Much Ado About Nothing (It’s cute)

Damn, I wish I was somebody else. Like somebody that goes to parties and clubs and has a fucking good time. Im just sick of the crap that seems to be constantly handed to me as my social life. Pardon me for the negativity, but I must admit this weekend has royally sucked for me. Atlanta Black Pride. The black gay man's sexual feast. He finds himself surrounding by beautiful faces, hard bodies, and feelings of lust and licentiousness that he would be hard-pressed to find any other time of the year. The men, the boys, the gurlz flock to the Super 8 rooftop, TRAXX, 708, the Jungle, Django's, Vita, and the numerous other bars, clubs, and hotel that add to the bevy of excitement. I understand that pride, or at least the underlying purpose of it, is meant to be a celebration of identity, sexuality, individuality, and freedom. The black gay man probably feels twice as much of reason to celebration due to the conflicting and challenging definition of being a black man and gay or single gender loving in this country. So maybe pride is supposed to be a weekend of thanksgiving and celebration, and to an extent it still is. But, it has also become an extension of the typical weekend club experience, but this time around the bars are full of out-of-towners even more in search of those gratifying sexual experiences than the townies. The typical fanfare of conspicuously clad dancers doing things that would make even the most sexually experienced gay blush, armed with oiled, sculpted bodies, extra large, bulging packages and erotic movement. The divas like Toccara, Lil' Kim, Nene and others that play hostess, and the gays of course. The thugs, the gurlz, the tall, the short, the fashionistas, the preps, the big boys, the skinny and mini – every size, shape, type and complexion you can think of can be found in the streets of Atlanta.

I don't really know what I expected to happen. I mean, I tried to enter this situation with the chief intent of enjoying myself. Even, if I was just going to dance by myself (which I did) or have a drink with friends (which I did). But, to my un-surprise, it wasn't lol. Just nights of staring emptily into crowds of strangers that all mesh together into this sweaty, tall mass of nothingness that exist within a realm that I do not comprehend. Initially, I was kinda excited to go out, because I rarely do (although recently that has been a different story). I always privately keep this hope that I will see somebody, lock eyes with somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY and it will just click. Things will work out. I will know what to say or he will say all the right things. We will dance, and kiss and hell, it could just be a one night stand, I don't really care at this point. I guess I don't have any kind of magnetic factor that attracts people to me. I know I'm not the cutest (something that I have yet to fully grasp, but have to accept), I'm short, I don't have a winning personality of charm and wit. Ok, I get it. I don't like it, but I get that much now. It does seem like everyone around me is always having more fun than I am. Man, I hate that feeling lol.

Friday, SIXTYNINE, FRENCHXL and I headed to the Jungle for Wassupnatl's party there. FRENCHXL is a bio major from St. Louis that loves to CHAIN SMOKE weed and tobacco, and drink Wild Irish Rose. Despite my annoyance while waiting for him to "pre-game" with all of his substances, I enjoyed seeing him in this light. I don't him very well, so it was pleasing to see him cut loose and really enjoy himself. He claimed to have touched more dick that he ever had in his life, and taken some champagne from a gentlemen onstage that had toasted it with the tip of his penis as well. SIXTYNINE got some serious action from a queen that skillfully unzipped his pants on the dance floor and also gave him some oral pleasure as well (I don't know if he was exposed or it was through the pants, but I don't think that dude cares all that much). The crowd was a bit older than I expected, and the dancers and pornstars that showed up were a lot more, I don't know, real , to see in person. I honestly didn't have a bad time, I was glad to see my friends really enjoy themselves and to take in all the sights lol. I hadn't really expected to enjoy myself, it is what it is.

