plenty of gays, from the DL Ying/Yang-ish thug to the Prada and D&G bound fashionista, but there doesn't seem to be much of an in-between. SIXTYNINE is cool, but he is just about the only gay person I know that isn't more than 7 years older than me. He can't be all of my experience, especially since he is a bisexual with a girlfriend. Frankly, I need a little more than that.

I know that I am very hard on people, and especially judgmental and cynical toward new people. I guess I have adopted this mindset of rejecting others before they reject you. I think of myself as better than the queens, too refined for the thugs - just above everyone. And I hate that part of myself. The arrogant, self-serving part that wants to be that flashy, television gay male that has the high powered job, the great house, the nice car, the body, the wardrobe, the friends. The guy that never has a problem finding a one night stand at the club or at Starbucks, all the while maintaining all the other parts of his life with ease. Ok, so I don't really know where this perfect gay male lifestyle exists, but for some reason, I hold this unattainable ideal of what I should be. More often than not, I punish myself and other people for not meeting this impossible standard. I never let anybody get close enough to me, because I fear that they will see me, all of me, and see nothing of value. One of my biggest fears is the thought of ending up alone, a lonely old man in some middle management position waiting for a lonely retirement in some god awful South Florida resting home. Wow, getting more and more dramatic as time goes on haha.

For the new Spring Semester, I am focused on commitment. The commitments I make to myself through my goals and personal statement, as well as commitments to school, family, friends, God, and other aspects of my life. I especially commit to opening up to a new friend, so that I have more than one reliable source that I can depend on, and that will depend on me.

Mood: ehhh … I'm aiight
Listening: Apache by the Incredible Bongo Band

Random Quote: "You are the most closed and undependable person I know and you are my best friend. Explain that one." – SIXTYNINE
My Response: WOW …. Okay …