Musing on Things …

 

Drip, Drip, DRIP. Our faucet has been leaking all DAY, and it's driving me insane. Of course there is close to nothing I can do about it, just one of those things you have to let go. I have been in the "district" for about a week now, and it's been good. The dorms at GW are, well, they definitely leave something to the imagination. Our room was pretty dirty when we got here, but it's starting to feel normal. It's been so hot and humid in the fanless bathroom that my bath towels don't even dry at night. My roommates are all really nice guys, and I love that they aren't psychotic frats or players bringing girls in here every night. What I also enjoy are the walks to work in the morning. Something about a man in a suit, with a well groomed face, and a smug look of self-important. Yeah. Hot. Every morning there are at least 3 guys I see that make that walk in the morning sun worthwhile.

In my job today I thought I was making progress on research project. But after a few talks with my boss and my mentor, I am back to square ONE. It's very frustrating because I have to go back, retrace my whole though process, and come up with a new research question. Meanwhile, I can barely stay awake during our meetings, and I am trying to budget the lunch issue. I don't know how people afford lunch. Like 8 dollars for a sandwich/main items, not including a drink. Maybe I'm cheap, but that is a LOT to me lol. I'm confident that my project will work out, but in the meantime, I have to do quite a bit of leg work to catch up on things. I just wish I had a summer, or a month, where I had absolutely nothing to do or care about. Where I could just relax, and enjoy exploring a new place, with all the time I wanted to relax and just be. That would be paradise lol.

There was this FINE dude working at the Safeway bagging groceries. He had the best lips and that sleepy look in his eye, and developed muscles in his arms with the slightly bulging veins. Yeah, that tease … Knowing my luck he is probably straight . I tend to only find straight men attractive, especially when they are with a woman. I don't know what it is lol, but that is the truth. I am only attracted to men that are straight. I know it's definitely not a rare thing for a gay man to go through, but at the same time unproductive to my development right now. What is it about men that I know to be gay that I don't see as attractive? I think it is that something within them that I see in myself that I don't like. But there are always things in them, bascially gay expectations that I don't see in myself. There are definitely gay norms, and the black gay norms are perhaps even more conflicted. I'm not tall, I'm not athletic, I have a dreadfully average build, yeah. Not much in the looks department, but we all have to make a way, right? How do I attract what I want? How do I even know what I want? The issue is just trying to be more accepting, of my own shortcomings and those of others.

 

Mood: Cool

Listening: Actually watching that Television spin doctor Nancy Grace

Random Quote: Man, you're healthy, your in shape

Response: Oh EV, you are such a tease …

Busting Out?

I was talking to my friend JH on the phone. We were introduced by a mutual friend a while ago. Although I quickly found out (from him) that we are "irreconcilably incompatible," he has being a cool person for me to bounce ideas off of. He is so ready to come out to DC and visit, but I don't know where he would stay. I have three other roommates, and that would be an interesting situation to explain to them, especially since I am not out to them. In fact, the whole "out" status thing has been the subject of most of our conversations as of late. The biggest thing I'm worried about is how I actually do it, and how I navigate my relationships, especially with my roommates if they know this information. Do I have to hear them in hushed conversations talking about "sissies" and whatnot that would (hopefully) abruptly end as I enter the room? I don't know how to deal with all of that.

I don't know how to define myself as a gay men, because I'm still confused on a lot of things. What about being a black man? A man in general? An only child? I have so many different categories for myself, yet none fit me well, nor do I know have to wear any of them adequately. I don't know how to dress, I don't play basketball, I am very soft-spoken, I can be a loner. Does that make me bad or strange or just different, or just lik everybody else. I have spent much time worrying or deliberating on how to stay positive and just be myself. How many times have I written that? lol

Mood: good

Listening: Liar by Madcon    

Random Quote:

Response:

Quick Update

Went out to this place called Busboy's and Poets on U St., but it was so damn crowded we couldn't get in. The more time I spend in D.C., the more I like it here. Not nearly as many black people as in Atlanta, but you get all kinds here. It's not as segregated to be. There were lots of gays, blacks, whites, latinos, you can find a little of everything here. Even during the day walking to work, you see professions in suits and polos of every persuasion, there is an energy in the air that makes you pumped and feel connected. Of course, I have yet to meet anybody that could be a summer buddy for me, but I'm going to try to find somebody out here. Too many dudes out here for me not to at the very least make a friend. But knowing me, that's what would happen.

