The dream that was 2015

I dreamed in 2015. No, not that aspirational glide toward lofty heights and shiny "New Year, New Me" goals, but just floated through. I did a few rideshare rides (less than I let everybody think I do), I got stuck in my car going up an icy incline on Valentine's Day. I worked, or at least appeared to do so. I visited my family several times. I went on a few dates, but ultimately they did not amount to much.

This year felt like a haze, because I blocked myself. It's so easy not to try to do anything, to let things pile up, to make grand promises to yourself and others without delivering, to retreat. Then to see your peers go off and do great things, the endless scroll of self-congratulations via *insert social media platform*. I stopped knowing myself, and I didn't take the time to get reacquainted.

I had a vision coming out of grad school. I took a course in international housing markets and i loved it. It made me want to travel to Africa and get involved in the work going on down there, but that idea has stayed in the back of my mind for almost four years. I have barely budged on it. My inertia rests in the idea that it will be impossible for me to achieve anything through it. I know this is logically not true, but in my heart, that's what I believe.

I can't stay focused and its much more comfortable for me to sit and complain rather than actually take action and build toward things that may not come. That's the headspace I have sat in this year and much of the year prior. Career stalled, love life stalled, personal care stalled. I have become ok with being immobile. That has to end.

We all have our one story. Mine has been complicated. Much of my life, I have see it through a negative lens, my glasses were dirt-stained and not rose-colored. I have spent much of my adolescence and 20s brooding. I was am "woe-is-me", anything bad that happened was expected but still bemoaned, anything good was random and undeserved. I can't tell where or how this line of thinking became the norm, but it did. It wore deep into my psyche, like the well worn path of a river through a canyon. Not loving myself became comfortable. Constantly comparing myself to the stereotypes of what I should be toward the black community and the gay community. I wasn't tall enough, I wasn't light enough, I wasn't man enough. My own personal shortcomings translated into my professional life. I became burnt out, opportunities may have been available, but I wasn't open to them. I was no longer progressing into something or someone better. I became static.

I can read through my past blog entries and all I can think is how much I really beat myself down. Years, I wasted so much energy wallowing in negativity, expecting the worse, not loving or accepting who I was and not attempting to put in the work to change. That has to end. I know that I'm ready to start doing more things. Despite my current terrible job and low pay, I got a decent education and something inside me tells me I can do more, be better. I don't know if its my ego, or something destructive, but I have always felt that I was meant to do something big with my life. Like, everything that I had experiences would lead to something. Nothing about who I see myself as should be mediocre.

I can't rewrite the story. Shit happened in the past. I missed out on things and people. I was lonely. I was sad. But I also made good friends. I had some brief, but nice romantic entanglements (tried to phrase this as well as possible lol) I can revise how I looked at the past. I can stop remembering only the bad parts, but the good parts as well. I can look and examine the sources of my anguish, much of which is self-inflicting, and I can work to let it go. I can put more faith in myself, believe that things will work out the way that they should. I won't operate on the assumption that they will not. I can accept who I am, but also work to build up the parts of myself that could stand to be better.

Lean, Mean 2013

Lean, Mean for 2013

The obligatory new year's resolution post. It's a bit late ( OR REALLY LATE), but I was shuffling through deciding what I wanted to focus on this year. I mean, not even four months ago, I couldn't have told you where I would be at this point. I moved to a new city, started a new job. And I'm just beginning to confront many of the pressing challenges that have held a grip on my subconscious. I have many fears, things that creep through the back of my mind about the future. I have to hide behind glassy smiles and congratulatory eyes as friends tell me of jobs in London, acceptances to PhD programs, getting married, having babies - basically life is happening. I'm ready to see some changes in my own life. My proposals are for a lean and mean 2013. Ignoring the corny rhyme, this year has to see some things CHANGE for me. Years of hitting a wall in my social interactions, being trapped in my own thoughts and neurosis have not worked. Its going to be slow and difficult, but its time to dig out of this pit, so that I don't lose that which I have the most of at the moment: Time.

