Saturday, October 9, 2010

Date w/Drexel

To keep it short. I just went on a cool date with a freshman from Drexel. We just chilled and ate fries at Phily Diner, then walked around campus. He's in the Air Force ROTC, is a break dancer, and plays 4 instruments. Random, I know, I hope this leads to something. He's a cool kid, attractive, and smart, but I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing or think too much into it after one casual first date. It's so VERY rare that I meet people, let alone ones that seem to be interested in me. This was a great end to a long day. I feel good about it J

Thursday, October 7, 2010

… Better in Time

These young men that have been thrown out in the media – that have ended their lives to escape the pain and frustration of their sexuality, you all are me, and I am you. It's true when they said that "loneliness is like a heartbeat that drives you mad." Much of my youth was plagued by feelings of despair of the person that I was. Gay, short, not attractive, unathletic, black, dark … I could have listed a million things that made me hate who I was and fear that I was barred from future happiness. So I wish that me or anyone could have reached out to you, consoled and mentored you. Someone to let you know that you are fine and that anybody else's idea of normal is a twisted, flimsy fantasy that is more transparent than the insults and the lies.

There are so much people in our society, in our cities, and even our families that are alone. They feel like they don't have anyone to share themselves with or anyone to see the value within them. Those feelings were magnified in the young men that took their lives, but they are in many of us dealing with issues in our lives. There is so much coming at us through media, religion, or the values of our society that tells us to walk a narrow line and define ourselves by what someone else deem appropriate. I think we have to learn that there is no such thing as appropriate; we have to define ourselves for ourselves. No one can provide the answer or heal us until we undergo the work to heal ourselves first.

If you are suffering and feel the pain of isolation in the mess of daily life, take a moment to breath. Tell yourself that you are human, you have a light, and you are deserving of love, from others and more importantly from yourself. Don't live behind your fears, anxiety and self-hatred. Let it go and begin to live. I'm still learning these lessons myself, it doesn't get easier, but it does get better in time.

The Good Life

In 20 years' time, I want to be living in a large east coast city, downtown, in a refurbished loft with my partner and my three kids. I want to be an authority in my field, somebody who's inputs, ideas, and name will be something people want to be attached to. I don't know exactly where these upper-middle class liberal aspirations come from, but I know that I do want these things for myself. Part of it comes from where I grew up (LA) and who I went to high school with (sons and daughters of wealthy West LA folk). I read articles online that talk a lot about the increasing levels of income inequality in this country; they haven't been higher since the days of the Carnegies and Rockefellers. A part of me knows that I should be fighting for equity, to ensure that people that look like me aren't regulated into even more poverty and disempowerment in the future. But the other part, wants to be a part of that upper echelon that dines at expensive restaurants, summers in Spain, jets to India and China for business, and can afford all the luxuries that come with wealth.

Wealth to me is more than just luxury, it is freedom. Both my parents' families migrated to California from the South. My dad's family was poor migrant farmers, so poor that my grandmother developed a lifelong heart condition from the extreme malnourishment she experienced as a child. My mother's family was from poor neighborhoods in Georgia, as young adults they came to Atlanta for education, and then made the further jump to life in San Diego for jobs and less racial oppression. It's been a road of progress. My father was the first in his family to attend college, and my mom continued to receive a degree from the same school that my grandfather was unable to finish at. I realize now as I grow and mature, the hard road they had to climb in the 50s through the 80s to get where they are today. My parents afforded me a relatively easy childhood (sans that whole gay thing lol), and I don't know how I would have ended up were we in a different situation.

I admit that I am an elitist. I know that this posts reeks of up, and I apologize for my partial views of the importance of wealth. One of the driving influences in my life has been a desire to do better than my parents have done. All my life, people told me I was different, for good and bad reasons. I started to believe them, and I started to expect that things would happen to be because I was somehow better than the kids around me. This misplaced belief in my own superiority, which I hold deep within me, shielded me a lot from the ridicule and estrangement I experienced in school.

Humility has greatly diminished by own feeling of self-superiority, but it has not diminished my desire for wealth. But now, I am expanding that definition to include friends, career, and spirituality – things that make for a well-rounded human experience. I want to believe that these things are attainable, that I can build a name for myself in planning, make money, while maintaining a peaceful and loving home environment with a man that I love and children that inspire me. Perhaps my bourgeois dreams are closer to that of a young straight white woman that of a young gay black male, but they are still mine.