Saturday, we headed to Vita, and JUST MISSED the free admission and free vodka. There weren't many people when we first arrived, but in the matter of half an hour, it seems like almost a hundred dudes streamed into that small place. We danced on floor for a minute, and saw the infamous Dwight from the Real Housewives in all his glory having a good ol' time. It got so hot inside that we went outside to take a breather for a minute. Then, I immediately spotted two Morehouse students (because I have this knack for knowing everybody's name and history, but they don't know me of course ), BD and MP. BD was a high ranking SGA official that graduated last year. Short in stature, but not in ego or wardrobe. He immediately comes over, and like any gracious Morehouse Man, gives us the typical display of condescension mixed with intrigue. He is surprise to see SIXTYNINE here, I guess because of his height. But, in any case, after SIXTYNINE caresses his hand, BD goes, "Oh I'm a top, and trust I'm packing, maybe even bigger than you" to SIXTYNINE. Dude, I doubt you are LOL, but anything is possible. Anyway, once BD moves on to continue making his rounds, FRENCHXL gives a call to another friend, who comes to supply some weed. Then, a charming, little liar named Irvington comes over to find out about the square. Irv is a half-Japanese, Half-puerto Rican in town from Michigan by way of Miami, and wants to meet guys "that are interesting in more than sex." He was so pretty that I couldn't help but smile and giggle. I must have looked ridiculous. Anyway, he talks to us for a while and even promises to buy me a drink. I know better than anyone that this was a B.S. ting entirely, I had seen him making his way through the whole crowd, with that fake foreign accent playing innocent. An accent immediately gratifies me, makes me want to know more, lol. But yeah, he lied of course lol. I got a few texts from my D.C. friend. He was in town at TRAXX, so I did make the trek out there from Buckhead, but the damn place was hella crowded, and that place was so packed I couldn't begin to find him. The police were like checking the parking lots and arresting people for fighting and "indecent exposure." So I know that was my cue to go home.

I don't think I need to go to any more events. I'd had my fill and I'm ready to move on. One thing I know that I need to do is a complete personal re-assessment, to determine what my weaknesses are (among the many) and more importantly what I consider to be my strengths. Again, I'm slipping into this doomsday outlook on everything. I don't know how to shake it, but I'm really nervous about what's coming. Youth is fleeting, as a gay male, it's a mere millisecond. If this is how things are now, I shudder to think about the future. I have work to do, work on myself.

And sidenote: Since when is the cute the new adjective for any and everything??

Mood: Mean mug on my face

Listening: "Bag Lady" by Erykah Badu

Random Quote: Promise me we will buy tickets to fly in next year - SIXTYNINE

Response: I promise you will buy a ticket to come next year. I might be straight by then

La Dolce Vita

SIXTYNINE came back, horny as ever. Since he is finally 21, we decided to head out to some clubs for the local nightlife. At first he had wanted to go to Blake's, so he could dance to disco and house and party with white folks. But we both didn't really care, and eventually just settled on the club promoted by Atlanta's most popular (I guess?) black gay promoter. I have driven past this place numerous times, and it appeared usually packed, line out the door, but today, it was a breeze. I've only been to a few clubs in my life, but I'm always surprised at the difference between 18+ and 21+ clubs, like those three years make a hell of a difference. Compared to some others that I have been to, *cough* TRAXX *cough*, this one was more laid back, dudes were all nice looking, great music, and all around great atmosphere. SIXTYNINE immediately became the target for all of the tall guys in the room. So he had a good time.

All of my party and social experiences in the past have been I went to the party with some friends, talked to them for a minute, then they go off and I become a wallflower. I can't tell you how many awkward walks past dance floors and refreshments I have had in the past, but it's been a lot. I would find somewhere to be posted, get a drink, and that is that. No talking to others, no dancing, a bit of drinking – nothing but strained waiting until the other people I came with were ready to leave. I don't know if I just don't have quite a developed enough personality or what, but that has been every party experience lol. With this in mind, I didn't expect a lot to happen for me at the club. And it didn't lol. I guess I expected some dude to just spot me out of the crowd, whisper something perfect in my ear, and everything else would fall into place. Yeah right. I saw plenty of men that I was attracted to. And I did nothing. I got drunk off of a blue motherfucker, and a margarita. The bartender politely smiled and called me sweetie as he took my LAST 8 DOLLARS lol. I stumble through the club after, probably not looking very attractive or even approachable lol. And that was it.

