Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Quickie day

So Monday my biggest thing is that I have decided I'm going to actively pursue a bf. Honestly, I want somebody in my corner, and somebody that I can go out with and have fun with and vice versa. I want somebody to value my opinion and whose opinion I value. My biggest thing is I want a guy with big arms to cuddle with, man do I need some of that right now!!

I know I really dropped the ball with the UST club, and that's my own fault. I didn't call people and I seemed to lose my enthusiasm for it, I really never had it to begin with. The problem is that I assume this leadership position and I don't really feel like anybody else in the group is really trying to do anything, at all. I hate that feeling, and I hate that lately I have been real listless and unenergetic about everything. I need that fire, that energy. I need to bring Monty back.

So, OLDGIRL's attention starved dog peed in the carpet yet AGAIN, so I gotta to clean that up before I leave. I'm starting to really hate that dog.

But good things today are that I plan to write a plan of goals for myself and follow the tenets of the Secret haha. If ever I allow myself to actually write them out haha.

I just need to calm down, and take everything one step at a time, but when you have a billion things going on, that can be difficult to do.

Mood: Worried about my left foot
Listening: Nothing
Random Quote: none
My Response: nada, I just want to have fun.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Why I Hate the Gym

So today, OLDGIRL is just trying me because I can't come to appreciate her personality and everything she does. She talks a lot, she plays the TV too loud, she doesn't put stuff up, she tries to have the upper hand with me everyday. It's CRAZY. I mean, I knew we weren't compatible to live together, and I told her and my parents this, but they were like"Oh, no. You need to get close to your cousin and learn to live with other people." Ok, and it's been just over a year, and I still really can't stand her. Well, I get tired of other people in general, but I just can't stand her a lot. Just because she started going to the gym recently she thinks she knows everything about fitness, and is trying to get me to go the gym with her so she can best me, and show me everything she knows ... God I hate that. I usually avoid going to the gym with her, because I hate people telling me what do. When I have a set plan for what I want (for myself), and people come in and try to change it up, that shit pisses me to the core.

So I did end up at the gym, and it was filled with a lot, I mean, a LOT of fine ass black men. I just want to get in and out, but damn if it's hard because of all the distractions, with activate my own insecurity. I recognized a long time ago that I don't have a healthy view of my own masculinity, in the sense that I generally feel insecure around men I perceive to as better men than myself, at least physically. So, I got all nervous and I didn't even finish my workout, because I was definitely nervous about what I was supposed to be doing and that prevented me from getting a good workout. I get nervous about doing the exercises right, wondering who is watching me and laughing because I use weak ass weights or because of my height or inexperience. I know that I deserve to be there, and everybody has to start somewhere, but damn if I always get that feeling. I wish I had some kind of workout partner to take the edge off and makes things easier for me, but I don't.

I hate that more often than not, I am alone. I know that it is 80% my own fault, and I'm working on getting better in relating to other people. I have a lot of work to do in that respect. But still, I can't shake the feeling that there's nobody out there that truly wants my friendship, my time, my respect, and somebody that I can get those things from as well. I'm going to work on my list of things that I want in my life, and I'm going to create a Vision Board, because at this point, I have very little of what I thought I should at this point, and that is unacceptable. I really don't want to end up alone, but I have such a hard time relating to other people, because I don't understand them, and I don't understand myself. I have to get some fight about myself.

Mood: Just Aiight
Listening: Nothing, just a loud football game in the background, courtesy of OLDGIRL
Random Quote: "My eardrum, I think I really blew it out."
My Response: None, but I want to roll my eyes.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

5k for a Good Day

Either today was just a good day, or something, because the 5k I ran was relatively easy. I mean, I was in 40th place out of problem 70, but I wasn't LAST haha. Ok, so I still suck in terms of running but I enjoyed it. I invited TWISTEDTN to come with me, since he claims to be so interested in the Beltline. And this kid talks a lot of smack, especially about running, and the kid didn't even keep up with me, and I was in 40th place! Of course he writes it off as inexperience and a bunch of bull. I'm like, dude, suck up your pride and take the loss like a man. I admit that I felt a vain pride in racing ahead of him from the first 1\2 mile, but again perhaps I should have ran with him the whole way. Whatever to that, because he would have left me and rubbed that shit in my face anyway were it the other way around. The run was pretty good, I started to get stiff toward the end, and the last straightaway lasted what seemed like forever, but I ended ok. I realized that I am stronger than I thought in terms of my running skill.

