Ok, so I happen to have a crush on somebody. It's so high school-esque but I do. We'll call 'em PUPPYEYES because they happen to be one of his best features, and they get me every time. He's usually in study hall, and I have spoken to him a few times, but it's never been really personal, and always across the table. I think he's a little out of my league, but I will attempt to at least let him know how I feel. I used Honesty Box on facebook...

Ok, that was a punk (the definition of the word I have come to know, before the Life) thing to do, I know, but I feel somewhat overwhelmed. He is nice, without all the attitude and uppity-ness that some gays have here. But he runs with that fashion set. You know the type, never leave the room without moisturizer or lips shining (GOd, I hate that. Of course it's better than chapped, but damn!!), designer everything, and have to make a statement everywhere they go. Of course, that shouldn't stop me, I should know what I want and go after it, right?

PTALL told me that I shouldn't be moving backwards at this point, considering it has taken twenty years to get here. And he's right, but man, I just can't handle the rejection, or the acceptance. I'm not in my most attractive state right now. Acne scars have marred my otherwise good complexion, and I'm developing a beer belly. I keep telling myself that I will take the time to fix it, and everything else in my mess of a life, but it just never seems to happen. I want PUPPYEYES to see me as someone attractive and deserving of affection.

Perhaps, what I need is to convince MYSELF of that first ...


Mood: waiting for nothing to come
Listening: "Leyendecker" by Battles
Random Quote: "Poor ghettos and slums are too entirely different things: slums don't discriminate by race ..." - Dr. Aka, Professor of Urban Studies
My Response: How about we get rid of the word ghetto, PLEASE! Then, please explain to me a rich ghetto, because I'm lost ...

So, what do I do now?

Ok, so I've accepted it. I have thought and thought, go over it in my head, tried to imagine my life otherwise, beyond it but I can't. The problem is, everything else becomes so complicated.

gay.

Don't know how I feel about that word, but I recognize it as one of the labels, the masks, the affinity groups, the deviants, that I now find myself with. I was having a hard enough time as it is, now it's just like, mannnnn. What next?
Well, next is a good question. Being at an all-male black college, I guess most would assume that I can now live it up, really have fun. Please, let's not kid ourselves, ok? Morehouse is steeped in Christian, masculine, 19th century idealist traditions that have no room for gays. There have been incidents here where gay students were attacked (well ok, only one, but still ...) and there's this big subculture here of good little choir boys and preachers sons that switch their crosses and their asses up and down the hill, but they're not gay! Of course not.

I've told my two closest friends, and they both seemed pretty much unaffected. One is bisexual, so he says, "Great! Now I have someone to oogle guys with." And I can actually say that my nonsexual relationship with PTALL has really been strengthened, and I appreciate that. We even went to a group session and a club haha. More on those later. My other friend, BLACKFRAT, was totally ok with it. I suspected that he might be ..., because know he claims that he has all this gay stalkers at the school he goes to (UPENN), and to me, if that many gay guys are "after" somebody who claims to be straight, then you must be doing something to edge them on ...

But the real point is that I have told people, and I'm trying to make it normal for me. To carve out some sense of identity for myself and get better at this. I've met teenagers who have had more emotional experience than I have, and that is sad (hence the screenname) . So my aim is to get that experience to shake off my childhood, childish fears, and move on. Move ON!! But, now, to what??

Mood: Nebulous
Listening: "Boston" by Augustana
Random Quote: "N****, I don't know, but I need to do something outrageous or outstanding ..." - random AUC student outside the library
My Thought: ok, must be a rap album I should have listened to? Otherwise, interesting play on words, depends on how you see each. A black man 18-25 in college or with a job and doing ok is BOTH ...

Hey out there.

As my title suggests, I am alonely negro. Not also, but "alonely" state always seems to catch me off guard. I prefer this term to alone or lonely because neither necessarily has to be the same. You can be alone, but definitely not lonely. You feel lonely by yourself, or in a room full of your favorite friends. Alonely is almost a feeling a total separation from everything around you, like the world just decided to freeze your consciousness out of it. But that's not the purpose of this blog.

This will be my 2nd, no 3rd attempt at starting a blog. I'll write about all the things that are affecting me at any one time. Whether it's the being gay, school ( Morehouse), Atlanta (most unsustainable city on Earth, well, second to Las Vegas anyway), being black, or anything that is most affecting me at the time. I'm putting it all here.

It's been twenty years for me, and I am ready to start feeling normal. I'm ready to have a relationship not based solely on sex, a group of friends that don't need a ride everyday, and a greater sense of what kind of person I want to be.

Mood: Angst
Currently Listening: "Hurt" by Johnny Cash
Random Quote: "Black people don't live in trailer parks, it's a cultural thing." - Ariel W. like, huh?