Here are 8 things I plan to focus on for this year. It might seem like a lot, but many are interrelated and will definitely help me focus from how my mind usually thinks through things.

1. Create a 5-year plan

I have so many ideas of what I can be doing with my life, made so many lists, brainstorming sheets, etc. It's time to set an action plan and take the leap of faith to make it happen.

2. Face the things that I fear/hate

The list of things that I have had an emotional response is staggering. Things that have plagued me since I was a child on the playground. It's time to own up, and realize they are not bigger than who I am or what I can be.

3. Cultivate old hobbies: writing, tennis, photography, drawing

I used to be pretty decent at all of these. Exploring these interests is a good way to reconnect back to the positive aspects of what I used to be.

5. Continue to grow, learn and expand in my field

Part of mastering your career means acting like a lifelong student. Reading articles, taking classes, presenting and lecturing on it, discussing it with colleagues, tackling challenging issues/questions within it -  these are what make you grow

6. Enhance my level of fitness: through diet and physical exercise

I have struggled with this for years. My relationship with food and my body always wavers between the initial excitement of a new routine and lost interest. Setting up a better plan to educate myself on recipes, exercise techniques is essential.

7. Network

I suck at this. It's painful, awkward, and scary for me. But if I want to be in a better position, if I want to grow, meet more interesting people, I have to do it.

8. DATE

Coffee, dinner, movie, museum, skating, plus more unconventional date ideas I haven't realized yet. This is what people do, right? lol Well, its what I want to do.

9. Learn 2 new languages

Spanish and French. Those are what I would like to focus on. Expand my realm of communication! Date a sexy Frenchman or Cubano! We we! Si si!

10. Develop my spiritual side

I have values, and a moral system. But I have struggled with finding a faith system that fits into how I have come to view the world. I want to explore different faiths, including the ones I have resisted for so long.

11. Foster stronger relationships with friends and acquaintances

I've been bad with forging and maintaining connections with people in the past. I tend to take a "me against the world" mindset, and await the moment when people's nefarious intentions reveal themselves. This is perhaps one of my greatest challenges

12. Have fun

Laughing, acting silly, smiling with reckless abandon. I have to find ways to increase the fun in my life and share that with others around me.

13. Write daily

Take time to reflect. Not stare at a screen (be it a cell phone, TV, or iPad) but actually sit down, put pen to place and be honest about how I feel.

My Mr. Right List

I'm 23 years old. 23. Twenty Three. Meaning I am reaching middle age in gay years. LOL

I haven't been in a relationship. I haven't kissed somebody and felt butterflies. I've never held someone's hand and felt that warmth and energy tinge between our hands. I try not to, but I often begrudge my friends for the lurid stories of relationships, breakups, makeups and romantic getaways they have. I can't relate to their experiences. Of the sustained "relationships" I have had in my life, all ended badly or  on rocky terms. None lasted longer than 2 months.

In analyzing the why and how of my lackluster romantic life, I've talked to many close friends about the situation. They care and they've told me those platitides and polite answers that friends are supposed to say to spare your feelings " Your cute, your smart, your time will come, blah blah." The answers are appreciated and pique my confidence for a moment, but I know that I need more unbiased, biting critique into what I'm doing wrong. I am asking myself the questions about who I see myself as, and what qualities I want in my partner. I often have heard and seen the quote. That you can't wait for Mr. Right, you have to BE him first. So what qualities do I most want?

1. Intelligence

Lance Freeman, Associate Professor at Columbia's Graduate School of Architecture, Planning and Preservation, leading expert on gentrification

My Mr. Right will be smart, hopefully smarter than me. I don't mean to say that in a way that suggests I figure myself a genius. I don't. I have been humbled more than enough times to realize that. But I want somebody who challenges themselves and the people around them on an intellectual level. I want him hungry to know more about the world around him, think critically and have a unique and thoughtful opinion.