Later in the day, I took a shower and hung out in the dorm for a while. I was feeling good that day. I had the chance to speak everybody I needed to at the Beltline ceremony. Of course, BIGGIERICH was there, trying to bag on me for being a Democrat. But I got him back, as I always do. I realize that I am becoming very sardonic and caustic in my joking. Sometimes it's the only way I can relate to people, and although I don't really mean anything personal by it, I know it reflects my own sense of insecurity and isolation. I have to work on that, because what I take as a joke others may see as genuine meanness. haha. I can be mean, real mean, but generally for the people I like I don't aim to be.

I didn't get any real work done again, but I don't care. I'll use Sunday for that. But in terms of my social life, I gets nothing, nada, zip. I consider myself to be moderately attractive, I'm not ugly, but I can hold my own. I don't know what to do, if there's a code or some signal or recognition factor so I can get play. Generally, I'm not that aggressive, but some interest would be nice, you know, something for me to work with. I'm trying but obviously not hard enough.

Something else I realized is that I need to know some white folks. In fact, I can say that at least 90% of the people I converse with these days are black. That's a consequence of being a minority, going to an historically black college, and living in an essentially segregated city, on the black side of town (which is very often the southern part ...) But I want to know some people who will push me outside my boundaries a little and expose me to some different things. Is it possible to be full on black people, because right now I am.

Mood: Restless and Full
Listening: I Want You by Erykah Badu
Random Quote: "Can I get that Jew Bread?" from TWISTEDTN
My Response: You find new lows everyday ...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Up at 7:15 and Breakfast, that's a first ...

It's the earliest I've been up in awhile, because I actually got more than 5 hours of sleep, I got SIX .... haha. Yesterday, I received some bad news about the club. We didn't get the money for homecoming. I can't say I'm really surprised, because I kind of slacked off and tried to have somebody else handle it. Time and time again I realize that if you want anything done, do it yourself. The worse part is that I should have been working more closely with him, since the accused claimed to be such an expert on working with student government. He had given me all wrong information, and seems more focused on other stuff.

So updates on the social front are that nothing is happening. PRIVATEPLAN is being noncommittal and inaccessible as usual. I think the fact that I hang off his every word is really bad, and underscores my poor current relationships, but I don't know anybody. SIXTYNINE is ok, but he's not all the way there, and he thinks the answers to all my problems is sex. But, I think I need to take a break from seeking out PRIVATEPLAN. Can I be called for once? It's so weird that he makes all these hints like "When we meet .." and "We'll discuss that more later ..." and I'm like, ok, and when is that going to be?

I'm worried, really worried about where I'm going with my academic career. I've made some diasterous decisions academically, and I hope I can pull off an ok average for the semester. I still find it difficult to talk to people, and I hate not really knowing anybody, or having a larger circle of friends. SIXTYNINE's cronies are ok, and I guess they are mine as well, but it just doesn't seem like it most of the time. I just want to meet somebody that is out, affirming, smart and needs a friend. I want a road dog to hang with. I've never really had that. Maybe I need to be that for other people before I can expect it for myself.