I admit I was more than a little jealous that SIXTYNINE got more attention than me. But, then again, I wasn't surprised. My apprehension toward these types of events stems from one dull experience after another since I was 13. This is an area that I want to focus on, meeting people at events. Not just in the club atmosphere, but whether it be a cute guy at the bookstore or at an event on campus. Damn, I wish I had a little of that natural charisma that some people do. But you know what? If I want to change it, to become someone else, then I have to work on it. I don't want to radically change who I am, I just want to learn and polish up those parts of myself that I have been neglecting. My level of confidence and social skills are two of them.

Mood: Ok, just HOT

Listening: watching True Blood rerun

Random Quote:

Response:

You Never Know What’s Coming …

It all came rushing down in my head today, and I just feel mean. I feel this sluggish enmity toward everybody and everything. All the things that I don't understand, the people I don't comprehend, the places where I allow myself to fall down, low down. I get so easily consumed by fear. I have a long list of things and people and places that I carry fear, anger, and even hatred for. These negative feelings all just fester within me, and I suffer because of them. I suffer when I expect too much from others, and the worse of myself. I continually see everyone and everything as an ongoing threat to my existence, all of whom I almost naturally have learned to evade or fight at all cost. And what does it take to climb out of these feelings? It takes things like patience, confidence, trust, and love. I believe that I am capable of these things, but I would have to believe that I am capable of change.

I got a call late at night from my mom. She abruptly asked me to delete her facebook account. I was a little angry that she felt it necessary to call me at 2 am about this, but I obliged. After I logged onto her account, I looked at her messages, and found three messages. In these three messages, a woman confessed herself to my mom. She explained her lengthy affair with my father. He had given her an allowance of $300 a week, taken her to the same restaurants he had taken my mother and me. At family parties and gatherings with his friends, she was his companion, he even bought this woman a room down the hall from the room my parents shared when they went away for their anniversary. He told her things about my mother, details about her illness, how she is severely disabled, and how she is blind in one eye and can't even drive at night. The woman wrote that she had "found God" and was fed up with how she felt my father was treating my mother. She thought that everything he had said were lies, and felt it necessary to tell my mom about what was going on.

I have often felt that my mom was cheated out of a lot in her life. To me, she is an incredible person, because she has endured a great deal of pain and sadness, and she still lives on. Since before I was born, she has had a disease called ankylosing spondilitis. The disease slowly fusing the bones of the spine, and causes painful inflammation in the eye and joints throughout the body. I'm really not supposed to be here, as in my mom was probably too sick to carry a child, and had a narrow window to have one. But I am, and so is she. Most of my childhood, she was bedridden, and countless surgeries and the creation of new medicines have given her increased mobility, but she still has limited vision and trouble moving. Taken all of this into account, my father and she do not have even the normal sex life of a middle aged couple. I know now that she was smart enough to know that my father probably had women in his life other than her to fulfill these needs. In fact, she probably preferred he do so. People in my father's family often said that she, in her illness, held him back, but she did a lot for him. She worked in his first office, and has been a constant source of strength, practically, and support. In fact, for all the work that he does, I daresay in her own way, she has done just as much, if not more.

I can't say that I was surprised to hear about my dad's infidelity. I had suspected it as well. But I was just disappointed to see that he was so careless about it. My mother is very proud person, perhaps too much at times. So instead of any defect in my dad, what she felt the most was embarrassment. My dad had paraded this woman around family and friends, people that my mom converse with everyday. She was especially hurt to know that he brought this woman to the same hotel in which they stayed on their anniversary. I honestly don't know what to make of all of this. I know she feels embarrassed, and he feels ashamed. My dad has a lot of issues that he needs to work out for himself. All the men in the family have a history of having women on the side, and they have able-bodied wives. He has issues with drinking, and also seems to be very alone. In fact, he might be the loneliest person I know. I wish I had a closer relationship with him. I wish that my mom wasn't so proud in that we could have a closer relationship. I know that they are adults, I can't carry their burdens. They are the parent and I am the child. But sense I am an only child, sometimes, I feel so connected to their fate and their happiness. Idk …

There have been other things affect where I am at this point, but now I see that childhood is done. 21 years old. Young, yes, but not a kid. No more time for living in my world of dreams, where somebody to blame is always there, the man I love will just arise from thin air, and I can put off with dealing with my problems for the future. I have a lot to work on, and I don't know how all of it will play out. But I know that I have to get started, that I can't give up on me.

