Just One of Them Days …

I'm here in the library, currently working on what I thought was a group project by myself, lol. I have my last final tomorrow, a presentation. And then I am done for the year. Thank you!!! I needed a break from people today. I don't feel like listening to others problems, and I damn sure don't want to talk about my own right now. I wish I had my own place, a little island somewhere or a nice patio, where I could just sit and lay my head back and just be. For the past few weeks, it seems like I can't turn around without stepping on anyone's toes or creating some sort of tension. I have always been a person that seems to carry a lot of tension. I walk fast and with heavy footsteps, and I think I miss a lot of things in rushing around from one project to the next. The main reason I rush is procrastination. Lately, I haven't felt much of an impetus to do anything, and I always seem to finish every project at the last minute and in an incomplete way.

Did I say I hate this library??? SO DAMN LOUD. Black people treat the library like the parking lot at Cascade. If wasn't short and under 150, I would go off on somebody in here.

Little Boy or Grown Ass Man

I have a lot more growing up to do. It's funny to look back and think about the silly things that I have said and done in my life. I remember as a kid I let a friend borrow money from me, and pressured her so much to pay me back that she stole the money out of her mama's purse the next day lol. At an even younger age, I admitted to myself that I was a "child of the sun," and I would not only stare straight into the sun, but I also squinted. The perfect vision I inherited was lost forever. I also cheated on an essay in the 9^th grade. I told everybody in the 5^th grade that Crystal Jackson was a ho, that one of my 'good' friends was a faggot, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I strangely always seem to remember. I didn't think that I would get caught, but I did, and I found myself greatly humbled afterward. I tell lies, and I like to gossip. These are my vices (among others …). I realize know that they manifest often when I find myself at a loss or unwilling to talk about my own life. They can't be excused away, but the reason I tend to fall back on them time and time again, is because I rarely get caught. Today I did.

I have to introduce an interesting cast of characters: CHIPMUNK, CHOCOLATEDROP, MONEY&SEX, and the omnipresent SIXTYNINE. CHIPMUNK I contacted through honesty box on facebook (which I have deleted FOR GOOD as an application). Initially, I thought he was cute and I wanted to get to know him. We shared some messages, and he seemed interesting, so we planned to meet. I invited him to dinner, but I also brought SIXTYNINE along for protection. I, in my own naivety and insecurity, did not realize that he, CHIPMUNK, intended this to be a date. So, as I had gotten to know CHIPMUNK more and more, I began to see the similarities between him and myself. We even went out on another outing that I did not know was a "date" but he considered it to be. Over the past two months, I pretty much haven't spent a weekend away from him. I have come to learn a lot about CHIPMUNK, and I judged him not to be someone that I would pursue romantically. Not only does he seem to carry a deeper degree of depression than myself, but he also has a lot of strange quirks and ways about him that I just couldn't see myself relating to. And I made mistake number 1. I judged CHIPMUNK to be lesser than myself and not worthy of my affection.

CHOCOLATEDROP is CHIPMUNK's best friend, and they share an extremely, extremely close friendship. And also very physical. VERY PHYSICAL. Anyway, I first met him, on one of their weekly jaunts into Piedmont Park. At first, he seemed like the usual, DL, Morehouse, Christian mindless, hypocritical moralist. He claimed that he was a virgin, and seeing as how I met him at Piedmont Park after dark, I had my doubts. I quickly judged him in the negative, because he seemed like a self-important airhead, and talked endlessly about him and the boys that propositioned him on honesty box. I thought he was too effeminate and dramatic for my taste. But CHOCOLATEDROPhas a quality about him, and the more I spent time with him, the more I began to really see him and become attracted to him. I started to love his voice, his smooth, dark skin, his always perfect goatee, and air of confidence and charm. We also shared a brief, but perfect kiss that left him notably disappointed, but left me wanting more. He seemed to be in such high demand, that I did not pursue simply because I didn't have the will to compete for his affection. But herein lays mistake number 2. I hid my feelings about CHOCOLATEDROP, and disrespected him.

MONEY&SEX was originally SIXTYNINE's jump-off. But for some reason, I decided to violate the rule. The rule is that I do not, EVER, hook up nor do anything more with anybody SIXTYNINE has "touched." But I broke the rule with MONEY&SEX, and I don't even know why. I am not particularly attracted to him, or like him even as a friend. But I did, I hooked up with him, and I gave him all of me, including my virginity. I kind of regret that. I haven't been saving myself under any religious or romantic ideal, but at the same time, I imagined it would carry a lot more significance than it did. And I am disappointed in myself in that it didn't mean that much … I don't know. Although I'd like to think of him in a cursory capacity, he does play an important role in what happened this weekend. But what I can't stand about him is that he CONSTANTLY contacts you. I think I received no less than 20 text messages from this guy in a day (and I had responded to less than half). MONEY&SEX expects you to devote so much time and energy to him, yet he didn't want a relationship. In fact, he told me he wanted something between friendship and an official relationship. What the hell is that? But after two romps with him, I think that I am just about through.