2. Handsome

Laz Alonzo, Actor (Jumping the Broom, Miracle at St. Anna)

Ok, I'll be real with you. Attraction is necessary. Having somebody who is somewhat easy on the eyes is important to me. I don't need a model or a Laz, but somebody with a striking face or a quality about him that makes him noticeable in a crowd is important. I want him to be somebody that I would be proud to walk into any room hand in hand, be it my parents living room, a gala function, or the neighborhood dive bar.

3. Quirky

Donald Glover, Comedian and Music Artist

He has to have some quirk. I like weirdness, it makes things interesting and sets you apart from the crowd. I don't need anybody who is the kind of weird that would have them on a show on TLC or anything, but enough that you have a different taste in music, or you have a slightly different style of dress. Maybe you enjoy watching Indian films, or are an experienced tap dancer, anything that is an unusual interest/quality that is an indelible part of what makes you you. A quirky man that owns his weirdness in a way that makes him fresh and unique.

4. Conscientious

Van Jones, Founder of Green-4-All and former White House Advisor

There are so many issues and concerns in the world, and I can't imagine myself with somebody that does not care about something beyond themselves and their family. I think a man that has great concern for his community over issues that extend far beyond his personal view is a very appealing quality, and proves he has heart.

5. Spiritual

Michael Beckwith, Pastor and New Age Spiritual Leader

Like India.Arie sings in "Ready to Love," I want a man who respects the spirit world. He doesn't need to be a Christian, but he should have values and core beliefs in a power greater than himself to guide him through his daily life. If he is a member of an established religion, I want him to be able to critically consider his faith, and be able to discuss it openly and freely with those that may not agree or find fault with it.

6. Passion

Lenny Kravitz, Musician and all around sexy MF

You gotta' have that extra something. In your eyes, or your smile. Your walk, or your words. Something in you should reveal an underlying energy and zest for life. I use passion here in a less obvious way (no I don't mean 'swag') This passion might reveal itself through your daily activities, your social life, your extra-curricular, or just in conversation at home. Some part of your life should have a burning light that shows the world just how alive and awake you are to it.

This list is far from perfect, but just a few things that I would notice and find appealing in a man, my Mr. Right. Some of them overlap, and some are less tangible than others. But I'll be able to recognize them when I meet him, that proverbial him. But, as I mentioned before, if I want these things, I have to BE these things.

Welcome to the Terrordome

That is one of my all-time favorite hip-hop songs. It's packed with energy, aggression and power and speaks to something deep within myself that rarely shows it's head in public. Gems like " dropping a bomb, brain game, intellectual Vietnam", "Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamp" and "It's weak to speak and blame somebody else when you destroy yourself" are like candy to my ears. The Terrordome to be conjures up a place of fear and isolation that exists in your own head. In this place you are in a mental prison, where resources are scarce and nothing is sacred or familiar. I often look out of my overpriced graduate housing window and imagine that I am in a terrordome. Often I don't even have the pluck to go downstairs and get something to eat, out of fear and laziness. I can think of no shelters, no safe places in Philly for me.

What is a safe space? For me it's a place where I can go and just be. Not feel like I am lurking there or that I can't stop for a minute to take a breath. In Atlanta, I had the townhouse, apartments of friends, my favorite restaurants, even parts of Morehouse were comfortable for me. Here, not so much. Is it my fault? Yeah, I must admit that. Again those coarse, ugly human frailties got me again. I have a lot to do. And blog, I know you know that. I always have a lot to do. What's different now is that I am the catalyst for where and how my life goes at this point. No college, no parents to answer to. I have to make decisions about what I value, how much work I want to put it, where I want to work, where I want to live --- and that is scary. It should be empowering, right? I mean, at this point I should be moving into a wider circle of friends, experience and knowledge to be able to rock through the rest of my twenties and solidify the person that I want to be.