 

Mood: Reflective

Listening: Watching Benjamin Button

Random Quote: "You will have fun when you learn to stop expecting things from people," JG

Response: Oh, thanks.

I Cannot Tell A Lie From The Truth

MONEY&SEX and I have been hanging out the past week, movies and lunches and whatnot. No, we aren't dating or anything (according to him, he is seeing some ex-football player turned GA patrolman or whatever) but he likes to get out and do stuff, and he has a car so I don't have to drive all the time lol. We went to see Orphan and The Hangover this weekend, we also ate at Chinese Buddha, well I think that's the name, and also at the Flying Biscuit. I have gotten a crash course into the life of MONEY&SEX , his east coast upbringing, law school aspirations, and more poignantly, his VAST experience in casual sex encounters via the internet. He has deemed himself some kind of sexual guru, and regularly tells me (whether I ask for it or not) about who I should be doing, and wants to know every painstaking detail of my encounters. I was hesitant to trust MONEY&SEX because I have conflicted feelings toward him. I regret having done anything with him in the past, and he was a player in all the drama of last semester. But something about him, the self-serving way he refers to himself, his CONSTANTLY referring to me as short or little - those are just some of the many things he does that put me off. I know I have a long way to go in tolerating other people, but he really tests me.
I hooked up randomly with somebody at an "independent living facility" on the Southside. No, I wasn't with some 70 year old man looking to get his rocks off, but the 23 year old that works the front desk after hours. He was cute, he had braces, and had this adorable accent. I admit that living in Atlanta has made those accents grow on me. Anyway, so we met up at the front desk, he buzzes me in and we then proceed to one of the empty rooms. The room was cold, and set up like a hotel suite, it was nice. I laid on the bed, and he then goes to the bathroom and, well, prepared I assume. So he then gets naked, but I'm not paying attention to his body, which was GOOD, but his right hand. I see a plain gold ring on his finger. Oh. My. God. Seriously? It was good though. He gave me head, which was a first for me, and he did a great job as well lol. I tried bottoming again, but the same problem, pain, like almost immediately once he got close to penetration. He said "You act like you know what your doing down there" when I gave him head. So thanks, mr. nightwatchman

This morning I texted MONEY&SEX and asked if wanted to play tennis later. He said sure, then after he grilled me about my night at the "home." I hate talking about these things with people, and I gave as little detail as possible. Then, he tells me that he went on a date with my first, BIGGIERICH, to some theater in Henry County, and that BIGGIERICH ate him out in the theater, and that he's a bottom, and that he has a master's in the same field I am interested in. A lot of random details that I re BOLD FACE LIE. I immediately called BIGGIERICH, and he easily debunked MONEY&SEX's lie. I mean, did he not think it would be easy for me to find out the truth? Two possibilities: MONEY&SEX is either the worst liar known to man, or he wanted me to know he was lying and this is part of some subversive mind game. I don't have time for this. I can't barely keep the truth straight to myself, and now the people around me are spreading BS?

I wish my other peoples were here!!!