I wanted to feel out MONEY&SEX and see where his head was. He had been constantly texting and sending messages online, that I had come to inventing a few lies just to avoid him. Again, he had caught me on face book chat, and was trying to get me to come to his place. I thought I might stave him off by saying that I was somebody else, and I picked CHOCOLATEDROP, because I could say that he was using my laptop (he doesn't have one), and that I had left my facebook logged in. So, what began as a simple deception ended up with horny MONEY&SEX trying to get CHOCOLATEDROP in his room. He quickly asked to be friends, then quickly friended CHOCOLATEDROP. Somehow, MONEY&SEX managed to get the boy in his room, within the hour, and strangely sent me a text of CHOCOLATEDROP on his bed. I immediately became worried. I felt like I had fated them to end up together, with myself another. No, I didn't think CHOCOLATEDROP was cheap, but I always assume the worst to happen, and I somehow that they might end up as a couple from this chance meeting. MONEY&SEX manages to tell CHOCOLATEDROP many things that I had confided in him with, things about the both of them, and certain sexual activities that had been happening in the past week.

All of these activities and secrets and gossip and revelations that I have seeded, prolonged, revealed and concealed have come full circle and hit me smack dab in my face. I have one friend that accused me of having low moral character and not worthy of his trust. Another that considers me TRASH, and beneath him, another that tried to defend me although he knows I messed all up, and yet another "friend" still calling me about coming OVER TO HIS PLACE. This is my fault. I can't evade that, it did most of this, and without a doubt, I deserve the blame if the situation calls for it. But, I'm interested to see that one of my goals for the year was accomplished. I wanted an intense social experience. And these collective happenings definitely have been, not nearly in the way I would have liked. I have a lot of growing up to do, especially if I want to be somebody that is in the jump-off/booty call/friend with benefits/whatever network. It implies a certain level of discretion and nonchalance about sex that I honestly don't share. I know now that I'm not cut out for all of that, definitely not at this point. I call myself a grown ass man, but I then create situations like this. I create these situations because I am often so afraid of telling people what I really think, and to protect myself from having to. And I end up doubly experiencing the emotions I try to avoid.

Maturity is learned. And so are humility, veracity, and courage. Not courage in any grand sense, but just enough to face the things, the people that you have wronged. Enough to face yourself, and your faults. I still can't really do it. I had to leave the room when confronted about what I had said. I just felt so small, so young. Like the same little boy that I was at Parent Elementary, not the 21, soon-to-be senior at Morehouse. Gosh, where is my head lately?

Mood: Greatly Humbled

Listening: "Another Day" by 4hero

Random Quote: My mother always told me that if you get down with trash, you have to brush it off in order to remain clean (or something) - CHOCOLATEDROP

Response: Wow, really, I am trash now Lady Macbeth?

It’s a Thin Line …

I moved all my stuff out of my dormroom to my cousin's house. I know it's early, but I wanted to get it done earlier. Actually, I can't actually say I'm done, I still have a bunch of clothes and a few things left over in there. Every year I do this, I'm amazed at the amount of stuff I have, especially the amount of clothes. I end up giving or throwing away a lot the stuff. And living on the third floor, it's no easy task to haul all that stuff up and down the stairs lol.

SIXTYNINE was there to help. Carried most of the stuff and helped me unpack at my cousin's house. She had her usual jump-off at the house, so we went upstairs to give them their privacy. So SIXTYNINE and I were just laying the on bed, both on laptops and talking about whatever. And for a brief moment we shared a bit of intimacy that I was unsure about, but I let it happen away. For the past month, my definition of what I think of as friend has gone from concrete to very vague. Apparently for most of my friends, sex and intimacy are not equal; so SIXTYNINE can do everything with another friend and it just means nothing. We are all supposed to forget about it, and move on. Even if I liked the person, or if that person is emotionally unstable, or whatever. It's very confusing, and I can't say I'm comfortable with the fact that every person that I know has had some form of sexual contact with him. Hell, I even experienced him perform an act on somebody else! So, where is the line drawn? I don't what a bunch of friends with benefits, where we share each other and debate and discuss each other's sexual exploits in private. I have to have clearer boundaries in my life. I'm not saying that I wouldn't let a future relationship develop from a current friend, but I would prefer not to follow-up on people that all of my friends have already "had." Yuck.