Mood: A little tired, but cool
Listening: Magic by Robin Thicke
Random Quote: "He bought me lunch, so I gave him some attention" - OLDGIRL
My Response: That's all it takes, huh?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Up Late, Movies, P. Gordon

This is from the summer. It's so funny to read stuff from the "Past" haha

Ok, so today I was up late AGAIN. I am in a terrible habit of staying up until 2 and then waking up any where from 10AM to 2 PM!! I have to shake myself out of it, which means either waking up one day real early after a late night, or trying to go to sleep on time. I don't want to do it, but because I have felt no consequence and because I feel so separated from anything and everything here, I do it anyway. It seems to reflect this overall meme of indifference, boredom, and exhaustion that is taking over my life. Maybe Inboretion? It's serious for me now and it has to stop now. Being at MIT is a dream situation and I am not capitalized on the fact that I am here. I am not talking with enough professors or asserting this place as mine for the next few weeks. I have to do it. I have to get up because I still believe that not being able to get up in the morning is a sign of lack of will to live. I think I want to live, but I have to fight. Fight to be myself, fight to ameliorate my bad habits, fight to change, and fight to be here.

I watched Fargo yesterday with Johnny and Pat, then went to that restaurant Island Hoppers on Mass Ave., with Aziza, Esteban, PNERGY, Vanessa, Pat, Nikishia, and Danny joined us later. I know Kris LOVES Asian, and that place was pretty good, it had a lot of stuff I had never tried before, so I was happy. Well sort of. I drifted off into this antisocial haze that I do most of the time. That place where I'm physically present, but psychosocial I'm not there, just a visitor in my head, looking through my eyes, have understanding the world around him. This tends to happen a lot. In conversation, usually I say something that sounds vapid, or random or whatever and does not always fit into the context of the situation. I don't know many jokes, and I have few experiences to go on, but not many.

After talking with PNERGY early this morning, I learn a lot about him and himself. He is a likeable energetic person that everybody wants to be around, and that wants everybody to like him. Ok, that's great. Most of the time, that is the personality that I wish that I had. Unfortunately, it is not ha. But anyways, he went on about how he thinks Vanessa is immature, and how she has been negative toward him after he told some other people about how he feels about her. It was interesting to see how this had affected him so much, and how important it was for him to be on good terms with her. Of course, I don't notice the particulars of the social dynamics of MSRP, but clearly he had, and it had weighed on him. I told him that he should 1. be careful about who he reveals negative feelings about, that just spreads ill will and bleak feelings 2. He was impressed by all of the other girls in the program, so perhaps he has given Vanessa the chance to impress him. The teacher Randy Pausch said that. You have to give everyone a chance to impress, because when you least expect it, they always will.

I was taken aback by his comments, and also wondered about myself through them. I realized how self-centered I am in how I view Life. PNERGY places a high value on interpersonal relationships because that is one of his skills. I have never to my memory placed a lot of value on them, because usually others disappoint me, we don't get along that well, or I just simply reject them before they the chance to feel the same about me. I expect that most people will not like me, and I won't have ways to connect with them. I expect to be outcasted and alone a majority of the time, and perhaps that is the problem. If working on being social and connecting with people is one of my faults, then it should be a greater priority. I haven't given OLDGIRL, or SIXTYNINE, or a lot of people enough of a chance for me to like them, or them enough of a chance to like me. I should redraw where my priorities are.

1. Confidence/Comfort level
2. Interpersonal Skills/Relationships
3. Academic/Professional Pursuits
4. Health/Fitness Levels
5. Organization/Planning Modes

Mood: Slightly Depressed
Listening: "House of Cards" by Radiohead
Random Quote: "What are you talking about, ass?" - PNERGY
My Response: If only you knew ...

15th of October

Whoa, so long hiatus, I am back. I've got 2 midterms left, and a shitload of other work to do in terms of school, the club, and personal issues. I started to work out again (mildly), but I tend to eat way too much. The cafeteria is too much of a temptation, and I have to stop eating hamburgers before my stomach turns into early 20th Century Chicago. My parents are coming next week, and I hope I don't get question about if you have a girlfriend and all that jazz. If pressed, then I am just going to be honest about it.