Mood: exhausted from HEAT
Listening: Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds
Random Quote: "He a lie" - BIGGIERICH
My Response: TRUE

Close Encounters of an Intimate Kind

I'm sitting here, watching Tiny and Toya, and I'm thinking: if these women can really get it together, why can't I (LOL)? I flew back into Atlanta from DC confused and exhausted. I was confused because I am entering my SENIOR year of college. I have to decide, and fairly quickly decide where I am going to end up next year. I have no idea even on what city I want to live in, what career I really want to see myself in, who I want to be in the next 5, 10 + years. It's scary. Since I there is no blueprint, no one steady or right path to take, but I don't want to take one that leads toward disappointment or regret. That much, I do know.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I have had opportunities to "hook up" with men in Atlanta. It's funny to think about how just 4 months ago, I turned my nose up at people that did the online sex thing, and here I am wading waist deep in the waters of BGClive and adam4adam. Is it right? I don't know. I have been with a thug, an intellectual, a mechanic, a teacher, and CDC number cruncher. These are all artificial, arbitrary labels, and none of them are all-encompassing. I met these guys for at the most 4 hours, and we didn't exactly have soul-searching discussions. I know that for me, sex is good. No, sex is great lol. Contact with a man, being touched and felt and kissed and more is an amazing experience, each time feels different, and surprises you. I also need intimate contact. I need you to look into my eyes, and kiss me passionately and feel down my back and across all of my limbs and protruding parts. I need you to take an active role with me, please don't sit back and lay there, and expect me to kiss and suck and ride while you barely do anything. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! I shouldn't have to tell you to do that!

I didn't have the opportunity to top, but I have bottomed (safely of course), and each time it was a painful experience, like really painful. The tops were rough, really rough. It's a trip to go to the bathroom half an hour after having anal sex and seeing BLOOD. That was scary, really scary. I don't know if I can only do it with someone that I really trust, or if I need to learn some special pelvic exercises or what. I kind of assumed that since I am short, it's expected that I'm supposed to bottom, and I assumed it was supposed to feel good, but, in the times I have done it, it has not. This is a superficial concern, but in the future I will be more aggressive in stating what I want and try to relax more. I don't think I will be patrolling these sites anymore. I'm the type of person that has an addictive person, and I could easily see myself setting these casual encounters on a near daily basis. That would be a pitiful state of being, and an unproductive (not to mention unsafe) means of personal development.

 

When I ask others about my concerns toward sex, I get the typical answers. MONEY&SEX says you just lay on your stomach and it doesn't hurt at all. All I can do there is roll my eyes, I'm not going there with him. I hate talking to him or SIXTYNINE about these types of things, because they always come off so smug and stuff. I get very sensitive whenever it comes to these issues about sex and relationships. The people I know always have the right answer, like I should do this or that, and if I don't I'm strange. MONEY&SEX told me that the fact that I have had such few partners is strange and I am at a detriment because I don't have more sex. The man that friends people on facebook just to see if they are potential hookups. Let me live the way I see fit.

I'm starting to come to a better definition on how I see sex and relationships through these causal encounters. More than ever, I see that I need to RELAX, be willing to open my mouth and talk to people, and stop expecting and comparing. Nobody is worried about me other than me. I can be envious of people all day, I can hope that every man I see will be some prince charming, but that doesn't do anything but set me up to be disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointment, awkward moments, all of the emotions that I subject myself to out of my own insecurities with myself in interacting with others.

It’s Been a Long Time Coming …

It's hard to be grateful. It's much easier for me to be mad. Right now, I'm trying to let it go of all the frustration, anger, discouragement - all the negative feelings that have consumed me for the past two days. Something I haven't quite mastered I guess.

For the past two weeks, I have made a new "Friend." I say because I don't quite know what we are to each other. In June, I was feeling really depressed and bored here, because I didn't know anybody, and the other interns in my program were not really doing it for me at the time. I came to start talking to MONEY&SEX on the phone. A LOT. I mean, I think I talked to him everyday for a while. He can be extremely arrogant and careless in his confidence on the phone – like I don't think he has every truly criticized himself. But anyway, one day we were talking and the conversation got to BGC. He was like "well, if you aren't getting any attention on there, let me 'work' on your account." I easily relented. So he changes around my about me section and most everything else. And but of course, I start getting messages from people. I hate that. Why do I do something and nobody responds at all, then he does it and the attention comes immediately? K

