Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I Will Walk the Line

"Whether you're high or low, you've got to tip on the tightrope …"


 

I have been grappling for the last few days over what concentration I want to take and what direction I ultimately want to take in my career. I finally decided on the Community and Economic Development concentration, because it has many topics that are of interest to me, and I think it would be good preparation for either law or (more) grad school.

I have this horrible issue of being LATE to class, which I'm sure is very noticeable when you are one of two persons of color in a lecture of 70. I'm really going to work on that. One of my goals while I'm here is to be a "superstudent." I wasn't one at Morehouse. I went to class and went home. I felt no inclination to interact with the majority of my Morehouse "brothers" for reasons I don't want to go into here. I'm going to step up my efforts and make school first.

My last two years of college I wasted a lot of time. I did not work on my in-person social skills, I let my daily emotional stability base from whether or not someone attractive sent me a message. I will say that I have chatted with a lot of stereotypical gay men, but also a few that seemed different and interesting enough to meet and/or date. I picked up the bad habit of having a short attention span in people, and brushing them off easily. No way to live. No life to grow from.

I think what I have learned up to this point, is that I have to really work on being emotionally calm, not getting too worked up every things that don't matter. If he doesn't message or text, it's not the end of the world, and it's not an indictment on my personality, looks, or self-worth

Monday, September 20, 2010

Left on a Jet Plane …

Throwback from June 2009. Wow.

"L.A., I missed you. I missed my Mom nagging me about the trash and cleaning my room. I miss my Dad yelling at the TV during sports. I missed Moondog, probably the worst dog, but he's cool with me. I missed going to my grandmother's house and being bored out of my mind. I missed going to the Fox Hills Mall, and driving to the beach to watch the planes take off. I missed the nice weather and even negotiating trips with friends.

I got a chance to just chill out and think while I was at home. I realize that it's real now. I have a year, and I will be done with college. DONE. To be honest, I never gave much thought to my life past the age of 18. But now, I'm technically grown. I don't know if the face I see in the mirror is me. It looks a little bit fuller, and seems to hold a little less innocence, but it is still me.

I drove down to Palm Springs with some friends and we hung out for a little while. Although it became quickly apparent to me, I guess they didn't realize that Coachella is full of retirees, Hispanics, and gays lol. Of course, I didn't mind that last part, but when you are in the closet, you become really limited. I got so dark in the desert sun that my mom called me a "crispy critter," her term for a black person that has a serious "tan" and nappy hair lol. Wow, thanks Mom. I had some weird times when my friends seemed to only want to cruise for high school girls at the resort, but thankfully they don't have much game, and I wasn't ousted from the room.

Through that trip and some discussions I had had with my Mom, I see that I am becoming my father. We are two people that are somewhat reserved from the rest of the world, easily angered and very irritable, and always loners. She threw that comment in my face. "You are so damn mean, I tried my hardest to make you different. But you turned out just like your Dad. And if you don't watch out you will end up bitter and alone, just like him." My Mom has never been one to mince words.

I never thought about it like that. I never felt much affinity for my dad to be honest, but I knew that we were alike of course. My Dad doesn't internalize things to the level that I do, instead he throws out his anger and bitterness on everybody else. He's not always angry, in fact, he is usually a lot of fun. We have a lot of distance between us because he tried his hardest not to be his father. My grandfather was a difficult man to be sure. He supported his family and loved them, but he was terribly overbearing and abusive physically and verbally. I think my dad wanted to escape that fate, and he was more hands off with me. But in effect, now I don't have the same connection with him as I do my Mom or my grandparents. I don't know how I will relate to him in the future, especially after he finds out that I am gay. I mean, I don't know how he will react or handle it, or how I'm supposed to respond.

Right now, I'm somewhere above the mountains in Tennessee on the way to Detroit. I have this thing at the University of Michigan. I'm the only black person in the program LOL. So, we will see how this goes. It's only a week long, and I'm excited to finally get out to the Midwest. Once this is done, I head to D.C. for my real job. I'm gonna take this summer to really hit the ground running. I don't know when I'll have the time to work on my personal stuff. I have to get ready to apply to grad school and graduate, which is no easy task at Morehouse. But I think I can do it. My Dad told me that you can never wait to do anything, get it done now, so you can be ready for whatever else will come your way."


 

Mood: anxious

Listening: Hardball with Chris Matthews

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Brief Thought

One thing I have learned thus far: how you think vastly shapes how you experience life, and whatever endeavor you choose requires all of the effort you can muster.


Mood: Hazy
Listening: "We Live in Brooklyn, Baby" by Roy Ayers
Random Quote: You have a cute smile, why don't you show it?
My Response: Because you can see my mile deep crows feet when I do LOL