After walking around trying to find a place (half the group was under 21 grrr …), half of us just went to this Spanish type bar for drinks. I got this thing called a Metropolitan. Wow, could I be any more gay. Whatever it was, it had me pretty loose, like I didn't directly do anything stupid, but were it another group of people it would have been another story lol. Right now, it's like, I don't know if I should or should not tell people about me being gay. Sometimes, women have an expectation that you should be always trying to court them, especially when you go out. I don't know. I was ready to have fun, I know that lol. It didn't really happen last night though.

I'm still thinking about damn JG. I don't know why, but I am. I hate the idea of losing anything, especially a friend, with what few I do have. To be honestly, I never felt totally myself around him, and I think he only tolerated me because I reminded him of his ex boyfriend. It's tiring to be around people that only see you and pigeonhole you into one definition: the nerd. Even my close friends do this. I am immediately a nerd, meaning I can't dance, I have no swag, I'm not that cool. Damn I hate that. People might surprise you if you give them a chance, me included. JG did that shit all the time with his smart ass comments about me. I have sent too many unresponded texts and calls to not know that he basically just told me deuces lol. But damn if that sucks. We talked almost everyday since like October. The fact that he could just as easily cut that off says a lot I guess. Nobody said this was a friendly or happy life, but I don't want it to be a lonely one. So many other things going on, so why can't I get somebody that obvious doesn't give a care about me out of my mind. I guess I had a crush on that yellow mf. K

 

Mood: Ok

Listening: "Beggin'" by Madcon

Random Quote: Dude you got a Hangover - roommate

Response: Not from one drink, but I got my lil buzz going

Letting Go of the B.S.

Internalizing my emotions is a big problem for me. Sometimes, I get so angry, or sad, or at those RARE times happy, but it is all contained. Often, it's like the people that I thought I was close to are the ones that let me down. The feeling starts and grows in my head and takes over how I feel and my whole persona. Like, all of a sudden I have a weight put around my chest. Sometimes, it makes me want to holler out loud!

I asked my "friend" JG to take me to the airport tomorrow (well, later this morning), and perhaps spend some time with him this weekend. I asked him about this over a week in advance, twice, and both times I asked him if he had anything to do, and he said he didn't. I get home from the airport today, and he calls and says he will be there in an hour. Mind you, this is after I had walked down the terminal, taken the train, got through baggage, and I am at the curb. So I tell him I will take a cab to the townhouse, because I needed to change out my bags. I was online in Detroit for a week, while I will be in D.C. for two months. So I needed a lot more bags.

JG texted me and said maybe it would be easier if I had more time to pack and that he could come later. It was only going to take me a few minutes to repack and be ready to go. Then he tells me over the phone that he had a cookout and a dinner party to go to, and he needed to shower and get ready. So, my choices were for him to come get me now, or wait until after he was finished with all of his activities. I relented and just said ok I'll wait. So, every time I go to JG's house, he falls asleep. So I am just sitting in the living room twiddling my thumbs like, OKAY …. I later (10 pm) sent him a text and said that I would just take a cab in the morning and that he wouldn't have to come pick up me. And it starts.

So he says "Not everything can go your way. I told you I had other things to do. Why you throwing a tantrum." Then I responded that he had only told me today about his busy social calendar. And he then said, that I was rude and that I was bitching about nothing and all this stuff. I was infuriated. I literally had to shout out loud, and I am still mulling over the emotions of what happened. What I hate about in my dealings with JG is that he is infalliable and I am always wrong. I criticize him, I throw tantrums, I am bitchy, I am PMsing, and he just cruises through everything as Mr. Nice Guy.

I know now in reflection that he was going to do me a favor, so I just should have been patient and waited. But if he was so busy, why couldn't he have just told me that before and not tried to mask what he was doing. I understand that if anything is not beneficial to him, he does not prioritize it. Especially concerning me. That much I understand. But damn, you could at least maybe consider that I also matter, that I always don't need to be attacked by him. I feel like I can't depend on him for anything.

The further I go along, I feel like I can't seem to trust or let anyone into my life. Eventually, everyone either just makes me really angry or disappoints me. I know the theory that if you have a problem with everyone, they aren't the problem, it's you. The farther I go along with others, they seem to trust me less and less. With JG, there have been times where he invited me to go to the gym with him or out with his friends. And both times I either declined or he judged that I'm not a good person to do those things with.