I have a habit of perceiving the environment I am in as hostile. No matter how or what situation I find myself, I end up slightly hating the people around me, and believing the universe is conspiring against me, to thwart me so that I end up in some dire state. I'm so kind to myself, right? I do it because it's an easy way for me to rationalize why I feel I was slighted by fate. I could go on about the many things I see lacking in myself, the good things are not plain to me. But my perspective, my negative one, so colors how I experience the world, and I'm tired of wearing these glasses of blue (sorrow), black (despair), yellow (anxiety/irritation), and red (anger). I probably wear the black and yellow shades the most (Wiz!), and it gets tiring. Sometimes it's enough to make me want to break down and cry, which I did a few days ago.

I'm working through a transformation on how I see myself, the world, and my place within it. Although I am world's happier and more fulfilled than when I first started blogging, I have a long way to go. There are so many things I want to do and experience. I want to fall in love, I want people around me that rely on me and vice versa, great career, a nice home, travel abroad, etc … Things I want so badly for myself but I recognize won't come about if I don't get my act together. I can keep living in a fog to avoid these choices and decisions I have to make about my life. They are challenging, scary, but real. The longer I put them off means the longer I keep myself from growing into the person I am meant to be.

Ok, time to get back to work, but I will be musing more on this, as I prepare for my first appointment with a therapist here. Funny the appointment was made over a month ago, that's how "busy" they are here.

 

I went to the rumbar event tonight. It's hosted by one of Philadelphia's few black gay socialites. And he's a nice enough guy. Always friendly and sociable. A good mix of people attend and it turned into a friendly, lively atmosphere.

I just wanted to leave. I had dressed up in my new clothes, but still had the same attitude. By 11 I was ready to go. I do t know how to crack that code of meeting people and getting to know then. Frankly drumming up and continuing conversation gets old. People love to talk about themselves, I get that. But sometimes I get tired of asking questions and fishing for ways to keep the conversation going.

I just wish I had somebody around for me, that was interested in me and saw something special and interesting in me. I know you have to do that for yourself, but I find myself hating the fact that nobody else seems to care. I think about how I don't have a support system here, and how I'm failing at the basic stuff.

It's selfish and lazy, but i just wish I didn't have to jump these hurdles. My personality and disposition never lend me any kind of social grace or charisma. People just see right through me. It's an uphill battle with everything in my life and it doesn't get easier. I'm just so tired of it all. Sick and tired. Where's my rainbow? When do I get my place in the sun? When do I have people around me that I love that love me back?

Well, my mind is a jumble right now, a lot going on. But I feel like I am finally getting my shit together. I feel energy and good things coming and I don't want to misstep.

Hopefully I'll keep a promise to myself and write something everyday. Since I love to get lost in my own dream world maybe this will be a good way to stay grounded

Feel

I broke up with DREX. He asked me if I really wanted to be in a relationship with him. Was my uncertainty that obvious! *sigh* he deserves more than i can give at this point. I don't know if I'm capable of connecting with anybody ... So lost in my own head and disconnected from life. I hope soon I will find somebody and feel passion and emotion toward them. But I won't be able to do that until I like myself.

DREX I'm sorry I led you on the way I did, and I wish you well. With your energy and personality I'm sure you will find what you are looking for.

Meanwhile, I learn the hard lesson of not knowing myself or being confident in myself ... I'm scared for the future. I always push people away from me out of fear and misunderstanding. I do need to be in a relationship, but I think DREX was better emotionally equipped and self confidence enough to carry through with it. I am still wading through the same immaturity and fears. This is hard.

I hope, before it's too late. I find somebody whom I can love and feel emotional toward without fear ... Or of it will ever happen

Dour thoughts, but I'm just musing in my head why I keep messing up.