So he boils it down to two people on there. French and d16. French only seems to have a provocative crotch shot with his basketball shorts barely exposing his freshly cropped pubic hair. D16 looks to be a fem (well, at least more than I thought I could be attracted to) kid from the suburbs. With my permission, out of both envy and curiosity, I let him talk to the both of them under my guise. By the end of the night, he has set me up on a date for sex with French and a real date with d16. I was slightly scared at this point. I didn't know anything about French except that he was supposed to be a student at Trinity University, an African immigrant from France, and that he wanted me "between his legs"… So to the shock of MONEY&SEX, I traveled to the NE area of DC, right off Rhode Island, and hung out with this dude in his back bedroom. He was fairly big, but once he was finished he said "well, that was relaxing." And walked me back to the bus stop. I was really confused. I don't know if I was good or bad, and I don't know how I feel about it. I remember he looked very much unlike his pictures on bgc and his eyes looked like he was blazed out for days before that. I'm worried that I will continue to attract the same type of guy. But anyway I did it.

D16 and I have been dating on and off for a few weeks. We're both in demanding programs and don't get to see each other a lot. To me, he is sweet and everytime I think of him it makes me want to smile. He is a strict bottom and considerably more fem than I am, but I enjoy being around him, and he likes me for some strange reason. He can be a little ridiculous in public, I mean, one time we were riding on a crowded red line train and the boy started singing, LOUDLY. I was very embarrassed. We haven't had a lot of chances to be intimate, but through my own convoluted thinking, I brought him up to the office where we fooled around. There was no penetration, but I have a permanent scar on my knee due to rugburn … Another time, we got caught in the rain walking to the train. It was one of those moments that I will always remember, because for the first time I have been able to share that part of myself with someone and it feels great. I love it.

Mood: Alright

Listening: Nothing, I need some new music

Random Quote: "I miss u too" d16

Response: awwww

More Thoughts

I went on a run tonight to the Washington Monument. And now, I am beat. I thought I had been making gains in terms of losing weight and getting in shape, but I realize that it takes a lot of work when you have a history of being chubby. Running is … hard lol. And it's usually so easy for me to be psyched out about how it's going to feel, and insecure about having to stop halfway through the workout. I realize that there are many things that I want to do: get in good shape, be healthier, sustain better relationships, network and build new ones, and GET INTO A GOOD GRADUATE SCHOOL. In terms of the whole man thing … I don't know. I haven't exactly really been putting myself out there to meet people and seek out potential relationships. In my mind, I admit that I think I am a lot more attractive than I really am. Combining that warped self-image with my long-felt feelings of desperation and rejection, every man I see, gay or straight (or bi … K), that looks decent (and these days, in this city, that seems to be a lot) I get my hopes up. I look into their eyes with a sense of longing and interest that probably would get me jumped were I not in public. So, if they do notice, they return the favor with either a stare of unconcern, confusion, or total refusal. This just decimates my sense of self-esteem. I would love to be like everybody else. I have these "friends" that tell me all of these stories about people they have meet, and times with friends who do this and that. All I can think about is "I want that for myself. How do I get those attractive, flashy friends?"

I'm smart enough about myself to know that I am an intensely jealous, no envious person. The envy is the result of others throwing their insecurity or pride unto me, and I tend to take things at face value. Changing this disastrous way of thinking means changing a lot of the way I view the world. It's hard to remember not to take myself or anyone else too seriously. One of the things I struggle with all the time. How do I continue to maintain my sense of self, when all I see within myself are things that need to be fixed, tweaked, and repaired? That in itself is something I need to work on. Finding the good with myself, and also within others. When I walk around, carrying this cynical and discouraging view of people and life, it's no wonder I'm not getting what I want or need out of life. I am not calling it to myself.

Mood: Better

Listening: "Reflections" by Diana Ross and the Supremes

Random Quote: ExaminedLife, why do you have to be so cool?

Response: Enrique, why are you so damn sarcastic?