I don't know, this sucks. I don't have anybody at this point that I can depend on, that sees me as a resource to be valued, nor do I have anybody I value in that respect. I guess I have to do that for myself first. It's so disheartening because I feel like the people I know don't have the time or energy to put up with me, and on the flipside, I push them further away. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment, and general malaise. I hate that I always feel like I am always having to apologize. What is my issue? That everything and everyone that takes importance in my life, I am in conflict with.

Mood: Grumpy

Listening: Get on up by Jodeci

Random Quote:

Response:

Same ol’ Same ol’ …

It's cold in Michigan. I'm mean, it's June and it's cold in this piece. I had to run back to the room today and turn on the heat. LOL. I have been spoiled by Los Angeles and Atlanta weather, both mild compared to the rest of the country. But today was an okay day. Full of lectures from professors, I mean, we sat in the same building for 10 hours today. I was nodding off by 2, I couldn't make it.

Since one of my goals is to learn to be sociable and attempt some of my social awkwardness, I "endured" this evening of going to a bar to drink beer. The program I am doing is full of environmentally minded people. The outdoorsy, hippie types that surf, and backpack, run 6 miles in the morning (my roommate), and travel to Kilimanjaro and East India to save the world. I know that these are exactly the type of people that I complain aren't at Morehouse. But to a degree, I just feel so dwarfed by them. I don't know. They see and do so much more than I do. What, I study and feel depressed and go to Atlantic Station. That's the sum of my life outside of class. I often don't feel very interesting or know what to see. In fact, I often just lie, because I don't have anything else to say.

This has been one of my greatest challenges. Just to go out with a group of my peers. It's just about the hardest thing for me to do. I wish it wasn't. This great negative anticipation I attach to these casual situations is RIDICULOUS. Yet I do it every time. It is so hard for me to just be natural, retain a positive outlook. Instead, those thoughts of self-doubt come in, and I feel myself being too quiet, stumbling over my words, laughing too loudly and insecurely. Like, I'm afraid people will see something they don't like, and all I see in them are things that I don't like.

I'm going to start meditating. I need to do something to start quieting my mind and setting things start. The reason I am so unsettled is that I never take the time to reflect back on this, and realize half the bullshit I feel I create and delude myself with. That's the hardest thing to realize. I know I don't have that animal magnetism and charisma that some people have. In fact, I am like a natural deterrent. There is a cute dude that is well spoken (check) and he went to Harvard (check), and he is so nice. I don't even know what to say or how to approach him. And it was probably wishful thinking on my part, but I swear I saw him smile at me during lunch. I could have fallen out then and there. Well, two days down, 6 to go. Please God, let him be GAY lol. Tell me I am not crushing on a str8 boy AGAIN. Damn if that doesn't happen every day.

Mood: chilly

Listening: Runnin' by Pharcyde

Random Quote: none

Response: Ok, let's fix this thing called catchingupat20 …

Back to LA

L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean catchingupat20; I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry; in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm going to take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way. I have a lot of things I want. Confidence, Social Skills, personal Style, Fitness, Relationships, Money, Health, the list goes on and on and on lol. But, I'm going to look at it one day at a time. And do what I can, without rushing or anticipating things and ruining the moment.

 

Mood: Good

Listening: Saudade Vem Correndo by Stan Getz

Random Quote: "All I remember about the dude was that he had Size 17 feet" – OLDGIRL, smiling

Response: *eyeroll* of course that's all YOU remember …

Just One of Them Days …

I'm here in the library, currently working on what I thought was a group project by myself, lol. I have my last final tomorrow, a presentation. And then I am done for the year. Thank you!!! I needed a break from people today. I don't feel like listening to others problems, and I damn sure don't want to talk about my own right now. I wish I had my own place, a little island somewhere or a nice patio, where I could just sit and lay my head back and just be. For the past few weeks, it seems like I can't turn around without stepping on anyone's toes or creating some sort of tension. I have always been a person that seems to carry a lot of tension. I walk fast and with heavy footsteps, and I think I miss a lot of things in rushing around from one project to the next. The main reason I rush is procrastination. Lately, I haven't felt much of an impetus to do anything, and I always seem to finish every project at the last minute and in an incomplete way.

Did I say I hate this library??? SO DAMN LOUD. Black people treat the library like the parking lot at Cascade. If wasn't short and under 150, I would go off on somebody in here.