Renew

I'm in a relationship with somebody. A sweet guy that I'm going to call here DREX. DREX and I met at a random event on campus, and I have to admit, he is younger. MUCH younger. DREX is a freshman at a nearby school. He goes to the fratboy and house parties, he does hookah bars with friends, he's still learning about college and what he wants to do with his life. We kind of fell into this "thing" together, but I don't know where it's going or what it's expected. Problem number 1: Little Communication. DREX and I have a lot of sex. A LOT. It's mostly a sexual relationship, and this is strange but I'm ok with that right now (Yes, I know). I'm so busy with school and getting my career networking jumping off and based on past experience, or lack thereof, that my expectations of finding anybody nice were gone. I didn't expect to meet anybody really. I like him. And he likes me. He's not crazy, has a good head on his shoulders (engineering major and in ROTC) and he actually enjoys spending time with me.

The issue I'm grappling from yesterday is how to reconcile being a good guy. I have been messing up with school, there is something in me that seems to want me to fail. It's scary and depressing but I have yet to get the mind over matter to deal with it. I will spend hours listening to music to escape the sinking feeling that comes when I think about it, just to numb myself. I love this field, I had dreamed and prayed to get into a great graduate program. By the grace of God and good luck I did. But now, I'm continually shirking off work, fading into the background in class discussion, and find myself running away so that I do not have to deal with my own small failures. I have let in the same demons and negativity hinder my progress like they did at Morehouse. How did I come to such a pass? Oh, the warning signs were there. Shirk a project here, avoid a reading there, eventually it builds into an inertia of being unproductive, then panicking at the 11^th hour to finish. How do I get out of this mess? Renew.

DREX is awesome, and I wish we had met in another time in my life. I don't think I'm ready or able to give enough of myself and be the guy he deserves. I haven't cheated, but I'm not all the way there with him. It's painful for me to think about it, but damn I'm not a "good person" right now. Blog, I have done some awful things in the past, things that tested my own sense of morality. I have these goals of being one of the "good ones," The ones that have a nice personality, confident and sexy without being arrogant, not over their heads in drama, with a strong core of friends and either in a stable relationship or happy and single. I think that these are attainable, but I have to build the willpower to do so. Mind over matter.

I don't know what to tell DREX, but I at least want to communicate with him about what our status is and what we expect from each other. Do I feel a passion for DREX? no. But at this point, I'm afraid that I am so numb to the world and to myself, that I can't feel a passion for anything or anyone. In the past, I have felt strongly for people, but that seems to always coincide with somebody that DIDN'T want me. Here I have somebody that calls me "baby" and I'm ready to do a Kanye shrug. Something is seriously wrong with that.

I'm going to be blogging more, because I need a greater level of self-assessment to stay on track and help me break against the dark, empty places in myself. I can't keep doing the same BS thinking that things will change. I have to change. I have to renew.

 

My Drama-Filled Thanksgiving

Hi blog. I know it's been a while. I haven't done much self-reflecting lately, but recent events require it.

I left Philly to spend Thanksgiving with my mentor, JG. He lives near Lincoln Park in DC. I was excited to get out of Philadelphia for a while to experience my favorite city. I had worked in DC in the summer of 2009 and fell in love with the city – the neighborhoods, the architecture, the professional culture, and the monuments – bliss lol. Once I arrived, JG abruptly informed me that his "husband" would be joining us. Husband? Wait? HOLD UP? JG and I haven't been as close as we were in the past, so I had no idea about this "husband".