So, I as lay on my bed, next to somebody more than twice my size, the only combination in our growing set that hasn't hooked up, I can only wonder what he is thinking or expecting. I need friends, and I would like a boyfriend. What I don't need is a bunch of in-betweens. Call me crazy or a prud, but I don't want to share sexual favors with friends. SIXTYNINE is a great friend, dare I say my best friend. I don't want that to be turned into something that would become uncomfortable and unclear. I don't care if the rest of the world is crazy, I assume friends are there to be your sense of security. Again this all points back to my need to branch out and meet more people. Sometimes, I wish I could just skip the b.s. and know whether or not this person is a friend, or a potential bf or whatever. It would makes things a lot easier, but a lot less interesting. I'm did not, nor will I do anything with SIXTYNINE or any of my current friends. New people are another story, but that's only when the both of us are sure and certain on what we want from each other. I'm never sure on where I should draw the line.

Mood: Cool

Listening: "Sober" by Pink

Random Quote: "This is nice, us sitting here. I feel like I could do this as the real thing."

Response: yeah, yeah … just no funny business …

 

Won’t Cost a Penny for These Thoughts …

In less than a week, I will be at home. Away from Atlanta, and classes (THANK YOU!), and the townhouse, and my roommate/cousin, and this life I have fallen into here. Indeed, my friend says that I have a life now, I have business. I don't know exactly what that means. What I have had is a strange level of intimacy with two people I wasn't particularly attracted to, but they seemed to be more in the moment than I was. I have had a serious personal feud with a sophomore, and we still haven't quite reconciled that discussion. I shared a brief, but wonderful kiss with somebody that I never expected to be attracted to, but is more arrested in his development than I could ever be.

I think that I am becoming somewhat more confident in terms of being social, but I still have a long way to go. There is this annoying quality within me that arises constantly: the need to be great. No matter what I do, I feel that I should be the best at it. I felt more than a twinge of jealousy at a freshman I know from LA that was featured in the newspaper's Men of the Year issue. I don't know what. I have never been a part of that group, nor have I done what it takes to be a member. Those people that walk across that campus as if they were God's anointed. They freely dole out those masculine greetings of fist bumps and head nops. They chat with the school president and administrators as naturally as anybody else. Comparing yourself to others is a big problem for me. I could look at anyone else, and see them as having that greener grass than my side of the fence.

I know the work that I have to do as a person. I have to speak up and be heard. I have to strive to meet more people. I have to be assertive and aggressive. My prince ain't coming, I have to be my own prince before I can find another. I mean, I'm 21 years old. I'm still going through some of the b.s. that should have been left in elementary school. I can remember my last day of the 5^th grade. A lot of people in my classes often changed schools after this year, and I remember Artel Smith cried because his friend Ben was leaving the school. In fact, they both cried. Then I ran home and cried in my mother's lap because I knew nobody at that school would cry over me. Perhaps, the better question was why I didn't cry over them, but about them.

I have to write in this damn blog everyday as I had promised myself and let go of all the emotional drama I have been going through the past month.

 

Mood: Bothered

Listening: "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell (Love it!)

Random Quote: "I am going to make you fall in love with me by the end of the year …"

Response: *chuckle* Now, that would be surprising …

Stop and Smell the Roses

This is the hectic part of the semester. Although the weather is warming up, the projects are building up. I have literally so many big things to do that it's doubtful if I can make all of my obligations. Here's a sample of what I have to for this week.

Sociology: First Draft of a 10 page paper

Environmental Law: Write a policy brief on climate change, as well as a presentation on a 56 page case

Speech: a well thought out paper and Persuasive speech

Money and Banking: study to make up for the last two tests

Macroeconomics: Continue to study

City of Atlanta: Just random projects, but it takes a cool 20 minutes to get there

Public Service Institute: Real Estate Development project

Summer Program: Complete the summary of my research outline for the 8 week program

Urban Studies Club: Try to have 3 events in the next WEEK so that we aren't put on probation next year

STUDYING FOR THE GRE AND LSAT (Which I haven't done AT ALL!!!!!!!!!)

Ok, this is just the academic tip, and doesn't account for all the personal and professional things that I would like to do. I need to work out, I need to get to know more of my poli sci teachers for recommendations, I have so many damn things to do it's literally the monkey on my back. I have slacked off for most of semester, and now everything has come to a head. PRIVATEPLAN recommended to me that I take a step back, and stop so hard on myself. Live day by day. It's difficult. Sometimes all I want to do is take a long walk through the park, and relax. Look at the trees, take a deep breath, and become totally aware of everything outside of me. Just sit and be. That idea to me would be HEAVEN.

Mood: Actually, good

Listening: "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro

Random Quote: When you file your taxes remember not to list yourself as a dependent.

Response: ummm … what??

