It all came rushing down in my head today, and I just feel mean. I feel this sluggish enmity toward everybody and everything. All the things that I don't understand, the people I don't comprehend, the places where I allow myself to fall down, low down. I get so easily consumed by fear. I have a long list of things and people and places that I carry fear, anger, and even hatred for. These negative feelings all just fester within me, and I suffer because of them. I suffer when I expect too much from others, and the worse of myself. I continually see everyone and everything as an ongoing threat to my existence, all of whom I almost naturally have learned to evade or fight at all cost. And what does it take to climb out of these feelings? It takes things like patience, confidence, trust, and love. I believe that I am capable of these things, but I would have to believe that I am capable of change.
I got a call late at night from my mom. She abruptly asked me to delete her facebook account. I was a little angry that she felt it necessary to call me at 2 am about this, but I obliged. After I logged onto her account, I looked at her messages, and found three messages. In these three messages, a woman confessed herself to my mom. She explained her lengthy affair with my father. He had given her an allowance of $300 a week, taken her to the same restaurants he had taken my mother and me. At family parties and gatherings with his friends, she was his companion, he even bought this woman a room down the hall from the room my parents shared when they went away for their anniversary. He told her things about my mother, details about her illness, how she is severely disabled, and how she is blind in one eye and can't even drive at night. The woman wrote that she had "found God" and was fed up with how she felt my father was treating my mother. She thought that everything he had said were lies, and felt it necessary to tell my mom about what was going on.
I have often felt that my mom was cheated out of a lot in her life. To me, she is an incredible person, because she has endured a great deal of pain and sadness, and she still lives on. Since before I was born, she has had a disease called ankylosing spondilitis. The disease slowly fusing the bones of the spine, and causes painful inflammation in the eye and joints throughout the body. I'm really not supposed to be here, as in my mom was probably too sick to carry a child, and had a narrow window to have one. But I am, and so is she. Most of my childhood, she was bedridden, and countless surgeries and the creation of new medicines have given her increased mobility, but she still has limited vision and trouble moving. Taken all of this into account, my father and she do not have even the normal sex life of a middle aged couple. I know now that she was smart enough to know that my father probably had women in his life other than her to fulfill these needs. In fact, she probably preferred he do so. People in my father's family often said that she, in her illness, held him back, but she did a lot for him. She worked in his first office, and has been a constant source of strength, practically, and support. In fact, for all the work that he does, I daresay in her own way, she has done just as much, if not more.
I can't say that I was surprised to hear about my dad's infidelity. I had suspected it as well. But I was just disappointed to see that he was so careless about it. My mother is very proud person, perhaps too much at times. So instead of any defect in my dad, what she felt the most was embarrassment. My dad had paraded this woman around family and friends, people that my mom converse with everyday. She was especially hurt to know that he brought this woman to the same hotel in which they stayed on their anniversary. I honestly don't know what to make of all of this. I know she feels embarrassed, and he feels ashamed. My dad has a lot of issues that he needs to work out for himself. All the men in the family have a history of having women on the side, and they have able-bodied wives. He has issues with drinking, and also seems to be very alone. In fact, he might be the loneliest person I know. I wish I had a closer relationship with him. I wish that my mom wasn't so proud in that we could have a closer relationship. I know that they are adults, I can't carry their burdens. They are the parent and I am the child. But sense I am an only child, sometimes, I feel so connected to their fate and their happiness. Idk …
There have been other things affect where I am at this point, but now I see that childhood is done. 21 years old. Young, yes, but not a kid. No more time for living in my world of dreams, where somebody to blame is always there, the man I love will just arise from thin air, and I can put off with dealing with my problems for the future. I have a lot to work on, and I don't know how all of it will play out. But I know that I have to get started, that I can't give up on me.
Mood: Reflective
Listening: Watching Benjamin Button
Random Quote: "You will have fun when you learn to stop expecting things from people," JG
Response: Oh, thanks.
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