I rode the Mega Bus down to DC Tuesday night. JG picked me up, and we headed out to pick up his "husband" Kenny. Now JG is educated, Ivy League and HBCU graduate. He has worked in government for the past 8 years, and now makes a handsome salary working as a point person on important national level projects. Career wise he has done very well for himself. Now Kenny … JG met Kenny in Atlanta in 2008, they had had some hard times then, and I assumed that JG had let him go. I was shocked to find out that not only had JG continued to date Kenny, but Kenny also moved up to DC. They weren't living together, yet they had built a relationship together. Kenny is from Florida, and works at Best Buy (no shade against people that those words describe, that is literally EVERYTHING I know about Kenny). My first impression of him was that he had been through something. You know when you meet some people and they just appear shell-shocked? Well Kenny appeared far gone. Frankly, I was surprised and disappointed that JG was dating HIM. In a later discussion, he told me "back2life, I'm tired. I have spent my adult life working HARD to get to where I am. And nobody ever notices. I want somebody for myself." Well, who am I to judge?

So Wednesday went well, JG started cooking for tomorrow's dinner that night. Thanksgiving morning, apparently they had had an argument, and I could sense a lot of tension between JG and Kenny. JG had texted me to talk to Kenny, who then proceeded to try and leave. I talked to Kenny, not to reason with him, but just small talk to ease the tension, and it did. They finished the rest of the cooking for the day, and we ate with a pretty good vibe between all. After we were all sufficiently full, JG, still somewhat mad at Kenny, was going to drop him off at home, and come back. When he returned, he had this look of despair and trouble in his face.

Kenny and JG got into altercation in the car, with Kenny attempting to open the passenger door and go out into traffic. James wanted Kenny to get out, but not like that. He managed to keep him in the car until he rode up to his house. They continued to argue and Kenny then put his finger in JG's face and said he wasn't leaving the car. JG then opens the passenger door and grabs Kenny by the throat demanding that he leave the car, and Kenny obliged him. I heard this story through tears as JG struggled to tell me how their relationship had been his emotional hell over the past two years. For him, Kenny continually complained of his miserable new DC life and seemed unable to find any direction or "fresh start" here. JG was tired. He had yet to break into the socially stratified DC scene, particularly for black gay men. His loneliness and sense of low self-worth compelled him (in his words) to tolerate Kenny, neglecting work and other personal goals to attempt to attend to his needs. He didn't tell me the full story, but I understood that my initial misgivings about Kenny were not unfounded.

Later that night, I was downstairs at JG's house watching "The Beyonce Experience," and there was a ring at the door, then loud knocks. Kenny, in a rage, angrily demanded that JG "bring his faggot ass outside. Be a man ..." and loads more I dare not repeat. JG is on the phone talking to … somebody and I am now started to get scared. Then Kenny runs to the side of the house and is banging on the kitchen window. At this point, I'm freaked out, I put my shoes on, grab my coat. I'm texting SIXTYNINE at this time, and he's like "Get out of there," which I do consider, but I did not want to leave JG in such a pass (although, I admittedly would not be much help from a fighting stand point) Then Kenny strangely walks off down the street. At this point, I'm confused, nervous, and I agree with JG that he should call the police. Strangely enough, Kenny returns and starts banging on the door again, and the cops arrive in time to ward him off. The officer takes JG's information, and she gives him a big hug and says "you are worth more than this."

To keep it short: JG made a BAD choice. I understand that he has worked hard in his career to get to this point, but he finds himself lacking in the social life department (as I often find myself). Kenny, although unmatched to JG in aspiration and background, helped JG fulfill a void in his life – a boo. So many gay men are in search of the elusive boo. We want him to be the internet ideal, you know, like those likely straight models whose pictures we all swoon over online or those boys when know from work, school or just around that seem to have it all. Although JG is older than me, I don't think he has left this ideal behind yet. And I think he fell so far from what he wanted and deserved that he settled for someone that, education and background aside, was a socially and mentally deficient person. Kenny knew that JG was his superior in more ways than one, and JG did too. How you can date somebody for a year and not trust to bring them in your own house is beyond me, but JG DID.

I haven't fully analyzed what happened here, but I do know that JG provides a good example for me on what not to do. JG is an awesome guy in my opinion, and it was painful for me to see him go through this traumatic situation and break down and cry before the police and myself. I hope it doesn't come to that for me. I aspire to have fulfilling, honest relationships with people that are mentally stable and trustworthy. I just have yet to find many examples of well-adjusted older gay men … particularly BLACK gay men.