3 Dreams in One

K, so I had a dream that was weird as hell last night. I dreamed that I was at this studio, with Essence Atkins (the sister from Smart Guy). So she was a teacher, and there was a classroom set. But it was like she was a real teacher. First her students are in the classroom, and they are happy because she sent out the bad seeds . Then, for some reason, the kids are gone and essence is with adults. She got a big promotion to work in New York, and the other crew on set are happy for her. But all of a sudden, some thuggish mob guys come in, and decide they have to rape her, because they already raped her sister. They do it, and then she tells her sister, "well, you know I have to do everything you do."

Then, my dad and I were in a car, and these guys were shooting each other on the street. I was in the driver's seat and dad was in the passenger seat. One of them comes up to his window, and I'm like dad get down. I pull him down and I am over him. The guy is pointing the gun into the car like he is really going to shoot. And I'm just thinking, "man, please don't shoot him, don't shoot my dad."

Then, for some reason, I developed a gap between my two front teeth, and lost one tooth on the side, and another loose one, I stopped pretending and just pulled it out. I remember the pain from pulling it out and tasting the bloody stub from where it was. I sent my dad a text about this or something, and took back my earlier promise to never let him look in my mouth. He said "well, thanks much appreciated." I was nervous and angry that I had lost these teeth, because I had always prided myself on them. I went to see some random female dentist, thinking that I had to get all these root canals and false teeth. She was like "You have been eating too much candy, and now you suffer the consequences" or something like that. So I was then looking at myself in the mirror thinking, "DAMN. Ok, so now I have to live with this??"

This was like three mini dreams all rolled into one. I have so much random stuff going through my head, I don't even know where to start in terms of analysis. Just thought I would add that lil' bit of info for ya.

 

Mood: On the way to being awake    

Listening: Looking Through the Eye of a Pig

Random Quote: From dream "Losing teeth is a sign of lost wisdom."

Response: Oh shit …

Spinning out of Control

I have been fighting a battle. I have been armed and on the move, with stealth strategy, the most advanced weapons, and plenty of infantry. My enemy seems to be in retreat, but his weakness only makes me press harder. The enemy is me. I don’t know how I got here, but I have morphed into this emotionless being. Someone that doesn’t respond to or acknowledge anything or anyone. I can’t even muster up the initiative to walk down the hill from the dorm, in the fear that people are judging me. That fear, that paralyzing sense of rejection and hurt. I hide from everyone and push them any because of it. In reality, nobody has ever been close enough to me to actually reject me. It’s a crisis period now, because I am a junior in college. I can count on my HAND the number of people here that I might talk to when I get older. This is my challenge. To see myself as valuable. To see others as valuable. To engage with others confidently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want my clothes to fit me and perfectly accentuate my own personality and style. I want to have strong and lasting friendships. I want to be perceived as fun, accessible and worthy. I want to be a greater catchingupat20.

I went to the California Club meeting after classes today, and it was weird to be with those people again. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of animosity toward black people from my home state and especially my home city. Since I am “new” to the club, I had to stand up and introduce myself. Ok, now I thought I was improving here. I mean, I thought that I had learned how to confidently interact with my peers. But, I was wrong. The worst part is when I said my high school, I said “Brentwood School.” Apparently saying school was just too damn affected and ‘proper,’ because the perennially cool DJ/hipster asshole Kevin ‘Era’ Cox thought it was funny. Granted, I don’t truthfully know why he laughed, but damn, why does somebody always have to get a laugh at my expense. What is the deal with that? The meeting was alright, I mean, I met one person, but it was nothing big. This girl Brittany that goes to Chapman in Orange County. Another girl from home I know was there, as well as the Senator twins.

Renita had come to my meeting at the Leadership building today, and of course she blew them away. She is hands down one of the most intelligent people that I have ever seen. She can go anywhere and talk about anything with such an ease and confidence. She also knows how to work people, and work around them to get her point across. I’m proud to be related to her, but at the same time, I see the more tragic parts of her life. She didn’t get to finish college, has worked at a demanding and thankless job for years, and carried the burden of caring for her aging parents. She is a selfless person, and I admire that about her. But it makes me sad to know that she is not being utilized as the amazing resource of knowledge and positive energy that she is. Maybe that is something I can learn from her as well. I wish I had a bit of the charisma that she has effortlessly.

I feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault that people don’t respond to me. It’s my fault that I have never been a relationship. It’s my fault that I can never truly get close to people. It’s my fault that I feel like an alien to my campus. Ok, so my taking responsibility for that since I am grown man (as my mom so unkindly reminded me on the phone). So what do I do? Where do I start. My style, my confidence level, my organization and time management, my familial relationships, my friendships, my physcial health. It’s daunting to think of it all, and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I think it’s about changing how I think and feel about myself. Ok, that is difficult, and I haven’t given it enough of a try. But perhaps now I will.

Mood: Unsettled
Listening: Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie
Random Quote: catchingupat20, you tried to hide, but you have to do it too.
My Response: I hate intros ...