So the past week, I've had three older guys playing mind games on me, or at least I think. Then of course there is SIXTYNINE, who always seems to connect everything in my life to sex or more specifically a lack thereof. I don't know if sex was the problem before, but damn is it ever now, because my libido, as low as it usually is, has been surging as of late (at least for me). And I'm also getting into dark skin, GOOD, CLEAR dark skin haha. Something about it is alluring and confident, and it just really gets me now haha. But back to the central issues, the older guys. There are three: PRIVATEPLAN, ARMYLIGHT and BIGGIERICH.

PRIVATEPLAN is totally messing with my head, knowingly or not. I found him through craigslist, and we talked online for awhile. Then he asked me to call him. I did, and from there it's been this kind of blind mentorship thing. He's older, like almost 30, average height and build, bi (sigh ...) and "easy on the eyes." He is in the same field as me, and said that "he wanted to adopt me." and always reminds me that he wishes he had someone to advise him. He sized me up in a literal sense of the word, and then gave me advice on dating and catching a man. So, we have been talking about about a month now, and I don't know what this is supposed to be leading to
We had phone sex a few days ago, which was amazing for me, it being a first. But then, he seemed so bored and uninterested. Something about his voice is hot to me, it's deep and calm. Anyway, I did something more aggressive that I would never do: I suggested that he be my sexual teacher and I give him some head. He seemed geniunely surprised by this, and perhaps my own loneliness and sense of vanity in my youth made me believe this to be the original intention, but whatever the case, he at first agreed, then later cancelled. For the next few days about that, I had him on the brain. How can I be turned out by someone I have never met, nor do I know what he looks like??

ARMYLIGHT and I have been talking online on and off since last year. There's not really anything sexual there, I think (he likes whites and asians, only). He is cool, and we both have the same level of snarkiness and bad jokes and pontifications on how smart we think we are, but not much has materialized there. I just recently started talking to him again, and I suggested we hit the gym together, but the question was totally ignored ...

BIGGIERICH is my associate through my job/extracurricular at school. He is really cool, smart, and shocking. Not only is he a West Point acceptee and alum of my school, he's a smart property owner with loads of cash to boot. Ok, he's a little tall and hefty for my taste (and religious and conservative , ...)but I like him, and he always has something interesting to say. He also seems to tease me at times, and I really don't know if I am supposed to act on it, or what. I'm not attracted to him, but he's so cool, and I just love being around him. Yeah that was really corny, but it is true.

SIXTYNINE is getting on my nerves because I am fairly certain that he wouldn't mind "plowing" me. That is his corny expression for it and I most politely ignore any type of subtle flirting he tries to throw at me. It's crazy. He's another horny bisexual, with a girlfriend, no. I appreciate his friendship, but I don't appreciate his wishy washy attitude about sex. Yes it's just an action, and yes it is good, and yes it drives us as human beings. But I don't do that with friends, I can't, the boundary needs to be clear, at least for me. If that makes me a prud, then whatever. I hate that he is getting into my head about me needing sex, because frankly I had not been thinking about it all that much before. I don't care if this makes me appear less of a man, but it just wasn't a focus for me. I think he prompted me to ask PRIVATEPLAN for sex, because he reasoned that that must be what he wants for me. The problem is that sex with PRIVATEPLAN was not necessarily what I wanted, but I asked for it anyway because I am a convictionless wuss.

So, now, the issues is that my sex drive is in overdrive. I'm not desperate or confident even to go in Craigslist for some "right now" type stuff, but I wouldn't mind someone clean, diseasefree and sexy with me right now. What I would really like, like REALLY like, is somebody with big shoulders that I could lay next to in my phone and just talk about stuff with. That would be great. Some dick would also be great. But now I need to focus on getting through midterms and getting the administrative and scholastic part of my life back on track.


Mood: Suppresively Procrastinating, but ok
Listening: "If you were here tonight" by Alexander O'Neal
Random Quote: "You are going to download and send me ringtones, because I don't do anything for myself ..."
My Response: N**** PLEASE!