Date w/Drexel

To keep it short. I just went on a cool date with a freshman from Drexel. We just chilled and ate fries at Phily Diner, then walked around campus. He's in the Air Force ROTC, is a break dancer, and plays 4 instruments. Random, I know, I hope this leads to something. He's a cool kid, attractive, and smart, but I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing or think too much into it after one casual first date. It's so VERY rare that I meet people, let alone ones that seem to be interested in me. This was a great end to a long day. I feel good about it J

… Better in Time

These young men that have been thrown out in the media – that have ended their lives to escape the pain and frustration of their sexuality, you all are me, and I am you. It's true when they said that "loneliness is like a heartbeat that drives you mad." Much of my youth was plagued by feelings of despair of the person that I was. Gay, short, not attractive, unathletic, black, dark … I could have listed a million things that made me hate who I was and fear that I was barred from future happiness. So I wish that me or anyone could have reached out to you, consoled and mentored you. Someone to let you know that you are fine and that anybody else's idea of normal is a twisted, flimsy fantasy that is more transparent than the insults and the lies.

There are so much people in our society, in our cities, and even our families that are alone. They feel like they don't have anyone to share themselves with or anyone to see the value within them. Those feelings were magnified in the young men that took their lives, but they are in many of us dealing with issues in our lives. There is so much coming at us through media, religion, or the values of our society that tells us to walk a narrow line and define ourselves by what someone else deem appropriate. I think we have to learn that there is no such thing as appropriate; we have to define ourselves for ourselves. No one can provide the answer or heal us until we undergo the work to heal ourselves first.

If you are suffering and feel the pain of isolation in the mess of daily life, take a moment to breath. Tell yourself that you are human, you have a light, and you are deserving of love, from others and more importantly from yourself. Don't live behind your fears, anxiety and self-hatred. Let it go and begin to live. I'm still learning these lessons myself, it doesn't get easier, but it does get better in time.

The Good Life

In 20 years' time, I want to be living in a large east coast city, downtown, in a refurbished loft with my partner and my three kids. I want to be an authority in my field, somebody who's inputs, ideas, and name will be something people want to be attached to. I don't know exactly where these upper-middle class liberal aspirations come from, but I know that I do want these things for myself. Part of it comes from where I grew up (LA) and who I went to high school with (sons and daughters of wealthy West LA folk). I read articles online that talk a lot about the increasing levels of income inequality in this country; they haven't been higher since the days of the Carnegies and Rockefellers. A part of me knows that I should be fighting for equity, to ensure that people that look like me aren't regulated into even more poverty and disempowerment in the future. But the other part, wants to be a part of that upper echelon that dines at expensive restaurants, summers in Spain, jets to India and China for business, and can afford all the luxuries that come with wealth.

Wealth to me is more than just luxury, it is freedom. Both my parents' families migrated to California from the South. My dad's family was poor migrant farmers, so poor that my grandmother developed a lifelong heart condition from the extreme malnourishment she experienced as a child. My mother's family was from poor neighborhoods in Georgia, as young adults they came to Atlanta for education, and then made the further jump to life in San Diego for jobs and less racial oppression. It's been a road of progress. My father was the first in his family to attend college, and my mom continued to receive a degree from the same school that my grandfather was unable to finish at. I realize now as I grow and mature, the hard road they had to climb in the 50s through the 80s to get where they are today. My parents afforded me a relatively easy childhood (sans that whole gay thing lol), and I don't know how I would have ended up were we in a different situation.

I admit that I am an elitist. I know that this posts reeks of up, and I apologize for my partial views of the importance of wealth. One of the driving influences in my life has been a desire to do better than my parents have done. All my life, people told me I was different, for good and bad reasons. I started to believe them, and I started to expect that things would happen to be because I was somehow better than the kids around me. This misplaced belief in my own superiority, which I hold deep within me, shielded me a lot from the ridicule and estrangement I experienced in school.

Humility has greatly diminished by own feeling of self-superiority, but it has not diminished my desire for wealth. But now, I am expanding that definition to include friends, career, and spirituality – things that make for a well-rounded human experience. I want to believe that these things are attainable, that I can build a name for myself in planning, make money, while maintaining a peaceful and loving home environment with a man that I love and children that inspire me. Perhaps my bourgeois dreams are closer to that of a young straight white woman that of a young gay black male, but they are still mine.

I Will Walk the Line

"Whether you're high or low, you've got to tip on the tightrope …"

 

I have been grappling for the last few days over what concentration I want to take and what direction I ultimately want to take in my career. I finally decided on the Community and Economic Development concentration, because it has many topics that are of interest to me, and I think it would be good preparation for either law or (more) grad school.

I have this horrible issue of being LATE to class, which I'm sure is very noticeable when you are one of two persons of color in a lecture of 70. I'm really going to work on that. One of my goals while I'm here is to be a "superstudent." I wasn't one at Morehouse. I went to class and went home. I felt no inclination to interact with the majority of my Morehouse "brothers" for reasons I don't want to go into here. I'm going to step up my efforts and make school first.

My last two years of college I wasted a lot of time. I did not work on my in-person social skills, I let my daily emotional stability base from whether or not someone attractive sent me a message. I will say that I have chatted with a lot of stereotypical gay men, but also a few that seemed different and interesting enough to meet and/or date. I picked up the bad habit of having a short attention span in people, and brushing them off easily. No way to live. No life to grow from.

I think what I have learned up to this point, is that I have to really work on being emotionally calm, not getting too worked up every things that don't matter. If he doesn't message or text, it's not the end of the world, and it's not an indictment on my personality, looks, or self-worth

Left on a Jet Plane …

Throwback from June 2009. Wow.

"L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean, I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry, in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm gonna take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way."

 

Mood: anxious

Listening: Hardball with Chris Matthews

A Brief Thought

One thing I have learned thus far: how you think vastly shapes how you experience life, and whatever endeavor you choose requires all of the effort you can muster.


Mood: Hazy
Listening: "We Live in Brooklyn, Baby" by Roy Ayers
Random Quote: You have a cute smile, why don't you show it?
My Response: Because you can see my mile deep crows feet when I do LOL

Hey There!

Hello all. It's been a long time coming, but I am going to revive my blog. Eventually, I want to find a better template, but for now I will keep this form. For this entry, I want to reflect on a letter I wrote to myself senior of high school, that a teacher mailed back to be recently. Here is what me @18 had to say to me @22

 

Dear old guy,

Hey man, it's the old Lamont coming out of high school. Right now, life is pretty uncertain. Going to Morehouse and I'm just hoping that it is the right choice. But is right for me right now? So you have closed yourself from numerous experiences of high school and often feel angered by your circumstance. I know that up to 18, I have been having a hard time in figuring out what type of person I am. Hopefully, you will have made a name for yourself by now. And I hope you are happy. I hope you have a fulfilling life, someone who you love & loves you, and still get satisfaction from helping people. Keep your head up and push forward. 10 years (you mean 4) years in the past, I believe in you.

 

Wow, teared up a little as I wrote that because I hadn't really accomplished any of that yet … But I'm definitely in a better and stronger place than I was

How many guys have you dated?

just the current one ... #latebloomer

Don't ask, but do tell ...

What would be the main reason that anyone would wish to be in a relationship with you?

wow, a little offensive lol. But hopefully someone would find that I enrich their life and help them to grow and develop as a person

Don't ask, but do tell ...

What's your definition of cheating someone

Giving of yourself, physically and/or emotionally to someone else in a way that violates the grounds of your relationship

Don't ask, but do tell ...